Bleach Spoofing

The Ulquiorra Dating Game!

Chapter 6: The Ulquiorra Dating Game

That's right ladies it's the Ulquiorra Dating Game!

"Ichigo wake up!" Ichigo's father, Isshin Kurosaki yelled while knocking on Ichigo's bedroom door.

Ichigo lazily walked out of the bedroom in his footy batman pajamas and yawned loudly. "Dad it's the middle of the morning; what do you want?"

"One of your friends is here. He's waiting on the couch for you." Isshin said, and then he leaned over to whisper in Ichigo's ear. "Between you and me, he really needs some sun. If you could convince him to walk with you on the beach or something then that would be great. I'm worried about him."

Ichigo sighed and made his way downstairs to see what his father was talking about. The orange haired boy gave a shriek of terror when he saw that Ulquiorra was the one sitting on the couch waiting for Ichigo to wake up.

"Morning." Ulquiorra greeted casually.

"Um ... Good morning ..." Ichigo replied, none too easily. "What are you doing here? Haven't we already stopped you from taking over the world once?"

"You have, but there's something I need to ask."

"If you want me to surrender earth and allow all its residents to be dictated by Aizen it's no deal." Ichigo replied.

"No, no it's nothing like that!" Ulquiorra assured. "Although if you want to serve Aizen then I'm fine with that too. But what I really want from you is a girlfriend."

"A girlfriend?" Ichigo gasped, nearly choking in surprise. "W-why?"

Ulquiorra sighed. "Look Ichigo, in this world I've gotten everything that I've ever wanted; an antagonistic role in a popular anime/manga, great looks, and a chance at a kidnapping, but the one thing I've never gotten ..."

"Wait, that's all you ever wanted? Dude, that's kind of sad." Ichigo interrupted.

"Shut up! Look are you going to listen to my emo sob story or not?"

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Sorry go on about how much it sucks to get everything you've ever wanted."

"As I was saying, the only thing I still want is a girlfriend!"

Ichigo nodded half heartedly. "Ok, and what do you need me for?"

"Where can I find a girl that will be my friend?"


"Look, I'm not familiar with these earthly customs. If it weren't for Love Hina I wouldn't even know what the term 'girlfriend' means, but one thing that still baffles even me is how do you find one?"

Ichigo laughed. "You really are clueless aren't you? Well I mean love ... Look; I don't know anything about it. I mean look at me. You'd think if I were even the slightest bit romantic then out there somewhere there should be someone who has a crush on me. But I've got a pretty good eye for when a girl likes me and so far no one does."

In the distance Orihime, Rukia, Riruka, and Nel all hid out of Ichigo's window spying on him in secret. In unison the four girls ducked into a bush and began to whisper amongst each other.

"Men ..." Nel started bitterly.

"I know." Riruka added.

"They're just so clueless." Orihime said.

At that moment Ichigo peeked out the window and saw the three girls huddled together in a corner.

"I thought I heard someone!" Ichigo said cheerfully. "You girls should come inside rather than having to bare the cold, December weather. I was just telling Ulquiorra about how no one loves me. Maybe you girls can tell him about your boyfriends."

"... Ichigo, none of us have a boyfriend ..." Rukia said blandly.

"But we'd love to come in just the same!" Orihime added.

"No, no, no, that's not how you do it!" Came a sadistic voice from inside Ichigo's house. "Trust me I'm the one you should speak to if you have any questions about love."

The group turned their heads in time to see a talking stuffed lion approach.

"Oh it's you Kon. What does a kid's plushie know about girls that I don't?" Ichigo asked mockingly.

"Well for starters I have an idea of how to find Ulquiorra a date. I saw it on TV once." Kon explained.

"What's your idea?" Ulquiorra asked.

"A game show."

"A what?"

"A game show; first we'll advertise saying anyone who wants to date Ulquiorra can be a contestant, then we'll keep the girls behind a curtain and have Ulquiorra ask them questions and at the end of the show Ulquiorra will get to pick his favorite of the contestants to date!"

"... Interesting ..." Orihime muttered. "Do you really think it'll work?"

"I know it will!" Kon assured.

"Kon, that's actually a pretty good idea!" Ichigo exclaimed cheerfully.

"No, that's a terrible idea! It will never work!" Rukia retorted, but Ichigo ignored her.

"Which one of you ladies wants to be Ulquiorra's lucky lady?" Ichigo asked looking to the group of girls.

The girls instantly huddled into a group and for the second time today went into a heated whispered debate. Finally Rukia stepped out from the circle. She gave a reluctant sigh and then answered.

"We agree to enter this contest only because we all really want a boyfriend." She explained.

"Plus Ulquiorra's kind of hot." Riruka added, her cheeks turning bright red.

The following day, Kon stood on top of a stage beside Ulquiorra. In front of the two were four curtained rooms similar to voting booths. Although the curtained rooms didn't fully conceal every contestant they did a good job at hiding their identity.

Kon turned to face off stage and gave a thumbs up to the empty theater audience. This was meant to be Ichigo's cue. The orange haired boy, Chad, and Hanatarō Yamada ran out from behind the stage and positioned their cameras so that they were ready to film.

"Good afternoon Karakura Town!" Kon said excitedly. "Welcome, to the first ever edition of the Ulquiorra dating game!"

From behind his camera Hanatarō started clapping and hollering excitedly in an attempt to make up for the lack of viewers.

"Thank you. Thank you." Kon said while bowing. "Ulquiorra, you can begin by asking the contestants anything you want."

"Who are you?" Ulquiorra asked.

"I'm Orihime." Contestant number one said.

"I'm Rukia." Said contestant number two.

"I'm Nel." Said contestant number three.

"I'm Riruka." Said Contestant number four.

"You weren't supposed to ask that!" Kon yelled. "The contestants' identities were supposed to be kept secret until the end of the show so that there would be no bias!"

"It's not like it would have mattered anyway." Ichigo prompted.

"Why not?" Kon retorted.

"Well our contest doesn't even have any voice disguisers. It would have been so easy for Ulquiorra to know who's who just by recognizing a voice."

Kon shook his head. "Not quite. Contestant number one, please say something."

"Like what?" The girl asked.

"Do you hear that voice?" Kon questioned. "Now tell me is that Orihime or my favorite voice actress Stephanie Sheh?"

"It's Orihime. She already admitted to that." Ichigo replied.

"True, but if she hadn't that would totally what you'd be asking me right now." Kon said with a wink.

"... Not really, but close enough." Ichigo confessed. "Anyways, let's just get back to the show."

Kon nodded and faced directly at the camera. "Ok, Ulquiorra, even though you've already ruined the surprise you're still allowed to ask more questions."

Ulquiorra thoughtfully tapped his chin. "Number one, if I were to ever kidnap you again in the future what beverage would you like me to bring you?"

"What kind of question is that?" Ichigo and Kon asked in unison.

"Sorry, I'm not good at thinking on the spot." Ulquiorra confessed.

"... Clearly not ..." Chad muttered with an eye roll.

"Well that's a hard question." Contestant number one said. "To be honest I never thought to ask myself that one before."

"... No duh." Ichigo muttered.

"But I suppose if anything I could really go for a glass of Kool Aid." Contestant number one said.

"What color?" Ulquiorra asked excitedly.

"Red." Contestant number one answered.

"Wow, me too!" Ulquiorra cheered. "Contestant number three, what is your most unique feature?"

"I can go from being really short to being really tall!" The girl cheered.

"Interesting ..." Ulquiorra muttered. "That would come in really handy when mommy hides the cookie jar on the top shelf so that I can't reach it."

"I like cookies!" Contestant number three cheered.

"You still live with your mommy?" Ichigo snorted.

"So? You still live with your dad!" Ulquiorra retorted.

"Touché, but even still I never pictured you to still live with mommy. I mean aren't you like a thousand years older than me in human years?" Ichigo asked.

"Not sure." Ulquiorra admitted. "Contestant number two, do you ever have trouble remembering your age?"

"I always do." Contestant number two said. "I mean how couldn't I? I look like I'm eighteen, but really I'm like ... What, a couple thousand years old? How could that not be confusing?"

Ulquiorra clapped his hands excitedly. "Yay, I was so worried that I was the only one with that problem!" Ulquiorra turned to look to the camera man. "Ichigo, I think I know who I'm going to date!"

"Aren't you going to ask me a question?" Contestant number four said angrily.

"Oh ... Uh ... Yeah, sorry I forgot about you ... Um ... What's your all time favorite holiday special?" Ulquiorra asked.

"I've always enjoyed Frosty the Snowman." Contestant number four said.

Ulquiorra shook his head in shame. "See, I can already tell you that it wouldn't work. You see you're a Frosty person where as I'm more of a Rudolf fan."

"Oh ..." Contestant number four muttered. "You're right. I guess we can't be together then." Riruka stepped out from her booth and casually walked away from the game show.

"I like Rudolf!" Contestant number one cheered.

Ulquiorra's face lit up at that comment. "Really? You're not just messing with me are you?"

"No, it's my favorite Christmas special!"

"So Ulquiorra, you said you made your decision. Which of these girls did you pick to date?" Kon asked.

"Um ... Well I was going to say contestant number two because of the age thing, but now I'm starting to side with number one. Kon, I can't choose!" Ulquiorra said.

"It's hard isn't it? Why don't we let contestants one and two out and you can ask them the tie breaker question?" Kon suggested.

"I'd like that." Ulquiorra said. Orihime and Rukia walked out of the booths and stood up beside Ulquiorra.

"Nice to see you again." Orihime said with a pleasant bow.

"How are you Ulquiorra?" Rukia asked while taking a bow to seem polite.

"Ok, I've got a question. It's sort of a philosophy question that has been on my mind for a while." Ulquiorra stated with a shaky voice. The man seemed nervous almost as if part of him didn't believe either girl would get the answer right.

The atmosphere around Ulquiorra tightened. Even Ichigo seemed nervous. The only people that weren't afraid were Rukia and Orihime. Ironically those were the two people that should be worried most. If one of them answered to Ulquiorra's displeasure the girl wouldn't be able to date Ulquiorra.

Rukia flashed Ulquiorra a competitive smile. "Ask away." She said.

Orihime smiled and clapped her hands eagerly. "I love philosophy! Ask me anything!" She cheered.

"Ok, well I'm curious how come when you order a round pizza it always comes in a square box? I mean don't you think it's misleading? My pizza is round not square shouldn't the box be square too?"

Rukia tapped her chin. "That's a good point."

Orihime rolled her eyes. "Oh come on. Shouldn't it be obvious? All the square boxes are used for round pizza because they're using all the circular boxes for square pizza."

Ulquiorra's eyes lit up. He reached out and grabbed on to Orihime's hands. "You've answered all my questions! Orihime Inoue, will you be my girlfriend?"

"I will!" Orihime cheered. She leaned in and she and Ulquiorra quickly kissed on the lips.

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Darn it phantom130 5, you're leaving loose ends. I mean if that's true then why are circular boxes used for square pizzas?"

"Do you seriously not get this man?" Chad asked. "Square boxes are used for circular pizza, because all the circular boxes are used on square pizza and circular boxes are used for square pizza because all the square boxes are used for circular pizza. It's really not that difficult."

Ichigo sighed. "That's not what I meant."

Rukia walked off stage and playfully put her arm around Ichigo. "Looks like today you're short one less stalker." She teased.

Ichigo nodded solemnly. "You're right."

"You're going to have to confess to us who you love someday." Rukia said.

Ichigo gave a smile similar to the troll face. "True. But not in this chapter." He pulled his Zanpakutō out from on top on his back, pushed a button that changed it into an umbrella and used it to float away into the sky like Mary Poppins.

From the ground Rukia shook her fist in rage. "Darn it, Ichigo; why won't you just tell us who you like?"

-phantom130 5 (December 2012)

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