"The rings," Gwen gasped as she bent at the waist, showing the assembled men her ample cleavage with a gap much wider than the one between her teeth. "We don't know what Walter did with the bloody rings."
"Walter? You let him hold the rings, ya daft mare?" Owen screeched before turning to Jack and Ianto with horror. Jack shook his head and looked about for help as Ianto leant into his face.
"Bloody jinxer!" he hissed, then turned and called out across the seated guests. "Walter! Get your bloody suited bum in here right now and you better have those rings, young man!"
Tosh's heels clicked as she hurried into the room with her bouquet of flowers carried by Martha, who was following her. The red rosebuds peeking out amongst the orchids had been the red concession and Jack thought Tosh looked like a bride herself as she hurried to reach them in her Sailor Moon-style dress. Owen's soft sigh was lost in the commotion.
"Myfanwy has them, I think," she hissed, looking at Gwen with open hostility.
"Fanny? What is she doing here?" Ianto was bewildered now.
"Walter wanted her to walk him up the aisle so she agreed and I think he put them down and she … well, you know." Tosh waved her hands, and Jack gasped as he imagined her eating the rings.
"Bullshit!" Ianto said, loud enough for his tad to gasp.
Walter toddled into view holding Myfanwy's collar. He had the ring pillow and the glint of gold told Ianto the rings were still there. He glared at Gwen and pointed.
"Oh God. She must have been sitting on them," she giggled as she rushed back down the aisle. "Come on you big bitch, let's get moving."
Jack's mother froze halfway back to her seat and slowly turned to give the full Harkness Glare at Gwen, who rushed past oblivious to the misunderstanding. Ianto felt the hysteria rising and looked at the ceiling as he recited the vows in his head.
This was when one of Gwen's tits fell out. It couldn't have been more out unless it had rolled across the floor like a cantaloupe, and Ianto looked down the aisle just in time to see Idris struggling to push it back into the dress. Everyone was still facing the front. They all saw Ianto's face, and the tide turned. A huge Mexican wave descended towards the back, where Gwen was squeaking and Idris now had his hand stuck under said errant boob. Martha was approaching from behind Gwen with a look of murder about her, and Walter had begun a regal march up the aisle with rings attached.
As Martha began to beat them both about the head with Tosh's bouquet, Ianto erupted into peals of laughter. Walter finally reached the front and beamed up at his hysterical father. Ianto knelt and accepted the rings with a kiss to his little monster's cheek before handing it to Owen with a sob of mirth.
They continued the vows. Gray gave a snort of surprise as his pants fell down, and Jack didn't even look back. Ianto watched as Gray struggled to pull them up over his bright orange silk boxers, and the titters in the crowd did not help Ianto's struggle to swallow his mirth.
"Do you, Jackson …"
"Yes! Bloody yes! We did this bit. He's mine, now get on with it." Jacks own hysteria was bubbling to the surface as Ianto snorted again.
"Ditto for me before you start," Ianto giggled out, and steadied himself for the next bit.
"Oh. Um. Well, er … You each wrote something?" the poor man was shell-shocked.
"Yes! Me first!" Jack demanded, and Ianto giggled again.
"Ianto. I love you. More than I thought possible. I thought love like this was fairy-tale magic and romantic comedies." Jack had to stop as a giggle of his own erupted, and he kissed Ianto's hands before continuing. "I now know true love and I will never doubt its power again. I love you."
Ianto raised an eyebrow to ask if he was finished, and Jack nodded as a tear rolled down his cheek. Ianto leaned over and tasted it as he kissed him.
"Jack," Ianto said with a solemn face but dancing eyes. "I love you back. When I lost Lisa I thought I would never love again. It was just me and Walt against the world. Now I have you in my world I'll embrace it and never fight alone again. You and me and Walt. This is it. The whole world!"
"Erm, yes, kiss then," the celebrant encouraged with a clap.
As they kissed, the place exploded with cheers, yells, and more than a little pent up laughter.