Riddle De Dee: The Voldemort Musical

Act 1, Scene 1: The Orphanage

Act I, Scene 1: The Orphanage

The stage is set. The curtains are deep black velvet. There is no light but one solitary offstage gel, casting a dreary gray illumination onto the stage. All is still, until a pale, blonde, pompous-looking man appears, seemingly from thin air, in the centre of the stage. A faint spot is set on the man, but most of the light is reflected off of his white hair to add brightness to the area.


(To the Musically Spoken Intro and Conclusion of "Stonehenge" by Spinal Tap)

Sung by Lucius Malfoy

Lucius: London, 1937.

As you can see, in those days, everything was dark.

The city—dark. The streets at night—dark.

The people—dark. And behind me, the orphanage

where our story begins—dark.

There is a musical interlude, during which Lucius and several hooded Death Eaters perform a Lord of the Dance Irish jig.

It's said that we are

Products of our environment

Is it any wonder

That the subject of our story

Dark Lord Voldemort

Turned out to be so very… dark?

In fact, one could say he was

the darkest of them all…

As soon as he is finished speaking, a young boy with shiny black hair walks onstage. This boy is little Tommy Riddle, the hero of our story. He looks at the audience and chortles evilly before sauntering to a bed and taking a seat. Tommy rubs his hands together in a gleeful way while the background noise of children playing can be heard. As the lights come up on this somewhat disturbing little lad, he starts to sing.


(To the tune of "Zippidy-Do-Da" by Ray Gilbert & Allie Wrubel)

Sung by Little Tommy

Little Tommy:

Riddle-de-dee-da, Riddle-de-day

Why must I in this orphanage stay?

Ultimate evil; I'm heading that way

Riddle-de-dee-da, Riddle-de-day

Mr. Bunny hanging from the rafters—

Tommy's song is cut short by the sudden entrance of two people: Professor Dumbledore, a tall man with long auburn hair and beard, and a skinny woman who is the matron of the orphanage. They take their seats in two chairs at the end of the stage, one of which is behind a simple wooden desk. Tommy stands up off of the bed and tiptoes to eavesdrop at the door that separates his 'room' from the 'office', where he overhears them sing:

Little Tom Riddle

(To the tune of "Hakuna Matata" by Tim Rice)

Sung by Orphanage Matron, Professor Dumbledore, & Little Tommy

O.M.: Little Tom Riddle

What an odd little lad

Dumbledore: Little Tom Riddle

Has no mum and dad

O.M.: Strange things seem to happen

When he gets really mad

Dumbledore: That's no problem, see

So just tell me about little Tom Riddle

O.M.: Well, before he was even born…

Little Tommy (suddenly appears): Before I was even BORN!

O.M.: Go away Tommy.

Little Tommy: Sorry. (sulks off)

O.M.: His mother appeared from the cold freezing rain

Had Little Tommy, then died from the pain

Dumbledore: What a sad little tale

How it seems such a shame

O.M.: But she lived just long enough to give him a name

Named "Tom" for his dad

Dumbledore: He was named for his dad?

O.M.: And "Marvolo" for gramps

Dumbledore: "Marvolo"? Sounds like dish detergent

O.M.: And he's been here ever since

Dumbledore: What's he like?

O.M.: He's got a bit of a temper and—

Dumbledore: That's okay, we'll take him anyway

O.M.: Oh… Fabulous!

Both: Little Tom Riddle

What an odd little lad

Little Tom Riddle

Has no mum and dad

Little Tommy (Appearing): Strange things seem to happen

When I get really mad!

O.M.: Get OUT, Tommy!

Dumbledore: That's no problem, see

Just leave him to me; little Tom Riddle

While instrumental music continues in the background, the Orphanage Matron leads Dumbledore across the stage. Tommy, having heard them coming, grabs a book and jumps on his bed, pretending to read as they walk in the room.

"Tommy," says the matron. "You've got a visitor. This is Professor Dumbledore."

Dumbledore and Tommy shake hands, while the matron exits the stage. As soon as she leaves, Tommy flops back down on the bed, looking bad-tempered.

"What are you here for?" he says resentfully.

"To tell you about a very special place," says Dumbledore.

"It's an asylum, isn't it? She wants me looked at, doesn't she? Well, I'm not crazy!" Tommy jumps up from his bed again, looking indignant.

"I know you're not crazy, Tommy. And Hogwarts is not an asylum; it's a school of magic."

Tommy looks shocked. "Magic?" he asks disbelievingly.

"Yes. Tommy, you are a wizard. And I am here to ask whether you would like to go to Hogwarts…"

As this last line is spoken, Dumbledore leads Tommy offstage. The scene changes. The bed and desk slide out of sight, and a sign drops down reading "Platform 9 ¾". All around students, parents, and random wizards are dancing while loading trunks onto the Hogwarts Express and saying their goodbyes. Dumbledore leads little Tommy back onstage, Hogwarts trunk in tow. As the older wizard helps the dark little youngster load his things they continue the song.

Dumbledore and Tommy: We're going, to Hogwarts. We're going, to Hogwarts. We're going, to Hogwarts.

We're going, to Hogwarts. We're going, to Hogwarts. We're going, to Hogwarts. We're going, to Hogwarts. We're going—

Little Tommy: Strange things seem to happen

When I get really mad!

Dumbledore: That's no problem, see

Come to Hogwarts with me; little Tom Riddle

It's no problem, see

So come to Hogwarts with me;

Little Tom Riddle

A-oooooo, Tommy Riddle

Oh Little Tommy Riddle...

Little Tommy and Dumbledore continue vocalizing and strutting around the stage as the lights fade to black.

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