Chapter 12: Life After Death
Jeff Hardy looked up and wondered where he was, all he could see was this awesome light and a woman dressed in white with long black hair was walking towards him from it.
"Hey Jeffrey how you doing?" she said and Jeff felt like his heart was going to explode in his chest.
"Mom?" he said and the lady nodded.
"See I told you I'd see you again someday," she said.
Jeff came towards her in awe of what he was seeing, he reached out to touch his mother's hair and it was real, he could feel it between his fingers and she smiled as he touched her face: he was ecstatic.
"It's really you!" he cried and grabbed mother Hardy up in his arms and swung her around causing her to make the sweetest sound he ever heard.
"Jeff you're making me laugh," she said as he put her down, "It's usually Eddy that gets me going,"
Jeff did a double-take, "Eddy? As in Eddie Guerrero?" he asked dumbstruck and his mother nodded.
"Yeah he's always fooling around, him and Owen play the worst ribs up here," she explained and Jeff almost fainted, "Now that Rebecca's here I never get to talk with the King of Kings anymore,"
"Why doesn't he like ribs?" Jeff asked and blanched when he saw Jesus coming towards him, "Oh my Lord," Jeff said as the King of Kings approached him.
"That's what your mother said the first time she called me, I thought she was calling my Father so I just kept walking, I like to walk a lot," Jesus said and Jeff jumped up and down and started doing his little dance and Jesus gave his mother a smile, "You'd think after being killed he'd have less energy," he said and mother Hardy wiped a tear of joy away from her face.
"Mom why are you crying, aren't you happy I'm here with you?" Jeff asked hugging his mother who embraced him lovingly.
"No Jeff, I'm sad you're not staying," she replied, "Walk with me and Jesus, I want you to meet the others,"
Mom and son Hardy walked with Jesus and passed many angels who seemed to keep multiplying the more they walked, Jeff figured this was just because people where dying like he did.
"God's keeping the angels busy," mother Hardy said to Jesus who nodded.
"Its gonna be overkill when ATM disband," he said and Jeff raised his eyebrow curiously.
"You know Amy, Trish and Melina?" he asked Jesus.
"They're my favorite WWE Divas," he replied, "And I'm not really allowed to play favorites, Father said they'd be better up here we talked about it for hours then finally I said let's see how many they can save and they made my day when they saved Shawn and Hunter,"
"So ATM was you're idea?" Jeff asked Jesus.
"Yeah but my Father gets all the credit, I understand how Shane McMahon feels sometimes, its hard being your Father's Only Begotten Son," Jesus said.
"Enough!" roared a loud Voice and Jeff looked over at all the angels who were laughing.
"That was God," his mother explained, "He gets annoyed when Jesus talks about wrestling,"
"He can wipe out nations and I can't watch a man hit another man with a steel chair," Jesus complained and Jeff started to laugh.
"You're cool JC," Jeff said.
"I feel the same way about you, what you did for Hunter was awesome, you didn't have to give your life to save his but you did, you sacrificed yourself for your friends, that's what the Bible is all about Jeff, your brother's heart-broken so you have to go back for the wedding before he does something stupid," Jesus said.
"You mean commit suicide?" Jeff asked concerned and Jesus nodded.
"He's already lost his mother, how can he live without you?" Jesus said and Jeff's mother turned to her son and placed her hand on his shoulder.
"I love you Jeffrey but its not time for us to be together; that time will come and when it does I'll be right here waiting for you, until then, there's a few people who would like to say goodbye to you before you go back down to Earth," she said and Jeff looked ahead and saw Eddy Guerrero, Owen Hart and Rebecca Curci-Michaels looking at him.
"You were wearing that t-shirt the last time I saw you?" Eddy said and Jeff noticed the I'm Your Papi t-shirt Eddy was wearing.
"So were you," he replied and he ran over to Eddy and gave him a big hug.
"I'm so happy to see you man, I was hella pissed when you died I was in mourning for like weeks," Jeff said and Eddy patted him on the back and kissed his head.
"I know, everyone says the same-thing when they come up here, that's why you gotta go back vato," Eddy said and Owen nodded.
"I wish I could go back but the Almighty says I've served my purpose, He's a real hard-ass," Owen said, "Pretty much like my brother,"
Jeff laughed and looked over at Rebecca, Shawn Michaels' beautiful widow, "Heaven's done wonders for your complexion," he said allured by Rebecca's radiant beauty.
"I don't have to pay $100 for eye-liner up here, God is the only One I'm interested in pleasing these days," she said and her eyes softened, "Are you happy for them?" she asked and Jeff lowered his chin knowing who she was referring to and nodded.
"I am Rebecca, Shawn's an incredible man and Lita deserves to be happy for the first time in her entire life, she wasn't happy with my brother despite what he says Edge was no better and now, she can finally settle down and have kids with your husband: it's the circle of life," Jeff replied drawing an imaginary circle with his arms and Eddy and Owen laughed as Rebecca pouted.
"I'm having a hard time with this but I don't care about your opinion I only care about the Word of God and the Word of God says Shawn has every right to be happy, so I want you to give this to Amy, it will bless her," Rebecca removed a white gold cross from around her neck and gave it to Jeff and he took it mesmerized by its immaculate perfection, "Tell Shawn I'm sorry I couldn't be there but that I'll be watching from above and tell Lita Shawn likes it when you kiss his ear after sex, it makes him feel special,"
"He doesn't need to feel special, I tell him he's special every single day," Jesus says.
"Yeah but can you make him scream your name?" Rebecca asked.
"Yes," Jesus replied and God yelled at him, "That's not what she meant!" Jesus protested.
"Yes it was," Eddy said to Owen and Jeff started laughing.
"So when do I go back?" he asked his mom.
"On Saturday night, after the wedding," she said, "You can watch it up here with us, then Melina the Miraculous will bring you back to life and you can give your brother a big hug for me and tell him I'm alright and to find a girl that loves him as much as I do if not more,"
"Any suggestions as to who that girl might be?" Jeff asked Jesus who thought about it.
"I think he should give Ashley one more try, she's a kind and compassionate woman who deserves better than what she's got, tell him Jesus Christ said so, he'll believe you just drop my name," Jesus said and Eddy Guerrero rolled his eyes.
"Oooh look at me I'm Jesus I get to save lives and live forever in Heaven with my Papi!" Eddy teased and Jesus put him in a headlock.
"JESUS!" God yelled and the Heavens shook, Jesus let Eddy go and sighed.
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned, now let's go before He starts asking me to do chores," Jesus said and Jeff and Mother Hardy walked with him, Owen, Eddy and Rebecca in eternity while God waited for his angelic trio to complete their final mission before their Heavenly assignment was complete and they could get on with their lives.
Abelardo Rodriguez International Airport, Tijuana, Mexico, 5pm:
Kevin, Tamara and Tristen Nash rolled through the airport with Scott Hall, Sean Waltman and the rest of the TNA roster on hearing that Shawn and Lita were getting married, unfortunately Karen Curci, Rebecca's mom insisted on coming with them and being wheeled by Hernandez all the way to the exit while Konnan used his crutches to get around.
"One minute she's getting married to Edge, next minute she's getting married to Shawn, why can't women just fall in love with one man and be done with it? That's what my Becky did and she was the best wife that bastard son-in-law of mine will ever know!" she insisted and Sting rolled his eyes.
"Do you have to keep trashing Shawn? You've been on his case since we left Florida; if you don't pipe down I'll have you thrown in a Mexican prison!" Sting threatened.
"On what charges?" Karen asked stubbornly.
"Death by nagging," Homicide replied, "¡cierre su boca!/ shut your mouth!"
"Is he talking to me?" Karen asked Hernandez.
"Sting you take over, I've had enough of this woman," he said and Sting sighed and took over from the LAX big man.
"Who's singing at this wedding, Lillian Garcia?" Alex Shelley asked.
"Knowing Lita it'll be some rock band nobody's ever heard of," Jay Lethal said.
"Does Shawn like punk rock?" Alex Shelley asked Kevin Nash.
"He likes Shakira," he replied.
"That's not cool, Shakira sucks!" Christy Hemme protested and Gail Kim agreed with her.
"It's not her music he likes is it?" Leticia asked Tammy who laughed.
"Those hips don't lie but they certainly make me want to eat more," she replied.
"Shakira can't sing, they'd be better off having Britney Spears sing "I Wanna Love You Forever," Sonjay Dutt said.
"That was Jessica Simpson," Jay Lethal corrected him.
"Wait you know that song?" Chris Sabin asked disgusted.
"Shut up!" Double J cried angrily causing all the X Division stars to stop in their tracks, "I'm sick of all this talk about Shawn and Lita, what about me? Vince McMahon made me kiss his ass on national television, did ya'll forget about that?" he complained.
"Well yeah that was like two weeks ago JJ," Sonjay replied.
"I've been getting into this XBOX tournament online, I haven't really had time to focus on anything else," Sabin admitted.
"And I've been editing my latest Paparazzi Production featuring Shawn and Edge, it's called Riding Rated R and it's gonna be an Instant Gay Classic," Alex Shelley bragged and Sean gave Kevin and Scott a weary look.
"We're not seriously gonna let him air that on Impact tonight are we?" he asked the original members of the Kliq, "Shawn and Hunter just re-united the Kliq and DX are back together again, this video footage Alex has got of Shawn and Edge is gonna ruin everything fellas!"
"But the pictures of Shawn and Edge are already on the web and in Playgirl magazine, you think once Shawn finds out he's gonna be worried about some video footage getting out? He's gonna be too busy kicking Shelley's ass!" Kevin argued, "Where is that sexy sonofabitch, we have to tell him what's going on,"
"And give him our sacred sex tips," Scott Hall added.
"Of course," XPac and Nash said together and Tamara rolled her eyes.
"I gotta find Trish before these idiots ruin Lita's big day," she said flipping her cell-phone out.
"Hey I've got one of those in pink!" came the oh-so-familiar voice of Britney Spears.
"Oh no its you, look Shawn's not interested in you woman I don't know what Rocky was thinking when he suggested you try and hook up with him," Tamara said and looked around for her son, "Is Sean Preston with you, Tristen really misses him," she asked Britney who gulped nervously and Tamara picked up that something was wrong.
"I kind of left him in L.A," Britney confessed.
"What do you mean where the Hell is he?" Kevin Nash asked her annoyed.
"Well I got so excited I forgot to take him with me when I went to North Carolina, you see me and Torrie were in a race to see who could marry Shawn first and it turns out we're not marriage material," Britney said defeated and the Kliq laughed.
"You thought you could be the next Mrs. HBK?" XPac asked incredulously.
"Yeah I know I've totally lost my mind after breaking up with K-Fed, I'm here to wish him and Lita good luck, I guess marriage is not something you can just jump into," Britney said and the Kliq gave her a look like she was the dumbest blond on the planet even though she didn't have any hair.
"Where's your son now?" Leticia asked Britney as the wrestlers moved through customs.
"He's with Torrie, she said she wanted to keep him a bit longer, I don't know her or anything but I'd never leave my son with anyone unless I had a really good feeling about them," Britney said.
"And you call me a dumb blond," Leticia said to Alex Shelley who laughed while putting his Shelley Cam through the security machine. The machine made a loud beep and the security guys stopped everything else from going through.
"Soy sir apesadumbrado pero estoy asustado que vamos a tener que destruir esto," the guard said and Alex looked at Konnan who along with the other members of LAX started to laugh at what was about to happen.
"What did he say?" he asked the LAX mouthpiece.
"I'm sorry sir but I'm afraid we're going to have to destroy this," Konnan said and Alex gasped as two guards took his camcorder into a room and something exploded: it was his Shelley Cam.
"NO!" he cried and jumped through the guards into the small room but all he saw was a burning camera, he didn't even hear the door close behind him, "Hey let me out!" he cried but the guards shrugged and laughed at him.
"Is he under arrest?" Kevin Nash asked one of the guards who nodded that Alex had violated Mexican law by bringing in a camera from the U.S, "Here's one hundred American dollars, call him a cab to the Camino Real after he's done pissing his pants," Nash said handing the burly guard the crisp dollar bills, the guard was wearing a Wolfpac t shirt and doing right by the Kliq was in the New World Order bylaws and it was something Nash, Hall and Waltman had grown accustomed to over the years, it amazed them how much they were loved all over the world.
"Is he gonna be okay?" Sonjay asked Nash who nodded.
"He'll be fine, I think you should nix this whole thing Jarrett I want you to take care of Vince McMahon on your own time, this wedding has nothing to do with the WWE," Nash told the founding member of the Kings of Wrestling.
"That's right JJ, this wedding is about our boy finally being happy after all the years of being married to Kevin's soul mate, he's finally gonna marry his fantasy woman," Hall echoed and Britney Spears frowned.
"Shawn's fantasy woman is Lita?" she asked unconvinced.
"Why are you in the conversation this is a wrestling thing, if you really wanna help go find Shakira, I want her to sing at the wedding," Tamara Nash told Britney.
"Shakira's got an awful voice!" Britney argued, "I can sing better than her,"
Britney burst into a chorus of "Hit Me Baby One More Time" causing all the TNA wrestlers to cover their ears.
"Hey Jarrett can I look at that?" Karen Curci asked pointing to Double J's blue guitar.
"Sure," Jarrett said handing it to Shawn's mother-in-law and she whacked Britney Spears over the head with it knocking her down in one full swipe.
"That's better," she said, "Can we leave her here with the rest of the bottom rung of society?"
"I'm sure these Wolfpackers wouldn't mind taking her to the best medical facility Mexico has to offer," Scott Hall said to the security guards with the Wolfpac t shirts who nodded and picked Britney Spears up and carried her over to the First Aid room.
"Hey that's where I had my kidney surgery," Konnan yelled and Karen Curci turned up her nose.
"You seriously need to change promotions," she said feeling sorry for him and Konnan was enraged by the fact that she had actually believed him.
"I want this bitch outta my wheelchair by the time we get to the hotel, why are you even in it? The sting of Cameron's Sweet Chin Music must have worn off by now," he argued indignantly.
"Oh sure you're all talk, this side of the border," she continued insulting Konnan even more and the founder of LAX was about to grab her out of his wheelchair when a loud roar echoed through the airport getting everyone's attention…
"That was a tremor, like just before an earthquake," Christy Hemme said.
"An Earthquake, in Mexico? That can't be!" Kevin Nash said, just as he said that the ground started to crack and big wedges formed separating land from land all around Tijuana.
"Oh my God what's going on?" Double J panicked as everyone ran for the safest point.
"Stephanie McMahon's lost her mind that's what's going on," came the cool voice of Carlito El Con Dios who appeared with TKO, Nitro and Shelton Benjamin.
"What's Stephanie McMahon got to do with this?" Tamara Nash asked in her husband's arms.
"She's made an unholy covenant with Jericho and Carla B. Cool; they're trying to kill DX - for real this time, they've already buried Hunter and Chyna alive in the earth, they're trying to kill Shawn Michaels but ATM won't let them," Randy Orton explained.
"Does Vince know about this?" Kurt Angle asked as Leticia jumped on his back off the ground and Christy, Gail Kim and So Cal Val did the same only on Abyss who didn't seem to mind having three beautiful women climbing on top of him, Sting was extremely jealous and took his frustration out on Samoa Joe by climbing on top of him.
"Vince is hanging from a crane in Los Angeles, he has no idea what's going on," The King's Oracle explained.
"Well maybe we should get him here so he can talk some sense into his crazy daughter before she kills my best friends!" Sean Waltman cried worriedly, he knew Stephanie was upset about DX re-uniting but this was taking things too far.
"Is she actually causing this earthquake?" Sting asked as Christian tried to support his weight by using Rhino as leverage as the floor continued to crack beneath them.
"Yes and the angrier she gets the more powerful she gets," Nitro said trying to keep his balance.
"Where is she getting this power from?" AJ Styles asked reaching out to Christopher Daniels who wanted to be left alone, "Come on Chris get up here before you fall!" AJ shouted but Daniels shushed him, "Don't shush me!"
"Shut up AJ, I'm trying to channel the devil," Chris answered and everyone looked at him like he was the anti-Christ.
"And why on Earth would you want to do that?" El Con Dios asked in disgust.
"To stop the Earthquake, d'uh!" Christopher Daniels replied, "It's obvious that Stephanie and Jericho have made a deal with him to kill DX,"
"So you're gonna try and talk him out of it?" AJ asked incredulously, "You know Chris you really take this Fallen Angel thing too seriously,"
"Yeah thanks for trying to help but I think we'll let God handle this one," Carlito interjected firmly and Daniels gave him a weary look.
"You don't get one without the other my friend and the devil ain't nuthin but a man without a home, all he needs is a sacrifice and then he'll give up," he explained.
"But Jeff Hardy already gave his life so Hunter could live!" Shelton cried.
"That wasn't a satanic sacrifice it was a heavenly sacrifice, the devil wants the blood of one of his worshippers not the blood of the holy and pure," Daniels explained and AJ Styles jumped down and pushed Chris into one of the gaps that had formed, Chris held his balance and shoved AJ down enraged by his actions, "What are you doing I ain't gonna be the sacrifice I've got too much to live for!"
"Then who else can we use?" Christy Hemme asked and everyone looked at Abyss who shook his head and ran away from everyone.
"Preferably it should be someone who's already dead," Daniels answered, "Like The Undertaker,"
"He'd be perfect but he's a little busy trying to kill me!" came a familiar voice and everyone turned to see Shawn Michaels running away from The Deadman who was being chased by ATM, LC, Cameron and Cheyenne Michaels.
"Shawnie up here!" called Nash who pulled HBK up onto the reservation desk as a massive crack separated the WWE Superstars and the TNA wrestlers from The Deadman and ATM.
"Kids!" Shawn called out to his children.
"Don't worry Shawn we'll take care of them won't we Ro-Ro?" LC asked her baby sister who blew a raspberry at The Deadman but the icy bubbles she formed just evaporated in the heat, "Okay we're officially in trouble," LC said as Aurora fell asleep, "Great now she gets tired,"
"Don't worry LC we've got this!" Melina called back to The Cerebral Assassin's warrior princess.
"Nowhere to go now Taker," Lita said, "Repent or die!"
"Never!" The Deadman said and a surge of lava spurted up between them smoldering the ground causing everyone to fear for ATM but they weren't scared; they knew where they were going after death and it wasn't as hot as Tijuana was right about now.
"See you in Hell Deadman!" Trish cried and Lita hit him with a Litacanrana sending him straight into the molten lava in screams of bone-chilling agony. The Earth quit trembling and pulled back together, everyone took a deep breath and stepped back down onto the ground.
"The devil has his sacrifice now all is well with the universe," Christopher Daniels said making his trademark pose and Sting frowned.
"You really bug me," he said climbing down off of Samoa Joe who sat in Konnan's wheelchair and asked the leader of LAX to wheel him around for the rest of the day and Konnan cursed furiously in Spanish.
"Um since when do we take instructions from a guy called the Fallen Angel?" Trish Stratus said, "Hunter and Chyna are in there with him, we have to get them out before they die too!"
Lita looked at Melina who looked at Trish who looked at Shawn who looked confused, "What are you saying you're gonna go in there after them?" he asked in disbelief.
"It's what we were called to do, this is our final mission before we disband," Lita said and Shawn's heart began to thump loudly in his chest, he stepped over to them and shook his head in protest.
"You can't go in there its too dangerous, what if you suffocate?" he asked anxious not to lose another woman before he retired from the WWE, he wanted to have someone to share the rest of his life with not another grave to cry over.
"With our powers combined, the devil can't touch us, we'll be back in no time, then you and Lita can go on your first date," Trish assured him confidently and Shawn couldn't help but smile as his future wife blushed.
"I saw this dress that I think would look really nice on you when I was walking through the hotel lobby," he told her affectionately turning his foot shyly left and right and the guys turned their heads away so he didn't see them laugh at how gay for Lita he was right now.
"I'm sure its lovely, but I'm not really into dresses," Lita said and Trish looked at her watch impatiently.
"Well I'll buy it for you anyway, you can always send it back if it doesn't fit," Shawn said.
"Why wouldn't it fit what size was it?" Lita asked and Trish let out a huge sigh getting really pissed off with them both; Melina loved every minute of it, listening to Shawn and Lita talk was like watching a rose blossom.
"About a 36DD - I mean . . . oh shit!" Shawn cursed himself when he realized that he'd been staring at Lita's boobs the whole time she was talking.
"I think we better be going," Melina said ushering Lita away before Trish switched on her and HBK who was getting chewed out by his mother-in-law for his lewd comment, "Leave the dress shopping to us," she said and Shawn nodded going as red as Lita's hair; the Queen of Xtreme took it as a compliment.
"See you real soon," she told him and Shawn blew her a kiss which Lita caught and put in her army pants pocket. She took Trish and Melina's hands and together they prayed for God to shield them as they entered the devil's underworld to save a dear and very special friend, his true love Chyna and bring them back in time to take care of Hunter's crazy-ass ex-wife and two equally crazy Canucks.