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Cat Troubles

By Illusinia

Humor

Cat Troubles

“Good morning to all!” boomed Thor loudly as he burst through the doors of the S.H.I.E.L.D. living quarters which were shared by Darcy and Jane. Two bedrooms connected into one living space which connected into the main base, thus Thor could enter this space without fear of embarrassment or a tasing from Darcy. He had learned the hard way that entering any of the back rooms in the same manner would earn him both, potentially simultaneously.
Jane, who had been relaxing on the large couch placed in the middle of the room, nearly fell from her perch. Really, she should have been used to it by now. Thor had been back for months.

“Dear god!” exclaimed Jane as she untangled herself from the couch and stood. “Really Thor, you need to knock.”

Thor looked puzzled as he stepped into the room, followed by Loki, who was trying his hardest not to snicker at the sight. Weeks before, Thor has successfully pulled him from the bout of madness he'd fallen into after the rather disconcerting discovery that he was adopted and a monster. Well, according to Thor, he was only a monster when he was mad. Both mentally and emotionally that is.

Loki was pulled from his thoughts when Darcy came from one of the rooms looking rather pissed. “Geez Thor, way to make an entrance. Thanks to you, Odin is currently hiding under my bed! It was hard enough getting him out here and settled, and now he won't come out!”

Loki and Thor halted rather suddenly, horrified looks crossing their faces. Jane had lost her grip on the book she had been reading, which struck the ground with a loud clang. Erik, who had been coming through the door after the boys with a large box in his hands simply shook his head.

“Thor scared him?” inquired Erik, having caught the last bit of Darcy's rant.

“Yes,” growled Darcy. “Ugh, getting him settled in here is going to be impossible if Thor keeps bursting in here like a crazy SOB.”

“What about Frigga?” questioned Erik. “Did she run as well?”

Darcy snorted. “Please, Frigga won't come out of my closet. Hell, she won't come out of my boot.”

Erik just shook his head. “You have the strangest cats.”

“Cats?!?” exclaimed Thor and Loki simultaneously.

“Yes,” replied Darcy petulantly. “Ones YOU scared. It'd serve you right if I made YOU drag Odin out from under the bed.”

“I do not know how my father came to be a cat, but I refuse to drag him from beneath your bed!” exclaimed Thor. “I do NOT wish to be banished again!”

Darcy and Erik looked at Thor like he was insane. Loki looked ready to pass out.

“It's a normal cat idiot,” snapped Darcy. “Odin is a generic tabby-mix from a shelter. Now, GET HIM OUT FROM UNDER MY BED!”

Thor, feeling startled by Darcy's rather apparent anger and fearing that she may again use the electricity-producing weapon she referred to as a “taser” against him, chose to simply comply with her demand and pray that his father would not banish him for such forceful actions.

Cautiously entering Darcy's room, Thor located the offending bed quickly. Dropping to his knees, he peered underneath only to meet two bright glowing green-yellow eyes. Immediately, Thor came to his knees and turned to Darcy fearfully. “Are you certain this is a normal feline?”

Her glare ensured pain and suffering should he continue to dally.

Gulping slightly, Thor lifted the bed part way from the ground and shimmied beneath the piece of furniture towards the illusive creature which may or may not be his father in an alternative form. The creature stared at him. Then backed away. With a determination born from fear, Thor wiggled his way until he was right before the creature, nearly nose-to-nose with it. “Hello father-cat. I have come to retrieve you at the behest of Lady Darcy, who has a rather frightening weapon I do not wish to face again.”

The creature shifted a little and moved even further away from Thor.

“Come now!” exclaimed Thor as he reached for the cat. “You must come from beneath the bed or else I fear Lady Darcy may cause me harm in the form of her lightening-producing weapon.”

A yelp echoed around the room a second before the entire bed was flipped over and Thor was shooting backwards as if stung. He landed on his rear with a rather loud crash. The cat in question came darting out from beneath the bed following Thor's rather ungraceful landing, jumping off of his head in the escape. Said cat was nabbed by Darcy as he came flying by. She grasped the creature by the back of his neck and proceeded to toss him into the bathroom, shutting the door quickly against the shouts and cries of indignation from the animal.

Thor gingerly reached up to touch is face, wincing when his fingers came in contact with the gashes now marring his skin. Drawing his hand back, he noted the blood that coated his finger tips, and grinned. “Your cat is a mighty warrior!”

Darcy covered her eyes with one hand and shook her head, the other tucked into the crook of her elbow. “In the spirit of saving both my sanity and life, Loki, could you please remove Frigga from my closet so Jane doesn't kill me for disfiguring her Norse boy toy?”

Loki shot Darcy a cocked eyebrow. “What exactly is a “boy toy”?”

Another sigh from Darcy. “It's a term referring to a pretty boy a girl likes to have sex with. Will you please remove Frigga from my closet? It's your and Thor's fault she's in there!”

Confusion crossed Loki's face for a moment as he examined his brother before shrugging and waving his hand. The door to the closet slid open on its own and a female yellowish-tan cat came flying from within to hang before Loki. Both cat and god stared at each other for a moment before Frigga let out a happy “mew” and extended one paw towards Loki playfully. Loki smirked. “I like you cat, you are mischievous in nature.”

“Tell me about it,” muttered Darcy. “She loves to leave little surprises like dead mice in my shoes and hide my personal items.”

Loki nodded approvingly. “You are familiar with trickery than, cat. However, I think we can improve your skills. There are a great many things I could teach you.”

“Not a chance buddy,” growled Darcy as she reached out and plucked Frigga from the air before shoving her hand in front of Loki's face. Frigga just curled into Darcy's chest and purred.

“So, how did you come up with those names?” questioned Jane mildly as she wiped the blood from Thor's face amid his objects. Cat wounds apparently stung worse than a sword strike.

“Well, when I got Odin, he kept squinting one eye at me then proceeded to chew up a foam Viking hat, so Odin just seemed like the perfect name for him,” explained Darcy. “Besides, don't you name your pets after supposedly-dead gods?”

“No,” replied Jane. “And Frigga?”

Darcy shrugged. “I already had Odin. It turned out perfectly anyway sense I forgot to get Frigga spayed or Odin neutered and they ended up with kittens. Thankfully my friend took Thor and Loki off my hands and a fellow student fell in love with Baldr.” A mischievous smile slipped a little onto Darcy's lips. “Actually, my friend has had a lot of luck with Thor and Loki. She bred them with Sif and Sigyn.”

Thor's startled outburst was halted by Jane covering his mouth firmly with her hand. Loki turned sheet white again.

“Of course, Sif and Sigyn are two of her female cats,” continued Darcy as if the little near-outburst hadn't happened. “She had the worst time breeding them with anyone else. Apparently, both Sif and Sigyn are too dominant to breed with any of the other male's she's tried but because Loki and Thor just kinda roll-over and let Sif and Sigyn do what they want, the pairing is amazing.”

Thor and Loki couldn't seem to figure out if they wanted to turn red or white, leaving their faces an odd mix of blush and pale. Loki actually started to turn a little blue. So THAT'S what a broken god looks like. Good to know. Darcy's somewhat twisted thoughts were interrupted, however, by Loki.

“How is it your friend is aware of Sif and Sigyn?” Loki asked in a near whisper. Clearly, he was more and a little disturbed.

Darcy shrugged. “Wikipedia. Where else?”

Jane actually choked a little. “You're friend chose names from Wikipedia?”

“Of course,” replied Darcy. “You can't get the right spellings for names like Vali, Fenrir, or Baldr without some kind of reference, and sense neither of us can read Norse, Wikipedia was the next best source.”

Thor looked confused. “What is this Wikipedia and how does it know of us?”

Darcy snorted slightly with laughter, but Jane cut in before Darcy could do more harm to either god. “Wikipedia is an electronic dictionary on the internet.”

“Ah, the internet!” exclaimed Thor. “That place for the thing you call porn! Correct?'

Darcy burst into laughter at that while Jane turned bright red and muttered something about screening what movies Tony was allowed to show Thor.

“What is 'porn'?” questioned Loki.

Thor shrugged. “I haven't the faintest idea. When I asked Tony after the puppets stopped singing about it, he just burst into laughter and was incapable of answering my question.”

Loki's brow furrowed and he seemed to be in deep though, which Jane decided was probably a bad thing. She was about to say something when he suddenly popped out of the room, only to pop back in a moment latter looking curious and holding a video tape in his hand. “Apparently, brother, this is what Midgardian's call 'porn'.”

Looking as curious as his brother, Thor leaned over Loki's shoulder and scrutinized the object in his  hand. “It is a plastic box?”

“I believe the significance may lay in what is contained within the box. Perhaps we must open it?” suggested Loki.

Darcy, having finally gotten her laughter more or less under control shook her head. “No, guys, er, gods, you put the tape into a VCR and the TV displays what's on the tape. Though, I don't know if you really wanna watch that. You might be okay Loki, but Thor probably won't be. It's basically a video of two people having sex.” Darcy paused beside the brothers and glanced at the tape. “In this case, two guys. Didn't know you were into that Loki.”

Turning ash-white, Loki dropped the tape as if burned and jumped as far away from the object as possible. So did Thor. Darcy had to bite her lip not to laugh. “Alright, that's enough you two. C'mon, I'll show you guys Wikipedia. You'll like that. You two can become narcissists and read about yourselves.”

Looking intrigued, both Loki and Thor proceeded to follow Darcy over to the computer her and Jane had in the corner to learn the wonders of the internet.


Five hours later....

“THAT NEVER HAPPENED!” exclaimed Loki in horror. “I NEVER slept with a horse nor was I ever pregnant!”

Thor had paled. “Nor was I ever married to Sif! She would have slaughtered me for even suggesting such a thing!”

Tony Stark blinked as he opened the door to Jane and Darcy's living quarters. Well, THAT had certainly been unexpected. Glancing around the room, he took in three distinctive points of interest. Jane and Erik were sitting at a table, looking worse for wear, with a bottle of vodka and two shot glasses between them. Thor and Loki were staring in horror at the screen of the computer in the corner of the room. And Darcy was seated at said computer, apparently torturing or provoking (Tony wasn't sure which) Thor and Loki with something on the internet. From the shouts of denial, he guessed it was their individual Wikipedia articles which Stark himself had read and felt slightly horrified over. Well, after he'd laughed his ass off.

Behind Tony, Steve was also surveying the room, except he simply shook his head in pity. Prodding Tony into the room, Steve made his way over to where Jane and Erik were sitting with their heads on the table. The bottle of vodka between them was half empty. Again, he shook his head.

“Are they still at it?” questioned Steve gently. Jane and Erik just nodded, somehow without lifting their heads or smacking their foreheads into the table.

Tony raised an eyebrow. “How long's it been?”

“Five hours,” moaned Jane.

Stark's eyebrows shot to his hairline. It hadn't taken him that long when he'd read the articles.

Erik sat up and leaned his head backwards over the chair back. “Darcy spent an hour explaining why she couldn't simply edit the articles or the book the articles are drawn from. She also had to explain that, because she can't read Norse, it's impossible for her to offer a viable re-translation. So they insisted on reading the original text after they saw the articles. Apparently, the original text misquoted a lot of things.”

“Such as?” prompted Tony.

Jane sighed. “Such as the story about Sif's hair being cut off by Loki. It was Loki, that part is true. However, apparently the whole thing started because Thor made a bet with some Celtic Goddess's daughter that she couldn't get Loki to cut off Sif's hair.”

Tony snorted. “So the big guy made a bet with some other Goddess and lost?”

“Child of a Goddess,” corrected Erik. “Apparently the girl was created by the Goddess but wasn't one herself.”

“Whatever,” shrugged off Tony. “So they're reading the original text now? How far in are they?”

Jane moaned slightly. “200 hundred pages.”

Tony nodded. “And how long was the book?”

“Books,” corrected Erik. “800 pages in original Norse.”

Steve whistled and Tony let out a sigh before dropping into one of the unoccupied chairs. “Alright, pass me a shot glass if we're going to be here a while. I need to speak to tall, blond, and bulky eventually tonight.”


Midnight...

Loki quietly swung the door to the refrigerator shut as he removed a block of cheese from the interior. He and Thor had long since finished their viewing of the original books on Norse Mythology and agreed they needed to publish a corrected version of the original. Darcy agreed to assist, though Loki suspected she was simply attempting to amass blackmail from the two brothers. Oh well, Loki could appreciate her motivation and gladly agreed her assistance was warranted.

Stepping from the kitchen to return to the guest room in which he was staying, Loki nearly jumped as two sets of reflecting lights landed on him from the back of the couch. Odin and Frigga sat silently, staring at him as he moved. Narrowing his eyes, Loki examined the cats with suspicion.

“I'm watching you,” he muttered before teleporting from the room, leaving two confused cats behind.

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