Dazzle and Stretch: The Twilight Musical

By Elysian III

Humor / Romance

Act 1, Scene 1: Carlisle

1.1 Carlisle

In front of the closed curtain, a dark-haired woman in her late thirties walks to center stage. With a somber-yet-slightly-dreamy look on her face, Stephanie Meyer addresses the audience. "Vampires. For hundreds of years, they have been misunderstood, portrayed as beasts who terrorize the twilight, villains who rise with the new moon, as monsters who hide in the shadows of the eclipse and depart by the breaking dawn. But the truth of the matter is that vampires aren't very different from you and me. They are simply sparkly, immortal, eternally-youthful, ever-beautiful versions of humans who like their meat a little bit rarer, or no meat at all, just…blood. That's not so odd, is it?"

She shakes her head sympathetically, and then continues:

"This show—and its inspiration—were created to debunk those nasty, old-fashioned rumors. And so, we open in a time of darkness, when vampires were regarded with even more fear than today." Behind her, the curtain opens, revealing a cobblestone London street. A mob of screaming people dressed in Victorian clothing run from one end of the stage to the other pursued by a cackling man with white skin and bared teeth.

"These poor, misunderstood vampires were hunted by vicious mobs, forced into hiding for nothing else than trying to survive." The screaming mob and vampire run across the stage again, this time followed by another group of people with torches. As soon as they disappear from the stage, Stephanie Meyer continues talking again as though the screaming people never existed.

"Our story begins not with one of the hunted, but with the hunter—a man by the name of Carlisle Cullen." The mob/vampire/mob runs across the stage once again, but this time the last group of people freezes in the center of the stage, and a spotlight shines on the man in the lead, a well-dressed blond man in his late twenties carrying a torch and a large wooden crucifix.

For the first time, Stephanie Meyer turns to acknowledge the people on stage, Carlisle in particular. "This is the story of Carlisle Cullen and his family. Let it begin!" With a dramatic arm swirl, she drops a smoke pellet and disappears down a trapdoor in the stage.

On stage, the mob unfreezes and Carlisle turns to face his compatriots, holding his crucifix aloft. Motioning for silence, he begins to sing:

"Vampire Hunt"

To the tune of "Wanted (Dead or Alive)" by Jon Bon Jovi

Sung by Carlisle Cullen

I'm a leader, just like my father before

Preach against all this evil demon lore

We rise to fight the darkness of the night

Restore our world back to sacred light

There're vampires, running for their lives

We must slay them

They mustn't survive

Slay them

They mustn't survive...

Carlisle picks up a handful of pitchforks and begins tossing them to people in the crowd, pointing them in different directions. Pairs of people begin to disperse offstage on their vampire hunts while the song continues.

We're on the trail of a coven that I've found

It's our destiny from God that we must hunt them down

We'll find them one by one

And we'll put an end to this

The murder in the streets by the vampire menace

He's a vampire, running for his life

I must slay him

He mustn't survive

Slay him

He mustn't survive...

Oh he will die!

During the musical interlude, the last few people depart with their pitchforks, leaving Carlisle alone in the middle of the stage. He begins to search fruitlessly for the vampire, shading his eyes and looking into the audience. Meanwhile, the vampire from before sneaks up behind him, attacking him and biting him on the neck before running off. Carlisle slumps to the ground, holding his newly injured neck and looking horrified. Upon hearing the noises from the mob coming closer, he struggles to his feet again, locating the "sewer" trapdoor in the stage.

I'm a vampire; I'm running for my life

They'll slay me

But I must survive

I've been attacked; I am becoming what I hate

The hunt will go on, but for me it is too late

I must escape; I must crawl away

I was once the hunter but now I am the prey

I'm a vampire; I'm running for my life

They'll slay me

But I must survive!

With that, he disappears into the same trapdoor as Stephanie Meyer a moment before two vampire hunters return to the scene. One of the men stops short, asking, "Where'd Carlisle go?" The pitchfork-bearers begin searching the scene, confused as to where their leader has gone.

His partner speaks up: "You don't think he…"

"Found him without us? Probably."

"Lucky bastard." Suddenly, the second man grabs the arm of the other guy. "Did you hear that?"

After a guilty pause, the first vampire hunter responds, "No."

"Well, then I heard something. I think it came from over there. What do you think it was?"

"Oh, nothing. Probably just a hungry, blood-thirsty vampire who wants to suck us dry and pick our corpses clean," the first hunter replies in a casual tone.

"Let's check it out." Both men disappear off stage without even glancing toward the trapdoor "manhole", leaving their leader to rot in the sewers while they chase their new adventure. As they leave the stage, the London buildings pull back, replaced with smooth walls formed in a circular tunnel. Suddenly, a figure drops from the ceiling, landing in a thin layer of sewer water with a splashing sound. Twitching madly, Carlisle fights the pain to curl into a fetal position. But apparently, he is not in so much agony that he cannot sing:


To the tune of "Bye, Bye, Bye" by NSync

Sung by Carlisle Cullen

Burn, burn, burn (burn echoes)

Burn, burn,

Oww, oww.

I never thought that I

Would ever really wish to die

But now I cannot lie

I want this to end

This fire in my veins

I think I'm gonna go insane

If I can't stop this pain; I'm losing control

Transforming into a vampire

I'm gonna turn

There's no way I can stop this fire

Baby burn, burn, burn

Almost as if he can't control the actions in his limbs, Carlisle gets to his feet and begins to dance in a jerky manner, a weird cross between the Macarena and the Robot.

Burn burn

My heart is turning into lead

Pretty sure it feels as though I'm halfway dead

Insides churning but I'm gonna turn

Baby burn, burn, burn

Burn burn

A quickened pulse and then it stops

So I feel like I'm alive but I'm really not

I'll be a vampire

After I turn

No more burn, burn, burn

With a last screech and robotic flourish, Carlisle falls back to the ground, twitches once, and then falls still. Then, slowly, he raises himself to his feet once again, inspecting his hands and fingers. When he turns to the audience, the slats of sunlight coming through the sewer grate illuminate his skin in little sparkles, an effect that he examines with growing horror and disgust on his face.

"Eurgh!" he yells. "So not only am I a monster, but now I'm sparkly, too? I can't live like this!" He flops face down, trying to drown himself in the shallow sewer water. After a few moments, he gets to his knees, spitting out the rancid water. "Damn it! How's a guy supposed to kill himself if he doesn't have to breathe?" He tries a couple other ways, attempting to stab himself but only managing to bend the blade and throwing himself under a carriage but ending up breaking the wheels. Finally, Carlisle tries to shoot himself, and then giggles madly like the bullet tickles him. He throws down the gun in frustration.

"Fine! I might be doomed to be a monster, but that doesn't mean I'm going to live like one! I'm going to get some culture!" He marches to the edge of the curtain to grab a suitcase that reads: Italy or Bust. He meanders around the stage in a sightseeing manner, and meanwhile the sewer setting is replaced with another cityscape, this time of ancient Italy. Other people begin strolling around him as well, though these people are all dressed in long, bloodred robes. Carlisle pulls out a map and begins studying it confusedly, while about a dozen robed figures circle him and begin closing in. Finally, he looks up and jumps slightly in surprise.

"Oh! Hi."

The two figures in front of him turn their hooded heads to each other, then wave tentatively at him.

"Maybe you can help me? I think I'm completely lost. I'm looking for—" his voice drops to a whisper—"the famous vampire coven, the Volturi?"

The two figures exchange another look, then the one on the left flips back his hood, revealing a shoulder-length head of dark hair and a pale papery face. Enthusiastically, Aro announces in a game show voice, "Then you've come to the right place!"

Carlisle looks delighted as the red robed figures line up to either side of him in a can-can dance. When their robes flip open, they reveal sequined linings that glitter like stars. Carlisle steps in front of the line and starts to sing:


To the tune of "Love Shack" by The B-52s

Sung by Carlisle Cullen and The Volturi

Carlisle: I have traveled all this way to this ancient city

To learn culture taught by-

All: Volturi! Volturi!

We stand above all the other Cold Ones

Known for being art patrons

Of the fine arts we are patrons

One by one, the robed figures leave the line and return to the stage carrying various paintings, sculptures, and scrolls to "show off" to Carlisle before tossing them off stage again.

Aro: Of all the vampires, we are far more refined

We're the royalty of vampire kind

Marcus: We enforce the one rule and punish transgressors

Who toe the line and threaten the life we live for

All: Volturi are the law of the land when

You become a vampire

Volturi! The Volturi!

Behave! Or we'll kill you!

Behave! Or we'll kill you!

Breaking from their dances, the Volturi start to circle Carlisle again, this time in an even more nefarious manner. They close in on him, and the spotlights centers on his face frozen in an Oh-crap-what-did-I-get-myself-into? expression, before fading to black.

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