Naruto spoofing

The Akimichi Who Wished to Fly

Chapter 9: The Akimichi who Wished to Fly

My name is Choji Akimichi.

I like apples, bananas, carrots, donuts, eggs, French fries, gram crackers, honey, ice cream, jelly, ketchup, lemon tea, marshmallows, nuts, Oreos, peanut butter, Quaker's oatmeal, radishes, sushi, turkey, upside-down cake, vanilla cake, waffles, Xavier steak, yogurt, Zingers, and many more. In case you didn't notice, my list contains foods in alphabetical order from every letter of the alphabet; and if you have the time to write something like this, you've got too much free time.

Today, I'm going to narrate the spoof, because who ever normally narrates the story is stuck in a seemingly endless cycle of homework. Darn school. You probably don't know me very well, as none of you, I mean none of you, readers voted for me as your favorite. Well, I'm going to tell you about myself.

Today's story starts at the Team Asuma training ground.

Shikamaru was sleeping under a honey tree. Asuma was bargaining with Kakashi for some free smokes, even though it wasn't Free Cigarette Friday, not to mention the fact that my sensei's bad at bargaining. He often somehow ends up bargaining more than the thing was worth in the first place. I think he has already given away his house, a car, his Jounin vest, and a pack of cigarettes for more cigarettes.

And Ino was with Sakura, stalking Sasuke, who was trying to face off with Itachi, while Orochimaru, Kabuto, and Kimimaro (standing close by) plotted to kidnap him. Like Asuma's training grounds is amazingly close to Kakashi's Cigarette Shop, Orochimaru's base is always amazingly close to wherever Sasuke is at the moment. Good thing it was mobile - it was taped to Sasuke's back. Naruto often hopped in for a free ride from time to time. Once Naruto was inside, he was greeted by Kabuto's friendly hospitality and offered muffins and a foot rub.

Naruto and Orochimaru got along well ever since they had set aside their differences and decided to agree to disagree. Naruto even brought little toady Jiraiya along for the ride once. Keep in mind Jiraiya is just a normal toad. The real Jiraiya was always off training. No one ever noticed he was gone, though. Instead, they believed that the toad 'Jiraiya' was just the real Jiraiya training in sage mode.

I also saw Kakashi in the bushes nearby, plotting his next killing of Sasuke. Ryuk stood nearby with an apple. I like apples. I wondered if Ryuk would share. Regardless, I think Kakashi was planning something very complicated involving the sun and the color purple to kill Sasuke. I'll let you decide what happens next.

Orochimaru's plot to kidnap Sasuke involved Kimimaro posing as Itachi, while Kabuto and Orochimaru watched from a safe distance for Sasuke to chase after Itachi/Kimimaro. Sadly, this just led to two Itachis, both of whom Sasuke was trying to kill. And it led to a very confused Kisame.

He said, "Glub."

Neji had to point out that there can only be one Itachi unless he was using shadow clones.

As for me, I was nowhere to be seen. I had a hole in my heart that couldn't be filled with food... I wanted to fly.

Ino eventually found me moping around stuffing my face full of sushi. "Choji, what's up? You look sadder than usual. You weren't even at training!"

"Ino, I've got a confession," I sighed, setting down my chopsticks.

"What is it, Choji?"

"I want to fly! It's been my dream for years. I saw a butterfly today, and you know what it was doing? It was flying, Ino! I want to be that butterfly!"

By this point I was shaking Ino up and down, pleading for her help.

"Fine, Choji, I'll help you; and I know just the perfect person to assist! Hint: the person is really well known. Can you guess?"

"Um, is it Dumbo, Winx Club, Woody Woodpecker, Buzz Lightyear, Tweedy Bird, Superman, Mighty Mouse, Underdog, Iron Man, or Pidgey?"

"Uh, actually, no. I was thinking more like Tinkerbelle."


Then suddenly, as if out of nowhere, a speck of blue light belonging to Tinkerbelle flew over.

"You can fly, fat boy! All you need is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie dust!"

She sprinkled a pinch of dust on me. I sneezed, but nothing else happened. This caught Tinkerbelle by surprise.

"Make that more pixie dust and a lot of wind!" she corrected herself. She sprinkled more pixie dust on me, then she and Ino watched as a huge, tornado-like wind came and tried to pick me up. It failed. I went into a sadder slump.

"This is useless, talking potato chip. I'll never fly," I told Tinkerbelle, who did indeed look to me like a talking potato chip.

"Don't give up, fat boy," Tinkerbelle encouraged. "It's not too late!"

Tinkerbelle pulled out a small walky-talky. "Send in Mac!" she yelled into it. "We need to get this fat boy into the air!"

A dump truck appeared, carrying truckloads of pixie dust.

It backed up in front of me, and Tinkerbelle ordered Mac to empty the truck on me. The dust fell on me, almost burying me alive. Still, nothing happened. Tinkerbelle grew cross, then sighed.

"Sorry, boy, you're just too fat to fly."

I sighed. "Thank you for trying, talking potato chip." Before Tinkerbelle could reply, I picked her up and ate her.

Ino jumped in shock. "Choji, you just ate Tinkerbelle!" she yelled, yanking at my cheeks. "Give her back! Peter Pan will be mad!"

Later that day, I decided that if I couldn't really fly, I'd ride an airplane; but, just my luck, only today did the airlines just started their 'too fat to fly' policy.

I had just given up completely when I noticed a noticed giant American Black Bear, Cinnamon Bear, Kermode Bear, Asiatic Black Bear, Baluchistan Bear, Formosan Black Bear, Pakistan Black Bear, Brown Bear, Atlas Bear, Bergman's Bear, Blue Bear, Eurasian Brown Bear, European Brown Bear, Gobi Bear, Grizzly Bear, Himalayan Brown Bear, Hokkaido Brown Bear, Kamchatka Brown Bear, Mexican Grizzly Bear, Siberian Brown Bear, Syrian Brown Bear, Sloth Bear, Sri Lankan Sloth Bear, Sun Bear, Polar Bear, Spectacled Bear, and Pooh Bear heading straight towards Shikamaru, who was fast asleep under a honey tree.

I had to save my best buddy! But how?

I knew I had to pull out my handy-dandy Akimichi food pills.

Neji's legal disclaimer: "Don't use Akimichi food pills if they weren't prescribed to you. If you do, it could cause one or more of the following: blurred vision, trouble breathing, constipation, over-happiness, turning into a butterfly, log arms, blood clots, and even death."

I didn't have time to waste. I shoved the red pill into my mouth. My body slowly morphed. I grew thinner, lighter, and stronger. And when I turned around, wings like a butterfly's had formed from my back. There was just enough time to carry Shikamaru away from the hungry bears and save his life.

Neji's disclaimer: "No bears were harmed in the saving of Shikamaru. Actually, no bears were harmed in this whole chapter. I can't say the same for Tinkerbelle and Sasuke though."

I brought Shikamaru back to the ground and dropped him gently in a safer place.

Next to us was Kakashi's bomb workshop (yes, he sells cigarettes, bombs now) Then I realized I had wings. I was so happy - I was now like a butterfly!

So, kids, that's my story. The moral is that bears like honey.

~ phantom130 5 (September 2010)

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