Callie found herself very busy on the Saturday night shift. Saturday nights tended to be busy nights for the Pit and Callie often started her shift there. Tonight she had only stepped foot in there for ortho consults. Cement boy needed constant monitoring and for some reason she had taken a special interest in him. Her charting had taken time and she'd had three referrals tonight from the Pit that required her attention. All of which was good because being busy left her less time to think about Erica all alone in her big comfy bed and what they could be doing right now if Callie didn't have to be at the hospital. God leaving tonight was torture.
Spending the day in the way they had had also been torture. She hadn't even napped during the day like she usually did, which she was sure would catch up to her tonight. But living for those few moments when she could have Erica to herself, when she felt free to touch her and kiss her like she wanted to made her pretty useless for the day. They managed to get some things done, but Callie had spent the moments in between kissing Erica, thinking about kissing Erica and how good that felt. She had managed breakfast which pretty much rocked, but could not summon up enough concentration to cook dinner, so they made due with Chinese take-out, a favorite of Erica's.
But once the kids were in bed, something had happened. It was as if a dam had broken. They managed to make it downstairs and into the living room before the heavy make-out session began. Callie's heart was beating uncontrollably as she walked behind Erica down the stairs, not knowing what she should expect. She followed her into the living room and then just stood there seeing Erica turn around and stare at her. Their eyes held for a moment before all thoughts except one were completely pushed into the background.
They reached for each other simultaneously. Their kisses were hot and wet and hungry. She felt herself falling on the couch. Erica had managed to catch herself somehow before she fell directly on top of Callie, but never broke the kiss. She hovered over Callie for awhile, the weight of her upper body braced by her arms, but Callie wanted her closer, so she pulled her on top of her completely. Thank God the couch was big. The passionate kissing continued for many minutes and Callie was so lost in it. She felt a sensation on her side that caused her body to arch up into Erica. Erica's hand was running up and down Callie's side brushing her breast, her thigh and all the parts in between.
Suddenly Erica pulled herself away from Callie's lips and whispered in Callie's ear.
"Callie, we...can't...you need to...get to the hospital."
It took her forever to get the sentence out, her heavy breathing and kissing of Callie's neck kept interfering.
Callie wanted to respond. She wanted to agree, but she felt Erica's knee between her legs and just moaned at the sensation. Everything this woman did drove her ape-shit. Erica returned to Callie's mouth, she moved causing her leg to increase the pressure between Callie's thighs. Callie's hands seemed to have minds of their own. She was pulling Erica to her, wanting to increase the pressure.
Her hips were moving involuntarily. Erica pulled her mouth away again, but did not remove her leg.
"Callie, we really need to..." She was sucking on Callie's neck making her way down to her chest. "We need to..."
"Please don't say stop," said Callie. "Please don't...Please don't stop," she was pleading. God this woman made her feel so good. Erica kissed her again and pulled her leg away. Callie whimpered in confusion. "Erica don't..."
Erica's hand found Callie's pants undoing them expertly. "I'm not stopping," she said in between kisses. "I could never stop."
Her hand caressed Callie's abdomen until her fingers grazed her underwear. She gentled her kisses and then pulled back.
"Please tell me you want this," Erica said in a shaky voice.
And Callie did.
George had come up to her in the middle of her reminiscing. He was all sunny smiles and a friendly voice, but she was startled nevertheless.
"Hey," she said looking away. She cleared her throat. "Need anything?" she asked still not looking at him.
She didn't need him to see any traces of what she had been thinking about. It was hurried and quick and they hadn't really even taken any clothes off, but it had felt so good. Afterward as they said their goodbyes, Erica told her she loved her, and after that the goodbye was just torture.
"No, no," he said shyly not looking at her either. He frowned. "I um...wanted to talk to you about something."
"Can you make it quick? I have to go back to Cement boy."
"Sure, I know, you're busy. I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Hahn."
Erica was on the couch trying to concentrate on the most common orthopedic procedures in her general surgery textbook. She had pulled it from her collection of books from med school. She had done an ortho rotation during her residency but it bored her. Now she found herself with a new found interest in the field. Callie loved her job, got the same excitement from fixing bones that Erica felt for fixing hearts and lungs. Erica chose cardio-thoracic surgery in part because it was the most competitive and the most exciting and she liked to compete. She also liked the finesse required. The delicate steady hands necessary for cardio-thoracic surgery was an art. Orthopedics involved big tools and drills and did not call for as much finesse. It required strength and measurements and a sense for structure she didn't have.
She pulled out the book with two purposes in mind. First she thought it might give her a sense of Callie. She wanted to know what had drawn her to the field. Callie was brilliant and she knew her stuff. She had been impressed with her before, but working with her during the Cement boy trauma exposed her to yet another side of Callie. She behaved like an attending, even more so than Bailey who was as respected as any attending. But Bailey was essentially a manager. She was more like Webber. She was a great surgeon with a brilliant mind, but what she did best was organize people, get people to work together. Erica wasn't a manager. Neither was Shepherd or Sloan. They were excellent surgeons who looked after the patient with everything they had.
That was why they all ended up arguing with each other at the start of the trauma. Each attending was advocating in their own way for their patient and Callie had been in there doing the same thing, fighting for that boy's legs just like any of the other attendings. She hadn't really been surprised to see her there. Samson was the head of Callie's department, but in Erica's experience the guy was useless. They were some decent attendings in the department. Callie had assured her of that, but the guy was hard to work for and the so the good ones didn't stick around. He was stuck in the past sometimes insisting on old outdated procedures. Callie said she tried to stay out of his way and just went about doing her thing.
Erica knew Callie's residency was almost over. She couldn't imagine that Webber did not already have plans to hire her as an attending, but if not, she would make sure she put the idea into his head. If they wanted to rise in the rankings of teaching hospitals, they needed to maintain a high integrity in all surgical departments. Callie would go a long way toward helping them achieve that goal. And it meant she got to stay in Seattle. She had to remember to talk to Callie about her plans tomorrow.
The other reason she brought down the old volume was because she remembered it was a subject that bored her and she was looking for something that might help her sleep. After the events of the day, she needed some serious help in that area.
They had eaten their cinnamon pancakes which turned out to be a cross between pancakes and cinnamon rolls. Callie sandwiched two pancakes with some kind of nutty cinnamon mixture in the middle complete with vanilla drizzle to top it off. It was heavenly. The rest of the day had passed in a surreal blissful existence that Erica had not been expecting. It was marred only by the fact that Callie had to work the late shift. They never got the chance to talk. Erica remembered the urgency with which she wanted to talk about what was happening between them last night. Today however, there seemed to be no need.
They spent the day normally with laundry, running errands, doing some light cleaning, having meals together, and finding ways to entertain the kids. Callie especially seemed anxious to get the kids occupied enough to give the two of them some alone time. And she never passed on the opportunity to kiss Erica when they did find themselves alone. It happened so frequently and with increasing intensity that Erica was one big ball of sexual energy, ready to combust at the slightest touch by the end of the night.
They put the kids to sleep at their normal bedtime, which left them twenty solid minutes before Callie had to leave for her shift at the hospital. They walked down the stairs together. Erica had been grateful that Callie had to leave. She was fairly certain that if Callie stayed they would not be able to deny their physical need to be together and it was probably too soon for that. She didn't think they were really ready for that no matter how hot their kisses had been getting throughout the day.
They made it down the stairs and managed a few seconds of just staring at each other before they started kissing frantically. The sporadic make-out sessions during the day were too much and they had not been able to stop.
Erica remembered one last attempt, hand at the top of Callie's underwear, wanting to make sure Callie wanted this before proceeding.
"Please tell me you want this," she said in a shaky voice.
"I want this," Callie had assured her. "I want you."
Erica wished they weren't on the couch, that she had time to explore, but they weren't and she didn't, but she wanted this. She wanted to touch Callie so very much.
Her hand made a slow trek down to Callie's most intimate parts and felt Callie's intake of breath.
"Erica," Callie's hips arched upwards. "Yes," she kept repeating driving Erica crazy.
She moved all the way down following Callie's natural curve until she was inside.
"Callie you feel incredible."
She was slow at first in her movement even though they had little time, but she needed it to start slow, she needed to feel Callie all over. It was driving her crazy though and she was close to losing it altogether. Callie was moving with her, enjoying the slow pace. She quickened and felt Callie match her. Every stroke, every plunge made her gasp. She increased the pace faster than she wanted to, which brought everything to a new level of excitement.
Callie was moving, panting. Her eyes were closed but she was reaching for Erica as she crested and finally tumbled into oblivion.
It was wonderful and scary and she realized then and there how completely gone she was on this woman. She didn't know what would happen if Callie chose to walk away from them. She wanted Callie, had been wanting her for so long. To have Callie there and as exited and eager as she was still made her body tingle and her heart thump wildly. Unfortunately it had been rushed, too fast, a teenage romp on the couch which left Erica wanting. She was satisfied for a few minutes before passions flared again at the door as they said their goodbyes.
She was so overcome with emotions that she barely noticed the words she spoke as she stood at the door cupping Callie's face in hers, staring into those gorgeous brown eyes and whispering, "I love you."
Callie had blinked rapidly, she remembered before kissing her again soft and slow. Erica was not expecting anything in return, she hadn't expected to reveal her own heart so quickly, but her heart thumped wildly at the emotions playing out in Callie's eyes when they pulled back from the kiss.
"You are so special Erica and you make me feel so special."
And then she had kissed her again, lightly this time. Finally Callie stepped back, took a deep breath and walked to her car. She reached her car door and lingered as she unlocked it, her eyes locked on Erica's for a full minute before she succumbed to responsibility and opened her car door.
Yes, she wanted Callie again and again and again. For the moment she felt she would get her opportunity; there would many more opportunities to have Callie.
She had leaned against the door after watching Callie drive away and thought about her impossible fantasy, the one that started shortly after meeting Callie. That improbable desire she had that they be a family was coming over to the side of things probable. For a moment she thought it was unreal. There was no way this was within her grasp. But their activities on the couch seemed like proof positive. Evidence of what had happened was on her pants and hands. She smiled as she made her way upstairs and to a cold shower, counting the hours until Callie's return.
Unfortunately, the cold shower only dulled her need and her heart, mind and body were too stimulated for sleep. She wandered down to her study intent on finding either something that would give her insight into the woman she had fallen in love with or bore her enough to sleep. At midnight she was still awake and still counting the hours until Callie's return. She put the book down and went to bed hoping her physical proximity to a bed would invoke sleepiness.
"You wanna talk about Erica? Why?" said Callie pushing her recollections further from her mind.
"Well…" he smiled awkwardly. "I um didn't know you and... Dr. Hahn were you know...um...an item."
That made her turn and look at him sharply all traces of the sexy haze she had been in gone.
"No one knows," she said looking around nervously. "I mean we're not keeping it a secret, it's just that well it's pretty new, I mean no one knows."
He seemed surprised. "Oh, oh yeah, okay."
"No one should know," she said a little more forcefully. "Who told you?"
"No one, no one. I um...saw you last night, you know in the parking lot." He laughed softly. "I couldn't believe it was you, but there you were."
"Yeah, well that was the first time..." she stopped. She didn't want to share this with anyone yet, but especially not him. "I don't want this to be a part of the rumor mill around here. Can you just keep this to yourself?"
"Sure, sure. I understand. It was just surprising. I mean I didn't know you...swung that way."
She was struggling with how much to tell him. He had been a friend at some point, more than a friend at others and no matter how their brief involvement ended, she knew he wasn't a bad guy, but she and Erica hadn't even talked yet. They had been too busy with other things, like having hot sex on the couch. She didn't want to explain how complex everything was to him. She liked being with Erica, loved it actually, and wanted to repeat it with less clothes, on a bed and with a little more time than they'd had tonight. She didn't know if that made her gay and she wasn't ready to think about that yet.
"This is new George. I don't know what it means," she said hoping whatever curiosity he had would be satisfied.
"Oh, okay," he paused. His eyes were on the counter, but she could tell he had more to say. "I just was surprised that you would even consider...it. I mean I didn't think you'd risk Allie like that."
"What are you talking about?" she asked a hint of anger tainting the words.
"Well, I mean this is something David could use against you to try and take away Allie."
"Think about it Callie. Relationship with a woman? Not exactly considered wholesome."
"He doesn't have a leg to stand on. Besides there are plenty of lesbians that get custody of their children."
"Sure, sure. Yeah, you're right. Bur are you a lesbian?" he asked uncomfortably.
"I don't … I don't think so, but I don't know what all of this means yet."
"Well I don't understand. Why risk it? Why risk your daughter on a relationship that isn't going to go anywhere?"
"George, I don't want to have this conversation with you. You gave up any right to say anything to me about me or my daughter when you decided you didn't want to be a daddy. Remember? I'm not a lesbian, I'm not, but my relationships are private and they're mine. You don't get a say."
She slammed the chart she had been clutching and walked away. He went after her.
"Callie wait," he reached for her arm as he caught up with her.
Reluctantly she stopped, jerking her arm out of his hand and crossing it with her other arm across her chest.
"Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'm not trying to judge, I was just surprised. You don't...You're a great mom and I was just surprised to see you take that risk I know it's none of my business. I just thought maybe you should think about all the consequences before starting something that has no future. But I have no right. I understand that. We were friends once. I was just trying to be a friend."
He patted her on her arm and walked away.
Callie was pissed. He had ruined her incredible mood and made sure the rest of the night would suck. She retraced her steps picked up the chart she had discarded harshly and finished the task she started before George laid out some harsh truths for her to consider.
And as pissed as she was at him, there was truth in what he was saying. She wasn't gay, had never even had a stray thought in that direction until she met Erica. What was she doing? Acting on a whim? Why Erica? Why had she all of sudden felt this incredible attraction to Erica? Maybe she needed to think about that before rushing into anything. She had rushed into the thing with George letting her heart get ahead of her mind. She'd had an image of a nice perfect little family with George, was excited about how holidays would change with him, in the picture, how she would have someone to share Allie's up and downs with. They hadn't made it to one holiday.
Was she doing the same thing with Erica? She certainly knew she had those wishes and more. She had even started imagining them living together. Danielle hadn't been that far off really. The unspoken part of seeing Allie and Lucas as siblings of course was that they had two moms, that they were all some sort of family unit. She knew that there were all kinds of families and that not all families had a mom and dad and that some families are made by people who love and care for each other and that romantic relationships don't always come into play, but she hadn't seen Erica and her as just two friends raising two kids together. She actually thought about them together and when she thought of their family, it wasn't just Lucas and Allie that were a set. She saw her and Erica being together, very much romantically together. But maybe this thing with Erica had nothing to do with attraction or romance. Maybe she was still reaching for that perfect fantasy that she'd had since she found out she was pregnant with Allie. She wanted a family and maybe Erica was just filling a role. Callie wasn't gay; she was pretty sure of it. So then why? Why get involved? Maybe George was right.
She needed to think everything through before leaping because if things didn't work out, it would be ugly and it wouldn't just impact them. There was Lucas and Allie to consider in all of this. Maybe she would talk to Erica tomorrow.
As the night progressed however, she sank deeper into depression. Image after image of all the ways David could come after her filled her head. Her shift started out busy, but the last few hours had been dull and that meant long stretches of time when she thought of nothing else but how a relationship with Erica was a bad idea. How would her family react? Her friends? They had known her in one way and now she was going to be claiming to be this other person, this person that had fallen…that was with a woman. Would they understand? Would they reject her? She lost a lot of friends when she became pregnant. Most of her friends were in med school and did not understand what she was going through. They saw her throwing away her career, her life when she decided to go through with it. She knew she hadn't been, but this, in this she would be changing her whole orientation. She didn't know if she could do that.
Right now everything was new and exciting and there was just the raw giddiness that Erica made her feel. But relationships, long-term relationships like the one she wanted to have were not all giddy excitement. Could she have something long-term with Erica, put up with the social ostracizing she was sure to experience in some form or another? Could she risk David using this against her? Could she risk losing Allie? No. Nothing was worth losing Allie.
By the end of the night she was no closer to figuring out what to do. With a heavy heart she got into her car and drove home. She parked the car in her driveway and got out, looking longingly at the house across the street. She wondered if Erica would be up. Their usual Sunday routine was to spend the day together doing something fun. Erica would let her nap until the kids woke up and then she would have breakfast with them before going back to sleep while Erica took them out for some distraction. She brought them back in time for lunch and they would spend the rest of the day together. She began walking toward the house still unsure of what she was going to do. She considered just talking to Erica, but when she unlocked the door to find Erica standing there waiting for her, her hands in her pockets looking excited and happy, she felt the need to run. She couldn't be around Erica. Being around her clouded everything and made all the complications fade to the background like meaningless props. She needed those complications front and center. She couldn't do this; she needed time to think. God how was she going to explain that to this wonderful woman standing in front of her?