Pretend and no one will know
Tuesday, November 19th. 9pm. The special victims unit squadroom.
All the detectives were gone, except for Rollins and Benson. Amanda was working at her desk while Olivia was adjusting to her new office, emptying the last box and putting the picture of her & her mom over the desk. In an overwhelming moment, Liv grabbed the frame & gazed at it deeply while caressing her mom’s face on the picture, releasing a heavy sigh.
After a moment Olivia noticed that someone was still there, so she put back the frame over her desk while sneaking a peak out of the window. She noticed Amanda, head down focused on her paper work. Olivia opened the offices’s door and walked to Amanda’s desk.
“Hey” Said Liv.
Amanda surprised “Oh hey, you scared me, I thought I was alone in here.”
Liv “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you, it’s so quiet in here at this hour, what are you still doing here?”.
Amanda “I was just finishing some paper work , I’d hate to leave it for tomorrow.”
“It’s okay , give yourself a break” Liv said, concerned.
“I’m okay, don’t worry about me, five more minutes & I’ll be out of here, sergeant” Amanda said, smiling.
Liv smiled while turning her back & heading to her office, then she suddenly stopped, looked at Amanda and said “By the way, nice work today, it was pretty tough to get that scumbag to confess, you really cracked him up.”
“Thanks, but he was very predictable… the second he heard the word Jail, he almost peed his pants. Besides, it was a team effort.” Amanda smirked modeslty.
Liv smirked back “Well, I can’t wait to see his face when he’ll get sentenced.”
Amanda smiled "Tell me about it."
Liv went back to her office to finish up arranging her desk, after realizing it was getting late, she decided to turn off her computer then took her coat and purse, then she walked out of her office.
Amanda seemed to have finished her paper work.
“Hey Liv... hum... would you like to go grab a drink or something?” Amanda asked her superior.
Liv appeared to be hesitant “Rain check? I’m really sorry, but i'm very tired, I’d rather go home & get some rest. I suggest you do the same.”
“Oh...yeah...sure of course , it’s alright, g’night” Amanda stuttered disappointed.
“G’night” Liv walked out heading to the elevator.
Olivia couldn’t help but feel concerned for the Detective, she saw her disappointment after declining her invitation. Liv thought maybe Amanda needed someone to talk to? or maybe just a drink with her colleague? She was not from NYC, so she didn't have any friends around here.
Olivia got into her car, turned the engine on & stood there for a minute, still feeling somehow concerned & guilty thinking to herself that she’d make it up to her tomorrow night, she’d offer her a drink & maybe get to know her a little better.
Amanda still at her desk, decided it was time to get going, she wrapped her stuff up & left the squadroom heading to her empty appartment. After arriving at her place, she opened the door & turned on the lights.
“Oh for god's sake...how long have you been here & you haven’t even been able to make friends? how Pathetic…always shutting off people...” Amanda sighed murmuring to herself.
Amanda headed to the bathroom & started taking off her clothes to take a bath. Fifteen mins later after she was done bathing, She headed to her bedroom to dry herself up, then put on a white shirt & shorts. over her bed was lying a towel that she grabbed to dry her hair up.
Nonchalantly she walked into the kitchen to get a beer, then settled herself up on the couch while turning on the tv & taking a sip of her beverage. One hour later, feeling her eyelids getting heavier, Amanda stood up & headed to the bathroom to brush her teeth then desperately walked back to her bedroom, particularily despising that moment since she knew what was she gonna go through. it was the same story practically every night. she sat on the edge of her bed to set on the alarm then turned off the lights. she tucked herself in the bed & closed her eyes hoping that the nightmares she'd been having ever since she got to new york won't appear tonight ... but a girl can dream, can't she?
3:00 am. Amanda Rollins' Appartment.
The appartment was quiet. The lights were off, everything seemed peaceful but that didn't last long. Amanda in her bedroom, eyes closed lying on her bed. she was heavily sweating & quivering. something wasn't right. Still asleep but fighting to get out of the dream world that she appeared to be stuck into. she rolled over into the other side of the bed, still shaking, heavily breathing, sweating ... desperatly fighting her demons.
These were Amanda Rollins' nights sleep ever since that event that happened in Atlanta 2 years ago. The day that changed her life forever. The reason why she was transferred to New york city.
6:00 am the alarm went off
Amanda opened her eyes widely, still shaking & horrified from the nightmares she was fighting all night long. she stopped the alarm while dragging her feet out of the bed and sat there for a moment trying to erase all those images from her mind.
Without even realizing what was happening to her, tears started rushing down her face, in a despair moment she grabbed her head between her shaking hands trying to get herself to calm down. Few minutes later, Amanda stood to go to the bathroom & while Gazing at the mirror, she couldn't stand what it was reflecting to her.
After washing her face & brushing her teeth, she took a quick shower then went back to her bedroom to dress up, she didnt want to spend anymore time alone in that smothering appartment, she needed some air so she grabbed her car keys & left the cold place.
she got inside her car, put her purse on the passenger's seat & stood there lost in her thoughts. images started crossing her mind. Images that she would rather forget about.
In a hopeless moment her hands began to shake uncontrollably, so she tightened her hands making fists, and after taking a deep breath, the unsustainable images finally disappeared. Amanda turned the engine on & started driving.
Wednesday, November 20th. 8:00 am. The special victims unit squadroom.
Amanda arrived down the precinct and proceeded to park her car. After penetrating the locals she called the elevator. Once the elevator's doors opened, she climbed in and pressed the 2nd floor's button.
"Hold the elevator!!" Someone yelled, right before the doors were about to close. Amanda held the doors open.
"Oh amanda, good morning!" Nick said smiling, then added "Thanks for holding it."
"Good morning. No problem," She smiled back at him.
While the elevator is going up, an awkward silence suddenly made an appearance.
"So, did you sleep well?" Nick said breaking the silence.
"Like a baby," Amanda lied .
Before she could ask him back, the elevator's doors opened.
They both got out of the elevator walking down heading to the squadroom. Amanda walked in & right after she saw all the people at the precinct , she found herself drowning in her dark thoughts again.
"Here i'm. Another day of pretend. Another day playing the super detective while bottling up my feelings. Another day pretending to be strong and dealing with this excruciating pain while having a straight face. another day pretending to be okay. but when will this pain end? how much can i stand?"
"Good morning Amanda, slept well?" Said Fin, drifting her away from her negative thoughts.
"Morning ... Like a baby" Smiling, She lied again.