Stockholm, Why Do I Love You When I Hate You
Spencer Reid woke up in the same way he did every morning. He didn't register anything different, anything unusual. He made his coffee, cooked a quick breakfast of oatmeal, took his shower then got an assortment of books down to occupy his time. He had online classes in an hour but that was nothing new. It wasn't till he finally looked over at the box that was sitting by the door that he felt something was wrong.
Spencer picked up the box and took it to the bed and opened it. Inside was a set of clothes, which he frowned at. You see Spencer has spent the last twenty years of his life, naked. His whole world was in this 700 sq. ft. open plan apartment. Seeing those clothes made him really look around now. First he looked under the bed and saw that the restraints were gone. The chain that hung from the ceiling was gone. He moved to the dresser that mostly only held miscellaneous items and toys. Sex toys. Ones he wasn't allowed to touch when he was alone. He opened all the drawers and everything in there was gone. Even the blindfolds and handcuffs.
He cautiously moved to the door and turned the handle and much to his surprise the door opened. His eyes widened as he backed away from the door in utter fear. He could feel the panic attack coming as he stumbled behind him and landed on the bed. He put his head between his knees and tried to breath deep.
The coffee maker went off and Spencer stood on shaky legs he went to the tiny kitchen and poured himself some coffee. His hands were shaking so bad that he thought that maybe he splashed more on the floor that what he got in his mouth.
I'm free? Why? Why after 20 years am I free? His thoughts were a whirling mess. Did he want to be free? Could he go back to his old life? What would he do now? Slowly he walked back to the bed and looked further in the box. There was a cell phone with several numbes already programmed, an envelope with a large amount of cash, a key with an address that had been attached to it and a note. It was a simple note, typed not written so he couldn't analyze the writing. Good Luck, Spencer. Know that I always loved you. Was all that was written on the note.
His heart was pounding as he picked-up the boxers and slipped them on. Then the t-shirt, fitted soft white cotton. He picked up the trousers and thought of the last time he wore them. It was the day he was kidnapped. He had been ordered to strip and to push the clothes through the slot. He wasn't afraid then, wasn't broken and he had refused. He held out for several days, but when he noticed that no food was being given he was desperate, so he gave in. From that moment on he was naked twenty-four seven. However he was allowed a wrap-around blanket in the winter at least.
The first time the blindfold was given to him he again refused to put it on. When coffee and food were both withheld he again gave-in and put it on. The night that he put it on was the first night his kidnapper fucked him. He had put the blindfold on then he heard someone come into the little apartment. He heard rustling then he felt hands on him. He wanted to panic, wanted to flee but he didn't, he was frozen to his spot because he wasn't sure what the punishment would have been. His kidnapper used some kind of voice modulator, and he was ordered on the bed. His arms were pulled above his head and restrained. He was told to lift his hips and a firm pillow was placed underneath then his legs were bent and restrained as well. While he expected the rape, what he got was someone who cherished his body from top to bottom. He didn't want to feel taken care of but he was. When the man finally took him it wasn't violent like he expected and he cried. He begged to be let go, begged for this to stop and when his body betrayed him that first time and he orgasmed when the man had taken him in hand he brokenly sobbed.
He was carefully cleaned, the restraints taken off him and a glass of water was left for him on the side of his bed. All he did for the whole night was curl up into himself and sob. Spencer cursed the hell he found himself in. The first few weeks he tried everything to escape but there was no way out. The windows were barred and the door had some kind of extra locks on the outside. He had tried to figure out how to pick those locks but after weeks of trying he gave up.
The blindfold was delivered every day at the same time and the man came every night to use his body. Sometimes it was a quick screw and the man was gone, sometimes it was all night. Toys were slowly introduced. Butt plugs, violet wands, nipple clamps, masturbation sleeve and others. He wasn't allowed to use any when he was alone, he found that out the hard way. But the strangest nights were those when they would just talk. Spencer wasn't allowed to take off the blindfold and the man would keep the modulator on but they would talk about anything and everything.
One day he asked if he could have some books. The man brought him a laptop and opened a Barnes and Noble account for him and gave him a generous allowance. The man also let him go to school online, as long as they weren't classes with video. Spencer added a few more degrees to his already impressive resume. These things made Spencer conflicted. These caring things had made him fall in love with the man. But he also hated him too. Hated him for keeping him locked-up, for the nightly rape, for treating him like a sex slave. But Spencer didn't know where he went wrong himself. When his own body had started to crave the one that used his, those hands that gipped him and sometimes left bruises. He craved that mouth on him sucking him, biting and kissing him. He would sometimes weep at night for his own conflicted feelings. He knew what it was, he knew it was a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome he just didn't know what to do about it.
Now, twenty years, twenty years later he was being let go. He finished dressing as he took the money and put it in one of his pockets. He looked in the box again and there was a travel mug which he filled with coffee. He turned off the coffee pot, checked the fridge and noticed all the rest of the food was gone except for a breakfast sandwich. He reheated that quickly and wrapped it in a paper towel. When he walked towards the door he saw it, something he hadn't touched, hadn't had access to in twenty years.
His messenger bag.
His heart stopped.
Time itself seemed to stop as he started at that bag.
Slowly he picked it up and slung it over his shoulder.
And wept. He hadn't felt the weight in so long. He was paralyzed in fear as he stood in front of that door that had been locked for so long. Slowly he reached out and turned the knob again and the door swung open. Spencer raised his eyebrows and knew this wasn't a joke. He was being freed. He looked back and the only thing he mourned was his books. It wasn't enough though, not enough to keep him there. So, on shaky legs he stepped out of the small apartment, down the stairs, and out the front door. He was practically blinded by the sun that hit his eyes. He reached into his bag to see if his sunglasses were still there and they were. Holding them for a moment he put them on. Not knowing where to go he pulled out the phone and looked down at it. He scrolled through the names and his heart clutched again. They were all people he knew but one name stood out amongst the others. His hand was still shaking when he tapped on the number and held the phone to his ear.
"This is Jennifer," The sweet voice nearly broke Spencer where he was. He practically keened into the phone.
"J-J-Jayje?" He said so softly that she almost missed it.
"Who is this?" She asked into the phone.
"JJ," Spencer's let tears stream from his eyes, "JJ it's me, oh god JJ it's me," He felt the panic attack coming on him.
"Spencer?" Her voice barely above a whisper, she couldn't believe what she was hearing, "Spencer is that you?" Her breath was shallow and Spencer could hear tears falling.
"I need help JJ, please, p-p-p-please help me,"
"Do you know where you are?"
Spencer stepped away from the apartment building, then looked for a street name, he quickly gave her the address and she said she would be there as soon as she could.
Spencer sat on the steps to the building and waited.
When a car pulled up and a pretty blonde woman jumped out and ran towards him his heart stopped as he looked into wide blue eyes he hadn't seen in too many years to count.
"Oh my god, Spencer," She flew at him as he stood up. His arms came around her and they both broke down in each other's arms. Will had slowly gotten out of the car and walked over to the two who were wrapped in each other.
"Spencer," The Cajun couldn't believe his eyes. Spencer pulled away from the blonde and wrapped himself around Will. Strong arms came around the ex-captive and held him tight. They knew they were drawing stares from those around them but the three of them didn't care.
"What the hell happened to you Spencer, where have you been?" JJ looked almost wild.
"I was here," He pointed to the apartment building and they both looked at him like he was crazy. "I can show you," He didn't really want to go back-up there but he needed them to believe him.
Slowly they made their way back to the apartment that Spencer had spent the last twenty years of his life in. When they saw the locks and the bars on the windows both JJ and Will were fuming with anger.
"Please can we just get out of here?" Spencer pleaded, he didn't want to be in this room anymore.
"Of course, come on sweetheart," JJ grabbed his hand, noticing he wasn't touch phobic.
"Wait a miniute cher," Will stopped them at the door, "Don' you want y' clothes Spencer?"
He ducked his head and blushed deeply, "I, I," His breath became shallow as he tried to talk, "I don't have any," Shame filled him and he didn't want to look his friends in the eye.
"You don't have any clothes?" Will looked at him incredulous. Spencer just gave a little shake of his head.
JJ saw Will was going to ask more questions but she gave a shake of her head to say no.
"Do you want your books Spencer?" JJ had already deduced that all the books in the room were his.
"I only have the one box," He showed them the box that the man had left the things in for him.
"Why don' you go to de' car cher and we'll take care of it," Will could see the trauma starting to set in and he thought it might be better for Spencer to get out of this place.
Spencer took the offered keys and went down to JJ and Will's car. He got in the back and curled his long legs under him. A few minutes later they were coming out with a couple of boxes and someone behind them who was carrying two more. They loaded them up in the trunk, Will said thanks for the help and they drove off. Spencer didn't ask where the boxes came from, he didn't really care. All of a sudden everything seemed too big and too much. He was shutting down, closing himself off he didn't even want to look outside, it was too much.
When they got to JJ's house she took Spencer inside and showed him a room he could stay in. Immediately when the door closed behind him he stripped, then went to the bed, curled up and cried.
When evening came JJ brought him some food and noticed that Spencer had taken off all his clothes. She didn't say anything, she knew this was going to take time.
"I brought you some soup and a sandwich, " She placed it on the table and went to sit next to him on the bed. "Spencer, you know you're safe here, right?"
"I know," His voice quiet, barely above a whisper.
"Can you tell me what happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it JJ," He looked up at her with misery in his eyes.
"Okay, okay Spencer you don't have to do anything you don't want to do," She tentatively reached out and brushed back his hair from his face.
"I'm broken Jayje," He said quietly before he turned around and curled in on himself, closing off once again.
JJ sighed as she left him alone knowing he was going to need time.
After she was gone he slowly got up off the bed and went to go eat. After he was done he looked through his boxes of books and chose a few to read. When it was the normal time for the blindfold and none came he started to fully panic. The reality of his new situation hit him as he looked around the room, wild eyed. It wasn't until he saw his tie and grabbed it putting it on did he finally settle. Crawling back into bed he curled up into himself once again.
He started to weep when no one came. No hands stroking him, touching him in the most intimate of ways. The man wasn't there to talk to him, caress his hair, or stroke him. His body responded to the thoughts in his head and he cried even harder when he got hard. Almost painfully hard. He reached down and took his erection in his hand and stroked furiously. He was almost frantic in his motions and all too soon he was coming in his hand.
Slowly taking the tie off he stood and stumbled into the ensuite bathroom and scrubbed his hands practically raw. He looked at the shower and turned it on as hot as he could stand it. He sat down and pulled his legs up to his chest he wrapped his arms around his legs and stayed there for a long time.
JJ came in to check on her friend and when she found him in the shower it broke her heart. She reached up and turned off the water, grabbed a towel and coaxed him out. Gently drying him off she steered him back to bed. It worried her that he didn't say a word. He kept the towel around himself and crawled back into bed.
JJ sat with him for a while, stroking his hair and whispering that things would get better. When his breathing evened out and it looked like he was finally asleep JJ left with a heavy heart wondering if they would ever be able to put Spencer back together.
Twenty years prior
"Hotch," Morgan yelled as he ran into the BAU conference room, "Spencer's gone."
"What do you mean Spencer is gone?" Aaron surged out of the chair he was in.
"I went to his apartment like you asked and he's not there. I went and checked all of his normal hangouts and no one has seen him all weekend," Morgan was worried, this wasn't like Spencer.
"Alright, let's get an APB out and try to backtrack his movements over the weekend. Morgan take JJ and go back through his apartment and see if there are any clues to his disappearance. Dave and Prentiss I want you guys to go to the park and talk to the people he plays chess with. He goes to this park," Aaron wrote down an address and handed it to Dave. "There is a group of young teenagers he teaches every Sunday, talk to them, see if they know where he might have gone." Aaron was trying to keep his emotions under control as they started the search for his boyfriend. Aaron had planned a weekend camping trip with Jack and Spencer had declined to go. Normally they would have been together, having planned out something for Jack, then for themselves. Spencer hated camping so he kissed Aaron goodbye on Friday afternoon and Aaron went out and had a weekend with his son.
"Aaron, you going to be okay?" Dave asked as he put a hand on Aaron's arm.
"We were just starting Dave. I can't lose someone else, I just can't," He was frantic at the thought of Spencer being taken from him.
"Okay, you need to calm down. We'll find him," Dave reassured his friend.
Aaron closed his eyes and tried to tamp down on his emotions while the team went out on their various assignments.
Three hours later and there was no word. Aaron was pacing his office, trying to keep the worry down. When his phone rang he answered harsher than he meant to.
"Hotchner," He practically growled into the phone.
"Mr. Aaron Hotchner?"
"Yes," His impatience coming through.
"I have you down as an emergency contact for a Dr. Spencer Reid. Is this correct?"
"Yes it is, now can you tell me what is going on?"
"Sir my name is Nancy and I'm calling from Potomac Hospital, Dr. Reid was brought into us about five hours ago. I'm sorry it took so long to get a hold of you but we we're having trouble identifying him. Sir Dr. Reid was the victim of a mugging. He has a broken arm, two cracked ribs and bruising all over his body. We need you to come down right away."
"I'll be there as soon as I can," Aaron texted the team that Spencer was at the hospital as he himself rushed there. When he was able to finally see Spencer he was shocked. His face was swollen with two black eyes, broken arm and his bad leg was also elevated.
"Spencer," Aaron's heart stopped in his chest. He couldn't believe his beautiful genius looked like this.
"Aaron," Spencer tried to smile, tried to reach out but everything hurt.
"What the hell happened?" Aaron rushed to his side, as he grabbed the younger man's hand in his own.
"Walking home, three guys," Spencer coughed because his throat was dry. Aaron poured some water in a cup and placing a straw in his mouth let Spencer take a few sips. "I gave them my money, but they just kept kicking. I finally got my gun out, shot one, the others ran. That's all I remember before waking-up and seeing you," Aaron took his hand again, holding it giving comfort.
"You should have gone with us like I asked Spence," Aaron had wanted Spencer to on the camping trip with them. He hadn't pushed Spencer, but he wanted to move their relationship along. He wanted to be more alone with the genius, it would have been perfect. Spencer was still shy with him and Aaron had hoped Spencer would start to open up more. They hadn't gotten passed cuddling in bed, but for now it had been enough for Aaron. The physical intimacy would come in time.
"I know," Spencer swallowed, "I'm sorry," He started to apologize but Aaron would hear none of it.
"This wasn't you're fault, never think this was your fault," Aaron's voice was hard and held Spencer's hand.
"Aaron, I'll be fine," Spencer was worried by the dark look that came over his boyfriend's face.
"I can't lose you Spencer. I can't," Aaron let the tears he was holding back fall.
"You're not going to lose me Aaron, I promise," Spencer was about to say more when the rest of the team piled into the room. After that whatever the couple was going to talk about was lost.
Spencer was released a week later. The hospital wanted to make sure he could stand on his own. Aaron insisted that he stay at his apartment where he could care for the young genius. Spencer agreed. He knew with his blown knee that he wasn't going to be able to take the stairs at his place.
It was several weeks before he was officially cleared to go back to work, but before he did he wanted to go see his mother for a few days. It was when he got back that everything went to hell.
He had been sedated for three days. When he woke-up, it was in a small open plan apartment. Spencer slowly got up off the bed and checked for exits. The windows were all barred but he could open them from the inside. When he checked them they were re-enforced steel. Spencer couldn't tell how far they sank into the building. Stepping back he checked the door and it was locked. He tried all of his lock picking skills and nothing happened.
"Hello," He called out, but no one answered. "What's going on here? Why have you taken me?" Still no one answered, however the phone by the bedside rang. Spencer practically jumped on it.
"Hello Spencer. You're probably wondering what is going on," A modulated voice said over the phone.
"Let me out of here," Spencer growled into the phone.
"I'm sorry, I can't do that. I make you a promise Spencer. I will never drug you. I will never strike you," The voice told him.
"What do you want from me?" Spencer cried out over the phone.
"To cherish you, to keep you safe, always," The voice was almost soft, loving even and set Spencer's nerves were on edge.
"So you lock me up?" Spencer yelled into the phone, "My team will be looking for me."
"No they won't Spencer. They think you have moved back to Vegas to be nearer to your mother. That the attack you suffered hurt you more than they thought at first. Your knee is blown and even with the repairs it will never let you in the field again," The voice was too calm and measured, the man had thought about this too long and planned too well.
"They won't believe you. What if they go out to Vegas looking for me?" Spencer questioned the man, he tried to use all his profiling skills.
"Don't worry Spencer, you don't have anything to worry about anymore. In the desk are pads of paper and envelopes. You can still write your mother." The voice took a long deep breath, "By 6:30 you are to take off all of your clothes and push them through the slot."
"No," Spencer's voice was hard.
"That is not a request Spencer, it's an order," The voice became harder. "Like I said I won't ever strike you, but there are other punishments." The voice went quiet and it took Spencer a while to figure out that they had hung up.
Spencer threw the phone across room, "FUUUUUCCCKKK," He screamed.
That was the beginning of a long twenty years.
Spencer woke-up in a sweat. He hadn't had a nightmare in years. He pulled his legs up to his chest and laid his head on his knees. He felt lost, he may have been let out of the apartment, but he didn't truly feel free.
He heard a knock at the door and JJ's voice letting him know it was her at the door.
"Come in," He didn't move from his position as she came into the room. She frowned when she saw the clothes strewn and the tie on the bed. She didn't say anything, which Spencer was grateful for.
"Hey Spence," She walked towards him and sat down on the bed, "I called Morgan, Prentiss and Dave. They all want to see you," She reached out to hold his hand, but he pulled back.
"I can't JJ. Not yet anyway," He pulled tighter into himself, everything was confusing, he wished his captor had never let him go. He was used to his life there, used to the man coming to him. Last night was the first night he didn't feel that touch, that mouth, and that cock slide into him. He closed his eyes tight against the flood of memories and emotions.
"Spence-" JJ tried to keep her emotions down but he could tell she was struggling. She didn't know how to help him. She thought that maybe she was in over her head on this one.
"You didn't mention Aaron. Where is he JJ?" Spencer lifted his head, hopeful.
JJ thinned her mouth and closed her eyes, "When we realized you really weren't in Vegas, it had been a few years. He kept looking for you, he took over for Erin Strauss, long story," JJ said as Spencer looked up at her and quirked up a brow. "About ten years ago he retired. The constant searches from Garcia, the false leads, the few times that we thought we had found you it took it's toll on him Spencer. He took Jack and he too disappeared."
"And Garcia?" He looked down at his fidgeting hands, nervous because his routine had been broken.
"She and Sam got married. After Aaron left the bureau, she left too. She couldn't take seeing us all leave anymore. Morgan was Unit Chief for a while, Dave truly retired just after Aaron. I left after I had my second baby. You have a goddaughter. Will didn't even fight me on that," JJ choked-up. She so wanted to grab her friend and hold onto him, but she could see the trauma on him.
"Are you ready to talk about what happened Spence?" She kept her voice calm, but she was anything but calm inside.
"I don't want to talk about it." He looked up into those deep blue eyes, into the woman who had been so important to him at one time and wanted to cry for the lost time. He didn't though, he buried those feelings deep inside himself and put a tight lid vowing never to open that lid.
"Okay, well here's some clothes," She put a few things on the bed for him. He was a little taller than Will but their builds were similar, "Are you hungry?"
"Yes," He slowly stretched out from his position and tentatively reached for the clothes.
"Okay, I'll let you get dressed," It worried her as she approached the door that Spencer had only given her short one or two word answers. Not once did he spout off any strange or useless facts. But, she also knew long-term captivity irrevocably changed a person.
Spencer put on the sweats and t-shirt JJ had given him, then he slowly started to make his way out the door. He paused a moment to grab the laptop and the key with the address. He needed to know what that key was to. When he walked out and into the kitchen he stood there for a minute, confused.
"Spence?" JJ's voice was full of concern.
"I always make my breakfast," He looked up at and all she saw was a lost child.
"Do you mind if I made it for you?" She handed him a cup of coffee which he took. He sipped it and it was surprisingly just like he liked it. Looking down at it he stared.
"You remembered," His voice barely above a whisper.
"Well, I don't have a eidetic memory or anything but I do remember how you used to like your coffee," She teased and was rewarded with a shy smile.
"Do you still like pancakes?" She was pouring batter into a pan.
"Yes. Thank you," He still felt strange, unsure. He felt he should be punished because someone else was doing one of his chores.
"You can plug in your laptop here," She pointed to a bank of outlets that were right under the breakfast bar. Plugging in his computer he opened it and went about one of his routines. It settled him just a little. He checked his e-mail and when there was no correspondence with the man who would normally e-mail him throughout the day he wanted to cry. It's like the man completely disappeared from his life.
"I have classes today, I hope that's okay?" He looked up over the computer screen as he waited for JJ.
"Spencer, you don't have to ask if it's okay. You can do whatever it is you want," She saw he was having a hard time understanding and when she turned back to the stove there were fresh tears in her eyes.
"Thank you," He felt even more awkward than he ever has in his whole life.
JJ didn't say anything to him as she served him breakfast and poured him a fresh cup of coffee. He felt like he should say something but he just didn't know what to say. He went back to his computer, browsing his favorite websites, reading some articles then finally he got the courage to look up the address on the key.
What he found surprised him. He had typed in the address and it was a small house. Confused he pushed the computer away and reached for his food. Slowly he ate and stared at the picture of the house. He just didn't understand but he felt he needed to go there, to see what this was all about.
"JJ," He called out for her some slight excitement in his voice.
The blonde immediately came to his side wondering what had put excitement in his voice.
"Did you need something Spencer?" JJ smiled softly at him.
"Can you take me here?" Spencer pointed to the house on the screen.
"Um, sure, but why do you need to go there?" JJ looked confused till he held up a key.
"I think I need to go there," He ran a hand down the picture and closed his eyes a moment.
"Are you sure Spence? You don't think this is some kind of game or trap for you?" JJ was worried this was just some elaborate scheme of his captor.
"I have to go JJ. I have to find out," He had a frantic look on his face.
"Okay, okay, we'll go." She frowned at how vehement he was about this but at least she would be with him this time. She was tempted to call Morgan but she didn't think Spencer would appreciate it right at the moment.
A couple of hours later and they were leaving the house. Spencer had changed into the clothes from the day before and he was nervously shaking his leg as JJ drove him to the address. As soon as she parked he practically flew out of the car and stopped dead in his tracks. There in the driveway was his old Volvo Amazon. Slowly he walked up to it and peeked inside. It had be lovingly and thoroughly restored. He backed away from it and made his way up to the house. Taking the key out of his pocket he slid it into the lock and turned. The tumbler fell and the lock clicked open. Spencer grabbed the handle and opened. He was breathing hard as he stood there on the threshold, expecting, he wasn't sure what.
Finally after debating with himself for a long time he walked inside. JJ quickly was by his side, she was not going to lose sight of him again.
He walked to a small room that looked to be a den and there on the shelves were all his books from his apartment as well as the couch and chair form his living room. He moved off and went into what looked like a living room. Here there was newer furniture, but definitely in the style he preferred. On the walls were pictures of the team, Jack, Henry and his mom. He saw there was a short hallway which he walked down to see a large bathroom on the right and a bedroom on the left. Taking tentative steps into the bedroom he saw all his bedroom furniture from his apartment was there. He slowly opened the closet only to see all of his old clothes.
He backed away from that and fell to the bed staring. He wasn't sure what the hell was going on. When he looked over to the nightstand there was an envelope with his name written on it.
Again it was typed so he couldn't analyze the handwriting. JJ had come into the bedroom and saw all of Spencer's old things, which gave her pause.
"Spencer how-" She was going to say more but she saw him reading the letter. She backed out of the room to give him some privacy.
Spencer clutched the letter tightly in his hands as he read.
I don't think words can express how sorry I am for what I've done to you. I know that no explanations will be good enough, nothing will ever be good enough for you. I know I've hurt you, broken you and it was never my intention. I only wanted you safe but I lost myself and I did the worst thing someone could do. I can't ever give you back those years but I hope this gift will give you back a sense of yourself. I know you will never forgive me, I can never forgive myself.
Just know, and I'm not sure that you'll even believe me, but I loved you, I still love you and in my moment of pure rational thought I realized I needed to let you go. I know you'll try to find out who I am and I'll be ready for you when you do come to me. I'll be ready if you want to press charges and have me taken to prison, it's no less than I deserve. I'll also be ready if you want to kill me. It's also no less than I deserve.
I'll be waiting and I'll be ready for whatever you decide that my fate shall be.
This house is my gift to you. It's yours free and clear. Do with it what you will.
A clue to my identity is in this house. Find me.
I have always and will always love you.
Spencer didn't know when the tears started but they had. JJ found him like that when he didn't come out of the room for over an hour.
"Spence?" She looked in on him to see how he was doing and noticed him crying. Sitting down next to him, not sure what she could do she takes his hand in her's, letting him dictate what he wants to do.
He flung his arms around her and held her close. The breakdown he knew was coming hit him hard as he held onto the woman he once called best friend. JJ wrapped her arms around Spencer and let him cry.
After what seemed like a long time Spencer pulled back from JJ. He went into the bathroom, locked the door and splashed cool water on his face. He stood there looking at himself in the mirror. Several things clicked in his mind. He took a deep breath, walked back out of the bathroom and made the first real decision that was all his own in over twenty years.
"JJ," He stood tall as he looked at her still pretty face, "I'm going to stay here. Thank you and thank Will for me. I know you want to try to take care of me, but I need to do this on my own."
"Spence," She started to protest. She didn't want to leave him all alone, not in this strange house. "I can't just leave you like this," She stood and walked over to where he was standing.
"Yes you can. I know you don't understand but I need to do this," He put his hands in his pockets but squared his shoulders at the same time.
"But this house Spencer, doesn't it feel strange? I mean look around and profile it. Furniture, clothes and your books from your apartment? Your old car outside and restored? This can't be good Spencer."
"He gave it to me," Spencer walked out of the bedroom and went to the den with JJ trailing behind him. "It's-" He was trying to find the right words but he knew that nothing he said would make her understand, "It's his gift and his apology."
JJ looked at Spencer with raised brows and open mouth, "You can't be seriously considering this Spencer." Her protective nature surged in her and she didn't want to leave Spencer here.
"It's my decision JJ. I'm staying. Now, if you can't respect that then you can just leave," JJ stared at him in shock. He had never talked to her like this, but of course she hadn't seen him in years.
"Okay, Spence, I'm just worried about you." JJ couldn't quite keep the frown off her face.
"JJ, please, I'll be okay," He looked around and smiled, "This is at least bigger than my last place," He tried to joke but it fell flat.
"That's not even funny Spencer," JJ crossed her arms as she tried to glare at the man in front of her.
"I need to go to the market," Spencer wasn't going to have this conversation anymore and JJ knew it. She also had a feeling that he wasn't ever going to talk about what happened to him. She closed her eyes, sighed and said her goodbyes.
Spencer looked around in drawers till he found the car keys. Pulling out the phone he took a few minutes to learn some of the features. Finding the nearest market he committed the map to memory. Getting into the car he sat there a moment and noticed all of the work that had been done. He ran his fingers across the dash, felt the soft leather, turned on the radio, finding one of his favorite stations he turned up the volume. Turning on the car he actually smiled, closing his eyes he let the feel of it wrap around him for a moment. He was going to drive for the first time in so long he wanted to weep again. But he didn't, he backed out of the driveway and made his way to the grocery store.
It didn't take long to get the few things he needed, but he was nervous the whole time. Twice he was hit on by older women but he just curled himself up and ignored them. Quickly going through the checkout he made his way back to the car. He congratulated himself for this small victory.
On the way home he noticed an adult bookstore. Making a u-turn he drove back and parked right outside. His breath was shallow as he kept looking up. Finally making up his mind he got out of the car and made his way inside.
Cautiously walking around he made a slow perusal of the store first. Then going back to the front he grabbed a basket. The first section he stopped at was the masturbation aides. Slowly he ran his hands across the plastic holding the products inside. He stopped at one wall that had a variety of sleeves. He had to bite back a groan as he closed his eyes and memories flooded his mind.
He was restrained this time, which meant no touching. The man had brought him right to the edge then stopped three times now. He was sweating and straining with the effort to obey his order not to come.
"Please, please let me come," He was begging, pleading for release.
"So pretty when you beg me Spencer," The man pulled out the butt plug he had been using then easily slid inside him. Spencer shuddered with the effort not to release when he felt that slide of a hard cock enter him.
"Please," This was longest that his…..lover? He wasn't sure what this was but all he could think about was the release and to hold it.
"Almost, my love, I promise," The man leaned down as he slowly thrust in, pulled back out then thrust in again. He felt his own orgasm building in him when he reached for the toy. Spencer felt something tight wrap around his cock and almost cried out at the feeling. He could tell when the man's breathing changed, he was close which meant that Spencer would finally find relief.
After a couple of seconds he felt that tight sleeve being gripped, then it started moving up and down his cock.
"Fuck," He screamed, begged, cried for the release his body wanted, no needed. Unable to control himself anymore the man started to pound hard while still gripping Spencer's sheathed cock and when the man came hard deep within him he felt himself also let go. He felt like he was coming forever, almost like it would never stop. Finally it did and he dropped back on the bed, sweaty, exhausted.
"So good. You're so good for me Spencer," The man breathed in his ear. "I know you don't believe this, but I love you Spencer." Those familiar lips came crashing down on his and he didn't protest. He had stopped that the year prior. He let himself feel those lips on his and he was greedy for them, god help him he loved and hated the man at the same time. His arms were released and the man picked him up and carried him to the bathroom. He was lowered into the steaming tub, with the man behind him stroking him, cleaning him up. Spencer let his head fall back onto the man's chest and he wept.
"Shhhh, it's okay," The man stroked his hair and let him cry.
"No, it's not okay. I want to hate you so much. I did, for a while, I hated you, why do I love you now? I don't want to, I don't," He cried out as those familiar arms came around him and held him close. "I know what this is. I'm not stupid, It's Stockholm Syndrome. But why does it feel so much more?"
The man holding him was silently crying. He had broken this man in his arms and in turn it had broken him as well.
"Excuse me sir, can I help you find anything?" A pretty young man had come up to Spencer. He swallowed back his sudden desire and was surprised he could actually speak.
"No, no I'm fine," He tried a reassuring smile.
"Okay well my name is Brad if you have any questions just let me know." The clerk smiled and walked away.
"Thank you Brad," Spencer went back to looking at the toys and he finally picked out a few. He also got a set of quick release leather cuffs, a couple of blindfolds, anal beads and a couple of butt plugs. He quickly paid for his purchases and made his way home.
Getting out of the car he was able to get everything into the house in one go. He put his groceries away, then took all of the sex toys to his bedroom. He took them all out of their packages and thoroughly cleaned them. Using the large lower drawer he lined it with the mat that silicon mat he bought and placed his items inside. The blindfolds he left in the top drawer. Feeling better, more settled he went to the kitchen to cook himself something to eat.
A short while later he was curled up on his old comfortable couch with a mug of tea in one hand and a book in the other. It startled him when he heard a knock at the door. His heart pounded, he didn't want anyone there, he realized when he was at JJ's that he didn't want to be around other people that much yet. Today he had forced himself out because he needed the things he bought, but other than that he didn't want others around. They were going to try to get him to talk and if he talked they would think he was crazy. He knew he wasn't crazy but he would have a hard time convincing anyone else.
The pounding on his door became incessant. Rolling his eyes he got up and stalked to the door and flung it open.
"What?" He shouted at the person standing there. Then shock at actually seeing who it was.
"Spencer," Derek Morgan didn't believe it when JJ had called him. He still didn't believe it seeing the man standing there. He reached in to grab Spencer in a hug but the younger man stepped back. "Can I come in?" Morgan asked tentatively.
Spencer closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "Fine," He walked into the living room and waited. The darker man slowly moved inside, his eyes looking everywhere noticing the furniture and other things from Spencer's old apartment.
"JJ called you didn't she?" Spencer wrapped his arms around his waist.
"Yeah, yeah she did. She's worried about you. She told me about the apartment. I went there myself. It made me sick to my stomach because I fucking own several of those apartments. Restored them myself and all that time," Morgan's voice choked on his emotions, "You were there all the time and I never knew. My best friend-" Tears fell from his eyes as he tried to hold himself together.
Spencer closed his eyes against the pain of that knowledge, "Morgan," Spencer looked miserable. "You never saw the door? It never made you pause?" Spencer looked up into Morgan's face.
"I never thought anything of it. They looked like standard security locks. It was only when I looked closer that I saw what they were," He rubbed a hand over his face as he thought about the hundreds of times he passed by that door.
"Your profiling sense never went off?" Spencer looked at him horrified.
"Spencer," What could he say? There was no way he was ever going to make this right. "I'm sorry. Oh god I'm sorry," Morgan was breathing hard against the pain of knowing how close his best friend had been, and he never knew.
"Get out," Spencer knew it wasn't rational, he knew it wasn't Morgan's fault but knowing help was there just outside the door was the worst kind of pain.
"Spencer, I'm sorry," Morgan looked devastated.
"Morgan, leave now," Spencer looked wild with anger and Derek felt genuinely afraid.
"Spencer, we should talk about this," Spencer pulled his old revolver out from the back of his pants and pointed the gun at Morgan. "Whoa, Pretty Boy-"
Spencer closed his eyes against those words.
God you're so pretty Spencer… Fuck, that's so pretty on you Spencer… My pretty Spencer…Your hair is too pretty to cut…... You're going to be so pretty for me Spencer…
"Stop, stop, stop, stop," Spencer's eyes were shut tight against those memories. He was pounding his forehead with his fists, the gun still in one hand.
"Okay, Spencer, calm down, its okay," Morgan put his hands up to show he was unarmed.
"Just leave Morgan, just fucking leave," Spencer shouted, "And don't come here again unless I want you here," Spencer's jaw was working back and forth as his anger reddened his face.
"Okay, I'm going right now," Morgan backed away and slowly walked out the door.
Spencer rushed up, slammed the door and locked it. Standing there breathing hard shallow breaths he thought he was going to hyper-ventilate. Instead he put his gun down and dragged himself back to the library.
He laid his head back against the couch and drifted off to sleep.
"Why won't you tell me who you are?" Spencer asked the man one day. It was about five years in and he knew he was changing. The man was getting to him, breaking him down but he didn't know how to stop.
"I'm ashamed to say because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that you will hate me Spencer," The man was sitting against the headboard and Spencer was wrapped in his arms.
"I don't know if I would. Just tell me who you are," Spencer was caressing the man's arms, his head against his captor's shoulder. The man had been true to his word, he had never hit him, but he did have a bite mark on his right shoulder. The man had given it to him three years prior by accident. Now though, every once-in-a-while he'd reinforce that mark. To Spencer it was almost like a claiming. The man pulled Spencer up and he felt those teeth sink into his shoulder and god help him, it made his cock jump.
"One day I'll tell you and on that day you'll either kill me, or have me thrown in jail. I'm sometimes curious to know which." He thrust his hips against Spencer's ass.
Spencer knew then, this was one of the night's he was going to stay. A hand drifted down and took his cock in a hard grip. He whined at the feel of that strong calloused hand.
"Oh god Spencer," The man kept thrusting up, but not entering him. He was then pushed down on his stomach, "On your hands and knees," The man commanded.
Spencer scrambled to do as the man asked. He knew the position, head on the bed, ass high in the air. He knew his captor was pleased when he felt his ass cheeks being parted, and a slick finger slid inside him. It never took long to prepare him anymore and when the man slid his cock in he cried out. Strong hands wrapped around his hips as he was thrust into hard, again and again. Spencer felt his prostate being stimulated, over and over. He was panting hard, begging for his release.
"Yeah, you beg me for it don't you Spencer," He was pushed off then slammed into, then pushed off and slammed into over and over. "Fuck, you're body, so willing and all mine," The man cried out as he slammed in one last time, coming hard inside that deep fuckable channel.
The man flipped him over and Spencer felt that mouth on his cock. He fisted the bedding as he tried not to thrust up as the tongue swirled the head. When the man deep-throated him he couldn't hold back anymore.
"I'm gonna come," He cries out a warning. The man pulls back just enough when Spencer spills his salty seed into that hot mouth.
The man collapsed next to him and wrapped his arms around Spencer, holding him close as the genius tried not to cry. The man used his body through the night, only finally letting him rest in the early hours of the morning. This was one of the nights the man was staying with him. Sleeping with him. He was tempted to take off the blindfold and look to see who his captor was, but the last time he tried that, his internet was cutoff. No books, no school, no connection to the outside world at all. So he never tried it again, though he was always tempted.
Spencer bolted out of the dream, sweat dripping and come stains in his pants. He pulled his legs up to his chest and cried, hard-wracking sobs. He stayed there for a long time not moving, not daring to move.
Eventually he was uncomfortable in the clothes and he stood to take them all off. His skin wasn't used to the feeling of clothes on his body and he was sensitive. He pushed the clothes aside and sat back on the couch again, his eyes wandering the bookshelves. There was something wrong, he couldn't put his finger on it till he looked between his favorite copies of The Divine Comedy, in Italian and Paradise Lost in French. Les Termes De La Ley, an obscure law dictionary in French sat there in-between. Spencer's eyes widened, his breathing was shallow as he slowly got up from the couch and crouched, pulling the book out and cracking it open. There he saw the inscription he had written in it years ago.
Spencer wanted to cry, to laugh, to throw things. He couldn't believe it, didn't want to believe it yet the evidence was staring him right in the face. With shaking fingers he leafed through the book and there in towards the back of the book was an envelope. Spencer took it out and opened it, pulling the note out, all there was written on it was an address. It was several hours away. Spencer would have to drive all that way if he wanted answers. He sat on he floor, naked, clutching the book close as his heart shattered completely. Only one name on his mind, only one name that he never thought would do this to him but of course it made a twisted sort of sense. Everything fell into place and coalesced in his mind when that one name was put together with the combination of heaven and hell he had been through.
"Aaron, why?" Spencer keened as he rocked back and forth holding the book close to him shouting his lover's name over and over again.
Spencer slipped into a deep depression. He was barely eating, living off coffee and protein bars, when he even remembered. He showered, but crawled back into bed and huddled into his pillow. When the dreams came and his body responded to them he'd masturbate, then sob uncontrollably. He knew he was falling apart, much like that first year of his captivity.
It took a few day for Spencer to finally comply. When he wasn't getting any food and only had water to drink he realized his captor meant business. So, he undressed and shoved his clothes through the slot. Tears fell from his eyes as he stood there shaking and sweating from the rage and the fear.
Finally he moved to the bed and crawled under the covers and vowed to himself that he wouldn't break. He'd be strong, his team would find him and this nightmare would be over. When the phone rang it startled him once again.
"Thank you for obeying Spencer," The man's voice was obscured again.
"Just tell me what you want, let me go, please," He begged the man.
"I can't Spencer. In time I know you'll understand," The man's voice was soothing, almost apologetic.
"No, I will never understand this," He growled into the phone as he slammed it down. He crawled back into bed, pulled the covers over his head and tried to imagine he was somewhere else.
When he woke up in the morning there was a large Styrofoam cooler with food and gourmet coffee. Spencer was so hungry he practically pounced on the provisions. He slowed himself down though and took thorough stock of what he was given. All the essentials were there, things he liked. Eggs, cheese, the turkey breast and ham that were from his favorite butcher. The fresh bread from the little bakery near his apartment. The coffee from his favorite roasters. There was everything he would need to cook himself fresh meals.
His first day he had wandered the apartment and took note of the small stacked washer and dryer, the dishwasher, a generously sized tub that looked to be fairly new. Whoever had taken him had planned this, and planned it for a while. It was also someone that either knew him very well, or stalked him for a long time and he never knew. He had one crazy thought that maybe Gideon had finally cracked and done this. He wasn't unaware of the older profilers' attraction to him and somehow this was just something he would do.
But after the first time the man came to him, restrained him and raped him he knew it wasn't Gideon.
He had also tried to call out on the phone but it was blocked to all outgoing calls, he could only receive. Those first few weeks he tried every trick he knew to escape but the man knew him too well and planned for every contingency. He also found out the walls were soundproofed, and after a while he suspected the windows were too.
His depression set in and after a while he didn't even try to struggle when the man came to him. One night, he just couldn't take it anymore and he broke a glass took one of the shards into the bathroom where he got into a nice hot bath and proceeded to cut his wrists.
When he woke-up two days later in his bed he sobbed. Over the course of that first year he tried to commit suicide more than once, and was unsuccessful each time. The man would save him each and every time. The last time he tried he cried in the man's arms as he stayed with him through the whole of the night.
After a while Spencer slowly started to give in to his situation. The first time that he gave into his body, he knew he had been irrevocably broken.
He was currently living in limbo, afraid to move on and afraid to face the man who had taken him. It got to the point where he was so tired of his own self-pity that he knew he needed to do something and that something was to face Aaron Hotchner.
It was almost three months after his release that he finally decided to pull himself together. JJ called him almost every day and it was actually comforting. He knew she was trying to help him but nothing would, not until he confronted his captor.
He got a bag ready, gathered several provisions together and was ready to walk out the door when someone knocked. Sighing deeply he went to the door to see who it was.
"Morgan, what are you doing here?" Spencer wasn't ready to forgive the man. Though he knew it wasn't Morgan's fault that he was captured, there had to have been clues. Especially the door, Morgan had to have seen it and wondered.
"You going somewhere Pre-Spencer?" Morgan looked at the bags on the floor.
"If I am it's none of your business. Now if you'll excuse me I have a long drive ahead of me," He picked up his bags and started to go out the door.
"Reid," Morgan snapped out as Spencer walked out of the house, "I'm sorry, Reid. I am so sorry," Morgan looked miserable. He had been living in hell knowing his best friend had been right there all these years and he didn't know.
"Morgan, you're a damn profiler. Something should have alerted you at some point. But you ignored whatever little niggling voice you had at the back of your head. You ignored every damn instinct you had and left me there for twenty fucking years. Take a look Morgan," Spencer stood back and held out his arms, "I'm 48, not a kid. Take a damn good look," He stood there with anger flashing on his face.
"Spencer," Morgan didn't know what else to say, didn't think there was anything to say because Spencer was right. He never checked out what was going on in that apartment even though he got an odd feeling. He just chalked it up to strange neighbors and never investigated.
"Goodbye Morgan," Spencer brushed past the darker man and got in his car.
"Are you coming back?" Morgan looked at him with pain and misery in his eyes.
"I honestly don't know, it depends on what happens next." He shut his door and turned the engine over.
"Spencer, please," Morgan called after the man driving away.
Spencer looked back and saw Morgan standing there, and he didn't have it in his heart to care.
Eight hours later Spencer was pulling into a small diner in Big Stone Gap VA. It was the farthest place west of Fairfax while still being in Virginia. He grabbed his messenger bag and with his head slightly bowed he walked into the diner. He was shown to a booth and slid in. He ordered coffee while he fiddled with the menu. He was hungry, but he was exhausted as well.
He had been looking out the window when he felt someone's eyes on him. He turned to look and sitting halfway across the restaurant was none other than the man he drove so far to see, Aaron Hotchner. The other man grabbed his coffee cup and slowly walked towards Spencer.
Spencer's eyes never strayed from Hotch's, not once. It was surreal seeing the man that he once had such a good relationship with, then it all went to hell. The darker haired man slid into the booth and it was several long minutes before anyone said anything.
"We aren't doing this here. If you want to sit with me while I eat that's fine but we aren't discussing anything else till we get somewhere private. I'm making the rules," Spencer said with a bitter tone to voice, while at the same time wanting to reach out and kiss the man across from him.
"We'll play this however you want Spencer," Aaron looked down at his coffee cup and tried to keep his expression neutral. Guilt and pain were riddled on his face. The waitress came back and Spencer ordered a light meal. He didn't want anything heavy after the long day of driving.
"This is what's going to happen. I'm going to eat my meal, drink my coffee then go to my hotel for the night. I will call you when I am ready to talk. You will come to my hotel room and I swear, if you try anything I will kill you," Spencer's expression was hard as he stared at the former unit chief, "Do you understand?"
"Yes. I'll wait for your call. I promise Spencer, no tricks," Aaron got up, went and paid for his meal then left. Spencer breathed a sigh of both relief and sadness as he watched Aaron walk away.
Spencer did exactly what he told Aaron he was going to do. He finished his meal then drove to his hotel trying to get a good night's sleep. When he woke-up he took a long hot shower and dressed carefully. White shirt, sweater vest and tie with dark corduroy's, mismatched socks and a pair of converse. He knew what he looked like and it was deliberate.
He made his way back to that small diner for breakfast and coffee. After finishing he took a long mind clearing walk, then and only then did he call Aaron.
"Meet me in my hotel room in 1 hour," Spencer got back to his hotel room and set everything up the way he wanted. By the time Aaron knocked on the door he was ready. Going to the door he opened it and let the man that had been his captor into his room.
Spencer sat on the bed and stared long and hard at the older man. "Why? Why Aaron? You took twenty years of my life from me," His voice was calm, controlled and it should have sent alarm bells ringing but it didn't. Aaron's guilt was too thick.
"I lost my mind Spencer. When you were mugged that night, all I saw was bruises, broken bones and you're knee blown out again. I saw the man I loved in pain and all I wanted to do was keep you safe. It was too soon, too soon after Haley," Aaron closed his eyes against the images in his head.
"So you're solution was to kidnap me, keep me locked-up, keep your identity from me, rape me and then after twenty fucking years let me go?" Spencer crossed his legs and stared at Aaron.
"I never meant to hurt you," Tears gathered in Aaron's eyes but Spencer wasn't going to be deterred. "I didn't really have a psychotic break, but I know what I did to you. After a while it just got easier and easier to keep you all to myself and I know that sounds crazy, because it is," Aaron stopped talking and dropped his gaze to his hands.
"How did you cover up your scars?"
"I learned some make-up techniques, then later laser surgery," Aaron knew he needed to be completely honest with Spencer and the younger man was rather surprised at how contrite he was being.
"Did you censor my letters to my mother?" This was the biggest question he had.
"No, I never read them. I sent them as they were," Aaron kept his gaze directly on Spencer. He wanted so desperately to touch, to kiss, but he knew there was no chance in that.
"I told her everything. I told her the truth. Unfortunately being a paranoid schizophrenic I'm sure Dr. Newman, the later Dr. Wells didn't think she was telling the truth." Spencer closed his eyes and fought back the pain of not being able to see his mother but at least that was one number he was allowed to call out to, well as long as the ma-Aaron was there, couldn't alert the doctors to what was going on.
"What do want Spencer?" Aaron looked at him with such pain and guilt but it wasn't going to deter Spencer.
"I want you to strip," Spencer stares at Aaron almost coldly.
"What?" Aaron swallowed hard and his breathing became shallow as he stared at Spencer.
"I said," Spencer pulled the gun out of the back of his pants and held it on the older man, "Strip."
Aaron actually looked scared and it satisfied something in Spencer. The older man stood and with shaking hands did what he was asked.
"On the bed," Spencer stood, he hated to admit that Aaron still looked good. Aaron maybe in his sixties, but he kept in shape and his body was still toned with hard defined muscles and Spencer couldn't help thinking how that body felt moving on him.. There was a little fear in Aaron's eyes and Spencer thought that he shouldn't feel satisfied, but he did. He felt a strange sort satisfaction that Aaron was feeling that same fear he had lived with for years.
Aaron got on the bed and swallowed hard, he had no idea what Spencer was going to do.
"Spencer, please," Aaron started to sweat a little as his anxiety rose.
"Are you, are you going to plead with me to let you go? Are you going to beg to be let out of this room? Is that what you're going to do Aaron?" Spencer walked to the bed and pulled on the hidden restraints. Quicker than Aaron realized Spencer snapped on the wrist cuffs. He started to struggle and looked over at Spencer, pleading with his eyes.
"How does it feel Aaron?" Spencer moved to the end of the bed and sat between Aaron's legs facing the opposite direction. He grabbed at the kicking leg and held it down to snap on a leg cuff. He heard a cry escape Aaron's throat and didn't react. Struggling again he got Aaron's other leg pinned and fastened with the other cuff around it. Spencer stood and stripped.
"Spencer, don't, please don't do this. I'm sorry, you can't ever know how sorry I am. Please, I promise I'll leave you alone, I'll never bother you again," Aaron started to beg and plead with the man crawling on top of him.
"I seem to remember saying those same things to you. Except I couldn't see you, could hear the real you. Should I do the same? Blindfold you?" Spencer sat up as he ran the long strip of cloth through his hands, "No, no you are going to see me Aaron Hotchner." Spencer slowly bent down and hovered just mere inches from Aaron's face, "Should I fuck you? Use you? Make your body respond to me against your will? Hmmm Aaron? What should I do?" Spencer closed the distance and kissed that mouth he knew so well. He moaned as he slid his lips over Aaron's slowly deepening the kiss. He ignored the tears that were sliding down Aaron's face as he swiped his tongue, seeking entrance. When it didn't come he bit down hard until Aaron complied. He thrust his tongue inside and moaned when Aaron responded. Pulling back Spencer looked down into Aaron's face and saw that mixture of fear and desire.
Spencer scrambled off the bed and stood, looking down at what he was doing. Did he really want to do this? Was this the kind of revenge he wanted? He started pacing back and forth frantically before he spoke.
"God," He cried out as he whirled on the man in the bed, "I shouldn't love you, that fear in your eyes I shouldn't fucking care," He yelled. "What is wrong with me?" He dropped to the floor and curled up with his back against the bed, crying and confused.
"Spencer?" It had been too long since Aaron heard anything from the younger man. Spencer heaved himself off the floor and with fumbling fingers he released the man on the bed. Scrambling over to one of the chairs he curled in tight to himself.
"Go, just go," Spencer cried brokenly.
Aaron closed his eyes to the full devastation he caused. Instead of leaving he walked over to the man in the chair and picked him up. Spencer didn't know why he didn't protest, he knew he was shutting down. Aaron walked with him to the bed and sat holding Spencer in his lap the genius put his head on the older man's shoulder, his arm around Aaron's waist he let out a broken sob as familiar arms came around him.
"I hate you," He wailed into Aaron's shoulder.
"I know," Aaron fisted his hand in Spencer's hair.
"I love you," He sobbed out.
Aaron closed his eyes and let his tears fall, "I know. I've only ever loved you Spencer. I don't know if you belie-"
Spencer put a finger on Aaron's lips, "I believe you, I shouldn't, but I do." He turned in the older man's arms and sat straddling him. "I thought I wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me but I couldn't." He stared at Aaron for what seemed like eternity. When he spoke again he knew what it was that he wanted.
"What I want is for you to look at me every day. I want to live in your house, to be in your bed and make you look at me, make you see just how broken you made me. I want you to fuck me, make love to me without restraint, with me touching you and you having to see me."
He crashed his lips down on Aaron's kissing him pouring all of his anger, hate and love in that one kiss. Aaron keened into that kiss, not wanting to believe that Spencer was willingly kissing him like this. The younger man pulled back and started to lick and kiss Aaron's neck, sucking on his pulse just behind his ear. The older man moaned as he felt those lips on him. Spencer trailed his lips across Aaron's collarbone, his tongue dipping in the deep v at his throat causing Aaron's hips to buck up into Spencer's groin. Licking his way back along the other side of Aaron's shoulder's he stopped and ran his hand over the shoulder. Smiling darkly Spencer mouthed at the top then much to Aaron's surprise he bit down hard causing Aaron to cry out in pain. Spencer licked at the small amount of blood that escaped.
"Now we match," He stared into Aaron's eyes as he grabbed at the dark hair and pushed the man's mouth to his own shoulder, "Do it," He said with a hardness to his voice. Aaron's breathing was shallow as he hesitated.
"Do. It," Spencer snarled through gritted teeth. Aaron closed his eyes and mouthed the almost identical mark on Spencer's shoulder. He bit down hard enough to draw blood and wanted to cry.
Spencer hissed at the pain, but his body betrayed him as he hardened at the feeling of those teeth reinforcing the mark on his shoulder. He let his hands wander over Aaron's chest, noticing the gray coming in. He ran his fingers through the thick salt and pepper hair, pulling softly at first, then harder forcing a hiss out of Aaron's mouth. Bending his head down he teased a nipple making it hard before mouthing it.
Aaron was a whimpering mess under the hands of Spencer and he wasn't going to stop anytime soon.
"I'm going to fuck you Aaron," Spencer had moved back up Aaron's body and whispered in his ex-captor's ear. Sliding down he kept biting and sucking, raising bruises and leaving bite marks. He paid special attention to Aaron's hips, that little part that bends, he licked his way across Aaron's abdomen.
Spencer lay in-between Aaron's legs, staring at his very hard cock. Spencer, eyes wide open flicks out his tongue swiping it across the leaking fluids. Taking just the head in his mouth he continues to swirl his tongue around the head. Aaron wants to thrust but Spencer was holding him down as he teased and played.
"Spencer, please, please," Aaron cried out as he thrust up as much as he could. Looking up with his eyes only Spencer took all of Aaron in his mouth. This wasn't the first time he used his mouth on the ex-agent but it was the first time he got to see Aaron. He was actually pleased at the flush on the face of the older man.
Spencer pulled off and looked down at Aaron, "What was it you always said to me? So pretty when you beg? Well Aaron, you're fucking gorgeous when you beg. Maybe I should put the restraints back on." Spencer reached to both sides and pulled them back up contemplating.
"Yes, I think I will," Spencer cuffs Aaron's wrists and was quite surprised when the man didn't protest. Aaron looked up at Spencer with wide resigned eyes. When the locks clicked Spencer closed his eyes and moaned. Sliding back down Aaron, Spencer took the cock in his mouth once more, but this time in earnest. Just as he was about to come Spencer pinched the head, controlling the release.
"Not yet," Spencer moved off the bed and grabbed something from his satchel. When he returned it was bottle of lube. Slicking up his fingers he started to play with Aaron's hole. The older man's eyes were impossibly wide.
"Don't like that? Is this a virgin ass?" Spencer asked but then stopped when Aaron looked wild and tears started to roll down his face. "Aaron?" Spencer suddenly was very concerned.
"Just, do it Spencer," Aaron looked to the side and closed his eyes tight.
"No, no, no, you don't get to close off like that Aaron, what is going through your mind?" Spencer grabbed his face and roughly turned Aaron to look at him, "What's going on?" He said harsher than he meant to.
Aaron was throwing his head side to side not wanting to talk.
"Aaron," Spencer getting more concerned moved off the other man and released him from the cuffs. "What aren't you telling me?"
Aaron stumbled off the bed and dashed into the bathroom. Spencer walked in and found the older man throwing up. It was mostly bile but now Spencer was a little freaked out. He got down on his knees and put a hand on his shoulder, "Aaron," He didn't want to care but goddamit he did, "What happened?"
"Don't pretend to care Spencer," Aaron fell against the wall and let the sob that had been threatening to leave him out.
"Just," Spencer sat down on the floor and stared at the older man, "Tell me."
"It was Foyet, okay? You happy now Spencer?" Aaron stared at the man he knew he had broken, but now Spencer had broken Aaron.
"What are you talking about?" Spencer tried to think back to the attack on Aaron and it suddenly clicked on why their relationship hadn't turned physical. "You were raped. You were raped and you didn't tell anyone."
"I couldn't," Aaron buried his head against his knees. Spencer in that moment had an epiphany.
"So, all of this, everything you did was because of what happened to you. The blindfold wasn't for me was it?" Spencer asked harshly.
"No," Aaron's shame washed over him as he looked at his ex-captive. "I couldn't look you in the eyes. He broke me Spencer then I turned that fear, shame and pain onto you and I broke you. I'm not worth even being near you," He curled up into himself and flinched when Spencer went to touch him. How this got so fucked-up so quickly Spencer didn't know.
"Come back to the bedroom Aaron," Spencer stood and held out his hand. He stood tall but not proud.
Aaron slowly reached out and clasped Spencer's hand and let himself be pulled up. He turned into the sink and rinsed his mouth out. Spencer handed him some mouthwash to help him clean out his mouth.
The two broken men fell onto the bed and wrapped themselves around each other. Spencer's anger left him, just like that, he let it go. It was turning him into the very thing that Aaron had turned into, something possessive and ugly.
"God help me I do care Aaron. There were good things about the last 20 years. Our talks, how you'd sit behind me and as long as I wouldn't look at you, you'd watch Dr. Who or Star Trek with me. You never restricted my books, let me continue going to school, let me stay in touch with my mother, and those nights you'd read to me as I fell asleep. Those were good things. I hated how you used my body in those first couple of years. Then it turned to resignation and somewhere along the way it betrayed me and I craved your touch. I hated you for that. And I loved you for it too. How fucked up is that. The man who saved people, who counseled Stockholm victims, created his very own Stockholm victim." Spencer buried his face in Aaron's shoulder and willed himself not to cry again.
"Spencer," Aaron pulled him on top of himself, his eyes held years of shame and self-recrimination. He felt he didn't even deserve the little bit of respect Spencer had shown. "God help me, I love you and I never meant for everything to get so far out of hand. I know you'll never forgive me." Aaron buried his head in Spencer's neck and willed himself not to break further, "If my punishment is to see your face every day, to have you there as a reminder of my selfishness then I will gladly live in that hell. Even if you never touch me again, I will take what I deserve."
"Aaron, let me finish what I started. Let yourself have this I promise I won't hurt you."
Aaron looked in the face of the man he loved and saw no deception there. Frowning, he nodded yes.
Sliding down Aaron's body, Spencer once again took Aaron's cock in his mouth, and worked to make him hard again. When Spencer thought Aaron was ready he slid a finger inside and started to slowly thrust. Watching Aaron's face he gauged when the older man started to relax so he slid in a second finger and started to work him open. Keeping his lips over the head of Aaron's cock he elicited soft moans coming from Aaron. He pushed further and slid in a third finger and feeling around he found Aaron's prostate. He knew he hit it just right when Aaron cried out in pleasure.
After a few thrusts Aaron was starting to move against Spencer's fingers.
"Please, Spencer," Aaron cried out against the thrusts.
"What do you want Aaron?" Spencer leaned down and kissed him. The slow slide of lips on his he grabbed Spencer's hair but didn't pull he just held the younger man there while he was being fingered and kissed all at once.
"Go ahead Spencer, I want you to," There was still fear there but Spencer could also see desire. He pulled his fingers out and wiped them with the cloth he had grabbed from the bathroom. Grabbing the bottle of lube he poured some out and slicked up his own very heavy erection. Positioning the head at Aaron's entrance he watched Aaron's face as he slowly started to push inside. When he finally bottomed out he noticed Aaron's breathing was shallow but steady and his pupils were blown. The older man wrapped his legs around Spencer's waist as he brought his hands to rest on Spencer's waist.
"Oh god, move, please Spencer," Aaron was pleading as he rocked his hips up to encourage the man on top of him. Spencer started to slowly move, pulling almost out, then thrusting back in. He did this a few times eliciting cries and moans from the man under him. Spencer let his thoughts wander, thinking back to all those years Aaron had his way. Spencer sat back slightly as he gripped Aaron around the waist and pounded hard and when Aaron went to take his own cock in hand Spencer slapped it away.
"You'll come when I want you to," Spencer growled out as his thrusts because more fevered. Aaron was throwing his head from side to side begging, pleading for release.
When Spencer felt that familiar pull he gripped Aaron's cock tight and pulled adding a twist as his hand passed over the head. It didn't take long and Aaron was coming hard in Spencer's hand. Feeling those tight muscles clamp down on him Spencer chases his own release, thrusting hard a few more times. He stills, throwing his head back he cries out as he spills his seed deep inside the warm tight channel gripping him.
Panting Spencer carefully pulls out, stumbling to the bathroom he cleans himself up then brings a washcloth to clean Aaron. He carefully checked for blood and seeing none he sighed in relief. Collapsing next to the dark haired man he doesn't say anything.
Almost a month later JJ and Morgan show up at the little house concern filling both of them. JJ had been trying to get ahold of Spencer and no answer. She was scared enough to call Morgan and the two of them go over to the house.
Morgan again pounds on the door and when nobody opens his fear heightens even more. Pulling out his lock-picking kit he gets the door open and carefully he and JJ step inside.
"Spencer?" JJ calls out. She looks in the den and all the books and furniture are gone. They move into the bedroom and see all of the clothes are gone. Moving quickly through the house they see that anything that was Spencer was gone.
"What the hell?" Morgan frowns until he looks on the mantel and there he sees two envelopes. One addressed to him and one addressed to JJ. "Jayje," He calls out to her as she moved through the kitchen.
"Did you find something?" Morgan hands her the envelope with her name on it. Moving to one of the chairs she sits down and with shaking fingers opens it up and pulls out a letter.
I know you won't understand but that's alright because you don't have to. Just know that I love you and I always will. I'm not telling you where I'm going just know that the person I'm with is someone that needs me as much as I need them. I'm going to tell you my story because you deserve to know, but Jayje when you read everything I know it's going to break your heart. Please know that you can't fix everything, and you won't ever be able to fix me, no one will. I'm broken J in more ways than you know. And if I stayed there you would be compelled to try. Please tell Henry that I love him and I'm sorry. There's a letter for him enclosed please see that he gets it. I don't know if I'll ever see you again but if I don't have a good life and I'll always remember our date to the Redskins.
Love always, Spencer.
JJ sits there with tears in her eyes as she reads the account of Spencer's life. When he reveals in the letter who it was that held him captive her heart breaks. She doesn't want to believe it but somehow in the back of her mind she always had a feeling. When she looked up at Morgan that rage and anger on his face told her everything.
"That son-of-a-bitch. We trusted him, I had his fucking back for years and he was behind this?" Morgan was pacing frantically trying to think, "JJ we cannot tell Rossi about this, ever. That man's already got heart problems, he doesn't need to know this." Morgan was seething with anger.
"Morgan, we can try to have Garcia find them, but what's the point? You know this is a severe case of Stockholm. With as long as Spencer was there, he's right there's never going to be a way to fix him. If this is what he needs then we need to let him go."
"Hotch is not above the law JJ, he needs to pay for what he's done. His ass needs to be in prison," Morgan's jaw was working back and forth as whatever care and affection he had for his old boss crumbled to dust.
"Morgan, Derek," JJ put a hand on his arm, "I think he will be. I think Spencer being there, a constant reminder will be his prison. I don't think it will be what you call a happy marriage but it's their decision and knowing Spencer, it's his own type of revenge. Just let them go Morgan."
Derek pulled the blonde into his arms and cried. They vowed to never tell the rest of their old teammates, it would just break them, especially Penelope. She's happy with Sam and Morgan wasn't going to do anything to ruin her happiness.
Spencer was taking the restraints off his husband as he collapsed on the bed, he pulled Aaron to him and cared for him. He didn't take the blindfold off, not yet anyway.
"I still hate you," Spencer kissed where he had reinforced his mark.
"I know," Aaron stroked Spencer's back, making lazy circles.
"And I still love you," Spencer reached up and pulled the blindfold off, letting Aaron see for the first time that night.
"And I will always love you," Aaron sobs out as he held his husband close. This was the hell of his own making and he would endure it every day if it meant that Spencer would be there till his dying day.