Jack Harkness Buys Cream Cheese
Jack Harkness Buys Cream Cheese
Jack Harkness sat in the Torchwood hub at his desk, bored to tears. He hadn't been this bored in centuries. He was literally going to die of boredom if he didn't figure out something to do besides paperwork and computerized solitaire. He debated about actually doing his work, but decided that was a futile endeavor; he had better things to do then to create a list of every single life form in the galaxy. The clock ticked so slowly that it seemed to barely move at all. Just one more minute and Jack could go home. When the minute hand moved to the next number and the clock finally displayed 4:50, Jack got up from his desk and calmly walked over to punch himself out. He didn't let his joyous shout escape his throat until he was outside the building.
Jack stuck his key in the lock and pushed the door slightly, finding it unlocked. Frowning, he pulled out his gun and flipped off the safety, slowly opening the door and stepping briskly inside.
"Oi! Don't shoot! Don't shoot!" called a girl from the couch, holding up one of her hands and almost dropping the laptop she had on a pillow on her lap. She wore gray pajama pants, a purple sweatshirt, and a pair of black glassless glasses. Her hair was mused slightly, but still neat enough to see that it fell to her chin, and her gray-green eyes were wide with shock.
"Who are you and why are you in my house?" Jack demanded and the girl moved her laptop off of her lap, setting it on the couch and raising her other hand.
"My name is Katrina Lycanthrope. I'm here because my WiFi is down in my house and your house was the first random location I showed up in, seeing as though I'm writing about you, see?" she asked, turning the laptop to show Jack what was written in the Microsoft Word document. He read over the first paragraph to find it an exact rundown of what he'd been doing five minutes before.
"Huh, wow, that's, that's really weird," he said, blinking. Katrina nodded, smiling slightly.
"Yep, I know. My sole purpose is to follow you around today and write down what you're doing. It's rather intriguing," she said calmly and Jack frowned slightly.
"Um, alright then," Jack said and Katrina nodded again.
"Alright. So, I saw you had some bagels in your kitchen. Get me one," she demanded and Jack blinked once more.
"Um, that isn't very polite," he muttered and Katrina narrowed her eyes.
"I'm starving, Harkness, and I want a bagel…with pumpkin cream cheese if that isn't too much trouble," she said, smiling brightly. Jack flinched at her sudden change in mood.
"I don't have any pumpkin cream cheese. I have regular cream cheese," Jack said and Katrina glared, pulling out a metal cylinder and pushing a button. A red beam appeared and she held the red laser beam up to Jack's neck, lips pulled back in a snarl.
"Then buy some," she hissed and Jack nodded, picking up his wallet and running from the room in a mixture of confusion and irritation.
Jack was back at his house half an hour later with a small tin of pumpkin cream cheese tucked into his jacket pocket. He found the teenager lounging in front of his television, still typing away at her laptop.
"I brought you your pumpkin cream cheese," he said, producing the small tin of orangey cheese spread. Katrina looked up and frowned.
"What pumpkin cream cheese?" she asked, turning her focus back to the television. The screen displayed the title screen for a television program called Doctor Who. Jack completely ignored this, stepping in front of said screen, blocking it from view. "Hey! Jack, move! I like this episode…it's the one where the Doctor almost gets killed on that Xtonic planet!"
"What pumpkin cream cheese? You threatened me with a laser to go get you some pumpkin cream cheese and now you don't want any?" Jack yelled and Katrina tried to look around him at the TV.
"No I didn't. I never asked for any pumpkin cream cheese," she said, eyebrows furrowed. Jack turned and banged his head against the wall.
"Yes you did, I swear you asked me for a bagel with pumpkin cream cheese. I told you I only had regular and you threatened me with a laser!" he said confidently and Katrina slowly shook her head.
"No, Jack…do I look like I'd threaten someone with a laser for something as trivial as pumpkin cream cheese?" she asked calmly and Jack shook his head. "Exactly. If it wasn't I who threatened you, then there was no need to have bought pumpkin cream cheese at all. I don't even like cream cheese."
"But you said-" Jack protested. Katrina shook her head.
"No I didn't. Really, Jack. I don't want pumpkin cream cheese. All I want is to watch this episode of Doctor Who and then I'll go home. Promise," she said calmly and Jack rubbed his forehead.
"Of course…of course," Jack mumbled, flopping down onto the couch next to the teenage girl and staring at the screen. She didn't leave until Jack had seen four more episodes of the Doctor Who television show and had eaten all of the pumpkin cream cheese. Jack, finally alone, got up and went to his bedroom. He opened his closet and found one of his coats missing. Looking out the window, he saw Katrina Lycanthrope running down the sidewalk, laptop bag in hand, his coat whipping in the wind.
"Damn you, Katrina Lycanthrope!" he shouted angrily, knowing that she had stolen his very favorite coat.