Bleach Spoofing

Meet Team Aizen

Chapter 3: Meet Team Aizen

Author's Note: How come no one reviewed saying my favorite character was Orihime? Oh well just because I love you readers here is the chapter I was planning to put the snip it with. Review!

Everyone has their own arch nemesis, someone they long to kill even if it means sacrificing yourself for what you believe to be for the greater good. Sasuke Uchiha has Itachi Uchiha, Light Yagami has L, and even our hero Batman has the joker.

Ok, that's fine and all, but who's my nemesis? It seems to change in every arc doesn't it? Well besides the evil doings of asparagus, I really can't stand Sosuke Aizen... But asparagus is still far worse!

Ichigo Kurosuki

P.S. Thank you islandgirl15 for help with writing some of Gin's speech, because you probably know as well as I do how hard that stuff is to write correctly.

P.S.S. Thank you phantom130 5 for coming out with another brain melting chapter of this junk!

P.S.S.S. The last comment about phantom130 5 was sarcastic… How do you write sarcasm into a story?

"Gin, what is taking you so long?! I'm starving!" A brown haired man called out.

The brown haired man was none other than Sosuke Aizen. He sat on the couch with his long time best friend Kaname Tōsen as they watched Sponge Bob Square Pants on TV.

"Give it up already." Kaname replied with a shrug, "Gin isn't coming back. He has been in that kitchen for hours. There is no way it takes that long to make peanut butter and jelly!"

Suddenly a loud crash was heard from the kitchen across the hall. It sounded almost as if someone had just charged head first into a wall.

"What was that?! Sosuke called out in shock as he and Kaname ran over to the kitchen for further inspection.

The two entered the room to find Gin lying on the floor with his eyes shut. A plate of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches lay beside him in a mess on the floor.

At this Sosuke let out a long aggravated groan. "Gin, how many times have I told you to keep your eyes open?"

"Sorry, Sosuke. I was just wonderin' what it was like ta see like Kaname, ya know, with him bein' blind an' all."

Kaname put his hand on his forehead in frustration. "You made us miss Sponge Bob for this!"

"Sponge Bob's on?" Gin questioned; his eyes suddenly shooting open in interest. "Why didn't ya' tell me anythin' earlier?"

Kaname shrugged. "Didn't think it would matter... Then again I also didn't think it would take you so long to figure out how to make a simple sandwich that even a preschooler could make."

Gin frowned. "It's not ma' fault I'm blind!"

Kaname growled. "You're not blind! You just never open your eyes!"

Gin was about to argue when Sosuke put his hand in between the two boys, thus cutting the bickering short.

"Now, boys, let's not fight. After all, what's more important: this silly fight or your friendship?" Sosuke asked.

"The fight." Gin said.

"Definitely the fight." Kaname added.

Sosuke sighed and he thought he was going to be his friends' voice of reason too.

"Alright then, go and kill each other." Sosuke urged with an eye roll.

"Actually even more than that, I'd rather watch Sponge Bob." Kaname said.

"Too bad. Look at the time. Tis already six a'clock. Sponge Bob is over." Gin said with a pout.

Sosuke frowned. "Care to see what Ichigo is up to?" He asked.

"Sure tat sounds like fun!" Gin cheered.

"I would have rather watched Sponge Bob ..." Kaname confessed.

Meanwhile back at the Soul Society Ichigo was doing battle with an evil asparagus. Orihime, Chad, Uryū, Rukia, Renji, Kenpachi, and Yachiru impatiently sat around the dinner table, waiting for the boy to make his final move.

"Come on Ichigo! Finish him off!" Yachiru cheered.

"But I don't want to!" Ichigo whined with tears flowing down his cheeks as he stuck his fork into the dreaded vegetable.

"He won't die until you eat him." Renji said.

"Come on Ichigo, it's just an asparagus! Stop being such a big baby and eat it already!" Rukia snapped.

"I'd rather die at the hand of Aizen!" Ichigo whined.

"Consider your wish granted." Sosuke said as he walked into the room with Gin and Kaname, the group suddenly appearing from out of nowhere.

Ichigo's eyes widened and he quickly shoved the asparagus into his mouth.

"Look I was only joking about the killing thing!" He said with his mouth full. "Please don't kill me!"

Sosuke smiled and leaned in close to Ichigo, placing his hand on the boy's chin.

"You know, you could always use bleach to get rid of that vegetable." Sosuke said with a smile as he tried to sound as intimidating as possible.

"Don't worry. Aizen-sama isn't here ta kill ya'." Gin said. "We just wanted ta give ya' a scare."

"So boo." Kaname said causing Kenpachi to scream and hide behind Yachiru for protection.

"Aizen, I've already accepted your friend request on Facebook. What more do you want from me?" Ichigo asked.

"I don't want much from you, my little Shinigami. I'd just like to apologize for fighting you earlier and you know, causing you to lose your Shinigami powers." Sosuke said. "If it's alright with you I'd like to become real life friends as well as Facebook friends."

Chad smiled. "You should take his apology Ichigo. Nothing says trustworthy like someone who tried to kill you once!"

Uryū's jaw dropped. "That's not true! In fact anything or anyone else would be more trustworthy than this guy!"

Chad put his hand on Uryū's shoulder. "Ignore him. He's still bitter because Aizen switched from glasses to contacts."

Uryū crossed his arms and pouted. "I'm not ... But even if I was why'd you switch bro? Glasses are amazing."

Sosuke frowned. "Actually about that ... I'm really not wearing contacts. I just hate the way glasses made me look. Momo said they made me look like a nerd ... But I really like the contact lens idea though! So thank you! I didn't even think of that!"

"You're not welcome." Uryū said.

"So wait, Aizen you're supposed to wear glasses, but never do, Kaname is blind, does that make Gin the only one in your trio with 20/20 vision?" Rukia inquired.

"It does, but alas, I'd like to be blind like Kaname." Gin said, seeming proud of himself for that announcement.

"What is wrong with you?" Kaname snapped. "If you'd like to switch eyes with me somehow, then go ahead!"

"Hold on guys, this isn't Naruto. You can't just go around giving away your eyes whenever you wish." Sosuke said. "It's a lot more difficult to switch your eyes than anime makes it seem. Trust me, I've tried. Anyways Ichigo, what do you say about becoming my friend?"

"... I'm not sure ..." Ichigo confessed. "I mean aren't you still evil?"

"I am, but if you do it I'll throw in a legendary Mew pokémon card."

Ichigo's face lit up. "You've got a deal!"

Later that day Sosuke and Ichigo huddled outside of Head-Captain Yamamoto's office.

"What are we doing here?" Ichigo asked.

"I thought since we were friends maybe you'd do me a best friend job. Is that fine with you buddy?" Sosuke asked.

"That depends, what kind of job do you want me to do?" Ichigo asked.

Sosuke pulled a baseball bat out from his Shinigami uniform. "Go over and hit Yamamoto over the head with this. Please."

"What? Why would I do a foolish thing like that?" Ichigo asked.

"It's because you already said you'd be my best friend." Sosuke explained.

"Wait, I've only said I'd be your friend. I never said anything about being besties!" Ichigo said sternly. "Also I think you're a bit of a bad influence."

"Nonsense. I'm not a bad influence." Sosuke said, trying to wave off Ichigo's doubt, then he handed the boy the bat. "Now go out there and knock that nice old man unconscious for me."

"I wonder what my dad would say about this." Ichigo pondered out loud. "As a kid he'd always tell us never to hit our elders over the head with a baseball bat."

"He did?" Sosuke questioned.

"Yeah, he'd say that every night before tucking me into bed. It was odd just how specific that advice was. But if you'd like I could always hit him over the head with a frying-pan. My father never said anything about that."

"Oh ..." Sosuke muttered. "I don't have a frying-pan with me ..."

"Don't worry I brought one." Ichigo said, pulling the said pan out from his Shinigami uniform.

Sosuke smiled. "I knew I could count on you boy."

After the incident took place Ichigo and Sosuke sat together in an ice cream parlor. Ichigo had ordered a Soul Reaper Sundae, while Aizen had the Evil Split.

"Good job earlier today buddy." Sosuke praised. "You're really good with the frying-pan."

"Thanks." Ichigo said, beaming. "Don't tell my father, but I hit him once with the bat too, just to see what it felt like."

"Oh! You're quite a rebel." Sosuke said, seeming pleased.

"Yes, but please don't tell my dad!"

"I won't. But there is someone else that I want you to hit over the head with a frying-pan for me."


"Well first off you should know he's a lot more dangerous than our old Head-Captain 'Yahoo'. His name is Ichigo Kurosaki."

"Hey that's me!" Ichigo stated in surprise.

Aizen chuckled. "Yes, I want you to knock yourself over the head with a frying-pan because that's how evil I am!"

"No way!" Ichigo retorted. He stood up to go, but Aizen grabbed his hand and stopped him.

"Where do you think you're going? You will hit yourself over the head with a frying-pan or else we're no longer besties in real life."

Ichigo gulped and frantically looked for an excuse of any sort to get away from this awkward situation, but he could not think of anything, and then Chad walked into the Ice Cream Parlor. Chad instantly noticed Ichigo and Aizen and walked over to greet his friends.

"Hey guys, I'm glad to see you two are getting along." Chad said.

"What gave you that impression?" Ichigo muttered.

"Well for starters, you're holding hands." Chad pointed out, referring to the fact that Aizen still had a good grasp on Ichigo's arm as not to let the Shinigami-boy escape.

"He tried to get me to hit myself over the head with a frying-pan!" Ichigo shouted.

"So?" Chad questioned. "Why don't you do it?"

"It'll hurt." Ichigo whined.

"You don't know unless you try." Sosuke said.

"Just do it Ichigo." Chad said.

Ichigo shook his head and used his strength to free himself from Aizen's grip.

"Aizen, you're a bad influence on me! I'm not giving back my Mew pokemon card, but I don't want to be real life besties with you anymore! From now on we're only Facebook friends!" Ichigo snapped before running out of the parlor.

After that, Aizen looked to Chad and gave the boy a devious smile.

"How would you like to be my friend?" Aizen asked.

-phantom130 5 (October 2012)

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