In Which

The Doctor and the Master Investigate

I dedicate this to my friend Anna, who gave me the idea, and to David Tennant and John Simm. If they ever read this, I hope they're not mad at me for destroying their characters or something...that would be weird, wouldn't it, if they actually found this? Meh...

In Which…

The Doctor and the Master Investigate Doctor Who

Jack Harkness sat in his living room, eyes on his television where the opening credits for that show that Katrina had introduced him to…Doctor Who…were playing. He had confiscated the DVD boxed sets from the coat-thief as compensation for the coat that she still had not returned to him, and he had become, for lack of better words, almost as obsessed with it as she was. In fact, he'd had Torchwood track down the guy who played him, John Barrowman or something like that, and had stalked him for three weeks because he could. Of course, he never actually approached the man, because that was taboo, but he'd stalked him.

Just as the episode he was watching was ending, Jack glanced out his window and he swore he saw the Tardis. Which was weird…he hadn't heard it materializing… then again, he had just watched a television show that involved several nearly perfect replications of the materialization noise, so it could have appeared some time during the episode. Jack walked over to his television and knelt down, figuring that, just because the Tardis was there it didn't mean that the Doctor was coming to visit him, and taking the disk out of the DVD player and setting it back in the box. He was about to put in the last disk for season 3 when he heard a knock at his door. Jack stood, walking over, and opening it to find the Doctor and the Master standing outside his apartment.

"Hello, Jack!" the Doctor said enthusiastically, giving Jack a large smile and a cheery wave. Jack stared, his eyes flicking between the Doctor and the other Time Lord, who was blonde for some reason, and wearing black jeans and a black hoodie… The Doctor nudged the Master with his elbow and he sighed, a bored expression on his face.

"Freak," he said in greeting and the Doctor frowned at him but said nothing.

"Doctor, what are you and him doing here?" Jack asked, starting off with the obvious question.

"Well," the Doctor explained, "we were in the neighborhood getting ice cream and thought we'd drop in and say hello."

"I see…" Jack said, stepping aside so the two aliens…well…two hearted aliens…could enter his house. "What happened to that Donna woman? Is she with you?"

"No, she was eaten by pigeons," the Master said and both the Doctor and Jack stared at him, not expecting his input on the conversation, both of them expecting him to simply remain silent for the entirety of the visit, glaring at them from Jack's couch or something…neither of them had expected him to actually speak.

"What?" the Doctor inquired and the Master sighed, shaking his head.


"O…kay," the Doctor said, shaking his head. His gaze moved over to Jack's TV and he frowned a little at the sight of the DVDs. "Jack, what's that? That case with me on the front?"

"Oh this?" Jack asked, wandering over and picking up the season 3 box set, holding it out for the Doctor to take. "I took this from that Katrina Lycanthrope girl…she stole my coat, so I stole her television show."

"Doctor Who," the Doctor read from the front of the box and his eyes widened a little bit. "Jack, this show is about me."

"I know. Cool, isn't it? I'm thinking of making Torchwood-" Jack started, but a look from the Doctor cut him off.

"Jack. Do you have any idea how bad this is that you have these? You have no idea what this is!" he said, tossing the DVDs onto the couch, where they bounced and fell to the floor.

"Hey!" Jack protested.

"No, you listen to me. This television show is my life. I don't want you to watch anymore," the Doctor said solemnly. Jack saw the Master glancing between them before looking over at the DVDs.

"Why's it called 'Doctor' Who? It should be called 'the Master Show'. I should be the main character…I'm much more interesting then him," the Master said, motioning to the Doctor, who let out an affronted 'hey!'. "What? It's true…"

"Look, Doctor, I can tell that you're angry with me for having this, but will you just watch an episode before you judge it?" Jack asked. The Doctor shook his head.

"No, I need to talk to the people who wrote this. I need to find out how they knew all of this," the Doctor said, his voice that same voice he used when he wanted to be dramatic. The Master rolled his eyes again.

"Really, Doctor? You bring me all the way here and we don't even get to raid his kitchen?" he asked in what could be classified as a whine.

"I have some pumpkin cream cheese if you want it… Katrina made me buy a bunch of it and it multiplies…"

The Doctor parked the Tardis a little way away from the set where the television show, Doctor Who, was being shot, and walked out of it dramatically, his coat flowing in the non-existent wind. The Master followed for a little until he got bored and went on his own to go look around while the Doctor settled his vendetta against the writers.

He was wandering about aimlessly when he came across something…someone who caught his attention. It was a man, a human man, who looked almost identical to the Master, every detail immaculate except his facial expression. Instead of being that deep frown the Master nearly constantly had when he was wandering around alone, this guy wasn't frowning. He stared for a moment at the guy, not quite sure how to react, before doing the obvious thing and walking over, scowling.

"You. Who are you?" he asked and the man looked a little startled for a moment before he relaxed.

"Oh, hello," he said calmly. "I'm John…" the man said, waiting for any recognition that the Master may have had toward who he was. "John Simm."

"I am the Master," said the Master. "Why do you look like me?"

"Oh, I see, a fan," said John Simm, nodding slightly. "You did a good job on your costume."

"I'm not wearing a costume, I'm the Master…" he said, irritated. "The guy you play in this stupid show."

"You're the Master?" he asked, "Really?"

"Yes, really. The Doctor is around here somewhere too…"

"Did I hear something about the Doctor?" asked a seemingly random Scottish accented voice from behind the Master and the Master turned to see someone who looked nearly identical to the Doctor, except that he was holding a cup of coffee and the Master knew that the Doctor hated coffee.

"David," said John, "this guy thinks he's the Master. Isn't that interesting?" The Master scowled at him. This new man, identified as 'David', walked over and grinned at the Master.

"Well, he does look like the Master…" he said, giving the Master a once over before taking a sip of his coffee. The Master sighed heavily.

"I don't just look like the Master. I am the Master. I've already told this guy," he motioned to John, still irritated.

"Master, I couldn't find the writers, but…" called the Doctor, who was walking over to join the little group of the Master and the two human actors. He paused, looking between the Master and John Simm, eyebrows furrowed. "Hang on…no, don't tell me," he groaned, "you talked to your actor, didn't you? Master, you're not meant to do that!"

"Oh my god, Doctor!" exclaimed David, dropping his coffee and staring at the Doctor with a large grin on his face. The Doctor looked at him, unsure if he should be amused or continue to be irritated with the Master. David turned to John, still grinning. "I told you he was real," he said before moving forward and touching the Doctor's arm, jerking his hand back. "I touched him, he really exists!"

"Why didn't I get this kind of reaction?" the Master grumbled, sulking some more. He looked over at John, who was watching David with an amused expression on his face. The actor looked back over to the Master.

"I'm not as much of a fan as David is," he explained. The Master nodded, his scowl deepening just a little more.

"So he gets fans and I don't?" the Master inquired dully, watching as David proceeded to poke the Doctor several times, talking very quickly, asking what seemed to be a thousand questions about what kind of things the Doctor did on a daily basis and whatnot.

"Oh, we get fans too, don't worry. He's just the main character."

"Ah," said the Master, beginning to grow even more bored of the situation. He walked forward, grabbing David by the back of his coat collar, pulling him slowly away from the Doctor, who he seemed to want to cling to. The human pouted. "Time to go, isn't it, Doctor?"

"But he just got here…" David protested.

"Yeah, it is…sorry we couldn't stay longer. We have a thing to do," the Doctor said and the Master almost face-palmed. A 'thing to do'. Really. He'd thought by now the Doctor would be able to come up with better excuses…but apparently not…

"Yeah, there's an issue with the Daleks…it's important," the Master elaborated and the Doctor nodded.

"Right…so…" he said, reaching over and taking the Master's hand, stepping back a few steps, waving at their human clones. "Take care."

With that, he ran, tugging the Master behind him, back to the Tardis. He ran because he'd seen that several other people had seen them, and, since he was the main character of a popular television show, didn't want to be mobbed by fans.

"He didn't even sign my sonic screwdriver…" David said to John, watching as the two Time Lords ran away.

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