Surviving At Stanford

Chapter 14

At some random motel, I was sat on one of the beds in the room.

Sam and Dean had hidden all the knives and guns along with anything else that I could hurt myself with. I was on suicide watch, not that I blamed them for taking all of the precautions. After all, I was a step away from throwing myself off the roof of a 14 story building an hour ago. Cas had disappeared after Sam and Dean got me away from the ledge. He was going to take a lot of explaining.

Dean was currently pacing on the other side of the room while Sam was sat on one of the chairs at the small table by the window.

Suddenly, the door opened, and John came rushing in.

"John?" I spoke up.

John turned as he heard my voice and walked over. "Carrie."

I stood up from the bed as I was bundled into a hug by him.

John wrapped his arms around me and rested a hand against the back of my head as he held me close. "Oh my little girl." He gently rested his head on top of mine.

"It's okay..." I spoke softly. "I'm okay..."

John pulled away slightly, hands on my shoulders.

The beginnings of tears were in my eyes, but I fought them away. I was sick of crying, that is all I've been doing for what seems like the last two years.

-Dean's POV-

When the door opened, I knew who it was. Calling Dad earlier had been hard. But then again, any phone call that involves you having to tell someone that a person that they love has just tried to commit suicide is always going to be tough.

Seeing the pure emotion in Dad's eyes as he gathered Carrie up in his arms and held her close emphasised the love that her felt for her. There is no doubt that Dad loves Carrie as his own daughter just as much as he loves Sammy and I as his sons.

"It's okay...I'm okay..." I heard Carrie say.

I didn't believe her. Not truly. I was still trying to get my head around everything that had happened only an hour ago. I haven't said a word to her since. But what could you possibly say to someone after they try and do something like that? What approach should you take? Comforting, sympathetic, harsh? Sammy has always been better at this stuff than me. He seems to be able to just understand people and know exactly what to do in any situation to try and make them feel better. Me...well what does that say about me when my girlfriend just tried to commit suicide? The worst part is that I didn't even see the signs. When Carrie was on that rooftop, she was so broken. How was I so completely oblivious to how much she was hurting?

I was pulled out of my thoughts when Sam placed a hand on my shoulder.

He gave me a look as if to say 'I know what you're doing, stop it. Stop torturing yourself, it wasn't your fault.'

But who else's fault could it be?

Dean and John had left to go get some food from the diner down the street leaving Sam and I.

Sam had walked outside to get some books from the trunk of the Impala.

Sat on the side of my bed, I sighed.

"What were you thinkin'?" An angry voice shouted.

I jumped and was on my feet in a second, spinning round to face the voice.

"How could you be so stupid! I mean of all the stupid things to do, that is the most stupid."

I smirked with a smile as I saw who it was. I sat back down.

"And you can wipe that smirk off your face too." He stated before walking closer and sitting down next to me.

"What are you doing here, Bobby?"

"Making a house call." He stated. "I left you on the top of a building, do you really think that I wouldn't make one last trip to check to see if you were alright?"

"You shouldn't have wasted all your energy on me. This will be weakening you."

"Stop it." He scolded. "Stop making yourself the blame for everything." Bobby stated. "Me coming here was my choice, and if it weakens me, then it weakens me, simple as that. Anything is worth it to see my little girl." He smiled.

"Little?" I smirked as tears streamed down my cheeks.

Bobby smirked too before wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into the tightest hug.

I hugged him back, closing my eyes as I treasured his embrace.

"I thought you couldn't hold it two ways." I asked when he eventually pulled away.

"Carrie, I thought you were dead." He stated. "I did everything I could to get back here, and so I'm more powerful than I was." Bobby frittzed slightly. "But apparently, not as much as I had hoped."

"I'm sorry." I apologised sadly.

"For what?" He asked.

"I could have saved you." I stated. "If I'd known that exorcism than you would still be alive."

"Carrie, the reason you didn't know that exorcism, is because I didn't want you to know that exorcism. I wanted you to keep your innocence for as long as possible. Yes, I knew you were going to find out about the supernatural later. It was inevitable, but I just wanted you to be a kid and remain a kid for however long I could get it to last. And it worked."

"But Bobby, you're dead." I sniffled.

"And you're at Stanford University." He smiled. "If you had of found out about the supernatural when you first met me, John and the boys, do you really think you would have kept in at school and continued to get the grades that you did? Or would you have took Dean's path and choose hunting over it? Because I know you enjoy it."

"Is that bad?" I asked.

"No." Bobby shook his head. "Everyone enjoys it."

"Sam doesn't." I stated.

"Sam is different though. He was only 6 months old when Mary died. Dean was older when everything happened and had obviously known his Mom which meant that like his Dad, he did want to find the SOB that had killed her. Although he didn't start hunting straight away, the kid made his first sawn off when he was in the sixth grade." I paused. "Sam...he grew up in a family that was grieving for someone that he had no memory of, and I think that's what upset Sam the most. Neither John or Dean really wanted to talk about her which meant that he just had to go through his childhood knowing that he did have a Mom but she died when he was a baby and only knowing what she looked like because of the odd picture that John had. He didn't have the connection to Mary which meant that when he got older, he was more reluctant to hunt. John would tell him that it was for his Mother, but Sam didn't know what they meant because he couldn't remember her. He was fighting someone elses vendetta and he didn't want to. Sam's always been more of a scholar than a hunter. He enjoyed going to school, unlike Dean and always had his nose in a book. The kid hated hunting, but he was damn good at research. He put his academics talents to good use when getting intel for a hunt, but John was still pissed about his attitude towards hunting and then everything spiralled from there."

"You would be glad that you weren't there for that argument." I sighed. "It wasn't pretty."

"John was a stupid son of a bitch." Bobby stated.

"Sam's always talking about times when you showed him how to do stuff." I explained.

"The kid actually listened to me because I would actually talk to him, instead of just barking orders at him like John did."

For a few seconds, we were silent.

I eventually spoke up. "He misses you, Bobby."

The sound of the door opening caused Bobby to disappear.

I turned to the door to see Sam walking in.

"Carrie...who are you talking to?" He asked with a confused expression.

"Emm..." I tried to think of something on the spot. Unsuccessful, I sighed. "Would you believe me if I said...Bobby?"

Sam sighed. "Carrie..."

"I'm not making it up. Bobby came to me on the roof and he came back to see if I was alright." I stated. "Come on, it's something the old coot would do."

"Carrie...please..." Sam sighed once again.

"When you were little, you felt isolated because you didn't have any memories of your Mom." I spurted.

"What?" Sam's eyes were wide now as he began to shake his head. "No...he's dead."

"Sam...we hunt the supernatural. How many ghosts have we encountered? Why couldn't one of them be Bobby?"

"Because nothing ever happens like for us." I could swear Sam had the beginnings of tears in his eyes.

"Anytime you wanna' make an appearance..." I growled in a whispered under my breath as I glanced around.

It was then that a figure fritzed beside me and Bobby appeared.

"Bobby..." Sam spoke slowly in shock, dropping the book that he had been holding.

"Hi, Sam." Bobby smiled. "I don't have long."

"What do you mean?" Sam asked.

"Being here weakens him." I explained.

"But Dean, he'll want to see you too. He won't be long." Sam stated, looking back at the door.

"Sam, I can't stay." He sighed. "But I want you to know that I am so proud of you. And tell your brother that I'm proud of him too."

Sam nodded tearfully.

"And look after your sister, she needs you right now." Bobby stated.

"Don't worry, I will." He smiled softly.

Bobby then turned to me, fritzzing badly now. "My little girl." He smiled. "I love you." Bobby disappeared.

"No." I shook my head. "No! Bobby!" I turned to Sam.

He looked broken.

Slowly walking over to him, I smiled reassuringly at him with a soft smile before wrapping my arms around him against resting my head against his chest.

-Third Person POV-

"What are we supposed to do here?" Dean asked with a sigh.

"She needs help, but we told her on that roof that we wouldn't make her see a therapist again."

"We can't make her go."

"We could, she'd just never speak to us again." Sam lowered his head and took a breath. "We can't deal with this by ourselves, Dean. I mean, I tried, and we still ended up on that roof. And if there is a next time..." He paused.

Dean looked at him. "Don't." His voice was weak.

"Dean..." Sam began.

"There's not gonna' be a next time!" Dean shouted.

"Dean, Carrie is depressed. Like seriously depressed. Depressed up to the point where she was a step away from throwing herself off the roof of the apartment building last night. All I'm saying, is that if there is a next time, it might not be so easy to pull her back from the edge."

"So what, you're just gonna' dump her off at some mental hospital?!" Dean shouted. "Stop talking about her as if she's something that needs fixed, Sam! Yes, she's depressed, but ditching her with some therapist isn't gonna' help anything! It's only gonna' make her think that we're abandoning her." He paused. "If you think I am going to leave my girlfriend to deal with this by herself, then you are so wrong."

"How dare you!" Sam shouted. "She is my friend too, Dean, and I have been there for her through everything when you haven't. Christmas Day when she was crying on the bench outside the flat, New Years Eve, when she was being bullied, the time that you two spent apart after you dumped her when she was refusing to eat, hardly talking and barely sleeping, Wolfe's memorial when I found her sobbing in the graveyard, the time Jess found her in her friend's garden bleeding because someone had punched her and drunk because she had decided to drink away her feelings, having to arrange a therapist appointment and how scared she was when I collapsed." He listed. "You can say what you want about me, but don't you dare think that there is anything I wouldn't do for her!" Sam growled. "She is not just your girlfriend! Carrie is my best friend, and she's our sister! You are not the only one that's scared about losing her!"

"You done?" Dean asked before he turned around and started walking off.

"Dean...come on..." Sam sighed.

He stopped, scoffing as he shook his head before he spun round and landed a punch across Sam's face.

The force caused Sam to fall to the ground.

Dean walked off.

Walking back into the room, John was sat at the table while Carrie was sat on her bed.

Sam walked past them into the bathroom.

"Sam?" Carrie called before she walked to the door of the bathroom.

Sam leant against the sink and turned on the tap before cupping his hands under the flow and splashing it on his face, wincing slightly as the cold water hit the sight of Dean's punch.

"What happened to your face?" She asked, noticing the beginnings of a large bruise around Sam's eye.

"It's fine, Carrie. Just a misunderstanding, that's all."

"A misunderstanding?" She furrowed an eyebrow.

"Yeah." Sam picked up the towel and dried his face before walking back into the bedroom and over to his duffel. Shrugging out of his shirt, he put a blue plaid one on its place. "I need to find Dean." He stated.

John stood up and walked to the door standing in front of it. "I'll find, Dean. You stay here."

Sam shook his head. "Me and him need to talk some stuff through." He explained softly. "Trust me, this is best." He smiled slightly before walking round John and leaving the motel room.

-Sam's POV-

Walking into the bar that I knew Dean would be in, I walked inside and made my over to the bar at the far side. Instantly spotting my brother, I sat down on the stool next to him.

I heard Dean sigh.

"Whiskey, please." I ordered.

I was gonna' need it.

"What happened to your face?" The bartender asked with a furrowed eyebrow.

"That would be me." Dean spoke up before turning to look at me. "Come to add some more things to list of why I'm a crap boyfriend?" He asked before downing a shot.

"You're not a crap boyfriend. I stated, before noticing the other empty shot glasses. "But you should probably lay off the shots." I smiled.

Just cause' I'm the younger brother doesn't mean I can't be protective.

"So you are two?" The bartender asked as he walked over and placed my whiskey down on the bar, motioning with a finger between Dean and I as he did.

"No!" We answered in unison.

"He's my brother." I stated.

"Can't blame a guy for askin'." The bartender walked off.

"Anyway...No, that's not why I came. I'm here to say I'm sorry." I apologised. "I shouldn't have said what I said."

Dean sighed. "Sorry for punching you."

"Meh, I probably deserved it." I shrugged with a smile. "You're not a crap boyfriend." I stated.

He scoffed. "Yeah right. How many good boyfriend's girlfriends do you see threatening to commit suicide? It sort of says something about a person."

"Carrie's not thinking straight right now. She needs her boyfriend, Dean." I stated. "She needs someone who she can open up to. I mean, she used to back at Bobby's. She would always come to you. You were the only one that she would really open up to apart from Bobby." I paused.

"I think we're a little past that right now, don't you?" Dean scoffed.

"The reason the therapy didn't work was because she wouldn't open up. She needs to talk about how she's feeling and you're the only one she's gonna' fully open up to." I stated. "You need to talk to her. I mean, the two of you could barely function without each other when you had broken up, and she's clearly scared to lose you again."

Dean sighed.

"I also need to tell you something." I began gently. "I called Carrie's English tutor. Apparently she talked to Carrie a while back about how the other students were treating her. Apparently they were making jokes about her being an orphan."

Dean's heart sank.

"Ruth wanted to report the ones who were bullying her to the board but Carrie said that she didn't want them to lose their places because of her." I answered. "She was scared of them."

"Well yeah, they were bullying her." Dean stated.

"Dean, she's a hunter. Carrie's not scared of anything easily. For her to be scared, then they must have really gotten to her." I stated. "They must have made her believe that she was never going to be good enough to be accepted, despite what she did, just because she was an orphan."

"What am I supposed to do here, Sam?" Dean asked with a sigh.

"Like I said, just try talking to her." I smiled reassuringly.

-Dean's POV-

Walking into the motel, I saw Dad sat at the table.

He turned to me with an expression that told me that he knew Sam and I had been arguing.

"Now that you're back, I need to go and find a grave." He stated.

"You're going on a hunt?" I asked.

"Merely curiosity." Dad smiled before walkin out the motel room.

Carrie was sat on her bed.

I walked over. "Room for one more?"

She nodded and shuffled along on the bed.

I sat down next to her.

"How long am I going to be on suicide watch?" She asked. "One of you doesn't have to stay with me in the motel every minute of the day, you can just go out and leve me."

"Why don't you answer that question." I spoke softly. "How long do you have to be on suicide watch for?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" She asked.

"It means that we're worried about you and you really scared us last night." I explained.

"I wouldn't be surprised if you hated me." Carrie stated with a quiet laugh that faded quickly.

"Carrie..." I began in a soft tone as I put a hand on her shoulder.

She turned to face me as I put my hands on her cheek and pressed a kiss to her lips. After a few seconds, I pulled away.

"I could never hate you." I smiled reassuringly before that faded too. "Why did you...What was so bad that it made you consider doing..." I paused. "That?"

She shrugged, lowering her head.

"Hey..." I spoke softly as I took her hand in mine. "You can talk to me."

She still didn't say anything.

"Please..." My tone was soft.

"I just couldn't handle it anymore." Carrie finally answered.

"Couldn't handle what?" I asked.

"Everything." A tear trickled down her cheek.

"Hey..." I pulled her against my side as I wrapped an arm around her and began to gently stroke her hair.

"I'm sorry." Tears were freely flowing now.

"Hey..." I cood. "Shh, shh, shh..." I tightened my embrace. "It's okay, it's okay..."

"I was so stupid. I shouldn't have done what I did, it wasn't fair on you." She apologised.

"You don't have to apologise for anything, Carrie. None of this is your fault. If anything, it's mine. I've clearly not been looking after you as much as I should have. If I had been, I would have noticed that you were upset and helped you. Then you wouldn't have felt that...that was the only way." I paused. "I just have one question."

"Dean..." Carrie sighed.

"Just one." I paused once again. "Why Carrie? I mean you got into a fight in class. You don't pick fights, you never have. You have be really pissed before you flip. What's changed?" I looked at her. "I've been looking online..."

I could hear her sigh again.

"Anger and rage are brought on by a mixture of grief, fear and insecurity." I explained.

"Dean, none of this is your fault." She stated.

"Your depression, it started after I dumped you?"

Carrie sighed before reluctantly nodding in reply. "Dean, shit happened in my before you even dumped me."

"That's an excuse, Carrie. Me breaking up with you, it caused it." Tears were trickling down my cheeks now as well as hers. "It made you feel like you weren't good enough. Like you've never been good enough for me!" I quickly wiped away another tear before burying my head in my hands for a second. "Why would you think that?" I asked. "I mean, it's me. It's not like we aren't as equally fucked up because of the amount of stuff that has happened to us both over the years." I stated. "Me?" I spoke sadly as I shook my head in disbelief. "Not good enough for me. Carrie, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me outside of Sam." I explained. "And I want you to see that."

"Like you said, Dean, I'm scared." She paused. "I'm scared that if I do something wrong, then you're gonna' leave me again." Her voice was filled with emotion. "And I can't..." She shook her head as tears poured down her cheeks. "I can't go through that again..." Carrie broke down.

My heart ached as she said that. "Carrie..."

"I'm sorry..."

"Come here." I pulled her into a hug again. "I will never leave you..." I stated. "Okay?" I paused. "I will never leave you ever again." I pressed a kiss to her head, holding it for a few seconds. "I love you, Carrie."

"I love you, Dean."

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