Cross To Bear

Perspectives: Dean's Morning

There's almost never a good time to bring up how you feel about someone and Dean was experiencing that frustration. He wanted to bring it up, he wanted to grab Cas by the arm and just kiss him. Just hold him and feel that incredible spark between them like he had the first time. But there wasn't a special 'moment' to say anything. He never got the opportunity of a romantic situation and he could never tell if Cas felt the same urges he did. If his brother was ever horny Dean didn't know about it.

So he just did it. They were alone in their room, it was late and Cas was about to go downstairs as he always did when bedtime rolled around. "Cas wait," Dean blurted out as the other teen's hand touched the door handle. His courage nearly died with just those two words out of his mouth but he managed to keep himself steady. "I have to tell you something, it's really important."

Cas looked up, his expression innocent and unknowing, "What's up?"

"I… I really like you, Cas." He felt his face heating up, words started to get caught in his throat.

"I like you too," Castiel smiled at him, that same innocence showing and Dean knew Cas didn't quite 'get it.'

"No, I mean…" he couldn't think of how to say it so he didn't. He grabbed Castiel and pulled him into a kiss, smashing their lips together and letting himself taste it one more time. He felt the shocked gasp Cas let out but also the way the other boy melted against him. When they pulled apart again Dean's nerves nearly had him shaking. Cas' eyes were so wide and it only reminded Dean how beautiful Castiel was. "I want you, Cas." He didn't know where that courage came from but he wouldn't push it aside.

"I don't know, Dean." Cas had angled away from him, gaze toward the ground and a deepening blush in his cheeks. Dean felt the urge to just kiss him again, but he stopped himself. "We're brothers, it'd be weird… right?"

The added question at the end of Cas' sentence made Dean's heart leap, it meant he wasn't sure. He hadn't made up his mind yet, he wasn't set on a response. Maybe he wanted it too?

Dean shook his head, "I don't think so. Remember we're not blood related?"

Cas' face lit up like he'd forgotten. "So… you really do want me?"

"I do," Dean stepped forward and cupped Cas' cheek in his hand, "You're so beautiful and my best friend, Cas. I don't want anyone else, I just want you."

"Oh Dean," Cas fell into his arms and rested his head against Dean's chest – somehow Dean was taller or Cas had shrunk, he wasn't sure. "I want – beep beep beep-"

Dean's eyes shot open as an alarm sounded, it was Sam's and it was loud as fuck. The walls in their house weren't anywhere close to sound proof.

He groaned softly and rolled over, trying to forget the dream and definitely ignore the slowly diminishing ache in his groin.

Dean ground his teeth as he listened to Sam's alarm continue, it went on for at least a minute and when you're trying to sleep that's a long-ass time. Sam eventually shut it off which gave Dean a little more quiet time before he had to consider moving. He never understood why Sam got up so much earlier, it wasn't like their mom or Cas made breakfast any sooner. Dean always went for 'more sleep' when the option came up.

But this time he couldn't quite get it again, he was pretty sure he had a good ten to fifteen minutes on his alarm but he couldn't fall back into sleep mode. His gut was tied in knots, he didn't know why but he had a feeling it had something to do with Cas. It wasn't that he was worried about how Cas would take his advances, it was more to do with what was going on lately. Cas hadn't been to school, he stayed home and when they hung out he was pretty quiet.

At first it didn't bug Dean but the worrying grew as the days passed, Cas never skipped school more than he absolutely needed to despite hating the place with a passion. Now he'd skipped a week? Of course, after all the shit that happened in one day Dean wasn't too surprised but Cas kept saying he was fine, that nothing was bothering him. So if he was fine, why wasn't he going to school? Their parents felt guilty for not saying anything sooner so they just let it slip past them but Dean didn't like it. Maybe it was because he missed Cas at school, on the bus, in his classes, on breaks, and so on. Maybe he just missed Cas and that was why he felt anxious about it, Dean couldn't really be sure. He didn't want to dismiss that something might be going on, though. Cas was his brother, yes, but he was so much more than that. If something was wrong Dean wanted to know about it.

But sitting in bed thinking about it was going to make him go insane so he got up. As soon as he moved around enough to get dressed he realized that it was probably good he'd gotten out of bed, he really had to pee.

Of course, Sam had to still be in the bathroom. Dean waited for a little bit, he was, after all, up earlier than normal. Sam couldn't take that long in the bathroom, right?

Wrong. Dean realized the shower was running, not just the sink, and he wanted to smack his face through the door. Instead he used his fist, "Sammy! Hurry up, quit hoggin' the bathroom."

He only had to wait a bit longer for Sam to emerge, he ruffled the boy's wet hair and went on in, "Thanks," he muttered quickly before accidentally slamming it shut, a little too enthusiastic about taking a leak.

He sighed dramatically as his bladder emptied, finally some relief. If Sam had taken any longer he wasn't sure if he'd make it. Dean shook off and paused when it felt better than usual. It was gonna be one of those mornings, apparently.


Once he got downstairs he noticed both Sam and Mary looked exceedingly happy. "What's up?" He raised an eyebrow, the same side he'd learned to copy Jet from years ago. It was just habit now.

"Cas is coming to school today!" Sam exclaimed and Dean felt the sudden jolt of energy the other two were feeling.

"Really?" He looked over at Cas with expectant eyes, his brother smiling sheepishly, "You're coming with today? Feeling better?"

"I figure I've put it off long enough," Cas replied hesitantly, he still didn't want to go – but that was just normal Cas.

"Awesome! The back of the bus hasn't been the same without you, man."

Castiel just smiled, a stifled laugh in his chest made his head bob a little.

Dean couldn't believe how excited he was to have Cas back. He knew he missed his brother being around but it was more than that, as was usually the case with Castiel. Dean liked him, he had a crush that wouldn't let go and that was why he was so happy to hear the news. His crush would be at school again, he'd have more opportunities to impress and get Cas' attention. Maybe even a chance for that romantic encounter.

He still wasn't sure how he'd bring it up, how he'd tell Cas he liked him. Cas was special, it had to be done right or it might fail.

With breakfast wolfed down they went to the bus stop, waiting at the end of their drive way for that big ugly yellow thing to come rolling by. Cas was relaxed, or at least he seemed to be. "It's a bit late today," Dean noted aloud, his feet shifting back and forth.

"Yeah," Cas glanced down the road, neither of them saw a sign of it yet. "Maybe someone was late and he waited?"

"Dunno."

The bus arrived at least ten minutes later than usual, Dean and Cas went right to their routine seats and dropped down. Cas sighed and rested his head against the back as he rolled his gaze to look out the window.

Dean watched the forlorn expression Cas held for the 'freedom of the outdoors.' Sometimes he wondered why Cas didn't just quit school altogether and go do something else. He was bound to be a hippie someday.

"You sure you're okay coming to school? I don't want to pressure you or anything."

"I'm already on the bus," Cas laughed at him and looked back Dean's way. There was nothing in his expression that resembled the Cas of Dean's his dream, he wasn't innocently staring or oblivious of anything. Castiel was aware of nearly everything Dean was and even more on top of that. Dean had to keep reminding himself of that, that Cas was more level headed than anyone he knew and Cas wouldn't be some bashful damsel and fall for him like a stone.

But more importantly, Castiel had a lot on his plate – normal teenage concerns weren't part of Cas' agenda. Which brought Dean right back to the question; does Cas even feel puberty the same way he that did?

"Fair point, I guess." Dean laughed awkwardly and cleared his throat as he realized his voice cracked. That sort of thing didn't happen to Cas either, it seemed. For him it was a slow descent, his tone dropped gradually while Dean's, Jet's and every other guy's voices crackled and randomly squeaked without their permission. Cas was a point of envy for that.

The bus pulled up at school, Dean hopped off with Cas and Sam, their little brother sticking to them more than usual that day. Probably had something to do with Cas coming back. Jet approached and greeted them but Dean's mind drifted elsewhere. He noticed Kubrick and a few others looking their way, that sleazy bastard always gave Dean the creeps. He'd like to say that he was indifferent to different religions and people of faith but all in all he thought it was a load of shit. Kubrick was the defining turd in the pile, too. He was psychotic about it, pushed it on others whenever he got the chance – actually pushing them sometimes. Kubrick was physical and could be extremely violent. Dean sometimes pictured Kubrick's ancestors being in the crusades, it made sense when he really thought about it.

"Oh for god's sake…"

He looked back at the others but Jet's expression had changed, he wasn't smiling and excited anymore. Jet was concerned and looking his way; the look in Jet's eye told Dean he'd noticed something wrong.

"What now?"

It was about Cas. Dean's stomach tightened like it'd felt that morning, "What're you talking about?" He demanded anxiously, he could feel his heartbeat rise and he looked at Castiel. "What does he mean?" Cas didn't look guilty, he didn't look like he knew what Jet was talking about but just because Cas didn't react didn't mean Jet was wrong. Jet was rarely wrong with his intuitions; he was a good judge of character, and really observant. If he noticed something Dean usually believed him.

"Nothing, I'm sure it's nothing."

Dean felt better just hearing how easy it was for Cas to say that. Castiel was a bad liar and he hated to lie, Dean hesitantly trusted him. A combination of Cas being a bad liar and Jet's ability to read a situation made Dean nervous. Jet noticed something weird but Cas didn't know what it was? Or was Cas really good at hiding it this time? The whole thing was giving him a headache; it was probably best left for later.

"Alright, let's just get to class." He led the way, waving goodbye to Sam as they entered the high school doors.


The first class went about as Dean expected. Everyone was really happy that Cas was back, Charlie told him all about her most recent projects, Garth chatted him up, and their teacher, Miss Barnes, was excited to him see him too. Dean lost track of who came and went but when their first break started Lisa stopped at his desk.

"Hey Dean," She smiled wide, a very pretty smile that Dean couldn't help but admire.

"Hey Lis, what's up?"

"Not much, I was just wondering if I could ask you something?" Lisa's entourage walked over as well, Bela eyeing him like a piece of meat – something he was used to.

"Uh… go ahead?" He shifted uncomfortably but stood his ground. Where was Jet or Cas? Why weren't they getting involved? He took a quick glance and realized that they were gone, both of them. Traitors!

"Are you free tonight?"

He hadn't expected that. Dean blinked in surprise a few times, Lisa was asking him out? He'd thought about her a couple times during the last few years but she was actually asking him out? Dean wanted to laugh at himself; Lisa was one of the hottest girls in the school and she was asking to see him. Other guys would kill for that chance and it was offered to him, a guy with eyes for another guy. His brother. Castiel. But would that ever work?

Dean smiled at her, unsure of what to do with the situation. Where was Cas? "More or less, what'd you need?"

"I was hoping you could help me with some homework, we've got this art project and I was doing something with metalwork. But my dad's gonna be gone for a few days."

Homework at Lisa's without her dad around. Dean cringed at himself, it sounded innocent at first before a dirty mind was applied to the situation. But how could he not know what she meant? Homework at her place – no parent supervision. What was he supposed to read from that? But then, what if she did need help with her project? It was a dick move to say no just because he couldn't stop thinking about sex – specifically with Cas but that didn't change the libido. So, assuming she was literally just asking a friend for help, nothing extra, he couldn't say no without a good reason.

"I'm gonna say yes," he caught himself there but it was too late already. Lisa smiled again and gave him a wink.

"I'll see you later, then." And with that she left with her moral support in tow. Meg glanced back at him with an icy look, Dean had no idea why but what he just said pissed her off. Did she know? About his feelings for Cas? No… how could she?

He started to feel guilty but he hadn't done anything wrong; if Lisa really did need help with homework he could do that. Lisa was a friend, after all. He liked joking around with her and talking to her, but his heart was set on Cas. So if she really was looking to get a little bump and grind, he'd just have to say no. That was all there was to it.

After Dean moved to the next class expecting to see Jet and Cas the bell went, and they were nowhere in sight. Dean frowned and dropped into his usual seat, where the fuck could they be? The teacher started talk and he kept glancing at the door, hoping to see them pop in.

Five minutes into the period Cas and Jet snuck inside, giving a short wave to the already frustrated teacher. "Where were you?" Dean whispered angrily and the other two both gave apologetic smiles.

"I had to ask him something," Jet confessed, "no big deal."

It was too vague of a statement to really distrust but Jet was a spectacular liar anyway, Dean figured vague was Jet's way of not lying to him. "Alright fine."


Fifteen minutes to the end of class the teacher gave them time to work on previous assignments, they could talk amongst themselves if they wanted to but they had to get the assignment done by next time. Dean smirked and packed up his stuff, "You guys know what that means."

"Free time," Jet grinned back and did the same.

Cas rubbed his eyes tiredly, "I've only been here for a few hours and I'm already exhausted. This place is so draining." He yawned and leaned back in his chair, "I really should do the homework though…"

"Do it at home, I'll help you." Dean urged him and started to pack up Cas' stuff for him.

"Thanks, I guess." Castiel laughed softly and finished the job.

"Let's get lunch early, cafeteria's serving tacos today." Jet was pretty enthusiastic about it but Cas apparently saw right through him.

"You don't care about the tacos, the desserts today are cupcakes."

Jet shrugged, "So?"

Dean grinned at him, "Don't even try to deny your addiction, man. Just go and get your damn cupcakes."

Jet nodded and was about to leave when he stopped by the door, "We're only allowed one each… can I-"

"You can have ours." Dean and Cas said at the same time, knowing full well what Jet was about to say.

"You're the best, c'mon let's go get them." He was already out the door before he finished his sentence.

Dean rolled his eyes and started after him, "You coming, Cas?"

"I'll be right there, don't worry I'll get a cupcake for him."

"Sure thing, I'll see you there." He ran out after his buddy, only managing to catch up to Jet in the already forming line.

"What the fuck is this?" Jet grumbled impatiently, "Class isn't even supposed to be out yet…"

"They want tacos, the cooks make awesome tacos." Dean pointed out with a smile; after all he was there for the tacos. Jet was the one who wanted cupcakes.

They waited together for a few minutes, not really paying much attention to the time passing until Dean felt something in his stomach again. Immediately he glanced around the area, "Where's Cas?" He tried to shake off the little anxious thoughts but they wouldn't go.

"Didn't he say he was coming?" Jet wasn't too worried, if he was it was probably more about the cupcake situation than anything else.

"Yeah but he isn't here yet…" Dean shifted back and forth, "I think I should go look for him. I know he said he was fine and shit but I don't know… He might've only come today because Sam and I wanted him to."

"Then get going," Jet nudged him gently.

Dean nodded and hurried out of the line, his stomach was in knots again and his mind started to panic. He didn't know why but he felt connected to Castiel, like his mind could somehow feel Cas'. And if that really was the case then something was wrong. Cas was in distress, his back might've been acting up or he really wasn't ready to go back to class. If he was having another episode like at Jet's place Dean wasn't sure what he'd do, but he wasn't going to ignore it.

When he got to the stairs leading to the second floor classrooms he saw Castiel on the landing by the windows, he was soaked and surrounded. Kubrick and his weird friends were all around Cas; he was hunched forward, trying to angle himself away from them. Dean knew by the way Cas moved that his back was in pain again and it didn't look like a good one.

"Get away from him!" He shouted as he bolted forward, throwing people out of his way and getting to his brother's side. "Cas, Cas it's okay." Castiel's face was pale; his eyes were squeezed shut and his mouth open in a silent scream. But he wasn't breathing right. "Cas I'm here, it's alright now." Dean's heart felt like it was stopping; he moved to stand more behind Cas to try and massage his back like he'd done on previous occasions.

This time something was wrong. Castiel's muscle moved and lifted strangely, it swelled and pulled against his shirt, Dean could only imagine what was happening to Cas' skin.

Castiel started to scream and tried to curl further forward. "It's going to be okay," Dean tried to encourage him, tried to soothe any fear Cas would feel. But he knew he couldn't really do that, all he could do was try. "I'm here, it's going to be-"

Something struck him at high speeds; he had no idea what it was but it had knocked him senseless. Dean didn't know which way was up but he did hear glass shattering. The floor was further away than he'd expected.

And since when had the ceiling been removed? There wasn't supposed to be a sky indoors…


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