The First Time
The First Time
The funeral was over and Dr. Spencer Reid stood in the middle of his living room unable to move, to speak, to feel. This was the day it all became real. This was the day it finally hit him that Aaron was never going to walk through that door again, he'd never hold him again, or kiss him or make love to him. This was the day his world finally shattered, when he finally let in the pain, the grief and the sadness. He wanted to yell, to scream, to break things, to hit someone, but he didn't. He was paralyzed. It wasn't until Jack came up to him and pulled him into a hug that Spencer finally broke. His grief was palpable, a living breathing being and he felt he was being swallowed up by it. He pulled the boy in close not knowing what else to do.
"Papa, papa I miss him too," Is all Jack said. Jack had inherited his father's stoic nature. He had grown into a young man of little words, but when he spoke it was always with meaning.
Just then the doorbell rang. They didn't know who it could be, the Hotchner family had asked for privacy and even though Spencer's team at the FBI wanted to comfort him they also knew there really was nothing they could do. So, for now at least, they respected Spencer and Jack's wishes. Jack pulled away from Spencer and the man collapsed on the floor. Head hanging down, he was starting to retreat into himself. The old craving returned, something he hadn't felt in years, but now, today it was there and it was strong. Spencer wanted to forget, but with an eidetic memory it was almost impossible. He remembered every word, every touch, every conversation he ever had with Section Chief Aaron Hotchner and it made the pain worse.
Spencer felt someone kneel next to him. He looked up and saw his old mentor, Jason Gideon sit next to him. Of course he would be the only one to ignore their wishes. Spencer looked at him seeing, but not seeing him at the same time. His grief made him blind he only saw what he wanted to see.
"Spencer, Spencer get-up, come on," Jason put his arm around the younger man's shoulder and pulled him up, guiding him to the couch. "Spencer, I know. I know what you're going through but you have to get through this Spencer. For Jack, for Sasha, you can't fall apart Spencer".
Spencer slowly turned his head and looked at Jason with a haunted expression and it broke Jason's heart.
"Spencer, talk to me".
"I can't do it Jason, I can't, I'm tired. Tired of trying to be strong, tired of losing everyone…."
"Spencer, you have people who are still here, people who love you who will be there for you. You have Jack and what about Sasha? She's scared, she needs you".
Spencer knew he was right, but it was difficult he was floating in this in-between state and he didn't know how to move on. Just then his daughter Sasha Haley Hotchner walked in the room looking as lost as he was.
"Papa," She said in a small quiet voice, "Papa I don't know what to do". Spencer looked up and saw that his daughter looked just as lost as he was.
Finally, something got through to Spencer and he spoke, "Come here princess," And he opened his arms for her to fall into. He pulled the little girl onto his lap and placed a kiss on the top of her head. Silent tears were running down his face but he made no move to stop them.
"Papa, tell me again how you fell in love with Daddy? Please, I love how you tell it". Spencer didn't want to remember, didn't want to think, but he knew Sasha was hurting. He thought back to the beginning of the complicated, frustrating and amazing beginnings with Aaron. They'd had so many beginnings and Spencer never thought there would ever be an ending.
"Well I wouldn't have kept kicking you, I was afraid you didn't get my plan".
"I got your plan the minute you moved the hostages out of my line of fire".
"Well, I hope I didn't hurt you too badly".
"Hotch, I was a twelve year old child prodigy in a Las Vegas Public High School. You kick like a nine year old girl".
Reid had walked away and Hotch knew the false bravado that he was putting up. The first kill was never easy, especially for someone like Spencer Reid. He knew that Spencer would have nightmares, that Phillip Dowd would haunt the young FBI agent's dreams for a while.
Hotch watched as Gideon talked to the youngest member of the team about when the reality would hit him. Gideon was proud of the kid, while Hotch was a little sad. He liked that Reid was a little naïve, still a little green. He knew that Reid felt emasculated without a gun, like he wasn't a real FBI agent, but that was the farthest from the truth. Hotch admired the way Reid's mind worked and now that mind, that pure heart was a little bit soiled and it made Hotch angry and sad.
When they landed and everyone was debarking Hotch noticed how Reid's shoulders slumped slightly, how his steps weren't as quick as normal and he knew. He knew Reid was processing the fact that he had killed a man. It didn't matter that it was a man who was hell bent on destruction, it was still a human being. And Hotch knew, to Reid there was something inherently wrong in that.
"Reid," Hotch moved up beside him, "Why don't I drive you home".
Reid went to protest, but he saw something in Hotch's face, something sad and almost vulnerable. A part of him was glad because he didn't think he'd be able drive at the moment.
Hotch also knew that his own dreams were going to be full of what could have happened and he didn't want to think about it. It didn't take long before they were pulling up to Reid's apartment and before he knew it Spencer was inviting the older man inside.
"Do you want a drink? The only hard stuff I have is some scotch".
"Yeah, that sounds good. Tell me where it is and I'll pour if you want to go change". Spencer looked at his boss for a moment and felt that same fluttering in his stomach that he always felt when he was alone with Aaron Hotchner.
"Umm, it's in that cupboard over there. I'll…I'll be right back". He headed into the small bedroom pulling out a pair of soft comfortable pajamas. He went to the bathroom to wash his face and he felt the beginning of shock setting in. He took a moment to get himself under control and when he felt ready he changed and moved back into the front room.
He saw Hotch had taken off his suit jacket and tie and was leaning back on the comfortable second hand couch. His hand wrapped around the glass with a couple of shots of the scotch. Another glass was sitting on the coffee table waiting for him.
Spencer sat down but had pulled into himself. He knew he was going into shock, he was starting to shake and when he reached for the glass Hotch noticed. Then Hotch did something that surprised both men, he pulled Spencer into a hug. At first the younger man didn't know what to do, he flinched at the touch. He wasn't someone who liked to be touched, but after his time at the BAU it was getting better. He didn't know what this meant, but he knew it felt good.
"Stop thinking so loud. And call me Aaron…" Hotch looked into Spencer's eyes and saw a flash of desire. Ever since Dr. Reid had started with the BAU the older man had felt a connection. He couldn't explain it and he was careful to keep his mask of professionalism in place, but tonight? Tonight he wanted something more. He wanted to prove to himself that Spencer was still there and still in one piece. So he took a chance, bent down and took Spencer's mouth with his.
Crazy thoughts were running through Spencer's mind as their lips met. He never thought Aaron ever felt the same for him, especially since the man was married and had a child. Spencer didn't want to think about Haley, he reached his hand up experimentally and started to caress the back of Aaron's neck. The older man closed his eyes and moaned against Spencer's lips.
Spencer pulled back and looked at Aaron seeing the desire in the man's eyes, "Aaron, what about…"
"Spencer, if you want to stop this, I understand…"
Spencer answered Aaron by crawling in his lap and kissing him. He pulled back for a moment, panting and breathless. He slowly lowered his head back down and and gently deepened the kiss. He moved against Aaron, subtly. He grabbed at the buttons on Aaron's shirt and made quick work of them. Aaron, at the same time was pulling the pajama top off of Spencer. The young man fell back and possessively took Aaron's mouth with his. Tasting, biting, grinding teeth against teeth, he slid his tongue against Aaron's mouth urging him to open for Spencer. Their tongues danced against each other, darted in and out of each other's mouths until Spencer couldn't take it anymore. He pulled back and let his forehead fall against Aaron's.
"Aaron," He said breathless and full of desire, "What are we doing?" Confusion and need were warring within him.
"Spencer, I need you. I keep telling myself you're safe, you're here, but I keep seeing…" Aaron swallowed hard, his eyes were wet with unshed tears. "I never wanted you to have to do what you did. I never wanted you to lose that innocence. I'm so sorry Spencer".
"Shhhh, it's okay Aaron, I'm here". He got up off of his Unit Chief's lap and held out his hand. At that moment he didn't care about Haley, didn't care that Aaron was married, all he cared about was what would happen in the next few minutes. Aaron got up and took Spencer's hand and they moved into the small bedroom that was dominated by a queen sized bed.
They quickly shed the rest of their clothes and fell on the bed with Aaron on top of the young agent. "God Spencer, you're beautiful". Aaron moved his hands all over Spencer's thin frame. He loved all the lines and angles, the creamy white skin that was surprisingly soft. Aaron bent down and continued kissing Spencer. Taking and giving at the same time. Both of their cocks were hard, and before Spencer could process everything that was happening Aaron moved his hand to grip the both of them. Spencer yelled out Aaron's name and bucked his hips into Aaron's large warm hands , calloused fingers moving expertly over them both.
Before he knew it Aaron was riding Spencer, moving so their cocks were in constant contact. "Oh, god Aaron…that…feels…amazing…" Spencer was moving his hips trying to feel more, more of Aaron. He reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the bottle of lube he kept there. Spencer may not have had a lot of experience with sex, but he did get urges.
Aaron grabbed it and slicked up both of their erections, he yelled "Fuck, Spencer, so good, so fucking good". Gripping them both in his hand he started to move quickly, feeling himself getting close. Spencer moved his hand over Aaron's and together they pinched and pulled giving and taking pleasure in each other and before either of them realized it they were coming together in thick white streams all over their hands. Aaron bent down and took Spencer's mouth in hot needy wet kisses. He collapsed on top of Spencer spent, released of the demon that had gripped him when a madman had taken them hostage.
He rolled over and pulled Spencer to him. "Aaron," Spencer was brought back to reality for a moment, "That was…incredible. I know…" There were tears in his eyes and Aaron felt guilty for putting them there.
"Let's just enjoy right now. Please, I don't want you to regret…"Aaron didn't know what he was trying to say. His feelings for Spencer Reid were complicated, but he still wanted to work things out with Haley.
"Aaron, I don't regret anything. Thank you for this. I know it hasn't hit quite yet…" Spencer laid his head on Aaron's chest and relaxed into the older man's body. He marveled at how they fit together. Spencer's eyes were closed when the vision of Dowd came upon him. He suddenly got up without a word and went into the bathroom. Aaron heard him turn on the shower and step inside. While Spencer was showering he went in the living room to retrieve his clothes and grabbed his forgotten glass of scotch. He downed it in one go. He sat on the couch, pants hanging unbuttoned while thoughts and feelings swirled in his head. When he realized Spencer was taking too long he went to look for him.
Aaron found him still in the shower curled in on himself and silently crying.
"Oh Spencer," Aaron, shedding his slacks, stepped in, sat on the hard tiles and pulled the young man into him. Spencer crawled up and plastered himself to Aaron's chest, sobbing. Aaron stroked his hair and held him, telling him everything was going to be okay.
"Did you feel this way Aaron?"
Aaron didn't need to be told what Spencer was talking about, he knew. "Yes Spencer. I'd like to say it gets easier, but in reality it doesn't. Even the diseased minds don't deserve to die like that. Lock them up, put them away sure, but killing is never easy. I never wanted you to have to do that. You want to know a secret?"
Spencer looked up at him with pain and anguish in his eyes, "What?"
"I was secretly happy you couldn't shoot worth crap," Aaron smiled slightly, trying to lighten the mood a little.
"Why? How can I be effective in the field…" Spencer was a little angry and thought Aaron was making fun of him.
"Because, then you could always be Dr. Spencer Reid, genius, slightly naïve and innocent".
Spencer frowned slightly confused by what Aaron was trying to tell him.
"Aaron, I'm not innocent.."
Aaron smiled a real full smile and it caught at Spencer's heart, it was rare for the Unit Chief to smile like that and it made Spencer feel special somehow.
"Reid, you will always be a little bit innocent". Aaron kissed the top of Spencer's head, then laid back against the shower, his thoughts conflicted. He had to get home, but he was loathe to leave. It was Spencer who finally made the decision.
"Aaron, you should go home. And just so you know, I will never regret this evening". Aaron got up and they both finished showering. After drying off, Aaron got dressed and made his way home. While driving his heart was breaking a little and silent tears ran down his face. He pulled up to his house, dried off his face and settled his mask back into place.
It was late when he crawled into bed beside his wife but he pulled her to him for the comfort, but at the same time was wishing it was someone else.
Reid crawled into bed after Aaron had left and realized just how empty his bed was. He didn't regret what happened; he was regretting what could have been. He pulled a pillow into himself wishing it was a certain body instead.
The next day Reid made it in a few minutes after Hotch, which wasn't unusual. What was unusual was the fresh cup of gourmet coffee and bear claw sitting on his desk waiting for him. He looked up to his Unit Chiefs office and after a second their eyes met. Reid raised the cup and smiled, Hotch dipped his head slightly in acknowledgement and the two quickly went to work.