I'm better today. I slept a lot. Mom keeps asking what's wrong with me. She asks if I need more pills. FUCK PILLS. She wants to fix me so I don't make life unpleasant for her. She doesn't love me. What's the deal? Why is it so hard for her to take in and accept that I am just SAD today? That I need to be sad, or I'll be much, much sadder tomorrow when I have to...
Amy. I'll have to see Amy tomorrow. I don't know if I can handle that.
I need a drink. I need some ex, or shrooms. I need to cut. NO I DON'T. Yes I do. NO. No.
Feelings, all anybody ever talks about is feelings. You know what? Feelings are overrated. There's really nothing I want to feel, and I want to feel nothing. So why can't I just do that? Now Amy's forcing me to feel things that I really have no desire to ever encounter, and she won't let up, and it's all happening all over again. With Colin I had no choice because he died without asking me. HE NEVER ASKED IF I WANTED HIM TO GO AWAY. He just let Dr Brown crack his skull open a second time and told him not to wake him up if anything went wrong. What if it only went a little wrong, and all he lost was like, the ability to use his right pinky? What about THAT, huh Big Brother? Not good enough for His Highness?
Now Amy's turning me into not just a pervert, not just a lesbian, but a perverted lesbian. And I got no say in the matter. Laynie is an extra in her own life story.
I want to run away from home. Sixty bucks in the sock, twenty in my wallet... five in the empty lipstick, coins in my piggy bank, ten in the booksafe. Where can I get? Nowhere on that.
Shit shit shit shitting shit.
This is all Ephram's fault. If he could just have seen me for me and liked me instead of crushing on her without getting it requited then we could be dating, I could be banging him right now. We had some real chemistry, not just first-date jitters and fake shit, it was REAL. Not that I'm mooning over him, but I miss that it was more concrete than this... this insanity.
Maybe it is nobody but Amy's fault since she was the one that danced through his vision and strung him along, then started doing the same thing to me a week ago.
What the hell am I talking about?
Now I'm so hungry I could eat this book. I'll face the family long enough to eat something stupid and then come back. Or maybe I'll stop off and watch TV... as long as nobody talks to me, that's fine. I can handle it.
AUTHORESS'S NOTE: Here again is a brief journal entry filled with adolescent self-loathing. I'll confess to you that I find these the most fun to write, it forces me to switch up my style a bit.
13th: That's just Amy; she tends to be oblivious, in spite of her continual good intentions to do the right thing all the time. She has no idea how badly she transgresses... and no matter how much I loved the show, I spent most of it wishing nothing more than to throttle her!Soulless: That particular AC/DC song is a little more... seasoned than my poor Everwoodians, but I can see how that would be interesting. That is in fact the best thing about music, how it enhances life and alters our perceptions. And if I'm not shocking people, I'm not doing my job ;)xpsi: Amy is 100% clueless. I'm sure some part of her in the back of her mind suspects that things aren't really as kosher as she'd like them to be, but at this point all that's going through her mind is "Oh, Laynie's such a good friend, she actually helped me with this really awkward thing, blah blah blah." Rude awakenings are just around the corner, though...
NEXT: Bickering. Hardcore bickering.