What Would Hugo Weasley Do?

The ugliest statue known to wizard

Hi Lysander,

You know how we're friends, right? I'm envoking that pact we made when we were about four. The one that says you have to do something for me.



P.S. I like the new hair cut.


You made that pact with Lorcan. I owe you nothing.

However, I guess we are friends, though ever since we got back to school, I've hardly seen you. What's going on?


P.S. It makes me look less like Lorcan, therefore his fan-girls can't mob me.


That's why I need you, I've been busy lately and my family might get suspicious so I need you to be my decoy.

I know for a fact it was you I made the pact with because you cried. I can tell you apart you know.


P.S. Who'd have thought he'd be such a player?


How exactly would I be your decoy?

Please, can you use Lorcan? There's a secret project I'm working on which is really important.


P.S. I know right?. Well, it's not all fun and games for him, your cousin Lucy likes him, serves him right for stealing my girlfriends, all those times.


Will you go out with me?

You are so much better than Lorcan, blah de blah blah.


P.S. Lucy's crazy...you do know that right?

What the fuck, Lily?

When I asked you out in 2nd year. You mentioned something about rather eating your own hand.

This would seriously interfere with my previously mentioned project. So I'm going to say Noooo.

Oh and 'blah de blah blah' isn't a compliment.


P.S. I know she's crazy. It's okay though, I think 'finite incantatem' covers most of what she can do to him.


Okay, that may have been a little extreme. But this will help with your 'dating molly' project. Girls want what they don't have. Plus you don't need your ego inflating you'll end up like your brother.


P.S. I think a restraining order would help more.


Fine, I'll go out with you then, but I reserve the right, to dump you whenever necessary. If this doesn't help me get Molly, then I'll eat your hand.

See you at dinner,



That was the optimistic response I was hoping for. Sit with me at dinner...


Dear Lysander,

I heard that you were dating my cousin, I just wanted to say that you are both lovely people and I'm sure you'll be very happy together.




We're best friends, right? Meet me by the statue of Higgis the Hyperbolic at 8pm.




I just got an alert from the new recruit that minion 5 suggested, alerting to the presence of Lysander Scamander rather than Lorcan. Now the alert did turn up some results, but if she can't tell the difference between the brothers she definitely has to go.

Lucy Weasley.


I'll handle it.


Molly Weasley,

It has been brought to my attention that as of tonight you were seen snogging Lysander Scamander next to the ugliest statue known to man.

Lucy Weasley.


It's not like that, well it is you aren't hallucinating, but Lily knows...well I don't know if she knows that exactly. Basically, all is not as it seems and I've no idea how this is going to turn out, so can we please just talk about something else.


P.S. Don't tell anyone.

Molly Weasley,

If I'm keeping the secret that you are Lysander's other woman, then you can talk to Lorcan for me, I follow him around all the time and he still hasn't noticed I exist.

Lucy Weasley.


Have you tried not stalking him? He is four years older than you, so I don't think he's going to turn around and fall in love with you. Maybe date a guy your own age?

Thanks, for not telling anyone. Though I know it was you who sent that tripping jinx when Lily and Ly were holding hands the other day.



Lorcan and I are meant to be, he just doesn't know it yet.

I'm not admitting to sending that jinx, I just think that if you like him and he likes you, you should be together, Lily can have someone else - though not Lorcan, he's mine.



Can you tell Molly, to tell her little sister, laura or whatever her name is, to leave me alone?

Oh, and to go to her classes, I think she just spends all her time waiting for me to come out of places, my lessons..my dorm..bathrooms...

It's disconcerting.



I just got a note from Lorcan (through Lysander) and I definitely think he isn't interested. If you don't want to date someone your own age, have you tried stalking someone your own age?

Also, have you stopped going to lessons because of your stalking 'duties'? If so that's not good, we are here to get an education, and if you don't mum and dad will be really annoyed.

Your concerned sis,


~MoM The Ministry of Magic MoM~

Lucy Weasley

Dorm F

Gryffindor Tower



Dear Lucy,

Although this letter arrives separate from the morning post allow me to reassure any of your concerns both your mother and I are perfectly well. I hope you too are well, although I fear you are not. That is in fact the reason I am writing to you, my secretary delivered a letter to me from your headmistress. Lucy are you aware your grades are slipping?

Don't worry I haven't told your Mother, there's no need for her to find out, I'm sure we can get this sorted. You're a very bright girl.

Is it a teacher? I had teachers I didn't connect with and they handed me back homework once or twice with a lower grade than I expected. If that's the case we can work on that maybe you're trying too hard.

Now if you're struggling with your subjects help is at hand, I remember a thing or two, I'd be happy to help with Transfiguration that was my best subject. I understand it may be tough to work with someone you know so closely so feel free to decline. In terms of your other subjects I have a whole office full of people who spend a lot of their time milling about chatting apparently doing nothing so I've asked one of them to dig out some of their qualifications I'll set up a quick test and soon find out who remembers their Charms NEWT. I'll have tutors set up in no time.

Of course, if that doesn't suit either, I am on the board of governors at Hogwarts I can always make up an excuse to take the test results from a range of students, and then suggest some of your peers that you could approach if need be. I can even arrange the study group if you are too shy to ask.

If there's anything else I can do to help, just let me know, I'm always just a letter away.

Lots of Love

Your Father,

Percy I. Weasley

Chief Mugwump of the Wizengamot

First Order of Merlin

International Confederation of Wizardy

Honorary Member of the Sorcerous Pragmatic Society


Today I got a letter from the school saying you've been doing poorly in your schoolwork. Don't worry your dad was at work, so he doesn't know, and I won't tell him. I found it tough when I was your age as well but if there's anything else you want to talk about maybe friends or boys? You can always talk to me or your sister, you got on so well when you were little.

I love you very much.



P.s. I thought you might need a little pick me up so I made you some brownies.


You are my teacher and an adult behave like one, and stop groping me in hallways, one of these days we'll get caught. My family already think I'm acting weird, so I asked Lysander out.

Love you,



Thanks for explaining to me that he's your decoy, I nearly had a heart attack. Sorry for the public displays of affection, I have difficulty controlling myself when you are around.

Can I ask why you chose him? Should my hair be blonde tomorrow?

Love you more,



He's part of my grand plan, well, it's not that grand I've been "observing" and I think Lysander may like Molly, but she's too shy to notice him as anything more than a friend. So I'm going to force them together.

Try the blonde hair, I'll see what I think.



What do you think of the blonde?



I'm guessing you liked the blonde hair - hope you got back to your dorm okay? I really wouldn't have minded walking you.

Love you beautiful,


Dear Professor Sexy,

I particularly liked your lecture today on how werewolves live anonymously in our society, I did think you failed to mention how some werewolves enjoy tackling sixth year redheads behind the pumpkin patch and their tendency to give love bites in the most awkward places.

With Love,

A concerned Student.

Dear Lily,

I think we should discuss this matter further meet me at the cabbage patch after dinner.

Your Professor.

Hey Sexy,

I can't stop thinking about last night, I have a ton of homework to mark and I keep giving them Os even when they are terrible maybe you could come and help me? Plus I'd like to talk because Oh Fucking Merlin What am I going to do when your father finds out that I took his little girl's virginity in a cauliflower patch.



Cauliflower, deflower, Lily, I'm sure there's a limerick in there somewhere.


P.S. What's done is done, so want to do it again?


Oh no, I'm not risking your Father finding out we're having sex more than once.

Now come meet me I want to snuggle.



Daddy won't find out, and you think he'll be any more pleased that you use my breasts as pillows than everything else you do to my body.



Your father is Harry Potter he will find out and I'm trying to violate you as little as possible so he has as few reasons to kill me. Oh good you are here.


Dear Professor Lupin,

I would like to meet with you about creating and maintaining appropriate relationships between students and members of the faculty as with all relationships there is a line to be drawn and it appears that you have tapdanced across that line.

On a more personal note stay the hell away from my goddaughter.

Yours Sincerely

Professor Neville Longbottom

Headmaster of Hogwarts

Your Boss!


Look what Neville just sent me, I know we're in love and nothing could stand in the way of that. But in the manliest way possible, I'm terrified. Protect me.



Deny all knowledge of it. You've never met me or cauliflowers.

Just kidding, chill sweetie. I'll sort it.



If you need any help with the body, ask Albus


Dear Headmaster Longbottom,

I shall have to decline your kind invitation because I am currently hiding - I mean I don't know what you are talking about. I hope that you value me enough as a human being not to tell Uncle Harry about this, and instead let me (never tell him)



Dear Professor Lupin,

I plan on joining the witch hunt and when we find you, we'll kill you.

Well that was the plan, but Lily came to see me. She told me that it isn't a completely secret relationship and that you are both in love and she looked so happy when she talked about you. I wasn't reassured. The truth of the matter is you aren't being open and honest with the one person who means the most to you and whilst you continue to lie to Harry, I'm afraid that this relationship is not good for either of you it won't end well Teddy and I worry of the damage it will do. You and Lily could make a wonderful team but not like this, never like this. I urge you to tell Harry and leave my staff immediately.

Professor Longbottom.

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