Naruto spoofing

Meet Team Orochimaru

Chapter 7: Meet Team Orochimaru

"Kabuto, will you get me a Pepsi?" Orochimaru called from the living room. He was in the middle of watching some show on PBS about boys with black hair and Sharingans, and he didn't want to miss a thing.

"Do you want diet Pepsi or regular?" Kabuto called back.

Orochimaru pondered the question for a moment. "I suppose I'll just have regular Pepsi today, though I really should be watching my figure ..."

Kabuto came out of the other room in a black maid dress and a white frilly apron, carrying a glass full of Pepsi with ice and a bendy straw.

"Here you are, Lord Orochimaru; I put the ice in the glass and froze the sides of the glass just the way you like it."

Orochimaru giggled and used the straw to blow bubbles. "And you put the bendy straw in too! Kabuto, you always know how to make me happy!"

"Thank you, sir," Kabuto said with a curtsy. Then, after a moment of silence, he asked, "Where is Kimimaro?"

"Oh you know our neighbour Kiba, right?"

"Yes, I know Kiba. Why?"

"Well, Kiba's little doggy, Akamaru, wouldn't stop barking - I think he saw a squirrel or something. So I sent Kimimaro over to tell Kiba to keep Akamaru quiet."

"Do you really think that was a smart idea, seeing as Kimimaro is basically all bones, and dogs like bones?" Neji asked, seeming to appear out of nowhere before immediately disappearing again.

"Oh, of course it was, because I'm smart like that!" Orochimaru said, smiling proudly.

Just then, Kimimaro ran in with Akamaru chewing on his arm.

"Help, please! Get this dog off of me!" he screamed. Kabuto and Orochimaru helped pry Akamaru off Kimimaro's arm.

"Okay, people – today, we need to think of a way to kidnap Sasuke!" Orochimaru ordered. By now they had already pried the dog off of Kimimaro and were ready to start their day.

"Lord Orochimaru, how about we stuff Sasuke in a bag and hit him over the head with a baseball bat?" Kabuto suggested.

"Wouldn't that hurt him? We wouldn't want to damage his beautiful emo features," Orochimaru said, looking somewhat disturbed.

"Nonsense!" Kabuto scoffed. "I could do it to Kimimaro right now, and nothing bad would happen at all." Kabuto pulled out a bag and baseball bat and threateningly turned to Kimimaro.

"Please, don't!" Kimimaro pleaded, taking a healthy step back.

"Fine, come on, guys, let's go bag ourselves a Sasuke!" Orochimaru said cheerfully. Kabuto and Kimimaro cheered and followed.

Meanwhile, Sasuke was in an anime store, looking at shirts from Bleach. He tried on one of Aizen and studied himself critically in a mirror.

Then he spotted a sign that said, "Buy new, limited edition, talking Naruto and friends collectable toys!"

He picked up a Naruto toy and squeezed it. "Believe it!" the toy said. Another squeeze and it said, "Believe it!" again. The Naruto toy that Sasuke had picked up was the only one left; the rest had sold out.

The rest of the characters were sold out, too. Oddly enough, the talking Sasukes were the only toys left in abundance. The real Sasuke picked one up and squeezed it. "Vengeance is mine!" the toy growled.

Orochimaru and his gang chose that moment to show up and bag Sasuke. Unfortunately, they couldn't tell the difference between the Sasuke dolls and the real Sasuke, so they just knocked all of them out onto the floor and bagged the one that they were sure was Sasuke.

Orochimaru swore that he recognized those 'little button eyes.' However, they later found out that that was just a toy too.

"Sorry guys. I have failed to kidnap Sasuke once again." Orochimaru said.

"You know Lord Orochimaru, if you want a new vessel so badly I'd be happy to contribute; you know, as sort of a substitute encase Kimimaro never recovers from his disease." Kabuto offered.

"Thanks, but no thanks." Orochimaru said; not even seeming to give much thought toward the offer.

"Why not?" Kabuto asked. "Have you even considered me as possible candidate for your next vessel?"

"I have and it's nothing personal it's just ... I don't like glasses much ..." Orochimaru said.

"You don't want me as your vessel because I wear glasses?" Kabuto repeated.

"Yeah, I mean could you imagine. I'm supposed to be a fearsome leader, but how can I do that when I look like a glasses wearing nerd? No offence."

"Hey!" Kabuto retorted.

"Relax. I said no offence." Orochimaru said; making it sound like those two words made a difference.

"Orochimaru, you're like a father to me, but if I can be honest you lost your ability of intimidation the moment that you decided to devote your life to kidnapping a twelve year old." Kimimaro pointed out. "Now you're just kind of creepy ..."

Orochimaru sighed. "I suppose I have lost touch with reality quite a bit. But what do you suggest? It's not like I can just change who I am. If I could, then Tenten would have been given a personality decades ago."

"True." Kabuto agreed. "Maybe you just need some time off. Kimimaro and I can run things while you're gone."

Orochimaru cringed. "I like your idea about a break, but there's no way I'm going to allow a weird glasses wearing guy and physically ill hospital patient take care of my work while I'm away!"

Kimimaro turned to Kabuto and giggled. "How does it feel to be called weird by the King of Weird?"

"... Not very good ..." Kabuto said with a sigh.

Orochimaru continued speaking, ignoring his friends. "No, we need someone new, fresh blood and I think I know just the person!"

"Who?" Kabuto and Kimimaro asked in unison.

"You'll see tomorrow." Orochimaru replied cheerfully.

The next day Orochimaru walked into the lab with Kiba and Akamaru following close behind. When Kimimaro spotted Akamaru he gulped and prayed to go unnoticed. Sadly that wasn't the case. Akamaru bit onto Kimimaro's arm and refused to let go. Kimimaro finally shook him off by taking a small bone out from his back and tossing it outside for Akamaru to chase. As soon as Akamaru was outside Kimimaro locked the door and went back to the conversation between Orochimaru, Kabuto, and Kiba.

"So you're replacing me with a twelve year old?" Kabuto asked angrily while looking back and forth between Orochimaru and Kiba.

Orochimaru nodded. "While I'm gone you must do anything that Kiba asks you for."

Kabuto cringed. "Even if he asks for a sponge bath?"

"Especially that!" Orochimaru replied with a sadistic smile. Kabuto groaned. This really wasn't his week.

"Kabuto, will you get me a Pepsi?" Kiba called from the living room. He was in the middle of watching some show on PBS about small white dogs and their owners and he didn't want to miss a thing.

"Do you want diet Pepsi or regular?" Kabuto called back in an annoyed voice.

Kiba pondered the question for a moment. "I suppose I'll just have regular Pepsi today, though I really should be watching my figure ..."

An annoyed Kabuto came out of the other room in a black maid dress and a white frilly apron, carrying a glass full of Pepsi with ice and a bendy straw.

"Here's your drink sir." Kabuto said dryly.

Kiba giggled and used the straw to blow bubbles. "And you put the bendy straw in too! Kabuto, you always know how to make me happy!"

"You're welcome sir, but I assure you that I'm just doing my job." Kabuto said.

"I know. I know." Kiba replied dismissively. "Where's Kimimaro?"

"I believe that he's playing with your dog." Kabuto said.

Kiba smiled. "Aww, gee isn't that nice?"

"So what are your plans for today?" Kabuto asked.

Kiba shrugged. "Maybe I'll just stay here and play some Mario Kart."

"But you're the leader of Orochimaru's hideout! We have the military to do just about anything! You should at least give our group a challenge."

Kiba's eyes widened in surprise. "You're right! Well I guess now that I think about it there is a little something you could do."

"What is it?" Kabuto asked.

"Well it's sort of a long story, but let's just say there's this one person who doesn't like puppies. I saw him kick one once. Let's say I gave you orders to kill him, would you do that for me?" Kiba asked.

"You're not referring to Kimimaro are you?" Kabuto asked inquisitively.

"No, Kimimaro's alright. The person I'm talking about like really doesn't like dogs!" Kiba said.

"Then I suppose we could arrange that. Who is the person? Just say the name and we'll have him killed." Kabuto said.

Kiba smiled. "His name is Sasuke Uchiha!"

Kabuto's jaw dropped. Orochimaru had ordered Kabuto to do whatever Kiba asked for, but Orochimaru wouldn't be pleased either to know that one of his own men purposely contributed to Sasuke's latest death. Kabuto would have to think this one over some more.

Meanwhile, Orochimaru casually strode through Konoha. He paid no heed to the many gawkers that were surprised by just how bold the snake was to unwelcomingly come back into a village that he'd betrayed without any security or a disguise. Orochimaru waved at a small toad.

"Good morning Jiraiya!" He cheered. The toad didn't speak, but hopped away. This didn't bother Orochimaru though. He was used to getting the silent treatment from his once best friend/rival.

Orochimaru tapped his chin in deep thought. He was on vacation from being evil. He could do anything that he wanted, but what did he want to do? There were so many possibilities. He could go visit Sasuke or he could say hi to the Hokage. He and the Hokage hadn't talked for years. Orochimaru couldn't even remember what they were fighting about. Surely he would be happy to see him.

When Orochimaru was in the Hokage's office he was greeted by a surprised Hokage. The Hokage stared at Orochimaru, wide mouthed for a while before speaking.

"How'd you get into here?"

"The door was unlocked." Orochimaru said casually.

"I know, but how about the guards?"

"What guards?" Orochimaru asked.

"The ones guarding this place!"

"There weren't any guards." Orochimaru said nonchalantly.

The Hokage stood still with his mouth wide open in astonishment. "How can there not be any guards?"

"Well I've never seen any around this place have you?"

"No I can't say that I have. But isn't this place like the most important place in the village to guard? I can't believe that no one would guard it!"

"I know it's surprising." Orochimaru agreed. "I mean at any moment some big, bad villain could attack you and try to kill you! I know, why don't I guard your hide out?"

"No!" The Hokage retorted.

"Why not?" Orochimaru asked, a hint of disappointment seeping through his voice. The snake wasn't used to not getting what he wanted.

"Because you're evil!"

Orochimaru rubbed the back of his head. An anime sweat drop rolled down his forehead. "Oh yeah I forgot ... But I'm not evil right now! I'm on vacation!"

"On vacation from being evil? How does that work?"

Orochimaru shrugged. "Not sure. It just does." He cheerfully wrapped his arm around the Hokage. "So what do you say Sarutobi – Sensei, want to go out to play?"

"... No ..." The Hokage said dryly. "I've got important Hokage business to attend to. But you're welcome to play in the village all you want, but you'd better stay on your best behavior!"

Orochimaru nodded. "I will sir."

Orochimaru left the Hokage's office just in time to see Kiba, Kabuto, and Kimimaro talking with Sasuke. Orochimaru curiously watched the group from behind a tree.

"Why don't you like dogs?" Kiba asked angrily.

"I just don't. They're loud, slobbery, and annoying! I'm more of a cat person to be honest." Sasuke said.

Kiba gave Sasuke a disgusted look. "Cats are the one animal that I can't stand! Kabuto you can kill him!"

Kabuto sighed. "Sorry Sasuke, but this must be done." His hands began to glow bright purple. This was his chakra scalpel.

"No don't do it!" Orochimaru yelled. He charged head first at Kabuto in order to stop his attack, but accidently charged into Sasuke instead. This sent the Uchiha flying backwards through a building window where he died.

Orochimaru stood back up and pointed accusingly at Kiba. "Don't you dare harm Sasuke!"

-phantom130 5 (September 2010)

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