Words That Hurt - Part I
The next mornin' when I woke up, I was still wrapped up in Rick's arms.
"Hey, you feelin' okay?" He asked.
"Yeah, I guess so. Where's Judith?"
"She's with Carl. Him and Carol are takin' care of her."
I raised up, "I wanna see her."
"Well, come on. You need to eat first. Then you can see her." He held out his hand and helped me off the bed.
When we walked into the common room I was behind him holdin' on to his shirt, everyone was staring.
"Oh Bethie," Maggie ran to me, "I'm so glad you're here with us."
She tried to hug me but I backed away shakin', "Please don't."
"Bethie? What's wrong?"
I held my hand out in front of me to stop her, "Please don't...Don't touch me."
"Beth, I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm just so glad you're back."
She reached out to me again but I backed away and ran to my cell. She followed me.
"So what's with you? You can let Rick sleep in here, in the same bed with you. He can touch you and do God knows what else with you but you won't even let me hug you. Beth, I'm your sister. That's what I'm here for, I'm supposed to help you through things and I want to. Why won't you let me?"
"Beth?" Rick said from outside the cell.
"No!" Maggie jumped up, "Rick, you need to leave now. You don't get to be here for her while she's pushin' me away. I'm her sister, you're nothin' but the bastard that knocked her up!"
"I just wanna make sure she's alright."
"She's fine! Now go!"
I was cryin' and shakin' when she came back, "Don't yell at him! It's not his fault!" I told her through tears.
"Beth, what happened? What did they do to you?" She sat down on the floor in front of me.
I just shook my head.
"If you won't tell me, then I'm goin' to get daddy. You fan tell him"
"No, I want Rick!" I cried.
She huffed and hit the bed, "Why do you want him? Huh?" She looked at me but I couldn't answer. "Fine! If you want him, you can have him but you're losin' me! You need help. Whatever happened, fucked you up. So make your choice, family or Rick."
I couldn't believe what she was sayin' and I didn't know how to respond. She took my silence as an answer and left.
A few minutes later Rick came back in. He sat down on the bed next to me but didn't say anything.
"Did y'all kill them?" I finally asked
"I...um...I killed Shane, he's really gone this time. But the Governor, we...we couldn't find him."
"He's still out there," I cried.
Rick pulled me into a hug, "He's not gonna hurt you. I won't let him," he paused, "Beth, what did they do to you?"
"The Governor made me...do things...he raped me. He...he let his men take turns...then Shane," I stuttered, "I begged them to stop but they wouldn't."
It felt like someone had kicked me when she said that, I pulled back from her and cupped her face in my hands.
"They..he raped you?!"
She was cryin' so hard all she could do was shake her head "yes".
I hurried out of her cell with her grabbing for my arm, "Rick please don't leave me. You promised you wouldn't leave me."
I turned around and took her in my arms, "I'm not leavin' you. I'll be right back. Just go back to your cell and I'll get Carl to bring Judith to see you. Okay?"
She wiped her eyes, "Okay."
"Carl, carry Judith in there to see Beth," I told him when I got into the common room, "Hershel, where's Maggie?"
"She's outside with Carol. They're showin' the people from Woodbury around. Is everything alright with Bethie?"
"Yeah, yeah she's fine. Scared is all."
It took me a little while but I finally found Maggie.
"Maggie! I need to talk to you!"
"Is somethin' wrong with Beth?"
"Not right now but..."
"If there's nothin' wrong with her, then you and I have no reason to talk."
"Maggie, stop!" I grabbed her arm, "Beth needs you."
"No she doesn't, Rick. She has you."
"Get your ass in there and act like her fuckin' sister instead of a bitch! She needs you, Maggie." I lowered my voice, "They...they raped her. That's why she pushed you away but she needs you. You're her sister."
"They raped her," Maggie said shakily.
She fell to her knees cryin', "Oh my God. I thought they just beat her, like...like they did with me and Glenn."
"Maggie," I knelt down next to her and put my hands on her shoulders, "Beth needs you. You just have to be careful not to make any sudden moves and let her know she's gonna be safe with you."
"No Rick. I told her if she wanted you, she was losin' me. I asked her to choose," she cried.
"Just because she wants me around doesn't mean she doesn't want you there too. Please go be with her, I can't right now and she needs someone to be there for her. Don't raise your voice or you'll scare her."
She nodded, "okay."
"Maggie, I'm not gonna hurt Beth."
"I know you won't but she's my baby sister. I just want what's best for her," she said before leavin'.
I couldn't go back in there and face her. It was my fault, all of it.
"Beth," Maggie was standin' in the doorway.
"If you're here to yell at me, you can leave," I was layin' on the bed facing the wall.
"I'm not gonna yell at you, Bethie, I'm done with that."
She sat down next to me but I didn't turn over to face her.
"I know Rick won't hurt you, he's lookin' out for you, like we all are," she continued, "He told me what they did to you. Bethie, I'm sorry for the way I've acted. I'm sorry for everything. I love you."
"I love you too, Maggie."
"If you need anythin', I'm here for you." I flinched when she touched my arm. "I'm sorry," she said before leavin'.
I almost wished she hadn't left. I didn't like being alone, mostly because I felt like I was back in that room, waitin' for somethin' bad to happen. I couldn't even close my eyes without seein' all of their faces and I could still feel them touchin' me.
I was left alone in my cell for hours. Occasionally someone would come to check on me and bring me somethin' to eat but for the most part I was alone. Alone with my thoughts and memories.
It was gettin' dark when Rick came back in and for the first time, I didn't want him there.
"Beth, you feelin' alright?"
"I'm fine," she sighed, "You don't have to stay in here tonight."
"I told you I'm not leavin' you."
She raised up and faced me, "I don't want you in here!"
I sat down next to her, "Beth, what's wrong?"
She shook her head, "I don't want this baby."
I looked at her incredulously, "Wh...What do you mean, you don't want the baby? You were excited about it before..."
"Yeah, I was, before. But I don't want anythin' of Shane's. I don't wanna look at this baby and know it's his...or see him."
"We've already talked about this. It's not Shane's. I told you I'm gonna be there, I'm the father."
I reached for her hands but she pushed me away.
"No you're not. You're not the father, Rick. You don't understand, I don't want the baby. I don't want anythin' of his! All it would do is remind me of him and what he did. That's what he wanted. I could never love it."
"Beth, please stop. We can figure somethin' out. Let's just talk about it. We can make it work."
"No, we can't. Besides, you don't get a say in this. The baby isn't yours, it's mine. But it is your fault! You should've left when daddy asked you to. You shouldn't have stayed! If you had of left, none of this would've happened. Shane wouldn't have raped me, I wouldn't have gotten pregnant, we wouldn't of had to leave our home, none of this would have happened. It's all your fault!" She cried.
Her words hit me hard. I blamed myself for this and she had every right to blame me too. I wasn't mad at her, she was right, it was my fault.
"I don't want you in here," she yelled, "get out!"
"Okay, I'm goin'."
She turned back over and faced the wall. I knew I wouldn't be sleepin' tonight so I went to relieve someone from watch.
While in the guard tower all I could think about was Beth and what she had said. She doesn't want the baby?! What the hell was she thinkin'? What the fuck is she gonna do?