Naruto spoofing

Sasuke goes to Therapy

Squad 7 sat in a circle around Kakashi. Sakura held tightly to an annoyed Sasuke while Naruto sat to the left of them downing a bowl of ramen.

“I’d like you to tell me about your likes, dislikes, goals for the future, and whatever else you want to tell me.”

“I like plotting to kill my brother.” Sasuke said with his stoic expression.

Sakura raised her hand and shouted what was on her mind before Kakashi could call on her. “Sensei, I’ve seen some of what Naruto liked on Facebook and he likes some weird stuff!”

“Says the one who likes every Sasuke fan-page!” Naruto countered. “Besides, Kakashi, didn’t we already do this sort of training exercise back when we first met each other? Believe it!”

Kakashi shrugged. “We did, but interests change. For instance I used to love my coffee decaf but now I like the extra caffeine boost early in the morning.”

“...That isn’t much of a change. Believe it!” Naruto muttered.

“Well anyone else got something they’d like to share?”

“Well last night I called up Jason and we spent the whole night talking.” Sasuke said and giggled when he noticed the eyes were still on him.

“Who’s Jason?” Sakura shrieked, pulling the Uchiha away from him.

“Yeah, who’s Jason? Believe it!” Naruto added.

“Jason is...” Sasuke stammered. His face grew red. “Jason is... He’s just some guy, okay!”

“Whatever.” Kakashi said. He rolled his visible eye. “You know what; I’d rather not know what you freaks are into! Skip ahead to the part where you tell me about your dreams for the future or something stupid like that.”

“I want to eat every type of ramen... or become Hokage! Believe it!” Naruto shouted.

“You say that like becoming Hokage is your backup plan.” Sakura accused, laughing slightly.

“And should it not be? Come on Sakura, would you rather eat every type of ramen or fill out a bunch of paperwork? Believe it!”

“He’s got a point.” Sasuke agreed. “In fact, maybe I should....”

“Don’t you dare! Believe it!” Naruto snapped.

“And Sasuke, what’s your dream?” Kakashi asked, attempting to steer the conversation back on track.

“I told you, I want to kill my brother.”


“Marry Sas-...”

“A real dream Sakura!” Kakashi clarified.

“...Can I think on it some more?”

Kakashi sighed. “...I suppose you'll have to.” He took another longer sigh and then added, “Why won’t the academy just give me a normal squad for once? Even the squad with dog-boy, bug-boy, and weird eyes shy-girl would have been a little more normal than this!”

“I think I’ve got just the trick.” Someone said from in the distance. Kabuto approached the group from behind a conveniently dark corner.

Neji: Bad guys always emerge from dark corners!

“What’s your idea?” Kakashi asked.

Kabuto slid his glasses back. “All four of you are dealing with emotional baggage from your past, correct?”

“I’m not!” Sakura argued, but Kabuto ignored her.

“I know a Sound ninja that majored in Psychology if you follow me to our secret layer then I could have her assess your mental state.” Kabuto explained.

“It sounds like a trap! Believe it!” Naruto said.

“Silly Naruto, what would Orochimaru ever want to do with the Leaf Village’s Jinchuuriki and the last of the Uchiha with his amazing eye power?” Kakashi scoffed.

“...Actually a lot.” Sakura pointed out.

“I don’t really care.” Sasuke said.

“Shut up you two!” Kakashi snapped. “We’re going because I freaking need therapy after dealing with you guys!”

A while later the group (minus Kabuto) sat on a couch around a ditsy looking blonde woman. The blonde had a sketch pad out and was frantically jotting down any points that came to mind. “So before we begin, I’d like to ask if anyone has any questions about this procedure.” The woman said, smiling wide.

“Yeah, why are we doing this? Believe it!” Naruto asked.

“Good question um...” The woman hesitated, trying to remember the boy’s name.

“Naruto! Believe it!” Naruto said.

“Good question Naruto believe it!”

“No, my name is just Naruto. Believe it!”

“Yeah, Naruto believe it, isn’t that what I said?”

“Ignore him. Naruto’s an idiot.” Sasuke said. “And honestly lady, I don’t know what kind of mind games you’re going to play, but my struggles are my own. I don’t want to have to explain them in front of all these people.”

The lady nodded in understanding. “Kakashi, Sakura, and Naruto believe it, could you three step out of the room for a moment. I’d like to talk to Sasuke in private right now. It won’t be more than a few minutes I promise!”

The three ninja left the therapist’s office and sat in the waiting room. The therapist’s door shut and locked. Naruto and the others remembered the therapist saying she wouldn’t be with Sasuke for more than an a few hours but neither the Uchiha nor the therapist stepped out of the room for something close to twelve hours. When they came out the therapist’s trademark smile was gone and she looked ready to punch a nearest wall. As for Sasuke, he was smiling.... yes Sasuke was actually smiling!

“Thanks Ms. Therapist!” Sasuke said with a toothy smile. “I’ve got to be honest, I didn’t really believe in therapy at first, but I really feel like I got a lot off my chest today!”

The therapist spent a long moment gawking at Sasuke. Her eyes didn’t blink and her jaw stayed open. “Your... your case... I’ve never seen anything quite so horrific.... My faith in humanity... gone.”

“Yeah! But you were right when you said talking helps!” Sasuke said cheerily. He was so happy that he ran up to Sakura and kissed her hard on the lips. “Sakura! How come I’ve never noticed how beautiful you are?” Sasuke asked, looking straight into her eyes. Sakura’s face reddened.

Then suddenly Kakashi attacked Sasuke with lightning blade. Sasuke let go of Sakura, fell to the floor and died instantly.

“W-why’d you do that?” Sakura shrieked.

“Happy Sasuke... Something about that really freaks me out.” Kakashi explained.

Naruto nodded. “It was giving me chills too. Believe it!”

Sakura tapped Sasuke’s corpse with the bottom of her sandal as if to check he was actually dead. Sasuke didn’t move so Sakura nodded and looked up at Kakashi. “I wasn’t going to say anything, but I prefer old Sasuke too.”

Suddenly, Kabuto reemerged and walked the traumatized therapist out of the room. “I hired you guys another therapist. She should be around in a few moments.”

Kimimaro entered the room dressed as a woman... Why he was dressed as a woman, I have no idea. He walked the hesitant Naruto, Kakashi, and Sakura back into the therapy room. “So Naruto, I understand you three just witnessed a tragic death.” Kimimaro said.

“Yeah, it was Sasuke. Believe it!” Naruto said.

“Kakashi, am I right to assume you're the one that murdered him?” Kimimaro asked.

“Are you a mind reader?” Kakashi asked, eye widening. He didn't notice that Kimimaro had seen the death note in Kakashi's pocket.

“Yes, I am.” Kimimaro looked to Sakura. “Wasn't Sasuke your lover?”

Sakura's face reddened. “...Well he kissed me once.... It was on the lips too! Right after he got out of therapy!... You guys were all there! So you remember, right?!”

Yeah Sakura, we remember.” Kakashi replied.

“How do you feel about it looking back?” Kimimaro asked.

“...Kind of strange... I want the old Sasuke back. I liked him better when he was upset and still carried around all that emotional baggage.”

Naruto nodded. “Don't we all? Believe it!”

“Well I've got a bit of good news for you.” Kimimaro said. “There's hope out there for all of you.” He handed Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi each a pamphlet. “All you've got to do is move to the Sound Village and make Orochimaru your lord and savior... I mean, SoundKage.”

“Is that the actual term for the leader of the Sound village? It sounds a bit off to me.” Sakura asked.

Kimimaro shrugged. “What do I care? Make Orochimaru your leader and your life can be better.”

“Naruto, Sakura, I'm sorry. I should have seen through Orochimaru's tricks sooner. Instead, I foolishly led you guys right to his trap.” Kakashi said.

Neji: He really should have seen through this!

“It's alright Kakashi-Sensei. We can do this! We just have to fight back with everything we've got! Believe it!” Naruto shouted. He made fifty shadow clones and came at Kimimaro. Kimimaro was able to knock out most of Naruto's clones, but he felt uneasy. With a million Narutos, where was Kakashi or Sakura?

Kakashi came up behind Kimimaro, sharingan revealed and put a knife up to Kimimaro's neck. “Let us roam free.” Kakashi said.

“I was already going to.” Kimimaro growled. “Mark my words, one of these days Orochimaru's going to recruit Sasuke, but we want him to join alive and on his own terms because it's important he's willing to cooperate. Until that day comes, we aren't going to rest in trying to steal them from you.”

“And neither will we in trying to keep Sasuke. Believe it!” Naruto said.

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