A Minor Misdemeanor

Chapter 18

Clara was slightly surprised that Jenny and Vastra waited until they were back aboard the TARDIS before finally having the row that had been brewing since Vastra had swiped most of Jenny's onion rings.

"Now, look here, you bleeding daft reptile," Jenny yelled. "When I say share, I mean split roughly fifty-fifty, not you take a massive handful and leave me with a few of the little ones!"

"And I thought you meant take as many as you want!" Vastra replied at a similar volume, waving what appeared to be a magically produced tanto.

"Put it away." The Doctor broke in, firmly pushing Vastra's arm down. With a sniff, the Silurian returned it to its sheath, before employing her traditional means of resolving an argument, and lassoing her wife around the neck with her tongue, before pulling her in for a kiss.

"Silurian saliva contains trace levels of the toxin they produce orally. At lower levels, it acts as a combination of an endorphin and aphrodisiac." The Doctor told Clara quietly. "It doesn't have any permanent effects, and is easily resisted by most humans. Jenny has to let it affect her way of thinking for it to do so."

"She must really trust her." Clara murmured.

"They're in love." The Doctor replied. "They come from an era when love meant that both sides utterly trusted each other. As it happens, some of the compounds in tea act as both a stimulant and a slight muscle relaxant when interacting with the Silurian brain. There is also a compound that makes them more suggestible after drinking tea, but it shouldn't have too much of an effect on someone as strong minded as Vastra. Chocolate has a slightly different effect; it makes them very drowsy, and extremely suggestible. Jenny uses it as a way to get her to go to sleep."

"I see." Clara responded, with a grin. "What does oregano do to silurians?"

"You put oregano on her food?" He asked, seeming rather confused. "Are you and Danny still getting on?"

"Wha...?" She spluttered.

"No wonder she's acting like a teenager." He muttered. "Clara, Silurian bio-physiology means that some if the trace compounds in oregano affect the Silurian amygdala, effectively causing them to regress in age terms. How much did she have?"

"The amount required to season a three pound steak."

"No wonder." He muttered to himself. "Give her a large dose of hot chocolate when you get her through the doors. And be prepared for her to be rather playful before it kicks in."


A few minutes later, Jenny managed to untangle herself from Vastra, and made her way over to Clara and the Doctor.

"I'm assuming that our first stop is my cell." She said, looking slightly uncomfortable at the idea.

"Well, we could take you home, but I suspect that they'd be knocking on the door in no time at all, and you'd probably end up with Vastra sharing your cell." The Doctor told her. "Before we land, though, you need to get that cough seen to."

"What cough?" Jenny asked, wondering how the Doctor had noticed it.

"The one you've been stifling all evening. Is your cell damp and cold?"

"Yes." Jenny replied, dreading the answer.

"It's probably just prison cough, but I guess it could be consumption. Clara will take you down to the medical room. I've got the equipment down there to investigate."

Hearing her name spoken, Clara turned to the Victorian girl.

"If you want to follow me," She said, smiling, before leading the way through a maze of corridors. "She didn't like me at first." She commented, patting the nearest wall. "But we worked out our differences in the end, and she'll even let me fly her, even without the Doctor. I remember how I'd go down a corridor, spend ten minutes walking, and then come back out into the control room through the same door I went in through. She doesn't do that anymore, at least." She almost grinned as she said it, before leading the way through a small door.

Without even being asked, Jenny began to strip off her shirt.

"If you wouldn't..." Clara began, turning around with what looked like a small box with buttons on it, just in time to get a very good look at Jenny's breasts.

She turned very crimson, before looking sharply away.

"I was going to suggest keeping your shirt on." She said, sharply.

"I don't mind in the slightest." Jenny said.

"Look, Jenny, it isn't that you aren't an attractive person to look at, but I don't really find other women attractive. I'm sorry."

Jenny grinned slightly, clambering back into her shirt.

"I know." She said, grinning impishly. "But I wanted to make sure that Vastra was going be in safe hands. I love her, but I know her eye wanders sometimes." She said, before continuing more sombrely. "I doubt she'd ever stray physically, but I know that in the wrong circumstances, she might seek comfort from anyone who'd offer it to her."

"What do you want me to do?" Clara asked, suddenly feeling as if her stomach was full of butterflies.

"If she needs a hot water bottle in the night, go to her. Make sure to give her some hot chocolate first, and she'll just snuggle like a somewhat cold lizard. If she really needs something more than your body heat... I can't ask that of you. Contact a club on Paddington eight two four, and ask them for a specialist in life sciences. They'll send someone who won't mind and probably enjoy it out to take care of matters."

"Is that legal? Clara asked.

"If it was two men, no; because Vastra is female, it is not illegal."

"That isn't the same as legal."

"It's a grey area." Jenny said.

"Ok, he lent you a television, didn't he?"

"I rather enjoy your era of television." Jenny replied, grinning. "I don't watch the soaps, but there are some really fun dramas being made. I enjoyed one called 'by any means'."

"It's more or less what you and Vastra do, sometimes, isn't it?" Clara asked.

"Sometimes, yes," Jenny said, looking slightly sombre. "Sometimes she jokes about eating me. I know she'd never, but..."

"But there's a look in her eyes that worries you."

"Yes."

"I get that too, sometimes, with him." Clara told Jenny gesturing towards the control room. "Sometimes I think he just doesn't care about someone dying, even me. But then he says 'if I cared about that person, I might not be able to save the next', and I realise just how much he cares, that he doesn't allow himself to care."

Jenny simply sat there for a moment.

"We've only got a few minutes left before landing." Clara said, approaching with the medical scanner, before running it over the Victorian girl's chest at a range of about three feet. It bleeped and tweedled like an astromech droid for a few seconds, before something came up on the screen

"Ok. Scanner says you have a chest infection, and possibly the earliest stages of tuberculosis." Carla said, noting the flinch on the part of the Victorian girl at the idea that she had one of history's most fatal diseases. "I'm going to give you a jab which will clear up the cough, and counter any other diseases." She continued, moving over to a terminal. She removed a small chip from the body of the scanner, before inserting it into a small port on the surface of the terminal. The machine hummed for a few seconds, before fabricating a small, almost invisible hypodermic needle, along with an attached ampoule, filled with a colourless liquid.

Clara picked it up, holding it between her index finger and her middle finger, with her thumb resting on the plunger.

"Which arm would you prefer?" She asked Jenny, slightly surprised when she reacted by flinching away from the needle.

"That goes in an arm?" She asked, suddenly looking as nervous as a teenager faced with explaining the missing wing mirror on their parent's car.

"Yes." Clara explained. "It's a very efficient way of providing treatment such as vaccination, and of rapidly transferring medication directly into the bloodstream."

"Will it hurt?" Jenny asked, surprising Clara, until she realised that the girl in all likelihood hadn't had a vaccination in her lifetime.

"No. This needle is barely twice the diameter of a human hair, and should miss any nerve endings." Clara reassured her, approaching slowly, as Jenny turned to present her left shoulder for the injection.

Despite the newness of the needle, Clara swabbed the area where she was about to apply it with an alcohol gel, before pushing the needle into the meat of the other girl's arm. Jenny stiffened slightly as the needle penetrated her skin, before flinching away as the cold liquid flowed into the subcutaneous tissue surrounding her bicep.

Clara gently massaged the injection site with her thumb for several seconds, before stepping away and dumping the needle straight into a small disintegrator unit mounted on the wall. The unit purred like a motorbike for a moment, before falling silent.

"We need to get you dressed again." Clara said, as Jenny stood there, slightly massaging the injection site, before Clara ran a small device over it, causing the skin to rapidly seal over. Jenny scratched at the site where the wound had been, which was itching slightly, before Clara put her own hand over the site.

"It'll stop in a moment." Clara said, before keeping her hand there until it did.

Once the itching had stopped, Clara led Jenny back through to the wardrobe.

Once they were inside the room, she went over to the console, before entering a set of instructions. A few moments later, the machine paid out her prison clothes and the set of manacles her ankles had been secured together with.

She passed the garments to Jenny, pointedly moving to stand behind the screen until the Victorian girl gave the all clear.

Once jenny was dressed, the next part of the operation became required. They had to re-apply her manacles; otherwise it would seem strange that she'd managed to make them vanish from a locked cell with no egress large enough for three pounds of iron chains.

Before they locked them on, though, Jenny tore two wide strips of cloth off of the base of her dress, before carefully wrapping them around her ankles to form a layer of padding. She tied them off with a simple knot, before allowing Clara to fasten the heavy rings of pitted iron around her ankles, grinning as she did so.

"What?" Clara demanded, when she looked up and saw the look of amusement on the other girl's face.

"I haven't been tied up by another girl in a while." Jenny said, grinning mischievously.

"You…?" Clara spluttered, flushing red briefly.

"Never mind." Jenny said, just before the TARDIS spluttered as it came in to land.


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