Dazzle and Stretch: The Twilight Musical

By Elysian III

Humor / Romance

Act 1, Scene 5: Emmett

1.5 Emmett

The scene on stage resembles a forest, complete with various types of foliage, from trees to bushes. Green lighting enhances the natural aspect of the background. The center of the stage is clear of trees and bushes, though there is a very large rock near the back of the cleared area. The scene is momentarily devoid of human presence.

A man enters from stage right, wearing hiking boots, a plaid button-down shirt, and khaki shorts. He has bandanas tied around both his neck and his head and he is wearing a bulging Scooby-Doo backpack. In one hand he holds a tree branch that he alternates using as a walking stick and as a baseball bat, hitting leaves, trees and bushes as he passes. He reaches the clearing at the center of the stage, looks around and mutters, "Ok, Emmett, time for elevensies!"

Emmett sits down on the rock, deposits his backpack nearby and starts rummaging inside, obviously looking for nourishment. From the pack, he pulls out a checked blanket, which he lays on the ground in front of him. On top of the blanket, he places a knife, fork and a series of food items, including a bag of trail mix, beef jerky, a loaf of bread, a chunk of cheese, three baked potatoes and a Christmas ham. Rubbing his hands together, Emmett looks forlornly at his meal, sighing, "It's not much, but it'll have to do. Although…I should probably save some for later." He picks up the trail mix and returns it to his bag.

As he spears his fork into the ham, a low growling is heard from stage left, before a large grizzly bear appears on all fours. The bear is sniffing the air, obviously drawn to the scene by the smell of Emmett's food. Emmett continues eating, oblivious to the danger approaching him. The bear reaches the edge of the blanket, sits back on his haunches and pulls out a napkin, which he ties around his neck. Emmett notices the bear's presence just as it reaches towards the chunk of cheese.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" He cries, dropping the fork and standing up. "You are not permitted to touch! There's not enough here for the two of us!"

He bows once to the bear, then crouches into a fighting position, a cross between karate and kick-boxing. He begins singing, all the while bouncing around the stage and circling the bear:

"Man vs. Beast"

To the tune of "Kung Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas

Sung by Emmett Cullen

Emmett: Old Smokey has appeared before me

They tell us never to flee

'Cause running is just not for me

Show this punk who's more deadly

I'll open a world of hurt, there's a storm coming round

I'm too fast to be seen, I'm so gonna take you down

You'll wish that you were dead, 'cause right now I'm seeing red

Gonna roundhouse-kick your face, make sure you know your place

Old Smokey has appeared before me

They tell us never to flee

'Cause running is just not for me.

Show this punk who's more deadly.

(Bear growl)

The bear, angered by Emmett's smack-talking, rises to his feet and bats his opponent once with his paw before running offstage again with the ham between his teeth. Emmett collapses, clutching his chest in agony.

"I'm dying!" He moans. "So many regrets! I didn't finish eating!" He loses consciousness.

Mere moments later, Rosalie skips onstage from stage left. She sniffs the air again, muttering under her breath, "The bear definitely came this way and it met…a pig?" She looks around, confused by the smell of ham, and spots Emmett.


She leans over him, poking his shoulder with her finger. Then she catches sight of his face. "Oh!" she repeats. "Isn't he cute!"

Rosalie kneels next to Emmett's unconscious form, feeling for a pulse. A worried look covers her face, followed by a flash of inspiration. She grabs his arms and lifts him over her shoulder in a firefighter's hold. She sniffs the air again, and her eyes roll back into her head in ecstasy. "Oh, he smells divine!" Running around the stage with Emmett on her shoulders, she expresses her dilemma in song:

"Repressing the Urge"

To the tune of "Wouldn't it Be Nice" by The Beach Boys

Sung by Rosalie Hale

Rosalie: Oh how much I want to sink my teeth in

How his blood just sets my thirst afire

But even though I feel this painful urging

It's not enough to match my heart's desire

Never have I seen a man so splendid

I can't bear to see his life be ended

And yet I want to try a taste of his blood

Just a teeny weenie little sip

But I cannot tell which urge is stronger:

The want to drink his blood or kiss his lips?

So now to Carlisle I will take him

And a vampire he will make him

And then he will be mine...

Carlisle, Esme and Edward, dressed as Davey Crocket-ish pioneers, enter the stage during this last line, chatting unconcernedly until Rosalie skids to a stop in front of them.

"Carlisle!" she gasps, placing Emmett gently on the floor.

Immediately grasping the situation, Carlisle leans down to check for a pulse in Emmett's wrist while the other three look on in worried silence. Rosalie is the first to break the silence:

"So…can I keep him?"

In response, Carlisle leans over Emmett to bite him and the stage is filled with Emmett's cry of pain. The scene ends as Edward comments to the group at large, "At least it's not another girl, or us guys would never see the bathroom again."

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