A Minor Misdemeanor

Chapter 16

As soon as she was out of the door, Vastra's nostrils had been filled by the scent of her wife. She hadn't been able to help herself, and had instinctively pounced on Jenny.

"Ma'am..." Jenny wheezed, from underneath the Silurian; "I need air."

Hesitantly, Vastra climbed off of her wife, before almost gently picking her up and just holding her, their lips brushing at first, before interlinking shortly afterwards.

"She'll need a shower before you can bring her in here." The Doctor stated, standing with his arms crossed in the doorway to the TARDIS.

"You've got a shower." Clara stated, fulfilling her usual role as the Doctor's morality pet. "Her cell hasn't."

"Don't be silly." He grumbled. "Every cell on a developed planet has a shower. It's usually written into some law."

"This one doesn't." Clara hissed. "Now, let her in."

"Fine." The Doctor replied. "But if she stinks up my bathroom, you're cleaning it out."

"If you say so." Clara replied, before pulling the Time Lord out of the doorway.

"Ahem." She said, using the same tone she had when ordering Vastra to behave earlier in the day. "We haven't got all day."

Reluctantly, the pair broke apart, before Vastra led the way into the TARDIS.


Jenny followed Clara through the TARDIS hallways, astonished at the size of the ship, even knowing from past experience how large it actually was. The other human seemed to know her way around the key areas of the ship, however, and within minutes they had arrived in the palatial bathroom. Bronze fittings and marble baths filled part of the room, along with a row of showers, each with an individual stained glass door, showing a major structure or city from Gallifrey. There was another door at the far end.

"Where does that lead?" Jenny asked, out of genuine curiosity.

"To the swimming pool, and the sauna, and quite possibly a massage room and plunge pool." Clara replied. "I've never found a room it doesn't have when needed."

"Clara...?" Jenny asked, suddenly very aware of the fact that her ankles were connected together with heavy blackened steel irons. "Can you get these things off me?"

Clara knelt down carefully, annoying Jenny by not even stroking her calf briefly, before producing a small device from her pocket, which hummed slightly, before the shackle on her right ankle opened. A moment and another hum later, the shackle dropped away from her left ankle as well.

"Are there any bath materials I can use?" Jenny asked, very aware that her stock of soap was still on the shelf in the main bathroom at paternoster row.

"If you need anything, take it out of the cupboard." Clara replied. "Check the allergy information on each though. Some of this stuff isn't safe for levo species, and some of it does nasty things to human skin."

"Levo?" Jenny asked, not understanding the term.

"Levo amino acids. Some species the TARDIS stocks for appear to have been based on dextro amino acids."

"What?"

"I don't have time for it now." Clara replied. "If it says Dextro on the bottle, don't use it."

"Right..." Jenny said, looking slightly unnerved by some of the things Clara was saying.

"Anyway, we'll be landing in about twenty minutes, so..." She made a shooting gesture, and Jenny immediately began to clamber out of her clothes, not even waiting for Clara to turn her back.

"Do you mind?" Clara hissed, reddening slightly as she spun around.

"I don't." Jenny replied.

"Not that." Clara hissed. "Give me some warning next time."

"Oh." Jenny said, having momentarily forgotten that some eras had odd nudity taboos, or possibly that Clara wasn't interested in her.

Once the prison clothes were off, Clara disappeared them, before allowing Jenny to get on with the important business of choosing her shower gel. There were literally hundreds of options, some of which seemed rather unusual. "Nabooan mountain valley." Jenny read off of one bottle, the label of which was written in angular characters, none of which seemed to make sense to her, although she could read it, somehow. "The authentic scents of a valley in the famous blue mountains of Naboo during the spring, with mountain sunflowers, dusky primrose and dawn sundrops, along with the warming scent of hot chocolate with just a hint of Correlian whiskey." She put the bottle, which seemed to be made out of a substance she'd never encountered before, to one side, having taken a sniff of the contents. The next bottle was even more interesting. The label was written in a flowing script that seemed to translate itself into English as she read. "A preparation of cleansing herbs and flowers from Du Weldenvarden, with extracts of blueberry, bluebell and snowdrop essence for scent." It went next to the first. Then she found "Flowers of Thessia: a collection of Asari flowering plants, combined with a gentle cleanser, designed for use by any species and to raise flagging spirits." She picked it off the shelf, before heading into one of the showers.

Inside, it was an almost cavernous space, considering its purpose. Multiple bronze shower heads, decorated with delicate etchings, loomed overhead, with a shelf large enough for a huge selection of gels, shampoo and conditioner, which made her lone bottle of shower gel look rather lonely. On one wall, there was a control panel, which displayed a huge range of options when touched. The menus included everything from 'removing Deneb VII sewer slime' to 'morning mist'. She chose an option near the top, marked 'cleansing."

Almost instantly, the four shower heads burst into life, cascading warm water onto her, as she luxuriated in the perfect temperature and clean flow.

It took her several minutes of warm water to remember what came next, and to rub on the shower gel, which included the instruction "work into crest gently, using fingertips, and rinse with warm water." She ignored that, and simply rubbed it vigorously all over herself, taking huge comfort from the sensation of warmth and relaxation that the aroma of the gel produced. It lasted for ten heady minutes, during which time she turned the spray down to 'morning mist', bathing in the fine, warm spray of droplets, until finally, she reluctantly turned off the shower.

While she'd been showering, someone had laid out a selection of clothes, providing a number of knee to ankle length dresses decorated with a variety of animal patterns and floral designs. She chose a close fitting silk dress, with a crocodile skin pattern, the size of the scales varying from the size of her smallest fingernail to better than an inch across, in a very fetching jungle green. She accompanied the dress with a full set of twentieth century underwear, somehow sized to perfection, and a pair of smart boots, with a short heel.

When she returned to the control room, Vastra pounced immediately.

"Next time, you silly little ape, I'll leave you to rot." She told Jenny, nibbling one of her earlobes tenderly.

"Who'd make the tea?" Jenny asked, nuzzling the Silurian under the chin, and gently stroking the soft scales with her tongue.

"You have a point." Vastra replied. "I'll need someone to make tea."

"I love you too." Jenny replied, grinning slightly. "I won't mention some of the times I've bailed you out of trouble."

"There was only that time with the bank robber." Vastra said, defensively.

"You're forgetting when you nearly ate an undercover detective, that time with the meat freezer down at the docks, not to mention when you were nearly arrested for obstruction."

There was a grumpy hiss from the Silurian.

"Stop that." Jenny responded. "I'll make you some tea in a bit."

Then Vastra suddenly wrapped her tongue around the human's neck, and forced her head upwards, before kissing her gently and tenderly.

"Err, Vastra, you need some different clothes." Clara broke in, after the clinch had been going for about a minute.

"Why?" Vastra asked, keeping her tongue firmly wrapped around her wife's neck.

"Because Victorian evening dress, particularly a veil, is liable to stand out just a bit at an American movie premiere."

"I see." Vastra said, before being gently tapped on the crest by Jenny.

"Go and get changed, you daft lizard." Jenny said, putting her foot down firmly, and unwrapping the prehensile tongue from around her neck.

Vastra shuffled slightly, before reluctantly hobbling away towards the dressing room, shepherded by Clara.

When they arrived, the TARDIS had laid out a selection of garments, all of which were floor length, and emphasized Vastra's figure. Each garment had a set of opera gloves with it, along with a hat and attached veil that fitted with period fashion. There were no boots attached to any of the garments.

"I'll be changing if you want me." Clara said, before ducking behind a screen, and extracting her formal dress, which varied little from the red number she'd worn when meeting Robin Hood, except for lacking the ornate sleeves and the forehead adornment.

Quickly, she clambered into it, very aware of the Silurian on the opposite side of the screen, not to mention her gender preferences. It took her perhaps ten seconds to switch clothes, or rather, to pull off her vest, unbutton and discard the long sleeved white shirt, and haul the replacement dress on over her head. Once she was guaranteed to be decent, she was able to relax while removing the plain black dress from underneath the red dress.

Once she had changed, she used another door to exit the room, avoiding any chance of an entanglement with the Silurian that she would almost certainly find uncomfortable, and heading back to the control room.

Inside, Jenny was receiving a brief tutorial on how to fly the TARDIS, using the controls, rather than the psychic matrix. Clara smiled at the way the Victorian girl was almost bouncing with excitement, although a casual observer without the experience of a teacher would probably have missed the slight rocking on the balls of her feet that indicated her enjoyment. Finally, though, the Doctor took control of the TARDIS again, before making a careful and controlled landing.


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