Meet Team Asuma
Chapter 2: Meet Team Asuma
Welcome back to the Naruto Spoofing. If you have made it this far, it means that I've drawn you in, haven't I? Last chapter you got to meet the infamous Team Kakashi. Today, I'm going to reintroduce you to a new classic ninja squad.
A tall, black-haired man named Asuma stood across from his squad, smoking his final cigarette. The rest of his pack was scattered on the ground, all smoked recently.
Shikamaru (another, younger-looking, black-haired boy) was fast asleep under a tree. Not a soul had seen him move from that spot in ages. One might think he was dead or seriously hurt. But nope, he was apparently just fine - fine and lazy.
Choji, a chubby kid with brown hair and spirals painted on his cheeks, was stuffing his face with a bag of chips. He accidentally dropped some crumbs on the ground.
Ants quickly attacked it, loving the free food. Choji picked the chip up, glanced around to make sure no one was looking, and then gobbled it down - ants and all. You could just barely hear the ants cry for help before they were swallowed.
Ino, a peppy blonde-haired girl, was on the ground with a book on her lap. She used it as a sort of desk for the sheet of paper on which she was writing out a note to her "beloved Sasuke."
My love Sasuke,
I had that dream about you last night. We were together. You didn't bring up your brother. I'm almost ashamed to admit it, my darling Sasuke, but Itachi really is superior to you in every way.
I still love you, though; and I want to be with you. Do you love me?
Well, I guess you're allowed to avoid me, as long as you NEVER end up with Sakura!
I'm the only one for you, baby:
Ino put her pencil down and smiled dreamily at the note. It wasn't much, but she was utterly convinced this would show Sakura who Sasuke should be with.
"Ah, Sasuke melting my fudge sickle on a hot day!" Asuma shouted, killing Ino's and Choji's happy moments with Sasuke and food. Shikamaru still lay fast asleep. Not even an earthquake could wake the poor boy.
"What?" Ino asked, clearly caught off guard by her sensei's strange and abrupt comment.
"Sorry, guys. I was substitute swearing. We've got to keep this story suitable for kids nine and up, and I'm pretty limited in some of the vocabulary that I'm allowed to use, so I've got to be creative," Asuma explained.
"Well, that's certainly creative..." Ino muttered.
"Well, what's wrong, Sensei? Did you realize you forgot to pack food for training?" Choji added worriedly.
Asuma tried to fake a laugh and pretend he was happy, but he had a crazed look on his face. "No!"
"Did you find out that Sasuke loves Sakura over me?"
"No!" Asuma replied. "Guys, I'm out of smokes! I need more - stat!"
He grabbed Choji's shoulders and shook the boy. "Come on, fatty, don't you have any?"
Ino answered for him. "Asuma, you're the only smoker in this series. Personally, I think smoking is gross and a really bad habit, and so does Phantom130 5."
"Who?" Asuma asked, forgetting his crisis for a moment as he gave his female student a confused look.
"Never mind," she said, deciding it was best to just drop the subject. "But didn't we just get you a new pack today?"
"Yes, but only one pack!" Asuma complained, his face distorting to look like a mad man. "I need more! More, I tell you! Muahahaha!" he chortled, a maniacal gleam in his eyes.
'Boy, can smoking drive a person crazy...' Ino thought, and then asked, "Well, how much do you smoke a day?"
"On average I smoke about... twenty... packs..." Asuma answered casually.
Ino nearly choked on air, she was so shocked. "Asuma, don't you think that you may be a little, uhm... overly addicted?"
Asuma laughed and waved a dismissive hand. "No, not at all Ino, now go buy some - now!" Asuma said, adding the word 'now' so loudly that it had to be bolded and italicized.
"No, sorry Asuma, I've got to finish my letter to Sasuke," Ino said, looking more than a little dreamy. "I have to draw hearts on the page and then put it in an envelope and give it a kiss for good luck."
Asuma sighed. "Choji, can you help?"
"Is there food at the Ninja Cigarette Store?" Choji asked. He eyed his dwindling supply of snacks hungrily.
"No, just cigarettes... and ninja."
"Oh. Then no, thank you. I'd rather just stay here." Choji said before going back to munching on a bag of chips, content for now.
"Shika-" Asuma was going to ask for Shikamaru's help, but he remembered at the last moment that Shikamaru wouldn't help, since the boy was still asleep.
"Fine," Asuma yelled, exasperated. What kinds of students were they, anyways? "I don't need your help; I'll go by myself!"
Thankfully, his squad's training ground was amazingly close to the Ninja Cigarette Store. It was also conveniently Free Cigarette Day, too.
Asuma smiled maliciously. Since he was the only ninja that smoked, it should be easy as pie to get his cigarettes!
Or so he thought.
The Ninja Cigarette Store was a small, run-down place. Not many people even bothered to step foot into it because it seemed so shabby, almost like it would fall over just from someone leaning on it.
The place also didn't have a 'No Smoking' policy, so the smell wasn't very pleasing either.
However, Asuma didn't notice the difference. He walked in and pleasingly took in a lungful of the aroma.
"Ah, I missed this," he said contently to himself.
Kakashi stood behind the counter distributing cigarettes to anyone that came in. Although he hated the job, the Third Hokage (also known as the leader of the Village) told Kakashi he had to do it.
Asuma could see Kakashi's cigarettes were still in great supply. There was only one person left in line before him; surely Asuma would be able to smoke in no time.
The boy in front of Asuma in the line stepped up to the counter. "Hi, Kakashi-sensei, I'd like to take your whole stock of cigarettes. Believe it!"
Kakashi looked down at the boy with a puzzled expression. "Naruto, I didn't know you smoke. What are you planning?"
The blonde, also known as Naruto smiled. "Didn't you hear about the new running gag? Because of all the Sasuke haters, Sasuke's going to die every chapter! Believe it!"
A look of surprise filled Kakashi's face. "Oh, you don't say? So what's the plan for today?"
Naruto beamed and began his rant. "Well, I thought it was a good idea to stick with today's theme. So why don't we do a smoking-related death? We could pressure Sasuke into smoking and then he'll get addicted and before you know it, Sasuke will die! Believe it!"
Kakashi tapped his chin. "I like the concept, but don't you think that may take too long for one chapter? I mean it can take people years to die from smoking."
Naruto thought for a moment. "That's a good point... Do you have any better ideas? Believe it!"
"Why don't you convince him to smoke a lot all at once?" Kakashi suggested. "He can just keep smoking until he dies."
Naruto beamed at this thought. "Wow Kakashi-sensei, you're brilliant! Believe it!"
"I know I am," Kakashi replied.
Then he and the blonde worked to load all of Kakashi's stock of cigarettes onto a cart for Naruto. Asuma watched in horror while Naruto pushed the cart out to his friend Sasuke.
At last, it was Asuma's turn in line. He was a little worried that Naruto really did take all the smokes, but soon shook the feeling off, convincing himself that Kakashi still had a few packs stashed away for his 'best customer. '
"Hey, Kakashi," Asuma greeted stepping up to the counter. "Give me some smokes."
"I'm sorry, Asuma, but I just gave the last pack away to Naruto," Kakashi explained.
Asuma faked a laugh. "Oh, Kakashi, you're such a kidder! Now come on, man, where are they?"
"The smokes! Where are they?"
"Sorry, Asuma, I don't know what else to tell you. I really just gave them all away."
Asuma's expression suddenly changed from his casual appearance to a mix of extreme fear and anger. "How could you?" he yelled, grabbing Kakashi by the vest and shaking him.
"Asuma, relax." Kakashi commented between shakes.
"Don't tell me to relax! Do you know what it's like being forced to go this long without smoking? It hurts!"
Kakashi casually brushed himself free from Asuma's death grip. "Actually, I do know - I don't smoke."
Asuma pouted. "Well, I wish you could know just how much this is hurting me." Then he walked away without saying another word.
Meanwhile, somewhere else in the village, Ino was trying to gather up enough courage to talk to her love, Sasuke. She now sat with her crush at Ichiraku. Neither was aware of Naruto's devious plan.
"Thanks for treating me to ramen, Ino," Sasuke said casually.
Ino blushed. "Thanks, Sasuke. It means so much that you joined me."
"Wow, it matters to me that I joined you, too!" Sasuke stated with a smile.
"We have so much in common!" Ino said, her face growing even redder. Then she reached into her pocket and pulled out a folded-up letter from earlier. "Sasuke, I wrote this for you."
Sasuke took the letter and read it. Then he looked back up at the girl, his face contorted in confusion. "You think Itachi is superior to me in every way?"
Ino was about to reply when Naruto charged into the scene out of nowhere. His face was beaded with sweat as he forced his way between the couple.
"Man, Sasuke, I was looking for you all over! Believe it!" Naruto said.
Sasuke didn't seem pleased in the slightest to see the boy. "Naruto, what do you want?"
Naruto smiled impishly. "Come outside and I'll show you. Believe it!"
Without even looking back to Ino, Sasuke casually stood up and made his way out of the restaurant. He didn't even seem to notice that he left Ino's letter on the table.
Ino stayed where she was and waited for Sasuke to come back and pick up the letter - or at least invite her to join in whatever the two boys were doing. But Sasuke didn't, and Ino was left sitting by herself.
Crestfallen, Asuma Sarutobi sat by himself in front of the Ninja Cigarette Shop. It was getting late and he knew he should be getting back to his squad, but he really didn't feel like it yet.
A leaf blew in the wind and landed beside the man. Out of desperation, Asuma put it in his mouth.
It just wasn't the same...
"Don't give up, son," a voice from behind Asuma said, catching the black-haired man off guard.
Asuma turned his head just in time to see his father, the Third Hokage, crouch down beside him and place his hand lovingly on Asuma's shoulder.
"Dad, how did you know I was here?" Asuma asked in surprise.
The old man laughed. "I know all. Now, if those cigarettes really mean that much to you, you should go out and get them."
"Dad, are you encouraging me to smoke?" Asuma asked, seeming to be caught off guard once again by his father's antics.
The Hokage tapped his chin. "...Yeah, I guess I am, aren't I? Either way, son, don't give up. Try your best to complete your dream."
"...I'm not sure."
"It's not just for me, either. Think of the village, your friends, your family! It will be a crime for you not to! Do you know what I mean?"
Asuma smiled timidly. "You're kind of giving me mixed messages, but I think I understand."
The Hokage returned the smile and gently pushed Asuma up to his feet. "That's good. Now go get those cigarettes!"
Asuma seemed happy at first, but his confidence quickly faded. "How? You must have heard Kakashi: Naruto has them all."
The Hokage playfully slapped his son across the face. "Fool! Just go up to Naruto and ask for them back!"
"Come on just try. You won't be cool unless you do. Believe it!" Naruto said.
Naruto and Sasuke were outside together. Naruto was holding a pack of cigarettes up to the raven haired boy, trying (but failing) to get Sasuke to go along with his half-thought-out plan.
Sasuke shoved the pack back to Naruto. "If it's so cool, then why aren't you doing it now?"
"Ew, Sasuke, do you know what that does to your teeth? Believe it!"
"You're afraid, aren't you?" Sasuke teased.
"No, I'm not! Believe it!"
"Then why don't you try it?"
Naruto shook his head. "This isn't about me! Now smoke, or I'm telling your parents! Believe it!"
"My parents are dead!"
"Just do it! Believe it!"
Sasuke sighed and opened up the pack of cigarettes. Then he took one out of the box and drew it to his lips really slowly in order to increase suspense, but before it could make contact Asuma came out of nowhere, charged at Sasuke, and killed him.
Asuma laughed demonically upon seeing Sasuke's body lying on the ground. "There, he's dead! Now give me those smokes!"
- phantom130 5 (August 2010)