Finger on the Trigger

Going Off the Deep End


Beth-

My mama, my brother, Jimmy, Otis and Patricia were all gone now. All that remained of my family was daddy and Maggie. Daddy treated me like a child he wanted to keep shielded from the world and all Maggie wanted to do was boss me around and act like I was completely helpless, like I had no mind of my own and therefore, couldn't think for myself. Well, here I am, my life has been reduced to this, nothing more than a burden to those I love and to what was left of the world. I needed to go, to get away from here but I couldn't run, I could barely bring myself to go downstairs to eat. I heard them calling my name but I just couldn't bring myself to answer. I was lost to the world in my own thoughts. Everyone had things to do but nope, not me, all I was assigned to do was stay out of the way unless I was asked to help the others but they never asked, they just stared at me and whispered amongst themselves. I was jolted out of my own thoughts when someone suddenly opened my bedroom door, it was Lori.

"Hey sweetie," she said, "I'm sorry I startled you but we were all getting worried. I figured you needed some alone time so I brought you lunch."

"Thank you," I replied, "you didn't have to bring me anything, I'm really not that hungry anyway."

Lori walked over and sat the tray on my nightstand before taking a seat on my bed, she patted the spot next her and said, "Come sit down," I slowly walked over and took a seat next to her, "I want you to know that I'm here for you, its hard dealing with loss at any age but with the way the world is now, I can only imagine how hard it is to process and deal with everything you've gone through recently. You're still so young that you shouldn't have to be going through this, especially not on your own. Now before you say anything, I wanted to tell you that I've talked to Hershel and Maggie and while they both want what's best for you, they're not entirely sure what to do. Maggie didn't like the idea of leaving you alone and giving you space but your father agrees with me. So, if you feel you can't talk to either one of them just yet, maybe it would be easier to talk to someone you don't know..."

"Lori," I interrupted her, "I don't think I can go on living like this. I have nothing to live for. Most of everyone I love is gone, Maggie has Glenn, she doesn't need me. I tried to talk to daddy about it but all he had to say was that I should open my Bible, I should read it and know that my faith can get me through this. But, I'm not so sure I believe anymore, I want to believe but I don't." I hung my head as tears started to fall. The devout Christian girl I once was is gone and now I can only think about committing a sin that I'm not sure would be forgiven by God or my family. "Sometimes you just have to believe and have faith no matter what," she said, "sometimes that's all you have. Prayers may not mean much to you right now but it still doesn't hurt to try." I picked my Bible up off the bed and in that moment, I made up my mind, I dried my tears, raised my head and thanked Lori for her help. She politely smiled and before leaving my room she said, "Anytime, Beth. I'm here whenever you need me." But that's just it! I didn't need her, I didn't need anyone else. After a few minutes, I tossed my Bible aside.

I looked at the tray of food and reached for the knife, it had to be done. As I walked into the bathroom, I sat down on the floor and all my fears seemed to be gone. "You can do this Beth," I said aloud. I brought the knife to my left wrist and sliced it, just as I raised it to my right wrist, I suddenly stopped. "I don't wanna die," I cried out again and again, almost screaming. Maggie and Lori must have heard me because they came running in and hurriedly wrapped my wrist in bandages.

"Beth Annamarie Greene, what the hell is wrong with you?!" Maggie yelled and then she drew back and slapped me before continuing, "That's for being a selfish bitch and trying to take the easy way out. How do you think dad will feel about this? How do you think I feel? Huh? Did you even consider anyone else but yourself? If your Mom was here, she would be so disappointed in you!" Maggie stormed off while Lori just stood there staring at me, the look on her face was almost motherly.


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