Finger on the Trigger

It Gets To Me


I have to admit that I'm pissed off at Rick. He talks to everyone and he values their opinions but when I voice mine, he just brushes me off. Even though I can't blame him for treating me like this, I can't help but be pissed. Everything has changed. I can even tell how differently he is treating me compared to how he is treating Beth. Though I'm sure none of the others have noticed. It's almost as if I'm nothing more than the mother of his children, not his wife, not his partner, not even someone he used to love. I'm nothing. Yet the way he treats Beth is the total opposite. She's something. Someone he clearly cares for and someone he wants to protect. I don't think he's in love with her or anything like that but she definitely means more to him than I do. I guess I'm a little more jealous than I thought.

As I sat there lost in my own thoughts, I looked down at Hershel and I can't help but think he needs to know about his grandchild.

I'm fully aware that he is unconscious after having his leg amputated and from the loss of blood but I leaned in close to his ear anyway.

"Hershel, you have to pull through this. You have so much to live for. You're going to be a grandpa. Beth is pregnant," I whispered to him.

"A little louder, Lori. I don't think everyone heard you," Rick said suddenly, making me jump, " you can't keep a fucking thing to yourself, can you?"

"Rick, regardless of what Beth decides to do, I think he should know. He needs to know and it's not for you to decide whether or not he finds out. Beth is his daughter. It's not your place to keep it from him."

"And it's not your place to tell him," he said while grabbing my arm and pulling me into another cell, "me and Daryl are goin' on a run to get stuff for Hershel's leg. While we're gone, you need to keep your fucking mouth shut. Last thing we need is for everyone to find out about Beth. Especially right now. If and when she's ready, she will be the one to tell everyone. Not you!"

Before he left the cell he turned back towards me and said, "All you need to do is help Maggie and Carol tend to Hershel and stay the hell away from Beth. We'll be back soon."

"Well you need to get her another test," I told him as he left. I was secretly praying she would take it and it would be negative. That is the only way Rick will pay attention to me.

While they were gone, I tried to avoid Beth but I couldn't. We're in too small of a place for that. She was constantly at Hershel's side which made it difficult for me to not only avoid her but to tend to him. She looked so helpless and tired.

"Beth, sweetie. You look tired, why don't you go lay down for a bit," I finally said to her.

"I can't, I don't want to. I wanna be here when daddy wakes up."

"If he wakes up," Maggie said as she entered the cell, "Lori's right. You need to get some rest. I'll stay here with daddy."

Beth began to cry, "Don't say that! He will wake up and he'll be fine!"

I hugged her and tried to reassure her, "He will be fine. I promise he will be."

Rick and Daryl returned a few hours later. He gave Maggie and Carol everything and they began to clean and redress Hershel's leg.

Rick pulled me aside, "I need you to come with me. I got Beth's test. You'll go with her and I'll stand watch. Okay?"

"Okay. But we need to talk afterwards. Not about Beth, not about her baby or mine, but about us, Rick."

"Fine, we'll talk. Now come on so we can get this over with."

"Here Beth," I said giving her the test, "Go over there. I'll hold the light for you, Rick's outside keeping watch."

3 minutes later we both looked at the test. Beth started cryin' again. It was positive.

"Oh sweetie, it'll be okay. Everything will be fine," I said, trying to convince myself more than her.

"Y'all done? We need to get back inside before everyone gets worried," Rick told us.

"We're done," I told him as he looked at Beth and she nodded.

"Rick, we need to have that talk now," I said to him once we were back inside.

"Okay. Say what you need to say."

"I know I've said it before but what happened between me and Shane meant nothing. I did fall for him but he wasn't you. I have always loved you and I always will. I'm truly sorry for what I did to you, to us, to our family. I can't take it back and I don't expect you to forget about it but I am asking you for forgiveness. I'm asking you to please acknowledge that I'm your wife, at least act like you care. We need to be a family. Please forgive me, Rick. Tell me what Ineed to do to make that happen. Please!"

"I do care about you, Lori. I can't forgive you for what you did, not right anyway and I don't know if I ever can but it doesn't mean that I don't love you. I've never stopped loving you. But I can't forgive you, I just can't."

When he was done he turned around and walked out without saying another word and without looking at me.

I stood there for a while, just thinking. There may not be a way to fix things between Rick and I right now but maybe I can get everything settled and deal with Beth. All I need to do is talk to Maggie and she'll make sure Beth does what's best. I just have to talk to her without Rick, Daryl or Beth finding out.

If I can do that, then it'll be Maggie and Hershel's problem and Rick wont have to worry about or protect her. It'll be one less problem for him and then maybe we could try work things out. I have to get him back somehow.

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