It was the night of the wedding rehearsal dinner. The first time their two families would be together, and Ianto was like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Ianto was looking fantastic in his pinstripe suit and Jack's fingers had itched to pull on that perfectly Windsor-knotted tie. As they headed for the car, Ianto had stopped and placed his hands on Jack's shoulders.
"I love you. Please know, no matter what happens tonight, that I love you." Ianto seemed so sincere that Jack didn't laugh, but it definitely did nothing to ease the butterflies in his gut.
The car was Ianto's brand new Austin Martin. He felt weird about it but Jack had insisted he accept it as a wedding gift, and Ianto was now horrified at the cufflinks in his bedside drawer for Jack. Cufflinks for a car?
It was dark green, almost black, and Ianto had been so excited that Jack had got very little sleep that night. Even the little car seat that Jack had sourced to fit was perfect. Ianto told himself to stop looking for mistakes and embrace this thing. He was trying, but really? Jack had assured Ianto that his family had more money that sense, and now Ianto knew it was going to be a disaster. The gun through the window should have been expected, right?
So here they were, driving through darkened streets with a gun to his head and Jack having some sort of fit in the passenger seat. Ianto thanked god for Tosh taking Walter ahead with her and Owen so he and Jack could have a little time together before leaving. Still, the empty car seat in the back kept mocking Ianto in the mirror.
"You sure this isn't Idris playing a joke?" Jack asked for at least the tenth time, and Ianto beat the carjacker in his snarled response to shut up.
They drew up to an intersection and it erupted with lights and sounds. Sirens, screaming, and Jack reaching between the seats to pummel the would-be carjacker was a little too much.
Ianto struggled from the seatbelt and fell from the car. On his hands and knees, he crawled from the car as Jack's roars of rage were accompanied by shouts as his colleagues tried to pull him from the now unconscious idiot who'd chosen the wrong car.
Ianto found himself on the kerbside vomiting into the gutter, Captain Smith gently rubbing his shoulders as he told him Jack had actually been texting him during the journey instead of playing with himself. He looked up just in time to see the Taser. Jack jiggled and flailed inside the small space before finally resting, and hysterical laughter threatened as the boys in blue pulled two unconscious men from the car.
With Jack under the streetlamps, many now recognised the face of the man they'd just tased, and an argument broke out over who would claim responsibility. All the while, the carjacker was quietly sliding along the back of the car in a bid for freedom.
"Oi! Mandems. Ya slip one more step in da dark and I end yas!" Idris's voice rang out.
Ianto looked up with horror as Idris stepped into the light with his entourage. The men had their guns drawn and their teeth exposed in snarls as they advanced on the hapless carjacker. On his way to the rehearsal dinner, Idris had happened upon this strange scene. He was not a happy bunny. Obviously recognising the head of the Hoodlums, the man fell to his knees and begged for mercy.
The police naturally drew right back and a standoff ensued. Ianto decided this was enough.
"All of you, put your fucking guns away before I kill someone!" Ianto roared as he stalked between the two factions.
"Idris? You gonna be da man? Snug it away?" Ianto demanded as he pointed at the stub nose gun.
The police stood open-mouthed as one of the most feared local identities hung his head and meekly holstered his weapon, as did the other three.
"Monkey, hows bouts ya help da blues wit dat randem?" Ianto spoke to the large gorilla in a suit.
The man Ianto called Monkey was built like a WWE wrestler, and taking two huge steps forward, he picked up the carjacker by his shirt with one hand, then threw him into the fray of blue uniforms.
"Stinky, ya need to let the wee chippies be, mon! Jesus Christ Almighty on a Harley! Wot yas wearin', mon? Ya mammy's curtains?" Ianto turned his attention to the other bodyguard, who must have needed most of the backseat for himself. Stinky shrugged in his Hawaiian shirt and grinned at Ianto as his chins folded like a fan.
"And as for you, ya bloody beanpole. Shit skidmark. Thems is mental kicks, brodah!" Ianto looked at the shoes with open awe.
The skinny man preened and turned a foot sideways so Ianto could see that the blue neon light went all the way around the tread, and Ianto stifled a snort.
"Dey takes a whole AA battery each Toto!" he proudly told Ianto as he did a twirl on his heels and then proceeded to moonwalk in the glowing shoes.
Idris stared at his gang member with open horror, then looked at the shoes.
"You didn't have those when you got in the car, boy!" he pointed at the shoes.
"Did too. Just needed to change da batteries, mon!" the answer came.
Jack regained consciousness to laugher as the police and Skidmark's friends all brayed.