LOST – CHAPTER 7
READ IT CAREFULLY AND WHEN YOU HAVE TIME AS THIS IS LONG AND REQUIRES ATTENTION.
Lexa woke up in the morning as soon as the birds started chirping. She got off her bed and put on her armor. After dressing, she turned around to wake up the other being who had shared her tent last night. Smiling slightly, she couldn't help but enjoy watching Clarke's sleeping form in the narrow beam of sunlight that fell through the slit of the tent's flaps. Most of her pelts had fallen on the floor and only a small portion was covering her. Lexa also couldn't help but let her eyes roam freely around Clarke's figure. Her shirt had slightly ridden up her body, and Lexa found herself admiring the way her jeans hugged her hips and stretched tightly over her small waist. Even as she lay on her back, Lexa could see the cut of her breasts through her shirt, which was wound around her torso as if it were part of her skin. By the time her eyes made their way to the woman's face, desire was surging through Lexa's body. The beautiful gold locks were blocking her view, which really was the reason she thought Clarke was asleep. Because she wasn't. She was watching the Commander ogle her with a red face. Lexa's fingers automatically moved to remove the golden locks that covered Clarke's face. Clarke could take it no more and, before Lexa's fingers could make contact with her skin, she spoke up,
"Quit staring, Commander." She said, removing herself the hair from her face and turning around to look at the Commander.
Lexa's eyes widened comically and she immediately retracted her hands. The Commander, who had never blushed, was the colour of tomatoes. Clarke propelled her body up on the bed, which made Lexa's eyes rest on her bosom. As Clarke's shirt was tightly clinging to her torso, Lexa could easily mark out the outlines of her breast. Her mouth had gone dry and she had lost all of her senses. Clarke was amused by the sight and whispered huskily,
"My eyes are up here, Lexa."
A shudder ran through Lexa's body, hearing the blond beauty call her name, and her breath hitched. Finally her eyes made contact with Clarke's, making Clarke's stomach tie into knots. Those emerald eyes were unveiled at the moment, and Lexa probably hadn't realized it. Clarke hungrily read all the information they were offering. Those jade eyes were replete with love, sacred passion and a phantom repentance of the wrongs in Clarke's life. Clarke found the penance she so desperately wanted was there in those enchanting eyes.
"Lexa..." Clarke started to whisper and Lexa was jolted back to her senses, instantly pulling back from Clarke. She wasn't aware of when she had moved closer to the blonde's cot, closer to her face. Clarke watched hopelessly as emerald eyes concealed love, passion, fire and became stoic once again.
Clearing her throat, Lexa said, "I wasn't staring Clarke. I was about to wake you up."
"You took your time then." Clarke mumbled. Lexa must have heard her as her face turned into a faint shade of pink.
"We need to leave Ton DC early, Clarke. I have a meeting with my generals at my camp this afternoon."
"You do. I don't." Clarke said, yawning.
"I thought you should have company on your way to your camp and I was going right now but you can of course stay here as long as you want. I will have Indra accompany you whenever you decide to come."
"Indra?" Clarke asked horrified and earned a twitch of lips from the Commander.
"I gather you don't like her very much. You can call one of your people to escort you back safely but please do not travel alone. Those few mountain men are thirsty for your blood." Lexa said in a displeased tone.
"When will you be returning?" Clarke asked, ignoring Lexa's proposition.
"To Ton DC?"
"Not today. I have observed the progress here and I think it won't take more than 3 months with your people's help to have the city back to its previous glory, so maybe after a week's time."
"Well then, I guess I will have to leave with you right now."
"No. I do not want to go around ordering my friends unnecessarily. Besides, if I stay here I will have Indra breathing on my back all the time and it won't be very pleasant."
"I am sorry Clarke, but I cannot ask Indra to leave your side if you stay here because she is the only one I can trust with your life." Lexa whispered the last part, closing her eyes.
"Hey. I am not dying anytime soon. Don't worry." Clarke said softly, taking a few steps towards the Commander and running her thumb along her jaw lightly, soothing her.
"You do not know that, Clarke. I cannot risk it." Lexa said, moving back to avoid the physical contact. She couldn't stand too close to Clarke without fearing of doing something reckless and it terrified the Commander.
"Alright then. I am coming with you. "
"I can order Indra not to bother you, Clarke."
"I am coming with you, Commander." Clarke said with finality in her voice.
"Very well, then. Get ready and I will bring breakfast." Lexa said, leaving the tent.
Clarke got up, brushed her hair with her fingers and then tied them in her usual style. Then She put on her jacket and washed her face with the water placed in a bucket. The water was cold and took all the traces of sleep from her eyes. She turned around to find Lexa back in the tent, standing by her table.
"What the...? When did you come back? You scared me!" Clarke exclaimed.
"My apologies, Clarke of the Sky people. I just came in while you were washing your face. Now, please share food with me to break your fast."
Clarke nodded and made her way to the table. The breakfast looked simple - apple, milk and bread. They both ate in silence lost in their own thoughts. Finally Lexa spoke up,
"Clarke, I am sorry for last night. I wasn't myself." Lexa didn't meet Clarke's eyes when she said this. She was too ashamed of her behaviour.
"You have nothing to apologize for, Commander. Unlike you and your people's beliefs, I know that you are human too."
"Metaphorically speaking." Clarke quickly said as Lexa raised her eyebrows. "Being human means being imperfect, falling apart once in a while and then collecting yourself. Being human means to be greedy, to be hateful, to have lust, to have guilt, to have regrets but if you feel guilty for being human, then you're just tormenting yourself unnecessarily and uselessly. It's a torment that will consume you and your soul."
"I cannot let anyone see my weakness, Clarke."
"I know that. But I am not anyone, Lexa. You can be weak with me."
"What are you Clarke?" Lexa asked sharply.
"I...I am someone who understands you. I am someone with whom you can be Lexa, not the Commander. I am someone who needs you just like you need me. I am someone I don't want you to hide from."
"Thank you, Clarke." Lexa said softly and Clarke nodded.
Silence again greeted them but it did not last long this time.
"Did you mean it, Clarke?"
"Did you...did you forgive me?" Lexa asked in such a low voice that even Clarke, who was sitting opposite to Lexa with only mere inches separating them, barely made it out. Clarke looked at Lexa's eyes and found them desperate, pleading and...scared.
"I wouldn't have said such thing if I didn't mean it, Lexa. But tell me, you said you didn't think you had done anything wrong then why would you care whether I forgave you or not?"
"I did not do anything wrong as a leader, Clarke. But as a person, I did. And I didn't know I needed your forgiveness until you said you forgave me. It felt like a burden had been lifted off me. A burden that I didn't even realize I had and once it was gone, I could breathe again. I could see clearly again. I could see you, Clarke. "
Clarke smiled and put a hand on Lexa's. She was pleased to see that Lexa didn't back away from the touch.
"You do know why the Ice Queen was really here, right Lexa?"
"Of course. She wanted me to attack her, maybe even kill her so the coalition would break."
"Actually, I think her version would have been to attack you and kill you so the coalition would break."
Lexa snorted. "She would never have been able to defeat me."
"The point being, she wanted the coalition to break. Why?"
"Because I am the Commander, and her nation is blamed for Costia's death. The Ice nation has lost respect among other clans."
"They all want the Commander's favour, and hence have a cold shoulder towards the Ice nation." Clarke deduced out loud.
"Lexa, I am proud that you did not give in to your emotions. You did not let emotions cloud your judgment, even there."
"Barely. If you hadn't walked in at the right moment, I would have executed her for what she took from me." Lexa confessed.
"You could have struck her even with me there. You know I couldn't have stopped you. Physically at least."
"I know. But when you are around... I feel protective of you." Lexa said, gulping. "I could not let you in harm's way Clarke." Lexa further confessed.
Clarke opened her mouth to respond but Indra came in at that exact moment and said, "Both of your horses are ready, Heda, Sky Princess."
Hearing her voice, both the two leaders jolted back to their seats. Somewhere during the conversation, both of them had started to lean towards one another.
Lexa cleared her throat and said, "Very well, Indra. We will be riding shortly."
Lexa turned to Clarke and Clarke observed that the stoic Commander face was back on as Lexa spoke to her. "Come Clarke."
Their journey back to camp Jaha was uneventful. Clarke wanted to chat with Lexa. After all, this was the first time Lexa had been so open with Clarke but the noise of the horses' hooves made it impossible for her. Once they arrived at camp Jaha's gate, Clarke got off her horse and turned around to look at the Commander.
"Lexa, I was hoping you could come here tonight. My mom and the rest of the council actually wanted to discuss some matters with you."
"My generals will leave by nightfall and after that I will make way to your camp, Clarke."
"Thank you. I will see you then."
Lexa nodded, turned her horse around and left.
Clarke went inside her camp to find it busting with life. It brought a smile on her face to see her people happy, laughing and enjoying life. This was her happiness. Her back was aching after the ride and she walked to her room to lie down for a while. As soon as she got in her room, she was slammed against the wall.
"What is wrong with you, Clarke? Damn it." Someone shouted and she felt her arms being held tightly by the one who had slammed her against the wall.
Clarke looked up to find Bellamy standing in front of her, fuming.
"Bellamy, leave her!" She heard Raven say.
"NO." He growled.
"What's wrong with you? I said leave her."
"Bellamy, please." Clarke whispered.
Bellamy finally let her free, his chest heaving.
"Bellamy, you should go out for some time." Came Octavia's voice.
"I am fine, O." Bellamy said irritated.
Bellamy huffed and then left the room, angrily slamming the door.
"What's wrong with him?" Clarke asked, finally leaving the spot she had been pinned on, and sat on her bed.
"Wrong with him? Clarke you are the one who was missing for an entire night and came back midday." Raven said.
"I told you, I was in Ton DC."
"Yes, but you didn't say you were staying there for the night. We were all worried about you, after all you were with Lexa." Raven said.
"Lexa wouldn't have harmed me, trust me."
"We do trust you but not her, Clarke." Octavia said slowly.
"I understand your reservations, but I trust her now."
"Why? Did you forget what she did? She left us all to die at the mountain, Clarke. She didn't even look back!" Octavia said angrily.
"She did what she had to do for her people! It was not an easy choice for her!" Clarke said, her voice rising.
"Are you actually defending her?" Octavia asked, disbelief in her voice.
"Guys, guys, guys, stop! Why are we even having this discussion? Clarke, we were just worried about you."
Clarke audibly sighed. "I am sorry. I just...I don't know what got over me. I tried to contact you guys last night but there was some problem with the signals."
"I told this probable reason to the Blake siblings and your mom too but they wouldn't listen to me."
"Mom! Shit! I need to see her."
"You better do. She was preparing a searching team last I saw her." Octavia said in a rather amused tone.
"And you didn't think it was important to tell me!" Clarke shrieked as she made her way out.
She didn't have to look around for her mom as she was making her way towards Clarke already.
"Mom, I am..."
She couldn't complete her sentence as her mom engulfed her in a hug.
"Clarke baby, you are alright." Abby said in Clarke's hair.
"Yes mom, I am alright. I am sorry I worried you. I tried to contact you but the rain..."
"Shh. It's okay. I don't blame you. I've made peace with the fact that my protection is no longer going to be enough for you. I can't keep you safe from everything out there. I know you are no longer a child, as hard as it was for me to believe it. I am just happy that you are all right. I don't need the details. I trust you." Abby said, removing herself from the hug but keeping an arm around Clarke.
"I love you mom." Clarke whispered.
"I love you too baby."
"Come let's sit and talk." Abby gestured her daughter to the seats placed near them.
"How's the progress in Ton DC?"
"The work's ongoing. I don't exactly know how long it will take but Lexa said less than 3 months."
"Clarke, I understand why you did what you did at Ton DC. I don't blame you for those deaths. I just wish you didn't have to bear such a burden."
"We've been over this, mom. I am grateful for your understanding but I've also learnt that we can't change our destiny. We can't run or hide from it. You know I tried it. Tried it and failed." Clarke said bitterly.
"I can't help but think you were born for this, Clarke."
Clarke smiled and said, "Lexa once said the exact same thing."
"She is a wise leader, Clarke. Heartless but wise."
"She is not really heartless, mom. She just has a harsh past."
"Don't we all?"
"We have one another to care for, mom. She's all alone."
Abby remained silent, observing her daughter.
"You have become close to her." Abby stated, not needing any confirmation.
Clarke, however, nodded.
"Clarke, I trust you. I do. But I need you to be careful."
"I was careful in the past, and look where it got me." Clarke whispered, closing her eyes.
"Dr. Griffin, you are needed in the infirmary." Came a voice from behind them.
"I was about to leave. Thank you for informing me, Bellamy." Abby said, smiling, as she turned around to answer the messenger. Bellamy nodded.
"Clarke, we will talk later. You should rest. You will be needed at the meeting tonight." Abby said, kissing her daughter's forehead.
"Oh and did you request the Commander's presence?"
"She will be here at dusk but mom, what is the meeting about?" Clarke asked.
"I need to go now. Bellamy will fill you in, won't you Bellamy?" With that she was gone.
Awkward silence greeted her departure. Finally, Clarke turned around to face Bellamy.
"So let me just get this over with, the council needs to discuss trading of food in exchange of our technology – walkie-talkies, digital watches, cameras and other things. We need more food for winter. Our genetic engineers have yet to work on genetically engineering earth food." Bellamy said in a businesslike manner.
"How can we ask them that? We just have a peace treaty with them." Clarke inquired, surprised.
"By forming an alliance with them." Bellamy said simply.
"The council agreed to form an alliance with the grounders?" Clarke asked in disbelief.
"Not all of them agree. But once you agree, everyone will."
"What do you mean?" Clarke asked, frowning.
"You really don't know what you mean to us, do you princess?"
Clarke broke eye contact with Bellamy and stared at the ground.
"The council is just a formality now. Everybody trusts your judgment. They know you will do what is best for our people. They believe in you. What you are to our people is like what the Commander is to the grounders; you are the Commander of the Sky people, Clarke."
"Oh." This was all Clarke could say.
"Now that you've been filled in, I will leave you to your thoughts and join the hunting party to get some food for the week." Bellamy said formally.
"Bellamy wait! I am..." Clarke started.
"It's okay, Clarke. I got to know what happened." Bellamy said coldly and left before Clarke could say anything else.
Clarke stared at his retreating form and frowned. She didn't really understand his deal. If this had happened two years ago, when they had landed on Earth, it wouldn't have bothered her at all. She didn't care for him at that time. But now Clarke really did care for him like family; the 100 were her family. The Arkers were her people but the 100, which now had reduced to 47, were her family and so Bellamy's anger bothered Clarke but she knew better than to approach him just yet. She knew how he functioned; he needed time to clear his head. Clear whatever was bothering him and Clarke was ready to give him his time and space.
Sighing, she turned around to find Raven sitting where previously her mom had been.
"So princess, tell me, why aren't you training with the hot but scary grounder Commander today?"
Clarke laughed at the description of the Lexa and replied, "She is the Commander, Raven. She has other things to do too. Today she has some meeting with her generals."
"I wonder what it must feel like to be surrounded by so many people all the time, to be able to command them anytime of the day and know they will obey you." Raven said in awe.
"It must feel alone." Clarke said.
"Lexa is not alone. She has a whole army with her Clarke." Raven said as if stating the obvious.
"The Commander is not alone. Lexa is." Clarke simply said.
"You think there are two different sides to the indifferent Commander?"
"I know there are, Raven."
Raven didn't argue with her friend so instead asked, "You have forgiven her, Clarke?"
Clarke nodded. Both remained silent after this. Clarke knew her people would need a lot of time before they started trusting the Grounder Commander again. Clarke trusted Lexa with her life but not her people's. She understood that they were leaders and their people would come before anything.
"Raven, how did the council agree to form an alliance with the Commander? I mean, I know we need it for surviving winters but...the council is hardly known to think unemotionally and rationally. "
"You have Bellamy to thank for that. That particular council member of yours thinks like you. He apparently thinks what the Commander did at Mount Weather shouldn't be taken against her and that she did what any leader would have done for their people."
"Bellamy proposed the alliance?" Clarke guessed.
"But didn't he hate grounders?"
"I am sure he still does but he loves his people more than he hates them." Raven said in softly. "But he really did freak out when you didn't return from Ton DC last night. He was ready to go and get you even in the rain." Raven eye-rolled.
"Raven, this is what I meant by Lexa being alone. We have friends and family who love us, who are ready to share our burdens, who are ready to die for us because of how much they care for us. She has warriors who obey her out of duty, who would die for her because of her rank, because of her importance. They protect her so she can protect them and their families in return."
"She really is alone." Raven whispered and Clarke nodded.
"Enough of this depressive talk. I have to tell you something about Wick..."
"Oh My God! He asked you out, didn't he?" Clarke said excitedly.
"He did, after we slept together." Raven winked.
"You slept and then decided to get together?" Clarke said a bit disgustedly.
"Hey! Stop with the judgmental tone. We were going to war and we weren't really sure that we'd get to see another day. Plus, he is hot." Raven said, playfully smacking Clarke's arm.
"He is. I am happy for you, Raven." Clarke smiled at her friend.
"Thank you, Clarke. I am too, it was really hard to let anyone in after Finn but Wick makes me happy and I've learnt from my time on this pain-in-the-ass planet that we should treasure what we have today rather than lament of what we lost in the past."
"Sometimes pleasure is too hard to attain and pain too easy." Clarke said, sighing.
"Clarke, if anyone deserves happiness after all that we've been through, it's you. Allow yourself to be happy. Let your heart feel again." Raven said gently.
"Raven, I am scared. I'm scared that if I let myself be happy even for a moment, then my world's going to come crashing down again and I don't know if I'll be able to survive that." Clarke admitted.
"You like Lexa, don't you? She is your happiness?" Raven deduced but still asked for confirmation.
Clarke slowly nodded.
"Clarke, your reasons aren't reasons. They are excuses. You are just punishing yourself for what happened at Mount Weather. You are allowed to be happy even if it's the scary Commander who brings happiness god knows how to you. But you are allowed to be happy."
"How do I even know this is real, Raven? What if this is just an after-effect of Mount Weather? Maybe I only like her because she somewhat understands me."
"Clarke, Clarke, you are stronger than that. Your judgment is better than that. We all know that and this is reality. All this is reality."
"Thank you, Raven."
"Do remember to mention this to batwoman when you finally kiss her and maybe do some more stuff." Raven winked.
"Shut up. And batwoman?" Clarke said, raising her eyebrows.
"Oh yeah, that's what she looks like in her war paint."
"I will remember to mention this too." Clarke teased.
"Don't you dare, Clarke Griffin!" Raven said, her eyes widening and smacking Clarke's arm repeatedly.
"Okay, okay. Chill."
"Guys, the hunting party is back! Come fill your bellies." Octavia shouted at their direction.
"You have names for everyone?" Clarke asked, shaking her head.
"Yes, Princess. And let me tell you what's common between all of them."
"They all are weird?"
"No, they are fitting and all their owners hate them."
Clarke eye-rolled and dragged Raven with her to have some food.
"The Commander's here, Clarke. You've been called to the meeting room." Octavia informed Clarke 3 hours after her conversation with Raven.
"Thank you, Octavia." She said and walked to the meeting room, a little nervous as she thought about meeting the Commander. It was weird but even after all this time, Clarke felt a bit nervous around the Commander. She had learnt to mask her nervousness to others but that didn't mean she didn't feel it. Taking a deep breath, she opened the room's door and entered.
All the council members were seated around the table, waiting for her. Lexa was seated at the end of the table with Ryder standing behind. The chair opposite to her, the other head of the table, was empty for Clarke.
"Commander." Clarke said formally and nodded at her.
"Clarke of the Sky people." The same formal greeting gesture was reciprocated by Lexa.
"I hope I haven't kept you waiting for long."
"No. I arrived here just a few moments ago."
Kane cleared his throat and proposed the idea before the grounder Commander. Lexa listened patiently, but hardly ever did her eyes leave Clarke's.
"You are ready for the alliance, Clarke?"
"My people need it and your people can also benefit from it so I see no reason to discourage it."
"Very well. You will be provided with food during winters in exchange for your technology. Anything else you want to address?"
"Yes. I know that we will become allies Commander, but our people still are not comfortable with yours. Especially after Mount Weather. So I am hoping that you could keep your scouts away from our area." Abby spoke up.
"They will be placed for your protection." Lexa said.
"We can protect ourselves, Commander." Abby argued.
"With your weapons? They become useless after sometime, no?" Lexa taunted.
Kane slammed her fist on the table and spoke angrily "Don't you-"
"You can place your scouts around here if it makes you comfortable, Commander. We will allow it as long as our soldiers will be allowed on your side." Bellamy spoke for the first time and silence followed it.
"Fair enough. Your soldiers will be allowed on our side as well but I doubt they will be comfortable. You can take them back anytime." The Commander said coolly.
"That's for us to decide, Commander." Clarke spoke.
Lexa nodded and said, "Anything else?"
"No. Thank you for your time."
One by one they all left the meeting room. Before leaving, Lexa gave Clarke a look, which clearly meant she wanted to talk to her in private. Clarke nodded and was about to follow her when Bellamy spoke up, "Clarke, can you come with me for a little while? I need to talk to you."
His tone was serious so Clarke agreed.
Bellamy took her to the apartment that had been allotted to him; it wasn't very far from Clarke's, just two doors away.
Bellamy turned around and looked a bit tensed.
"Hey. What's up? You've been quiet lately and I've missed you." Clarke spoke up.
"I missed you too, Clarke." He confessed.
"I am sorry about Ton DC, Bel. I should've informed you first thing in the morning. It just slipped out of my mind."
Bellamy nodded then took a step towards Clarke.
"Clarke, I was so worried about you. I shouldn't have been, as I know you can manage things on your own, but Clarke, I just couldn't stop worrying about you. I…I think I haven fallen for you."
With that, he crashed his lips on Clarke's rather aggressively and pushed her back to the wall.
Clarke was frozen for a while and let him kiss her. He, on the other hand, took it as a positive sign and increased the intensity of the kiss, which brought Clarke back to her senses. She immediately pushed him back and said, "Bellamy, I love you, I do..." Bellamy smiled, hearing her say this and opened his mouth but Clarke wasn't done.
"But I love you like a friend, like family, maybe like a brother. But not...I am not in love with you." Clarke cleared.
"If you need time, then you can have it Clarke. I can wait." Bellamy said hopefully.
"It's not about time, Bellamy. I have fallen for someone else." Clarke whispered the last part.
"Who?" Bellamy said enraged.
"It doesn't matter, Bel. Please say that this doesn't affect our friendship. I can't lose you Bellamy, please."
"You don't have to worry about that, Clarke. Because you have already lost me." Bellamy angrily moved past Clarke and left, leaving a very stunned Clarke in his room.
He couldn't believe she could do this to him. She had done this to him. It was him who had stuck with her when everyone had left her. He was the one who helped her through everything. He was the one who was willing to share her burden. He was the one who never left her side. He was the one who changed himself because of her. And yet, here she was telling him she had chosen someone else over him.
Bellamy was angry, so very angry. He wanted to bring the world down in his anger. But he wouldn't break down in Camp Jaha, where Clarke could find him. Where she could see his breakdown. No, he would not allow her. And so he ran out of Camp Jaha. The guard tried to ask him where he was going, but he glared at him angrily and his body language spoke 'better not to question me right now'.
Bellamy ran blindly into the forest. He tripped over a stone and got up muttering curses. Then, he blindly emptied all the bullets of his gun into the air. He was sure he was far enough from Camp Jaha that no one would hear the bullets. Then he stood up in anger and started punching the nearest tree not caring about the pain he felt after each blow. In fact, he was welcoming the pain.
Lexa was sure Clarke had understood her message but she hadn't sought her out yet. She could feel Ryder's questioning eyes on her but she ignored him and he had no place to question her. Eventually, Lexa got tired of waiting, ordered Ryder to stay and went out looking for Clarke. She was dismayed to see such minimal security at the living quarters of the Sky people. Most doors were open and Lexa thought better to check the open ones before asking someone for Clarke.
She was about to go back when she found Clarke inside a room with Bellamy. Lexa was going to turn around and wait but her feet froze as she saw Bellamy move towards Clarke. He cupped her face and then his lips were on hers. Lexa's blood boiled watching the scene. She wanted to rip Bellamy's head from his body but refrained, as even in that moment she cared for Clarke's feelings. She knew she could do nothing if Clarke had chosen him. She watched horrified as Bellamy pushed her against the wall and deepened the kiss, Clarke wasn't resisting. Lexa felt a burning in her eyes and an ache in her throat but her eyes remained glued at the scene before her. Just as she had gotten the energy to move her feet, Clarke pushed Bellamy off her. Lexa felt hope rise in her chest, like fire, and she was clinging to that hope at that moment. Clinging to that strand of hope not to lose herself. Clinging to it like a rope on which she was walking, her life depended on it. But the rope broke as she heard Clarke say,
"Bellamy, I love you, I do."
And then she was running. She was running as far as her legs could carry her. She shouted at the gatekeeper to open the gate and went out running. Tears blinded her vision but she didn't care. She kept running. Her sword was out and was cutting anything and everything coming in her path. She didn't care if she hurt herself in the process. She was swinging it blindly. Finally, she sat down under a tree and, bringing her knees to her chin, started to cry openly. She screamed and shouted for her loss. Knowing Clarke was another's was tearing her apart. She was feeling weak and she could do nothing about it. Then what was the meaning of Ton DC? A voice in her mind questioned as she sobbed. Another voice answered, she just considers you as a friend, nothing more, maybe less but nothing more. Suddenly she heard gunshots. Her years of Commander training instinctively kicked in and, collecting herself, she rushed towards the sound. Soon she found the source of it was the boy who had stolen her princess away from her. A voice in her head asked her to kill him there and then but Clarke's tear soaked, broken face appeared in her head and she lowered her weapon.
She was about to leave Bellamy to whatever he was doing out there when she saw a man hiding behind a large boulder with a pistol aimed at him. She was about to warn Bellamy when she saw the man press the trigger and heard the shot. She knew Bellamy had failed to find the source of the sound and would become an easy target with the next bullet. Clarke's face flashed in her mind once again and she lunged at Bellamy, pushing him aside as the bullet pierced her armor.
Clarke stood stunned for what seemed like ages after Bellamy left. He was long gone before she was finally able to process what had just happened. She touched her bruised lips for the evidence as to whether or not what happened was real. Shit, shit, shit! Why did Bellamy have to do it?
She left the room quickly and went out to find Bellamy but, as soon as her eyes fell on Ryder, she was reminded of Lexa; she had wanted to talk to her. She contemplated whether to find Bellamy or talk to Lexa. She knew it was better to give Bellamy some time than to talk to him immediately and hence made her way to Ryder.
"Sky Heda." He greeted her.
"Where is your Commander, Ryder?"
"She had gone to your quarters looking for you." Ryder replied.
Clarke frowned, as she couldn't recall seeing Lexa near her door. Nevertheless, she nodded to Ryder and made her way back to the living quarters. On her way, she thought over what Raven had said. Should I really tell Lexa how I feel about her? She asked herself. Even thinking about it scared her but she repeated Raven's voice in her head. This is real.And so she decided to do what she thought was right and damn the consequences. Now all that was left for her was to find the Commander.
After searching the whole camp, Clarke returned back to where Ryder was standing.
"There's no sign of your Commander, Ryder. I looked everywhere."
He was about to answer her when she saw Kane with a few soldiers, all geared up walking towards the gate. What now? She thought as she ran to the man.
"Kane, what's going on?" She asked.
"Clarke, Bellamy just radioed that a mountain man is out there and he had attacked him."
"Bellamy is out there? Why?" She shrieked.
"We don't know, Clarke. We need to leave, now." Kane said and quickly moved passed her.
Clarke wanted to go with the party but she had a more important matter on her mind, where is Lexa?
Then she recalled that she hadn't checked the infirmary. She quickly ran to look for her over there. She only found her mother in the facility, treating a patient. She came running back to the open and made her way to the gate. But she didn't need to go out as she watched a figure walking towards her. She immediately recognized it as Bellamy and quickly got the gate opened for him. She was about to shout out his name when she saw that Bellamy was not alone. He was carrying someone in his arm. His pace was fast and was in camp Jaha within seconds. Clarke's eyes widened as she realised who Bellamy was cradling in his arms. The Commander's shiny armor was completely covered in her blood and her eyes were shut. She was immobilized at her spot until Bellamy's urgent voice brought her out of her daze.
"She needs your help, Clarke."
Clarke nodded and gestured him to follow him to the infirmary. The patient bed was already occupied so she threw things off a table and made Bellamy put Lexa on the table.
Abby heard the noise and came running, "What's wrong?"
"She's been shot." Bellamy replied instantly.
Abby nodded and quickly removed the Commander's armor and tunic with the help of Clarke and Octavia, who had also arrived to help, to see the source of the blood. There, in the middle of Lexa's chest was a deep hole and blood was oozing out from it like a fountain.
"Damn these grounder armours. They are useless." Octavia muttered.
"Mom, please don't let her die." Clarke begged.
Abby didn't reply as she quickly retrieved her surgical equipment from the table next to where she was standing.
"Both of you hold her still, I need to cut through her flesh to get it out and she might regain consciousness during the process. You will need to hold her down."
She didn't wait for them to nod as she dug into Lexa's flesh for the bullet. Just as she had got hold of it, the Commander's eyes popped open and her body jerked violently making Abby lose hold of the bullet. She screamed out of pain and tried to free herself from Clarke and Octavia's hold.
"Lexa, calm down. You have been shot and we need to get the bullet out." Clarke spoke.
"It...hurts, Clarke. It..."
"Distract her, Clarke." Her mother whispered in Clarke's ear as she got hold of the bullet again.
"What do you think you were doing out there, Lexa?"
"I…I...I did it for you." The Commander said in a barely audible voice.
"The bullet's out!" Abby exclaimed as she put the bullet on the metal plate.
"She's safe?" Clarke asked.
"I need to stitch her wound up quickly, she has lost a lot of blood." Abby mumbled as she started the stitching process.
Lexa's face was twisted in pain and her hands found their way to Clarke's and held them so tightly that her knuckles had turned white.
"It's alright, Lexa. It will be over in just a minute. It will be all over. You will be fine." Clarke soothed the Commander.
"I've stitched her up, but the bullet had grazed her heart so she has to fight to come back. It's all up to her." Abby informed Clarke.
"Lexa, fight it. Come back to me. Fight it." Clarke said forcefully.
Lexa looked into Clarke's eyes, smiled and opened her mouth to say something but only came a groan before her eyes drooped.
"Her breathing has stopped!" Octavia screamed as the exact moment Clarke felt the Commander's grip loosen from her hands.
"No." Clarke said as she leant down to her heart to find...no beats.
"MOM! DO SOMETHING!"
Abby pushed her daughter aside as she started to do CPR. "C'mon. C'mon." She chanted, hoping against hope for the Commander to regain consciousness.
She didn't and dejected she moved back with her head down. "I am sor…"
"Don't you dare, mom!" Clarke screamed as she herself started pumping Lexa's chest. Then she bent down to Lexa's mouth and opening her lips blew air inside. She had never thought this would be how her lips will touch Lexa's after the one kiss they had shared before Mount Weather.
"Wake up, Lexa. You don't get to die on me. I said wake up!" Clarke cried, her voice hoarse. "WAKE! UP!"
"Bellamy get her out of here." Abby asked calmly.
"What? No! No! No! Put me down, Bellamy. Damn it! PUT ME DOWN." Clarke struggled as Bellamy half dragged, half carried her out of the room.
When he put her down, she tried to walk back to the infirmary but he blocked her way.
"Let me through." Clarke said menacingly. Bellamy shook his head.
"I said, through." Clarke repeated, gritting her teeth. Bellamy shook his head and Clarke started punching him. Bellamy remained impassive.
Clarke eventually gave up and slid herself to the ground, loud sobs coming out from her body.
"It was her." Bellamy whispered with wide eyes and Clarke nodded slowly.
"I am so sorry, Clarke." Bellamy said, touching her shoulder.
"What happened, Bellamy?" Clarke finally asked.
"It was my fault. All my fault. I left camp Jaha and was in the middle of the woods. My gun was empty and this mountain man targeted me. I just heard the sound of the trigger and then was pushed on the ground by the Commander. She took the bullet that was meant for me." Bellamy said with his head down and eyes burning.
"She...she said she did it for me." Clarke whispered.
"It was my fault." With these words Clarke ran towards the living quarters of Raven. Bellamy didn't follow her this time.
Clarke threw the door open to find Raven sitting on a chair reading a book. Raven looked up to find what looked like a crazed Clarke at her door. She immediately dropped her book and asked,
"She's dead, Raven. SHE'S FUCKING DEAD! You said I deserved happiness? Then why is she dead?" Clarke said, moving dangerously close to Raven.
"What? Comm...Lexa's dead?" Raven asked with a shell-shocked face.
"I lost her and I can't handle it, Raven. I just can't. I can't. She left me." Clarke said between hiccups.
"Shhh...Clarke. She wouldn't want you to break apart. She wouldn't want you to be weak." Raven said in Clarke's hair as she hugged her.
"WELL, I AM WEAK! I'm tired of being strong. She was my strength, Raven. I have no strength now." Clarke sobbed and tried to remove herself from Raven's embrace. Raven just held tighter.
"You will be all right, Clarke. You will be."
"It's all because of me. I don't deserve happiness after I took away all those lives. Lexa was my happiness and that's why she's gone. She died because I loved her." Clarke said defeated.
"No Clarke, it has nothing..."
"Why does everyone have to die on me? First my father, then Wells, then Finn and now…now Lexa."
"Clarke, I am so sorry for you loss but you are a leader. People count on you. Please collect yourself."
"Isn't a leader allowed to break, Raven?" Clarke pleaded.
"You are but when you go out, you will need a strong face."
"A mask." Clarke closed her eyes and nodded.
This was the exact moment Clarke understood Lexa completely. Why she used to wear the mask over her face, her emotions. It hadn't only been for her people, it had been for herself too. If she hadn't worn it, she would've fallen apart. Clarke decided to wear the same mask for the rest of her life now. For herself and for the girl whose chest Clarke's heart had stopped beating in.