Fifty Shades of Gaara
Valentine's in Konoha and Sunagakure was always a big deal. Believe it or not ninjas can in fact be very romantic one day of the year while basically ignoring their significant other the other 364. Yes, I'm talking about you Naruto, Sasuke, and Sai. I love you guys as characters and I approve of who you three ended up with at the end of the series, but you three aren't romantic in the slightest! ...Well, except for on Valentine's Day. Every February 14th all the boys from Naruto undergo a dramatic change where they become handsome, completely romantic gentlemen. And that my friends, is why Hinata is still madly in love with Naruto even though he never returns any feelings for her every other day.
However, for whatever reason Gaara was the only man in the entire Naruto universe who didn't undergo this change once a year. He sat at a restaurant table with Temari who was violently fanning herself while ultaromantic Shikamaru (not sleeping for once) got down on his knees in order to rub Temari's feet. Temari had offered to bring Gaara with her on the date since he didn't have anyone else this Valentine's Day. Gaara's brother Kankuro was at another table, trying to strike up a romantic conversation with his sock puppet, Socko... Socko was basically just a sock with googly eyes attached.
"I hate being alone on Valentine's Day." Gaara commented. "It feels like everyone everywhere has someone except me."
"How about Tenten? I heard she's still single." Temari asked.
"Tenten doesn't have a personality. Of course she's still single." Gaara said.
"Well that's pretty prejudice." Temari said with a glare.
"Sorry..." Gaara said. "I guess I could give it a try..."
Gaara called Tenten asking if she wanted to be his Valentine. A few hours later, Gaara was standing on Tenten's doorstep dressed in a suit and tie and holding a bouquet of roses. He held his hand up to his face and breathed on it in order to check his breath didn't stink. Unfortunately when you live in the desert most of your life most things tend to smell like sand. Here's the worst part though. Remember those Febreze commercials that say you grow used to your pet odars? Well Gaara is used to his own odor.
Gaara rang the doorbell. Once Tenten opened it, he handed her the bouquet of roses. "It's a pleasure to see you again Tenten."
Tenten blinked twice in surprise. "So you're alright after all?"
"Why wouldn't I be alright?"
"I saw Death Battle... I thought Toph murdered you!" Tenten said. She put her arms around Gaara and hugged him tight. "It had me really worried!"
"Oh... Uh that... I didn't die, but that uh..." Gaara started, his face reddening.
"She owned you! You had your butt handed to you!" Tenten said excitedly. "She's just a little girl, but you got handed man!"
"Yeah... It is quite embarrassing..." Gaara muttered. "Uh... Could I come in?"
"Yeah sure." Tenten said with a smile. "Normally I'm shipped with Neji for these types of holiday specials, but lately he's had his hands full trying to bring logic into this series."
Neji: Naruto Spoofing, trying its hardest not to completely discriminate against anybody's OTPs since 2010.
Tenten put Gaara's roses in a vase and made him a cup of coffee. Gaara wasn't a coffee person, but he was willing to try it in order to avoid being rude. Gaara watched Tenten blow on the drink and sip the coffee black. Gaara mimicked her actions, still trying to grasp the proper educate for coffee drinking. The drink touched the red head's tongue causing him to make a face.
"Oh right!" Tenten said, standing up. "I usually drink my coffee plain, but I've got cream and sugar if you're interested.
"Yes please." Gaara said, trying to keep from gagging. How on earth did people drink this stuff black? They'd have to be somehow less human than him to have taste buds that could tolerate that!
Tenten handed Gaara a container of sugar, a spoon, and carton of milk. "Add as much as you'd like." Tenten said with a smile.
Gaara added a bit of sugar then stirred. The coffee tasted surprisingly better, but not yet great. He added more sugar, stirred, tasted, and then added some more. He kept this going until nearly half of Tenten's sugar had gone into the drink. Gaara added cream for good measure and took a sip... Turns out, he still hated the taste of coffee. The whole time, Tenten was staring at Gaara blankly. She would have done something more interesting, but Tenten never does interesting stuff.
"So you uh... Have any hobbies?" Gaara asked.
Tenten nodded. "I like to breathe. Sometimes I'll inhale, and other times I like to exhale. Sometimes I'll even be spontaneous and switch the two up! It's so much fun I can't even tell you which part I like better!"
"Really?" Gaara asked, not at all impressed. "Anything else? Anything a little less... common?"
"Not that I can think of." Tenten confessed. "I collect weapons sometimes, but other than that and breathing I'm just a normal girl."
"You say that like breathing is what makes you exciting." Gaara muttered, then quickly covered his mouth when he saw how angry Tenten looked.
"That's it! I've been trying not to say it but you're rude Gaara! What gives you the right to judge me? If you're really so great then why don't you tell me what makes you so exciting?!" Tenten argued.
"...I build sandcastles and use them to kill people, then I go home and cuddle my teddy bear." Gaara said.
"See, you make fun of me but at least my hobbies don't kill people!"
"Take that back! Teddy has never murdered anyone!" Gaara yelled, then his face reddened.
To Gaara's surprise, Tenten giggled. "You named him Teddy?"
"Yeah, so what?"
"I don't know, it's just... kind of cute you still play with your teddy bear."
"Of course I do!" Gaara replied looking shocked. "Teddy is my best friend!"
"Cute, my best friends are my weapons and oxygen." Tenten leaned in and French kissed Gaara. "I'd like to be your friend if you're willing to give me your time of day."
Gaara returned the kiss. "Of course I will Tenten. But let's be more than friends. I want you to see all fifty shades of me." Then a bunch of M rated stuff happened and...
"Hold it right there!" Sasuke shouted. He and Naruto were by the computer typing out this Gaara/Tenten FanFiciton that you were just reading. "Don't you think the romance feels a bit rushed? I mean Gaara just went from offending Tenten to having them do M-rated stuff in the kitchen."
"This is FanFiciton Sasuke." Naruto said. "If I want Gaara and Tenten to kiss by the kitchen table then they're allowed to kiss by the kitchen table! Believe it!"
"I'm not saying it can't happen it's just this is so out of character for them even for a FanFic of a Naruto parody!" Sasuke said in annoyance. "Not even Kakashi-sensei, the king of perverts is going to find this tasteful!"
"Will you shut up!" Naruto yelled. "Jiraiya gave me writing lessons, remember? Just believe I can do it! Believe it!"
"That wasn't Jiraiya remember?" Sasuke interjected. "That was just a regular toad pretending to be Jiraiya who you let hop across your keyboard until he published a series of best selling vampire novels!"
"Oh right..." Naruto muttered. "Guess I'll rewrite this after all. Believe it!" Then baby Cupid came down from the sky and murdered Sasuke. Happy belated Valentine's Day to everyone single or not!
~ phantom130 5 (February 2014)
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