Bleach Spoofing

Yachiru& Ichigo

Chapter 8: Yachiru& Ichigo

Dedicated to Scaehime-KingofKing's Daughter

"Really 200,000,000 yen just to look after this little girl?" Ichigo asked. He sat beside Kenpachi on his bed. Yachiru was propped up on Ichigo's lap playing with a red balloon she had taken from a nearby circus clown.

"Yeah, please take her, it's only for a little while." Kenpachi pleaded. "Yachiru has been like a daughter to me, but sometimes even the best daughters can get on your last nerves."

Kenpachi looked like he wanted to speak further, but he stopped mid-speech to give Yachiru an angry glare. The little girl was playfully hitting the muscular Soul Reaper on the head with her red balloon chanting the words, "Bad Kenny, bad Kenny" over and over.

"See what I mean?" Kenpachi said with a sigh.

"I think so." Ichigo confessed. "But what should I do about it? I don't know what little kids like."

"No probably." Kenpachi said. He gave a wicked smile as he whispered the last words in Ichigo's ear. "You don't need to know what they like; only what they hate. Yachiru hates vegetables so every time she misbehaves I threaten to make her eat a salad."

Ichigo cringed. "That's horrible! What kind of father are you! I mean she's only a child! Have you no shame!"

Kenpachi shrugged. "Some people have called me a monster, but then I stuff their face with a big plate of salad and they don't dare speak to me with disrespect again. If you don't like my parenting style, think of something else. I'm out of here." Kenpachi started toward the door. Yachiru tried to chase him out, but Kenpachi held her back. "Stay here and be good to Mr. Ichigo. You're his responsibility now. I'll come and pick you up later."

Yachiru frowned, seeming unconvinced, but nodded. "Okay Kenny, whatever you say."

Faced with a challenge like he never tried to face before, Ichigo found himself having to call upon an unexpected ally. He was lucky he couldn't name anybody more suited to care for children than the evil, very dangerous, but nurturing Ulquiorra.

"Are you serious?" Ulquiorra muttered upon reading the above paragraph in this story. "How am I fit to care for kids?"

"You're a better influence than most of the other Bleach cast members." Ichigo explained. The sad part was that statement was true. Think about it; I don't think Grimmjow or Mayuri would do a very good parenting job.

"Yeah I guess." Ulquiorra said, unconvinced, "So where did she run to anyway?"

"She's out in the living room watching cartoons. My family's out today so I don't think we have to worry about hiding her."

"Hiding her? Why does that matter? Your dad already knows you're a Shinigami doesn't he?"

"Shut your mouth Mr. Spoiler!"

"Really? If one of our readers isn't that far yet, then they're way behind. They probably shouldn't even be online looking up Bleach FanFiction." Ulquiorra pointed out, but Ichigo ignored him.

"What can we do that a seven year old likes?"

"Well when I was seven I got great pleasure from watching other children suffer."

"That's because you're a sadistic, emo, jerk. We need something that a happy-go-lucky Kenpachi fan would like."

"The annual Ninja Swords Man conference is in town. It's hosted by some guy named Zabuza Momochi. Do you think she'd like that?"

"Perhaps, but I don't really want to do a whole Naruto and Bleach Spoofing cross over just yet."

"Okay... Maybe Google will help us."

"You think?" Ichigo asked. He walked over to a computer and jiggled the mouse awake.

"Ask it, where a seven year old would want to go."

"Okay," Ichigo said as he began to push down on each key at a turtle's pace, "Where is the Hkey? Oh never mind, there it is!" Where is E?"

"You type like an old man." Ulquiorra stated half heartedly with his head pressed up against his arm.

"Sorry, but why'd they have to mix up the alphabet like this? It's like learning a whole new language!"

"You should know this Ichigo."

"Well sorry that I don't spend my whole life on a computer like some people! I only know enough to navigate through the Bleach FanFiction archive and that's it."

"Hey, Google gave you got a suggestion!" Ulquiorra said, ignoring Ichigo, "What does it say?"

"It says where would a seven year old want to die." (A/N: This was an actual search result I got while trying to research where to go with this topic. I'm not trying to be incredibly morbid, but Google, why must you suggest such disturbing things?)

Ulquiorra cringed. "That's pretty grim, even by my standards."

"I'll add the word fun to my search."

"Why is it suggesting funeral?"

"Google's really depressing today..."

"Oh, this looks like a good result."

"Click it!"

"I did, but the page is taking forever to load."

"It's open now! What does it say?"

"Says the movie theater is a good place."

"Oh! Maybe I can finally see The Purge!"

"What? That will give her nightmares! We're going to watch Epic. It's a cartoon so we can't go wrong with that."

"But cartoons give me nightmares!" Ulquiorra pleaded.

"Too bad." Ichigo said, standing up, "Yachiru, we're going to the movies. Get your coat and shoes on!"

Ichigo made his way into the front room where Yachiru sat positioned in front of the T.V.

"Yachiru, are you ..." Ichigo started, but stopped himself mid-sentence, "What are you watching?"

The colorful kids' program seemed almost hypnotic. Ichigo couldn't help sitting down beside the girl and watching the screen as new images flashed past the two.

"It's Colorful Kitten. Me and Kenny always watch it." Yachiru explained excitedly.

"Colorful Kitten huh? It looks ... colorful."

At that moment Ulquiorra walked into the room fully dressed up in a fancy suit and tie.

"What's going on? I thought we were going to go." He asked.

Ichigo put a finger to his lips. "Shush, Colorful Kitten's on!"

Ulquiorra frowned, but sat himself on the couch behind the others.

"That was the greatest show ever!" Ichigo exclaimed as soon as the credits rolled.

"I'm glad Colorful Kitten learned not to kill his friends!" Ulquiorra added cheerfully, "Lessons like that are what kids really be learning these days!"

"And remember when Colorful Kitten accidently got bleach on her fur and was afraid to tell Mommy Kitten that she was using the bleach to bail off a sinking ship."

"How does that even work?" Ulquiorra asked.

"It's a cartoon. Anything can happen." Ichigo said with a shrug, "That doesn't change that fact that Colorful Kitten is the greatest show ever created!"

"It was alright I guess." Yachiru said, "Kinda wish Kenny were here though."

"Who needs Kenpachi?" Ulquiorra asked with a crazed smile on his face, "Come on Ichigo, let's watch more Colorful Kitten, I'm sure it's on somewhere!"

"I'm hungry!" Yachiru whined.

"Go find your own food." Ichigo said, ignoring the child as he frantically flipped through the channels in search of his new favorite show. Yachiru climbed onto Ichigo and bit on his arm.

"Owch!" Ichigo yelled as he dropped the remote and tried to shake the girl off, "What's that for?"

"Well you said to try to find food."

"Okay, okay, just let go of me! What do you want to eat?"

"Pizza!" Yachiru cheered, letting go of Ichigo.

"We don't have pizza." The orange haired boy replied coldly.

"Oh, okay, then, I'll settle for strawberries." Yachiru said, smiling as she bit back onto Ichigo's arm.

"Alright, alright, I'll order pizza, just please stop trying to eat me!" Ichigo said.

True to his word, Ichigo bought pizza. He took a piece and put it on Yachiru's plate. Yachiru looked at the plate, but quickly pushed it back.

"What's wrong?" Ulquiorra asked.

"I don't like onions." Yachiru said, crossing her arms.

"Here let me pick them off for you." Ulquiorra offered as he reached over for the plate.

"You can't do that!" Yachiru yelled, "They still have the taste! There are onion germs all over this piece!"

"So what do you want us to do?" Ichigo replied bitterly as he grabbed another piece for himself, "The whole pizza has onions on it If you want something else you'll have to get it yourself."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Ulquiorra asked, "We both know how Yachiru can be."

~ phantom130 5 (June 2013)

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