1 two finger emergency

Chapter 9 fuggin ding

"I bid my fugging dung!"

Ianto felt the line of fine suits hanging neatly on the rack and sighed as a feeling of home stole into his bones. Warmth filled his mind and a calm fell over him. The familiar smell of cedar wood and cinnamon assaulted his senses. With a groan he sank into the pile of fake fur coats in one corner and soon slipped over into never-never land.

The lights dimmed and the air grew warmer as the Tardis gently rocked her precious cargo. She liked this one. So small in voice but large of heart. Definitely had potential as a companion. His scent was familiar so he was something obviously belonging to her now. She felt it deep in her glowing heart; this was a child of time. She started rearranging the room around him as the furs rose and shifted. Becoming a bed of sorts and the clothes she felt would suit him stayed as she shuffled through her options.

He shifted and rocked with the moving bed but didn't wake as she decided what to do to make the room his. She guessed his colours were warm and the walls pulsed and turned a warm dark velvety red. Ianto stirred in his sleep and she hummed an old galafreyan lullaby to calm him as she continued to build his room.

Yes, this baby bird was definitely in need of a mother hen. He murmured in his sleep and she felt a surge of love as she recognised the name he had cried out in his sleep a second time with an accompanying smile of pleasure. His dreams were happy and they were of her Jack.


Soft hands and warm breath woke him slowly. The way the hands were pulling at his trousers while the lips at his throat were punctuated by wet tongue flicks caused a moan to rumble through Ianto's chest.

He lifted his hips as tugging eagerly encouraged his trousers to slide down. The lips that gently tasted him were soft and Ianto felt his own lips open to invite more attention. As a tongue flicked around his gums, a hand found his cock and it began stroking in that way Jack always began with when playing.

With ease he felt himself flipped to his stomach as his clothing fell away and the hands continued a gentle but persistent examination of him. Rubbing his face into the fur pelts, Ianto sighed and felt a purr beginning from the administrations of his lover.

As a finger slid down between his arse cheeks in search of a home three things occurred to Ianto and he squirmed under the addition of another finger in rapid succession.

1. This hand was smaller than Jack's.

2. He was getting naked In the Tardis Wardrobe.

3. This was NOT going to happen!

With a roar of anger he threw his head back and felt more than heard the satisfying crunch of bone meeting bone. He continued to rise and turn to face his assailant and found a spluttering John Hart on his knees with blood dripping from his open mouth.

He continued the pivot on his ankle and swung his fist as he rose and the dull thwack as he connected with John's nose was most satisfying. Following it up with a head-butt seemed the most logical thing to do so … yeah, he did! Thud!

John lay dazed at Ianto's feet as he snarled down at him. The shock on John's face was partially obscured by John's hands waving in a sign of surrender.

"I bid my fugging dung!" John slurred, spitting blood as he rose to place his now flaccid cock back in his pants.

"Your fugging Dung? Your fucking tongue! Would you rather I bit something else for you mother fucker!" Ianto roared as his fist connected with John's already sore jaw.

They felt a lurch and then a shout of the room tilted. The door flew open and the Doctor entered at such a fast tack that he flew into John's back, sending them both into Ianto.

With a snort of triumph Ianto took the opportunity to clamp his teeth onto John's earlobe and John's shriek of pain filled the room. With a shout of anger the Doctor threw John back into a row of shirts displaying strength Ianto had not realised the man possessed before reaching for Ianto's collar.

"That's enough of that you … you … er … barbarian!" he fumed.

"Me? Typical! You're as bad as Captain Fuck-them-all! That fucking maniac tries to rape me and I'm the one to blame for fighting back." Ianto ranted as he started to stumble about while pulling his pants up and fighting for the door, "Yeah, right. Getting what I deserve for being a bloody useless part-time shag! Fuck you Very Much Doctor Arsehole!"

Before he could reach the doorway it slammed shut, effectively shutting them in.

John started to laugh and he bent to grab his knees in an effort to remain upright.

"Doctor Arsehole, Captain Fuck-them-all! By the Gods eye-candy I hate to think what you call me!" he chortled.

"That's easy" Ianto deadpanned "Captain Baby Dick might suffice."

"OI!" now the Doctor was enraged and the room became quite small. Both men fell to silence and stared in fear at the being that commanded their attention.

He paused and looked at his feet before again looking at Ianto's unemotional mask.

"Rape?" the Doctor began again as the room returned to its natural order.

Ianto took a breath but the Doctor's finger stopped him. He stood listening and Ianto tried to hear what had taken his attention.

He touched my little one! He tried to hurt my little sparrow. The Colourful peacock placed his hands on the gentle one, pulling at his trousers and kissing him while he was resting in my furs. I was soothing him and he was happy. He only threw his head back to hit his attacker. He said he bit his fugging dung!

The voice was soft and effeminate. Ianto was transfixed by its ethereal chimes and the giggle that followed the exclamation was beautiful.

"Huh? Gentle? Are you kidding? Look at this man's face" the Doctor snorted.

"Where are you?" Ianto found himself smiling and looking for the owner of the voice.

My little bird moved like liquid gold, so graceful and strong. He's a natural. As for the other riff-raff! He was improper and I might dump him with the wastewater if he's not careful!

The Doctor was looking at John was disgust and turned to Ianto in surprise. He slowly approached the Welshman and looked into his face.

"Did you really hear her?" he asked with a childish glee.

"She's lovely. Where is she? Ianto smiled.

"Oooooooo, aren't you rare!" the Doctor clapped his hands in delight as he looked at Ianto and Ianto felt the urge to look in the mirror in case he was dressed like Alice since he was clearly down the bloody rabbit hole in front of the mad hatter.

"Hear what? Who?" John had recovered his dignity and was looking at them both with growing suspicion.

The Doctor chose to ignore the question and instead turned to face John. With a frown he eyeballed John into silence.

"Bad John! Bad, Bad John" he wagged his finger and John looked like a three year old caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

Turning back to Ianto he dismissed John and pulled Ianto into a hug. They left the room and John sank with a groan into the furs as he finally admitted to the pain he was in.

Who would have known eye-candy was quicker than a rattlesnake and twice as deadly with those long limbs. No wonder Jack liked him. I bet he fights like a tiger in the dark. John grinned at the thought of Jack on his knees in front of his lover and groaned again as his arousal reminded him of his bruising.

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