A Letter to Dean
If you're reading this then you know that I'm gone. I asked the nurse to give this to you in case of my death. And if I know you, I know that you're probably going to wait years before you read this and that's fine. I know that you are probably furious with me. I get that. There is just so much I never told you or your brother and I know I owe it to you.
Our car accident was going to be the end of you. I couldn't let that happen. I made the deal so that you could live and protect your brother. I know that you don't understand. I'm sorry but I will try to explain as best I can.
When your mother died, my life, our lives took a crazy and sudden turn. I wasn't the father that you and Sam needed but I needed answers. I left my friends and our hometown behind in search of them. I know that it probably wasn't the best way to raise you boys but I was on my own and I wasn't going to let anything take you away from me.
With everything that I hunted and killed, I only always had one goal. Kill the yellow eyed demon. I honestly thought that if I killed it everything would be over. All of it. I kept us on the road all that time looking for the demon in hopes of killing it. I wanted you to have a home and for Sam to go to school. You have no idea of the guilt that I feel about Jessica's death. Maybe if I hadn't let my obsession take over my life then you both could have had that normal life that Sam strove his whole life for and Jessica would have been safe.
Dean, I need you to know that everything I did, I did for you boys. You and Sam were the only thing I had in my life. I may not have said it or showed it but that is the truth. There is nothing I wished for more than for the two of you get out of this life and find women to love. The same love kind of love I had with Mary.
Your mother was the love of my life. She was everything to me. Everything. That's why I had to have answers. Why her? Why was our family destroyed? I never got any answers but I hope that you and Sammy get some so that you can get out and live your lives. You were so young when everything happened. I don't know if you remember but I had a life before the job. For 29 years, I was a civilian. I had a chance to live life without knowing about the evil that's out there. I'm not saying that you need to quit and pretend like nothing is out there. Still protect yourself but don't make it your job, your mission to look evil in the face.
Since you're reading this, I've already told you that you and Sammy need to stick together and keep each other safe. That you need to watch your brother. That there are things going on that will effect you boys, that will effect Sam, and if that happens then you will have to kill him. I know how much that must have hurt you to hear. I'm sorry but it needed to be said, Dean. I've always told you that your main job was to look out for Sam. That's still true. In the future, it will still hold true. No matter what happens. I don't care if you get separated or one of you loses a limb. You look out for Sammy. Keep him safe. Do you understand me?
I don't know how far in the future it is right now for you but I know that you are still in the life. I know that no matter how much I wished that you boys would get out that both of you are still in. It's who you are. You save people.
I know that this is a loveless, thankless job but you are just like me. You don't need the thanks. Seeing people smiling when they're back with their families; knowing that you kept a family together is enough. Hold on to that son. It's not the thank yous that matter, it's the lives that you save that matter.
Dean, there are things that I know that I can't tell you. I know that you would have questions and we both know that even if I were alive you probably wouldn't get answers but now you can't even ask the questions. Just know that ahead of you is a long road of hurt and pain and bullshit but it's nothing that you and Sammy can't handle. I have faith in you boys.
I love you Dean. I know that I haven't said those words to you in a long long time but I do. I know that you and Sam probably just think that the only things that I ever loved were Mary and the job but you would be wrong. I hated the job. It took me away from you boys. Do you both honestly believe that I wanted to leave you with friends and sometimes strangers? You were my sons and my responsibility and I left you alone, sometimes for weeks on end. I messed up a lot with you and I'm sorry. I wouldn't change anything though. Everything that you and Sam went through as kids and even now has made you strong. It's made you Winchesters.
You were right when you told Sam that the bad guys know that you boys are my weakness. They do know. You're reading this letter so I think that's pretty clear, but you and Sam, you're each others weakness and the bad guys know that too. Even the ones you haven't met yet. That's why you have to stay close. That's why you have to look after Sammy. There are forces out there working against you, but together, no matter what you can beat them.
I'm proud of you, Dean. You are such a great man and I know that I probably had very little to do with that because I know that it's just who you are. I've always known.
Stay strong son. Keep your brother close. Protect each other. Keep making me proud. Keep saving people and hunting things. After all, it's the family business.
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