Lost- Clexa

Chapter 17

Chapter 17:

Lexa was seething. How dared Clarke tell her she loved her after what she had just done? What was the blonde expecting of Lexa after that confession? To forgive her? To love her back? To let what happened be forgotten? Because the brunette could never forget it. What Clarke had done would haunt Lexa till the end of her days. Trusting the blonde, loving her had turned out to be Lexa's biggest mistake. A mistake that could not be undone. A mistake that had cost her the lives of thousands of her people. A mistake that had caused her the loss of a coalition she had spent half her life to build. A mistake that had reminded Lexa that love was weakness. Clarke had wiped out thousands of Lexa's people in the blink of an eye. Lexa had trusted her enough to let her lead while she fought to provide her protection. Lexa did understand that Clarke had no choice but what infuriated Lexa was that Clarke had the nerve of saying those forbidden words after what she had just done. Lexa did not need to hear that. She did not need to see tears in those blue eyes. She did not need to see agony in those same beautiful eyes she once could marvel in but now couldn't tear her own away from what horror that blue could hide. She did not need to feel sympathy for the blonde in her heart because Clarke did not deserve it. Lexa knew what she deserved. Blood must have blood. She deserved death. Death by Lexa's hands.

With the mantra prevailing in her mind, she pushed Clarke off herself and straddled her. She was about to draw out the dagger hidden in her pants' pocket when she felt how motionless Clarke's body was under hers. Clarke wasn't struggling in the slightest. She was still, waiting for her impending doom. Furious green eyes looked into the Sky Heda's guilty blue ones. The blue, lifeless, dead, tear-filled eyes. There was one emotion prevailing the storm of emotions in them - pain. Overwhelming pain. Before Lexa knew what she was doing, she was off the other girl and rushing out of the room.

She could feel her eyes beginning to sting. She fought tears from falling down. Crying now would only prove her weakness for the blonde and she refused to believe that Clarkestill had a hold on her. She could not let her have that power over her. She willed herself not to cry, and her eyes and sinuses burned inside her head. She managed to hold back her tears, accumulating extra wetness in her eyes that she blinked fiercely away.

As her vision cleared, she saw her warriors injured and slumped down near the staircase. Pushing all the hurt, guilt, and pain away for her face, Lexa ran towards them. She quickly got to Octavia's injuries first; no matter what happened between Indra and her second, Lexa had always considered Octavia as Trikru. She had proved herself to Lexa. Octavia had a deep gash on her thigh and her pants were soaked in blood.

"Heda." She croaked.

Lexa nodded reassuringly and tore her red sash to wrap it around Octavia's leg.

Octavia's eyes widened. She recalled Indra telling her the sash was to never be taken off. According to the grounder culture, it had some essence of the Commander's spirit and was an essential part of the Commander. It had been passed on from the past Commanders to the present one.

"Your sash-"

"Do not worry about it, Okteivia kom Trikru." Lexa said, shaking her head. Clarke had taught Lexa to be flexible and not to follow her traditions as if her life depended on it.

Octavia managed to smile gratefully despite the agony Lexa knew she was going through. She was strong. Lexa approved of her.

After quickly patching up Octavia the best she could, she made her way to Echo to find her being already attended by the blonde-haired girl. Clarke had tied a sling around Echo's arm and around her shoulder; much similar to the one she had Lexa when they were attacked by pauna. The memory did nothing but exacerbate Lexa's suffering. The blonde was nearly done with her work and Lexa quickly turned her head towards Octavia. She could not look at Clarke without wanting tokill her, yet she knew that she just couldn't kill her. She should have killed her, but she couldn't. She didn't know how long she would wait before finally gaining the courage to tear her apart as she deserved but at present, she knew she didn't have the energy to do so.

Lexa helped Octavia up who, once she was on her feet, tried to walk on her own but stumbled. Lexa put Octavia's arm around her shoulders despite Octavia's protests.

"Heda, I am not weak." She said through gritted teeth.

"I am aware, Octavia. However, warriors do need help sometimes."

Octavia opened her mouth to say something but Lexa cut her off,

"Echo, are you well?"

"Sha, Heda." She replied as though she could muster in spite of a weak voice.

"Clarke, where are Wick and Raven?" Octavia asked.

Lexa stiffened at the question and watched impassively as the little remaining colour drained off Clarke's face. There was no way they could have survived the nuclear radiations.

"I- I am not-"

"What became of the bomb?" She asked sharply, her eyes boring into Clarke's. Lexa could feel the tension in Octavia by her tone alone. She really wasn't sure what Octavia would make of Clarke's decision once she got to know about it. Lincoln was in the villages near Polis. Octavia knew Nyko had asked him to gather some herbs from there. While her brother Bellamy was in Camp Jaha. Would she be relieved that Bellamy was safe? Or would she want to kill Clarke for evaporating Lincoln?

"I could only save-"

Lexa found there the courage to end her love's life. Her hand moved to her dagger strapped on her thigh but Octavia's weight made her unable to pull it out. Clarke stopped mid sentence as her eyes followed Lexa's hand. She instinctively moved back but Lexa nodded her head once and Echo blocked her retreat, standing right behind Clarke.

"What is happening?" Octavia finally asked, panic in her voice.

"Clarke! Come here! Please tell me you can patch her up." Wick's voice echoed all of a sudden in the corridor.

All eyes turned towards Wick's form descending down the stairs. He was cradling a motionless Raven in his arms.

Clarke ignored the hostile elements around her and ran towards her friend. She quickly placed her fingers on Raven's wrist to feel her pulse. There was none.

Clarke pressed her fingers harder to feel something, anything, hoping for a pulse, even a faint one. She grabbed her friend's wrist with both hands. Waiting. Closing her eyes harder. Tears started to slip past the closed eyelids as she realized the waiting was in vain.

"Clarke please..." Wick begged.

Clarke prayed silently to whatever Gods out there and she reached gingerly for Raven's neck, hovered over her pulse point a second and pressed the same desperate fingers. She closed her eyes again, hoping to feel a small twitch of her friend's carotid. Willing Raven's body to show some sign of life. And she waited some more. One. Two. Three.

A pulse.

A very dim pulse.

But a pulse nonetheless.

"She's alive but barely. Put her on the floor." Clarke instructed; the worry of her own life forgotten, assuming she had any.

She quickly ripped open Raven's shirt to expose parts of shards embedded in her abdomen. There was red liquid everywhere. It now coated Clarke's hands too as she quickly but carefully removed the iron fragments.

"I need water to clean her up."

Just as the words were out of her mouth, she was presented with it. She looked up in question to find Lexa holding her pouch of water towards her. Clarke didn't have time to read her expressions or try to figure out the meaning of the gesture. Her friend was moments away from leaving her forever. She could not have another death on her hands.

Wick took off his shirt and handed it to Clarke who soaked the cloth with water and started to clean the wounds. She heard Octavia limping towards the scene but she didn't bother turning or telling her about Raven's condition because it was clearly visible to everyone. She wasn't willing to give anyone else false hope anymore.

"I need some bandages or some material to stop the bleeding. She has already lost a lot of blood. If she loses more I fear we might lose her."

"I'll go look for them. I am sure this place must have something." Wick gently put Raven's head on the floor and ran downstairs.

"Clarke, apply this. Indra had taught me how to make this ointment, it salves pain." Octavia offered Clarke a bottle of green paste.

Clarke did as she was told and, to her relief, heard a sigh from Raven's mouth before her eyes fluttered open. She tried to speak but the anguish she was feeling wouldn't allow her to utter a word.

"Shh, Rae. Don't push yourself."

But Raven was hardly known for taking orders.

"Princess, I know how to -" And she fainted.

"I couldn't find bandages. These rags were only what I thought could be used instead. I found some alcohol too." Wick said as he ran towards the group.

Clarke took the materials from his hand and, saying nothing, poured alcohol on the wounds marking Raven's abdomen. The burning pain brought Raven back to consciousness and she instinctively tried to move away from Clarke.

"Let me just clean the wound properly Raven. It'll be just a few moments." Clarke murmured.

This however did not stop Raven from thrashing wildly when Clarke poured more of the burning liquid on the totally torn skin. Wick, who was holding Raven's hands, failed to protect Clarke from her kicks and Clarke was momentarily knocked on the side by the protests. Clarke didn't have to worry anymore about Raven's aggressive limbs when she got up as Lexa was holding her still. Clarke thanked her with a small nod, not daring to look into those green piercing eyes. Once the wounds were cleaned with alcohol, Clarke applied the grounder salve on them and wrapped the rags around Raven's torso.

Raven had visibly relaxed in the past few minutes but was still breathing heavily.

"Give her some water to drink." Clarke instructed.

Wick complied and, after a few gulps, Raven managed to say,

"Bitch, you have alcohol and you are making me drink water?"

Clarke chuckled despite the tension in the room and handed the bottle to Raven. However, someone else's hand stopped her.

"How are you alive?" Lexa asked.

"Honestly, I think she is just super lucky. She was so close to the missile that-" Wick started.

"Missile?" Clarke questioned.

"Yes. The pointy thing is called a missile Clarke." Wick answered a bit bewildered that Clarke didn't know what a missile looked like.

"I know what a missile looks like, Wick." Clarke said, rolling her eyes.

"Then why-"

"A nuclear bomb exploded, not a missile." Clarke stated, earning gasps from Octavia and Echo. Lexa just clenched her jaw. Clarke didn't need to look at her to know this.

Wick on the other hand sighed in despair,

"The camera wasn't working?"

"Stop stalling and say what you have to." Lexa ordered as she stood up, the sheer action speaking volumes of who was in charge now. Clarke gulped.

"Our Electronic Pulse Generator wasn't powerful enough to disable the bomb and it was clear we were going to fail trying to shut them out one by one, as the little device in our hands allowed. I knew it was not possible but yet I kept on going. There was nothing else I could do." Wick paused before continuing again.

"Raven, however, spotted a missile. A missile can be used to produce a large radius of EMP. All you need to do is capture a missile silo that has an intercontinental ballistic missile inside and launch it, then detonate it when it's a few hundred kilometres above the surface of the planet. Raven did just that. But the missile controls were too close to the missile, as I assume it was still in the process of being built and so Raven suffered. She-"

Wick continued on what happened after that but Clarke wasn't listening. She turned her head and met Lexa's eyes Both had the same question in them. Lexa was the one who had the force to voice it.

"The bomb didn't explode?"

"...so she failed to run. What commander?" Wick asked, caught off guard.

"The bomb didn't explode?" This time she couldn't keep her voice emotionless. In truth, it was laced with hope.

"No, I told you-"

But Lexa was once again gone. However, this time Clarke followed her.

Lexa took the stairs 3 at the time till she reached the rooftop. She had to make sure what Wick had said was true before assuming anything. Before believing that her people were safe, that they were not wiped out. Before assuming Clarke had not killed them.

As soon as she stepped on the roof, heat greeted her. It was really really hot but that did not stop Lexa from moving forward. She needed to see it.

She moved towards the source of heat till she saw a huge dam that was labelled as "Danger."

"This is the bomb." A voice behind her whispered. Lexa didn't turn around. She knew whose voice it was but she didn't want to acknowledge it though she knew she had to as the footsteps of the owner of the voice approached her. She nodded, hoping that would stop the blonde from moving towards her. She didn't.

Instead, trembling hands were placed on her shoulders. They grew firm as they turned the Commander around, making her face the intruder.

"Lex, they are all fine."

These words were the Commander's undoing and she, for the first time, broke down in tears in front of another human being willingly. She let herself be wrapped in the arms of the Sky Princess. She let her tears wet Clarke's shirt. She let Clarke murmur nonsense as she stroked her hair. She let Clarke's soothing scent engulf her. Lexa let go of all her fears, all her guilt, all her pain, in the tears that left her eyes. She let herself become bare of all the feelings. She let herself be held by Clarke even when the sobs stopped. She let Clarke wipe out the remnants of tears on her face. She let her plant soft kisses on her face. However, when Clarke's face moved back and her eyes asked silent permission by drifting to Lexa's lips, Lexa pushed Clarke away and distanced herself from her, taking two steps back in two long strides. Clarke's eyes flew up to Lexa's as she read into the action. The eyes that were so filled with emotions a moment ago were now void of any.

"Lexa, please. I am sorry." Clarke begged.

"I know you are." Lexa said, her voice concealing in every way possible what had just transpired between them.

"Your people are safe." Clarke further said.

"I know they are." Lexa answered monotonously.

"I...I love you."

"I know you do." This time her voice wavered a bit.

Clarke took a small step forward and waited for Lexa to take another one back. She didn't.

This encouraged Clarke to take another one forward.

Lexa's jaw clenched and she balled her hands into fists to remain motionless and focused.

Clarke's hand came up and ran across Lexa's jaw line.

"Do you not love me?" She whispered, her voice hesitant, nervous and full of vulnerability.

And this was what made Lexa bend down, put her hand on Clarke's neck and gently bring her in for a kiss. Clarke closed her eyes as Lexa's lips came in contact with hers. Lexa kissed her softly, like she would break any moment. She kissed her like she was a ghost who would disappear at the first gust of wind. She kissed her like she was the most precious thing in the world. She kissed her like no one had. She kissed her with so much care and so much love. She kissed her like she was intending to plant the memory of this kiss forever in Clarke's mind. She kissed her like this was the last kiss.

Lexa broke the kiss but kept her forehead in contact with the other girl's as she whispered,

"You hold my heart, Klark."

Clarke's eyes fluttered open at the sound of her name from Lexa's lips. She had a way of saying her name, a way of pronouncing it that made Clarke love it every time. She loved her name on Lexa's lips.

"But love is not enough for us, Clarke." Lexa added in a sigh.

"But it is." Clarke protested. She knew what was coming.

Lexa shook her head and, willing herself to stay strong, continued.

"We both are leaders to our people and we both have proved that they will always come first as they should. We cannot have a future together in this life, Clarke. However, in next-"

"Stop with the next life bullshit right here, Commander. I want you in this life, in this world." Clarke said angrily.

"You had killed my people, Clarke of the Sky People." Lexa said, gritting her teeth.

"But did they really die?" Clarke fired back.

"Did you do anything to stop that? No."

"I didn't have a choice! I didn't want to hurt your people but I couldn't let mine die either!" Clarke desperately argued.

"I know." Lexa whispered and gave Clarke a meaningful look. Clarke shut up as she realised what Lexa was trying to say. They could never be together and be leaders of their people at the same time. It was not possible for either of them to not be leaders of their people. However, it was possible for them to not be lovers.

Silence enveloped them but neither dared to break it. In fact, they relished the precious few moments they had together because, after that, they both knew their ways would part.

"It's time to go, Clarke." Lexa said resigned.

Clarke nodded and followed Lexa as she walked towards the staircase. However, she halted after a few steps and turned around to the blonde who had a questioning look on her face.

"I wanted to kill you after what you did." Lexa confessed.

"I know." Clarke said, smiling.

Her smile brought a frown on her face and she raised an eyebrow.

"It's just...it was so expected of you. Yet, you did not kill me." Clarke explained.

"I did not...I probably could not." Lexa further confessed.

Clarke hummed before asking,

"Lexa...do...do you forgive me?"

"There is nothing to forgive you for. We are even now." A pause. "We both are leaders." Lexa added and walked away.

Clarke stayed for a while as she absorbed the meaning behind the simple sentence that Lexa had said. They were leaders. They belonged to their people. They had no choice of their own. No power of their own. No desire of their own.


Once they all reached the door of the building, Wick insisted that he could make the car run despite the date of its manufacture. Clarke trusted Wick for Raven and hence agreed. He quickly started off with the work.

Meanwhile, Lexa and Echo sat on their horses ready to go.

"Commander, if Wick manages to fix the car, it'll make the journey much shorter and less comfortable too. Please join us." Octavia, who was supported by Clarke in an upright position, said.

"No Octavia. We will be going to Polis not Ton DC."

"But I-"

"You are ordered to stay at Ton DC. You will be our bridge between the Sky People and the Trikru. Lincoln will join you there shortly."

"Sha Heda."

"May we meet again."

Lexa finally looked into those blue eyes whose gaze she had felt boring into her throughout the entire conversation. Lexa was surprised to find them so calm and composed. And she was proud at the blonde for this. She knew how to put up a face for her people. She knew how to be a leader for her people. However, when Clarke lips twitched upwards and gave her a small, parting smile, Lexa no longer wanted to be the leader of her people. All she wanted was to get off her horse and cover the distance better her and the Sky Heda, wrap her in her arms and never let her go. But she didn't do that. She couldn't. Instead she nodded at her and motioned her horse forward. Behind her she could hear the roaring of the car as it came to life. Under normal circumstances she would have tried to quench her curiosity and watched the show but she couldn't do it in this place with all the memories it held. Memories of letting go of the one person who had managed to break through her walls. Memories of being broken and being rebuilt by her. Memories of wanting to kiss her and kill her. Memories of Clarke Griffin at her best and at her worst.

This place wasn't only painful because of these new memories. It was painful because it held the memories of Costia too. This place held the remnants of Costia's laugh. It held the memory of them talking about their future under a starry night. It held the memory of her teasing the Commander, of her kissing her senseless, of her loving her and of Lexa loving her back. It had a part of Lexa in it. And Lexa knew she could never have that part of her back. Coming here hadn't been as difficult as she thought it would be; she had the blonde with her, who had done a very good job at making Lexa forget about her past but now that she was alone, all the ghosts of her past were revisiting her.

She saw Echo eyeing a beautiful clearing with interest. It was just as beautiful as Lexa remembered it. Lexa didn't want to remember it, she didn't want to think about any more memories but it seemed fate was against her as her horse literally ran into the clearing. Echo chuckled as her horse followed.

Before Lexa knew it she was standing in the beautiful clearing. Echo had gone to feed the presumably hungry horses leaving Lexa alone with the crowd of happy flowers. They were of different colours and sizes yet they were all beautiful. They were content. They did not have to fight for life and run from death. They did not have hatred for yesterday or a burning desire for tomorrow. They did not have the weight of guilt, responsibility or accountability on their shoulders. They were happy staying together despite their differences. They didn't have to choose their family over their friends. They were fortunate to sing happy songs together; they were fortunate to dance peaceful songs together. They were lucky to have no human trait in them. They were lucky to not be humans. Lexa sighed audibly as she sat down on the grass and her eyes landed on the white jasmine, absorbing the sunlight happily.

Costia's favourite flowers. Lexa recalled how thrilled she was when she had found this clearing. How excited she was to show it to Costia. She recalled how annoyed Costia was as Lexa had covered her eyes and led her to this place. Costia hated suspense and mystery; she was curious by nature and wanted to disclose everything she could in minimum time. Lexa then recalled her 17 winter-old self's anticipation as she uncovered Costia's eyes. She recalled the soft gasp that had escaped Costia's mouth, the look of pure awe on her beautiful face as she took in her surroundings. She recalled her twirling in between the same flowers, which were surrounding Lexa now. She recalled Costia sniffing them and telling her excitedly about their unique scents. She recalled Costia plucking out a jasmine flower and presenting it to her. She recalled how her face heated up on the attention and she recalled Costia's soft laughter as she pointed out the red on Lexa's face. She recalled Costia putting a strand of her hair behind her ear before gently cupping her face and kissing her tenderly. She recalled the taste of Costia's lips on hers. She recalled her elated heartbeat as Costia brought their bodies closer. She recalled her own anticipation, excitement and nervousness as Cosita slowly took off her armour, carefully unbuttoned her shirt and looked at Lexa with those dark, dilated pupils. She recalled spending the entire night with Costia in this clearing. She recalled the feeling of being loved beyond bonds and being free of all her burdens. She recalled Clarke's face as she kissed her back. Clarke?!

Lexa shook her head to clear it. She was immediately brought back to the present where Echo was approaching her with the reins of both their horses. It was time to leave.

Clarke was engulfed in a hug as soon as she entered the gates of camp Jaha. Her mother had nearly knocked her down on the ground with the force of the hug.

"You are alive. You are safe." She sobbed.

"Yes mom, I am in one piece. Relax." Clarke said chuckling and trying her best to hide her own tears. At one point, she had thought she would never get to see her mom again. Never be able to tell her goodbye. Never be able to tell her how much she loved her again. But Clarke thanked the heavens she had been wrong.

Abby laughed through her tears and nodded.

"Mom, Raven needs your help." Clarke said urgently, as she saw Wick moving towards them from her periphery.

"Get her in the medical bay, Jackson." She instructed, her doctor mode taking over her motherly instinct.

Clarke was about to follow, but Indra halted her by standing right in front of her. Clarke wasn't even aware of her presence until then.

"Where is the Commander?" She snarled.

"Polis." Clarke answered flatly.

"The bomb?"

"Disposed off."

Indra merely nodded before she left camp Jaha.

Ton DC had been rebuilt a month after Clarke's journey to the City of Lights. The Sky People were invited to the inauguration of the village. Clarke didn't want to have to go to the ceremony but she couldn't convince anyone as apparently her presence had been specifically requested by the people of Ton DC. Clarke didn't want to go to that place for the obvious reason - Lexa.

However, as she had no other choice but to attend the ceremony, she found herself standing in the front of the crowd while the great Commander made a speech about the courage and bravery of the people of Ton DC. It was obvious that Lexa was trying her best not to meet the Sky Princess's eyes as she let her eyes wander to the crowd except the front centre and Clarke was more than okay with that. She couldn't look at the green eyes without wanting more from what life had given her. She couldn't let herself drown in those forest green eyes and forget how to breathe again. But fate, as usual, wasn't kind to her and Lexa had to address Clarke as she said,

"Clarke of the Sky People, the people of Ton DC have offered to make the newly built Ton DC a shared ground of both mine and your people. They want you to accept this as a gift for all that you have done. For making the Mountain Men meet their end and for saving them from the bomb."

The green eyes tried to remain as composed as possible as they met the blue ones. The Sky Princess had told her she could read her through her eyes thus Lexa was willing them to remain emotionless. Either Lexa succeeded in her mission or Clarke no longer cared for what she felt as Clarke quickly accepted the preposition and didn't approach Lexa for the entire night.

The truth was Lexa had failed miserably to keep her eyes emotionless. Clarke had read all the emotions there and it had broken and built her at the same time. Lexa was in pain but not unhappy. She was proud of her people, of their people, she was happy for them. She, however, was back to being the robot Clarke had come to know in the initial days of her meeting Lexa. Clarke wanted to cry for just knowing this. Life was so unfair; Lexa deserved happiness. Her own happiness. But Clarke knew she couldn't do anything about it anymore so she didn't even try. In fact, she tried to stay as far away from the Commander as she could throughout the celebration. She successfully managed to do so until she went to sleep - where the Commander visited her in her slumber, as it came to happen every night since their last kiss.

Lexa had visited different clans after her infamous journey to the City of Lights. She had overlooked all the affairs in the clans herself. She had gained the clans leaders' trust back. She had blossomed as the Commander like no other had. She had even managed to reach an understanding with the Ice Queen.

However, none of this had been difficult for Lexa. It had required immense effort but Lexa was a born leader and a trained warrior - she was used to this. What had been difficult was crossing path with Clarke from time to time. Crossing path but not coming face to face with her. She wanted to say so many things to her. She wanted to hear so much from her. But she couldn't. She wanted to touch the other girl, feel the pulse coursing beneath her flesh, smell her hair, touch her lips... But she couldn't. Instead she had to watch stoically as the other girl tried, with miserable attempts, to show her that she was fine, that she wasn't hurting like Lexa was. Life was unfair indeed. Clarke didn't deserve this. She deserved happiness. Lexa hated herself for being the one who had taken it away from her, yet again.

One year later:

Lexa was sitting in her bedroom in Polis, reading a book. Suddenly she heard a knock on her door, startling her from her quiet. She frowned, recalling it was past the visiting hours. When she opened the door she found Jenna, a very good friend of Vera, standing there. Lexa had grown used to her presence over time so she smiled and welcomed her in. To say Lexa was friends with Jenna was wrong. She was just an advisor to Lexa. However, Jenna had confessed her interest in Lexa a few months ago only to be turned down by the Commander, though in a very gentle manner. Lexa had explained to Jenna that she was not ready to be in any kind of relationship with anyone, her commandership didn't allow it. Since then there had been some coldness in their interactions but Lexa wasn't really bothered by it. She had said the truth and didn't regret it the slightest.

"What brings you here at this hour Jenna?" Lexa asked as Jenna took a seat on the chair Lexa was previously occupying. This left Lexa no other choice than sitting on her bed.

"I couldn't sleep, Heda." She said innocently and baited her eyes.

Lexa was no child; she knew where this was going thus replied in a rather aggressive tone,

"Then you should see a healer, Jenna. I am sure you are aware I am no healer."

"But you are the healer that my body needs." She rasped and took a few steps towards Lexa. She stopped a few millimetres away from her before adding.

"I don't want a relationship with you Leksa. Not if you are not ready. I just want you." With that she popped open the buttons of her cloak to reveal herself dressed in nothing.

Lexa eyed her for a moment. There was no denying she was beautiful. Her skin was flawless. Probably like Clarke's. She shook her head. It had been nearly a year and yet she failed to think of anyone other than Clarke in her free time. Maybe this will help.

With this thought, Lexa pressed her lips to Jenna's. Jenna's mouth was ready for her Heda's. She tried to kiss her tenderly but her Commander had other plans. She kissed her roughly and urgently. Lexa grabbed her and threw her on her bed, though a bit careful in her actions this time. Then Jenna quickly helped Lexa get rid of her shirt as the Commander crawled over her. Jenna knew that this probably meant nothing to her Commander but it meant a lot to her. She was not in love with the Commander, but she wanted her to be happy. She wanted to pleasure the Commander even if it was only for one night. She wanted that privilege.

Jenna's thoughts were brought to a halt as Lexa took in one of her peaked nipples in her mouth. She circled the perked bud with her tongue, sucked on it and nipped it between her teeth. Jenna couldn't help but think Lexa was a generous lover. This wasn't about her though. She wanted to pleasure the Commander, her Heda. With this intent, she flipped them over to have Lexa on her back and straddled her waist. She kissed her skin purposefully, leaving a hot trail of open-mouthed kisses along Lexa's torso and belly while her hands move around her body, grabbing at her breast and hips. However, as her hands moved to the buckles of Lexa's pants, she heard her murmur someone else's name. Jenna looked up to find Lexa's eyes were closed and she wasn't probably aware of who was on top of her. What name was it? Jenna wasn't sure but it hurt to know it wasn't hers nonetheless. Regardless, she continued her ministrations. But just as she was about to take Lexa's pants off, a hand stopped her. She looked up again to find a tear-soaked, broken looking Commander.

"Please leave." Lexa whispered in such a heart breaking tone that Jenna couldn't help but flinch back. She didn't ask a thing before rushing out of the Commander's room and disappearing from her line of sight forever.

Lexa wiped away the tears that had escaped her eyes as she redressed herself up. What was she thinking? That spending one night with someone else would make her forget about the blonde when a whole year apart from her couldn't? Heck, she couldn't even enjoy someone else's touch without thinking about her. Thinking about her mouth instead on her bedmate's. Thinking about her soft hands on her body instead of Jenna's. Thinking about her body pressed to the blonde's instead of the brunette's. She couldn't even stop herself from whispering Clarke's name, as she got lost in the sensations. And as soon as Lexa realized this 'therapy' wouldn't work, she asked the other woman to leave.

Lexa quickly got out of her oppressing room and out of her lonely building. She walked towards the one place where she knew she could forget all her worries for a while. She knew the time for visiting the children was anything but appropriate but when had she ever visited them during the day? She didn't want to bring the children under limelight. She didn't want them to feel the pity of others, nor did she want to be praised unnecessarily for what was her responsibility. The children of her deceased warriors were her responsibility. For all these reasons, she visited the children at night.

However, her visits were always announced. It wasn't the case this time as she was visiting them for herself. She needed them. It was a first to both doing something selfish and willingly seeking comfort from others. Her people came first, they always did and Lexa had always been the voice to emphasize that one golden duty of hers and all previous Commanders. But tonight she would put herself above their need and think about herself for once. She needed her people's strength, her wards' resilience, a reminder that she had done the right thing.

The children were asleep when she arrived and the caretaker asked if they were to be woken up. Lexa obviously declined the offer and instead watched their sleeping forms with a content smile. This was what her commandership brought; the peaceful sleep of these children, the assurance that their number wouldn't increase. This was why she couldn't hate being the Commander. This was the reminder Lexa needed.

Some part of her mind though knew this wouldn't be a strong enough reminder forever.

Clarke watched amusedly as Bellamy was making some excuse as to why he was delayed coming back from Ton DC again. His relationship with Echo was no secret to anyone but he liked to pretend that he was not head over heels in love with her. Like he did not own the soft side that Echo very clearly brought about him.

Clarke was happy for him, there was no denying that. But it still hurt her a bit to see how Bellamy and Echo were making it work despite the hindrances in their way. She sighed. They were allowed to make it work, unlike her and Le...No, she would not go there. She had no control over her dreams and unconscious longings but she would not be caught thinking about her heart's desire during the day. It had been a year. A whole year trying to not think about that one person. Every day had proven her that it was a lost cause. And after a year, Clarke knew that a whole lifetime wouldn't be enough to forget about her.

Clarke was lost in her thoughts until the sudden hustle in Camp Jaha brought her back to reality.

"What's the matter, Miller?"

"Apparently, the scouts have reported that the Commander is approaching here."


"You are asking me?"

Clarke rolled her eyes as she got up from the boulder she was resting her ass on.

She walked towards the gate and the Commander indeed was riding towards the Ark. Lexa was no longer unwelcomed in Camp Jaha. In fact people actually admired and respected her now but she had never visited them unannounced.

To Clarke's sheer damn luck, her mother had gone to Polis along with Nyko to trade some medical herbs from the city. This left Clarke to greet and deal with the Commander.

Sighing, Clarke moved her legs forward as she watched Lexa dismount her horse and tie it right next to the car that had literally saved Raven's life. The car had been used quite frequently by the Sky People since then.

"Lexa." Clarke greeted her. She hadn't had to converse with her on a one to one basis since forever and thus had always called her by her title when in her presence surrounded by others. But apparently, old habits died hard and as soon as her brain found them conversing privately, it made her tongue say the Commander's name instead of her title.

Clarke saw Lexa's lips twitch upwards before she said her name and nodded at her. Clarke had gotten used to the grounder greeting style and the lack of usage of words no longer annoyed her.

"What brings you here?"

"Can't I come for a visit?" Lexa answered by asking her own question, which took Clarke off guard. Lexa's tone was not formal at all, neither was her answer/question.

"Of-of course you can. But if you're here on business, I must inform you that my mo-the Chancellor is in Polis and won't be back for a few days." She stuttered. She then peeked behind Lexa to find no one standing with her. She had come alone.

"I didn't come here for business." Lexa looked at her expectantly and Clarke eyed her, bewildered. However, Lexa didn't say anything more but merely observed her.

Clarke could feel the people start to gather.

Gritting her teeth she said,

"Follow me Commander."

She led Lexa to the all-familiar meeting room, only to find it locked. Clarke turned around embarrassed and cursed her mom internally for locking the freaking meeting room.

"Umm...I think there's some problem with the door...let me take you elsewhere." Clarke mumbled in the face of a smirking Commander. Lexa obviously knew that the door was locked.

Clarke didn't know where else to take Lexa so she reluctantly brought her to her room.

Lexa shut the door behind her as she entered the other girl's room. Then she very casually took a seat on her bed, all the while aware of the other girl's eyes following her every movement.

"What do you want, L-Commander?" Clarke asked, mentally scolding herself for the obvious near-slip of her tongue.

"I don't want to do this again." Lexa said in an annoyed tone.

"Do what?"

"Teaching you to call me by my name like I had to after Mount Weather."

Silence followed Lexa's statement and tension filled the room.

"Well, I can't call you by your name because I don't see a reason to. We are nothing but leaders to one another."

"Can't we be friends?" Lexa asked.

"I would want to be, but I can't."


"You know why." Clarke whispered and sat beside Lexa on her bed, not meeting her eyes.

"You can either be friends with someone or be in love with them. You can't be both." Lexa answered for Clarke.

Clarke sucked in a breath but remained motionless. She couldn't say or do anything.

"Anya told me that once." Lexa continued.

Clarke could feel the wetness in her eyes and rapidly blinked to drive the tears away.

Lexa, however, was quicker. She turned sideways, and collected the tears of the blonde beauty on her fingers before they could drop down her cheeks.

"Why-why are you here, Lexa? Is it to confirm whether or not I still love you? Is it to torment me by showing what I can't have? Is it to-"

Lexa shushed her up with a kiss. She expected Clarke to kiss her back, and was taken off guard when the blonde flinched and pushed her face away from Lexa's.

"I can't. I can't do this Lexa. I can't let you kiss me when you feel like it. I can't be in a relationship with you and know it won't last. I am sorry, I...I just can't." With that, the glistering blue-eyed girl got up to leave but Lexa grabbed her wrist and stopped her from doing so.

She then gingerly turned the blonde around.

"I love you too much for that to happen. I cannot cause you any more pain. I cannot cause myself any more pain, Clarke." She said brushing her knuckles along Clarke's jaw. She took it as a positive sign when Clarke didn't flinch away from her touch.

"I thought staying away from you might dim the craving I have for you. For your love. For your presence. But I was wrong, Clarke. So wrong. My love for you only has grown."

"Lexa, please don't. You know we can never be. Don't tell me what you feel, make me feel loved because it would only make this harder for me." Clarke begged as she tried to tug her wrist away from Lexa. But Lexa wouldn't let go. She wasn't holding her as tightly that it would hurt her but she wasn't letting her go either.

"I have to make the pain stop, Clarke." She whispered.


"Please tell me you will make the pain stop, Clarke." She pleaded.

"What are you talking about, Lexa?"

Lexa bent on her knees and extracted a ring in answer to her question,

"Clarke Griffin, daughter of Abigail and Jake Griffin, will you honour me by marrying me?"

Clarke's jaw dropped on the floor as she watched the great Commander on her knees in front of her, with a ring in her hand and eyes brimming with tears.

"We can make my people and yours our people, Clarke. We can be one."

Clarke started to shake her head and Lexa quickly continued as if her life depended on what she was saying. And in a way, it was.

"Our people have intermingled in ways I did not think possible, Clarke. We have children whose parents are Triku and Skaikru. We can make it work now. That is if you accept me."

"I do, Lexa."

Lexa finally let go of her own tears as she placed the ring on Clarke's middle finger.

"Lex, the ring is placed in the finger next to this one." Clarke stated laughing.

"Bellamy didn't tell me that." Lexa mumbled as she quickly amended her mistake.

"Bellamy told you how to propose in our way?" Clarke asked surprised. When had he met Lexa? Then Clarke recalled that he had gone to the Grounder Capitol 2 months back with Echo.

"He indeed did after I informed him of our ways. Apparently he has taken quite a liking in Echo."

"He has. But enough of that. Come here." Clarke said as she brought her lips towards Lexa's. However, just as their lips were about to come in contact, thunder struck loudly, making Clarke yelp in surprise. Lexa chuckled and Clarke glared at her.

Then she pulled Lexa out of her quarters into the open area.

"Clarke, what are you doing? It's raining! Come inside!"

Clarke turned around to face the Commander and the dark look in the blonde's eyes was enough to shut her up. No more words were said between them. Anything that could be said was lost in the crash of thunder, the drum of rain, the beat of Lexa's heart.

They had been apart for far too long. Lexa ached to touch and taste Clarke. She quickly moved the dripping blonde hair away from Clarke's face as she bent her head to kiss the raindrops from Clarke's eyelashes. She pressed her cold nose against Clarke's cheek and then moved lower to her neck. As she grazed her teeth against Clarke's pulse point, Clarke gasped and tilted her chin up. Lexa took advantage, mouthing over her collarbone and sliding her tongue over her throat. She then moved her lips to Clarke's and kissed her gently. Clarke responded to the kiss immediately and pulled at Lexa's lower lip with her teeth. Lexa moaned in pleasure but cut off the kiss to look into the blonde's eyes and found the other girl smiling at her.

"I love you." Lexa said so softly that Clarke barely heard her.

"I love you too." She whispered back, staring at her lips for just a second before bringing them in contact with hers again.

"Mmm...Clarke you are so beautiful, like a zombie." Lexa said as they took another break from the kiss to breath in the air they needed.

"What?" Clarke asked in a high-pitched voice.

"I was told that zombies are beautiful creatures, Clarke." Lexa stated innocently.

"By whom?" Clarke asked as she gritted her teeth.

"Octavia." Lexa said frowning.

"Octavia is in Ton DC, right?"

"Yes." Lexa answered, bewildered.

"We are heading to Ton DC tomorrow." Clarke said with finality.

"Why?" Lexa asked, a bit lost as to why Octavia's location was relevant to their current intimate situation.

"You will see." Clarke said in a determined voice and took Lexa's hand in hers.

"Where are we going now?" Lexa asked.

"I am not a fan of PDA so I think it's time I take you back to my room."

"But Clarke...what is PDA?"

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