What Would Hugo Weasley Do?

Box Sex


As you've already moved my furniture around to your liking, do you just want to go ahead and move your stuff in this weekend? I've got some boxes that I've reinforced and I've given the ones with false sides to my Dad. If we're living together now then you won't have to move in after you graduate.

Love Fred xx


Yes! Lots of box sex for you!

Love Holly xxxxxxx


Can you tell Uncle Fred to stop chatting up Holly? It's really annoying, she always laughs at his jokes more than mine. Why can't he stay in your joke shop?

Just because he's dead, he can get away with everything, it's so unfair.

I told Dad and he just laughed and thought it was great, I don't know why you married him.



P.s. Holly still loves me, right?

Dear Fred,

I accio'd Roxie but she didn't appear is she still with you?

Love Dad


She may be with me, or she may be bright blue and three apples high and running around the countryside. I turned her into a smurf to cheer up Holly. It worked :-)



What in Merlin's name is a Smurf?



Err.. Ask Holly?

I'm sure Roxie's fine. After all, she's been through worse.



To say your mother is not impressed is a slight understatement. Run!


Dear Lily,

Are you aware of the rare event that happens to the Jiibyland plant at the vernal equinox? The jiibyland plant if bred in a cluster will bloom in synchronisation at the equinox, (which happens to be tomorrow), even if they are in a dark forbidden forest, which happens to be where our cluster lives.

Unfortunately, if one or more jiibyland is diseased they will not bloom and they must be pruned immediately or all the healing qualities will be lost from the rest of the plants, as the plants will try to heal their friends.

I was hoping you wouldn't mind going along and checking on them for me it really is a sight to behold.

Professor Longbottom.

Uncle Neville,

I'd love to help out it sounds beautiful plus I take any opportunity for extra credit in Herbology.

Lots of Love,


Dear Teddy,

I include a map, and the keys to the greenhouse, you should find everything you need in there.

Thank you again for agreeing to prune the jiibyland plant, as I said earlier it's unfortunate I've been struck with this sudden cough but I wouldn't trust anyone else with such an important job.

I hope you can also gain some enjoyment from tonight, it is a beautiful sight to behold so many flowers in bloom.


Hey Molly how you doing?

Hi Lily, I'm fine, just in class, How are you?

I'm in class too, so what did you do last night?

I have the feeling you want me to ask you that question.

Are you going to?

Lily, did you get drunk last night?




What else is Louis good for?

It was the vernal equinox and I saw the jiibyland plant bloom.

OMM, Most Witches hardly ever see that! How? Was it as amazing as everyone says it is?

Gosh will you stop geeking out so much? It was pretty awesome yeah, even better Teddy was there.

Merlin, Lily, you desecrated one of the miracles of magical natural life by having sex?

We just talked, how low is your opinion of me Mollsy?

I apologise, You talked, that's sweet?

It was nice it was like before we were a couple when we were just good friends, we just caught up on stuff.

Oh bless, I'm really happy for you.

Then he gave me all flowers we had cut, it was super sweet. There was this look.

A look?

He felt something too, there's definitely something going on.

You mean like Defence Class?

Gosh, you are hilarious.

Mr Scamander,

Please could you come and see me in my office. Your essay on hexes seem very specific.

Professor Lupin.

Professor Lupin,

I apologise when I was writing that essay I had other things on my mind. I hope during our meeting I managed to assure you that I am of no danger to any of my classmates.

Lorcan Scamander.


I need your help in exacting revenge.

Your sister and my brother had sex and then he hexed me because I was being supportive. So I need ammunition, specifically information about their sex life so I can embarrass them. I figured seeing as you know everything you would be able to help.

Seriously, my balls are really cold.



Joshua Redgraves.

Do you remember the real identity of the minion that was demoted for following the wrong Scamander brother? Correspondence may be necessary.

Lucy Weasley

The Revered Ms. Weasley,

I have since dismissed the minion you refer to, although I have retained her on a contract basis for other means. Since her dismissal from the LWOA, her duties have not explicitly pertained to Lorcan Scamander yet I have vouched all of the information she has obtained. I enclose her details, but I would first like to ask if there is anything I may be able to assist with.

Minion 1

Dear Joshua,

Although I am curious to know why you have hired a personal investigator be assured I will not (purposely) ask her anything that may compromise the Lucy Weasley Observation Army, or our professional relationship. I have simply been asked by Lorcan Scamander to assist him in a scheme of revenge, thank you for the information.



Meet me in the library, 8:00pm be subtle.


For Merlin's sake, Lorcan, Stop talking, so loudly! Just write notes okay?

I only said hello, besides everyone can see us. Isn't it a bit weird not to be talking?

Not when you are in a library, and besides what do you think the big pile of books is for we are going to pretend to be studying.

So what are we doing?

We are spying on our favourite lovebirds, their study group is about to end and my sources tell me, they like to stay behind in the library afterwards. We just have to wait for them to get handsy.

I love that you're weird, Lucy Weasley.

I'll take what I can get. How are your testicles?

I got Hugo to turn them back to the correct colour for me.

Lucky Hugo, I'm sure he enjoyed that.

What do you mean?

I was referring to Hugo's liking for other men's genitalia.

Hugo's gay?


Damn, Lysander, I'm going to curse his balls off. No one is allowed to appreciate mine unless I'm fully aware of it.

Lucy, it's been ages and they're just studying, let's call it a night.

Gosh, you're such an amateur, do you know how long I've waited for you to come out of broom closets, lessons or dormitories? I thought you wanted revenge.

Lucy, Don't go! I'll wait some more.


Please meet me tonight, you know where, you know what time. I have what you are looking for. Come Alone.

J.R. Min1


Further to our meeting, please destroy that note.

I thank you, for completing my mission and your promise not to reveal it's contents, but most of all your advice.



Just to let you know I have a positive view on nepotism and you are my favourite cousin and professor.



So do I, clever Empath, tell me all the gossip.


P.S. Your homework is still due on Wednesday.


Well I am sworn to secrecy on some topics but I do know one or two things. Especially about who likes who you dirty bastard. If you need me to keep quiet then I think less homework is required.



Calling me a 'dirty bastard' isn't the best way to reduce the amount of homework I give you.

You are bluffing, if you aren't that is very explosive information you hold. Keep the pin in that grenade.



I'm just messing, but really you think I'd risk that if I didn't have anything to back it up? I'm not that stupid.

Besides, I'd never bluff with you cuz ;) so how is it going?



Never thought you were stupid, but I do think you need to forget what you know, or 'felt'.

If there is anything, it's none of your business.



I could always ask Vic, she won't lie to me, she can't. But I respect that you don't want to tell me all of it so you don't have to.

Just in case you want to though, I'm here for you with all my infinite wisdom.



I know you have various methods of evilness to validate what you probably already know.

How about when I'm good and ready, or in desperate need of sanctuary I'll come and find you, until then do your homework!

Prof. Teddy

Professor T,

Fine I'll do my homework, I was just trying to be supportive. Honestly if I was in your position I'd be grateful to have an empath around to tell me how to fix it. But no forget it.

Louis Weasley.


Do you have the note we wrote in class about Ly and I?



You mean the one about the two of you making lurrvve. Why do you want it?



You have it, oh good. I thought I'd stapled it into my diary like all our other notes but when I looked it wasn't there.



I don't have it, and why do you keep all our notes? Lucy-alert...!



I like to hang on to them for posterity, and a ballad I was working on, but if you don't have it who does?



I need your help with something, I've lost something and I need to retrieve it urgently.



I'm guessing something more than Accio is required? Of course I'll help you, but espionage isn't really my area of expertise. My advice would be to turn to your sister, although it is always difficult to employ her services in anything. Therefore I enclose the map, use it as your bargaining chip, as you know she has been banned from using it since the incident of misuse in her first year, but after the events of Valentines day I feel we may be able to trust her with it again.



Your answer to WWHWD, if incriminating evidence of him was in someone else's hands is go to Lucy? Thanks anyway for the map, I may just try Accio.



Will you meet me? I've lost something very important and it's of the utmost concern that I retrieve it as it contains humiliating information.

Your sister,



I am very busy but I will be in the great hall at dinner time, as is one of the unfortunate social conventions of Hogwarts, and I won't ignore you if you talk to me about your pressing concern.

Of the same parents,



Just to confirm from my previous letter that all is destroyed.

Lucy Weasley.


Take this letter as confirmation enclosed. We are the only other people who know of the contents.



I guess, thank you, I found the two letters you slipped under my pillow. I'm going to ignore the questions I have; Like who is J.R.? How did you get into my room? How on earth did you get the note destroyed when I only just asked you at dinner a few hours ago. So, just thank you, you may be an evil mastermind, but you are also a great sister.



Don't worry, everything's sorted. I never thought I'd say this but thank Merlin for Lucy.



What's sorted? I feel like I'm missing something.



You look relieved, is everything sorted?



Yes, everything is fine. Surprisingly Lucy really came through for me, I thought the only thing she cared about was Lorcan but when itcomes to evil masterminding geniusness, she is excellent.



I'm afraid to ask what she had to do, to solve the problem…



I haven't asked, with Lucy it's often better just to not know. Saves on therapy bills, and existential crises.



Same with Albus.

Now, go snuggle with Lysander, he looks confused by the whole situation.



Lysander and I had a lovely snuggle ;-)

To thank you for the suggestion and well because I want someone to read it, and its a definite no-go subject with the general population: I attach LilTed the Jilted.

Love Molly


Firstly excellent piece of writing, with a muse like me of course it is excellent.

Secondly, it's really helped me put everything that happened into perspective. Maybe it's being surrounded by the love in our families relationships, or maybe it's Lucy growing up and spending time with Lorcan without trying to lick his face, but I think I may have renewed my hope in this whole love thing.

Thank-you my favourite cousin,


P.S. I'll start stapling your notes into my diary too.


I need the map. Louis has something of mine.



I don't have the map, I gave it to Molly and I presume she gave it to Lucy.



We'll circle back to the fact that Lucy has the map, after we swore never to let her have it, after we find Louis.



I'll search Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, and I'll see if I can find the map. Check out the greenhouses, lets hope he's not going through one of his naked phases again.



I don't think he is, he stole my trousers.



I have two questions:

1. Where were the trousers when he stole them?

2. When did you notice when they were gone?



On my legs, duh. Almost immediately… well, when I went outside and my legs were chilly, it also clued me in as to why people were laughing.

NOW find my trousers, Hubert!

Love James.

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