Chapter 14: Confessions of a Showstoppa
In the small church Rey Mysterio first wrestled in stood DX, their children and the rosters of the WWE and TNA, as the sun went down on Tijuana in the aftermath of the earthquake the wrestlers watched with amazement as Carlito El Con Dios exorcised the demons that had possessed the souls of Aaliyah and Dominic Mysterio with his holy water power; Carlito stepped into the baptism pool and cleansed it with the Holy Spirit which once on Rey-Rey's children chased the demon away and back into the depths of Hell. The experience left the children scared and disorientated but HBK calmed them down with his Kiss of Life, after that Aaliyah and Dominic were back to being happy children and ran outside to play with the Guerrero sisters, LC and Aurora Rose Helmsley, Cheyenne and Cameron Michaels.
"Thank you Carlito, I hope I can do the same for your kids if you can get Trish to keep her skirt on," Rey said and Trish shook off his comment knowing that Rey always wanted her to hook up with Rocky.
"That's fine Rey keep running your mouth, I might just run mine and tell your wife what really happened between you and Vicky while Eddy was in rehab," she said and Rey kissed her hand and apologized, "You better suck up to me like everyone else because I know everything about you guys,"
"Do you know where the unholy trinity is?" Rocky asked his ex-girlfriend and Trish pointed to the ceiling of the church, to everyone's horror there were Stephanie, Jericho and Carla, B Cool floating above their heads watching them like vampire bats.
"When were you going to tell us they were up there?" Jeff Jarrett asked Trish.
"As soon as Rocky asked me," Trish replied.
"You're some piece of work Stratus, first you break up Edge and Lita's wedding now you get us killed in a church in the middle of Tijuana," Judy Copeland said bitterly and Lita's mom rolled her eyes.
"Judy for the last time, Edge and Lita are not getting married, my daughter's in love with Shawn Michaels," Mrs. Dumas said. "Even though she doesn't know it yet,"
"That's bull-crap!" said the most unwelcome of people: Lita's dad, Mr. Dumas, he had escaped from the McMahon's motor yacht DX hijacked and found his way to Mexico along with Ric Flair, Torrie Wilson and the Bookahs.
Randy sighed in frustration, "I thought I told you to stay in NC and wait for Hunter and Joanie?" he said.
"What's the difference we're here now?" Flair responded.
"We didn't know if you guys were safe after that earthquake so we decided to make sure," Torrie said and Trish rolled her eyes.
"Humans, oye!" she said like a Jewish mother and Flair, King and Queen Bookah and Torrie looked at her confused.
"There is a reason why God dispatches angelic beings to help you people, hand me the picture Randy," Trish said to TKO who frowned at her.
"Please?" he said and Trish just snatched it out of his hand and held it up for Flair, Torrie and The Bookahs to see.
"Uh-oh," King Bookah said and Rey Mysterio looked at the picture too.
"Is that Edge lighting this church on fire?" he asked and Trish nodded.
"See she never tells us anything until it's too late!" Mrs. Copeland said annoyed by Trish's Truth-telling abilities and everyone looked at her darkly.
"It's your son that's going to come here and burn this place down not mine; he can't stand the idea of Lita being happy unless it's with him!" Mrs. Dumas snapped.
"I say she stay single for the rest of her life, what man in their right mind would waste their time, money and love on my trampy daughter?" he said and a rush a warm air rose up from the back of the building, when everyone turned around they saw Lita standing with Edge arm-in-arm.
"I would," Edge replied and everyone watched as he strolled towards them confidently with Lita by his side and Bret Hart behind them.
"Your wasting your time Edge, Lita is not in love with you anymore and to be honest she never really was," Matt Hardy said eating a bag of Skittles from the box he jacked from the convenience store in Houston before Hurricane Aurora tore the place apart.
"So the wedding goes ahead as planned?" Christian said.
"Yes," Edge said and Shawn felt his roots pulling at his scalp, when he turned around he saw Undertaker dragging him to the back of the church.
"What are you doing Deadman?" Shawn asked frantically.
"Saving your life," Undertaker replied, Shawn turned to run back into the church when he saw Hunter, Joanie and the rest of the Kliq surrounding him.
"Stephanie was about to kill you, so I told Mark to drag you out of there and back here in the confessional because well, we have a lot to get off our chest," Hunter explained and Shawn rolled his eyes.
"Hunter I'm glad you're okay I really am, I don't appreciate you letting Mark run off with Cam and Chey while you got your tan on in Hell but," Shawn started sarcastically then Chyna cut him off.
"Stephanie, Jericho and my daughter are Hell bent on revenge for DX re-uniting, don't make us change our minds and hand you over to them on a church collection plate," she said and HBK got hot.
"Excuse me but do I get to live my own life or do you guys plan on controlling me forever?" he said angrily.
"What's the supposed to mean?" Kevin Nash said.
"Edge is about to destroy this church and I'm in here getting a lecture from you guys instead of saving it, this was the church Rey Mysterio used to wrestle in when he was a kid guys, its more than a building its where legends are made, so if you'll excuse me," Shawn said about to leave when Undertaker stopped him in his tracks.
"Shawn Lita told me to drag you back here," Undertaker said and Shawn froze.
"What?" he said in disbelief.
"She doesn't want to marry you, she's staying with Edge and the wedding's going ahead in Toronto as planned, if you knew you'd try to talk her out of it and get burnt up in the process making Stephanie McMahon extremely happy," Undertaker explained and the Kliq looked away as Shawn began to cry, "It was all in the picture Randy showed us, she thought it would be easier coming from the people who know you best,"
"She doesn't want to marry me?" he said and Undertaker comforted him by putting a strong hand on Shawn's shoulder and squeezing it tightly.
"She's just not that into you," he said and the tears fell in streams as Shawn took in this devastating news with extreme difficulty.
"But I love her," he said and Hunter's ears pricked up.
"What did you just say?" he said astonished by what Shawn just said.
"You were right Hunter, you were right all along, I am crazy about this woman and I've been lying to myself for years trying to be the perfect husband, telling Rebecca I never thought about her outside of work when I did - I thought about her all the time, I think I might have even moaned her name while Becky and I were in bed! But I didn't think it was love I thought it was just a li'l crush!" Shawn confessed.
"I KNEW IT!" roared an angry female voice but no-one could see where it came from.
"Whoa who was that it sounded like Rebecca?" XPac said and it was; Rebecca appeared to them as a vision with Eddy Guerrero who had his mouth over hers with his trademark grin plastered across his face.
"What up Holmes?" he said to the Kliq who ran out of the confessional screaming except Shawn whose jaw was now stuck to the floor.
"Eddie's alive!" Hunter screamed as they ran back out into the sanctuary of the church.
"My Eddy?" Vickie Guerrero said and Rey Mysterio looked at Chris Benoit who made the "cuckoo" sign with his fingers thinking that Hunter wasn't much different from his crazy ex-wife and her new Canadian family who everyone was throwing things at trying to get them off of the ceiling of the church.
"No way Eddy's alive in our hearts but he's dead and gone, Hunter's just been drinking holy water out of the vestibule again," Chris Benoit assured Vicky until Eddy and Rebecca came out to greet him with Shawn and the Undertaker.
"EDDIE!" Everyone cried.
"I knew this was gonna happen," Trish said angrily and everyone scowled at her, "You know I could have taken care of this Jesus, you didn't have to send the dearly departed to help us out!" she said angrily and Melina knocked her on the arm and told her to watch her mouth before God smote her.
"I asked God if I could come down and intercede on Lita's behalf," Eddy said and nodded towards Rebecca, "Mamacita's got a lot to say g'head mama,"
"I thought I was your mama Eduardo?" Vicky Guerrero said on her knees looking up at the apparition with Stephanie, Jericho and Carla B. Cool who where still on the church ceiling looking down at the wrestlers who were crying for some reason.
"What's happening?" Stephanie said as her third eye began to disappear and she started to come down to the floor with Jericho and Carla whose third eyes were also disappearing.
"The spell is breaking, God must have sent Rebecca and Eddie here to stop us," Jericho said, "They show what true love is all about, we're trying to destroy DX but they'll never die with angels looking out for them, I guess we better call it a day Princess,"
Stephanie, Jericho and Carla landed on the floor back to their normal selves and were about to apologize to DX when Carlito threw them into the baptism pool and began to cleanse their souls as Melina prayed for their deliverance from evil and healed their broken hearts.
"May you two find the peace in love that you could never find in life, I bless you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost," she said as Carlito held them under the water for awhile, when they came up out of it they were radiant with life and they actually looked like a happy couple.
"One down, one more to go," Carlito said to Melina who nodded and looked over at Edge and Lita who were clinging to each other like Siamese Twins.
"You know I'm all about choices," Trish said to Lita, "But you have no choice in this you will get married to one of these men on Saturday and you know which one to choose and you're too chicken to make the choice!"
"What are you talking about Stratus; I'm not afraid of anything!" Lita replied.
"Your afraid that Shawn's gonna end up like every man you've ever loved," Trish continued and Matt felt very uncomfortable all of a sudden.
"Don't go there Stratus," Lita warned her sister in Christ.
"Oh I'm going there, I have no choice but to tell the Truth its what God ordained me to do, you think Shawn's gonna think you're not good enough for him because you don't think you're good enough for anyone!" Trish yelled and Lita went scarlet.
"That's enough Trish," Edge said, "Lita's made her choice and it's me!"
"Is it or are you just a consolation prize?" Matt Hardy said and Edge gave him the finger, Matt ignored him and looked Lita right in the eye ignoring the hazel orbs that were currently burning a hole into Trish, "You can do better bella, don't sell yourself short, marry Shawn he's the man of your dreams,"
"I KNEW IT!" Rebecca yelled and Eddy gagged her mouth again.
"We'll be going back to Heaven now, see you on Saturday, Jeff says make sure you leave him some Skittles Matty," Eddy said and they began to ascend when Lita broke into a sprint and ran after them.
"Which one do I choose?" she asked Rebecca before she disappeared and Rebecca smiled at her.
"If I tell you God's gonna make me do chores with Jesus, He's got His eye on you darling, just look inside your heart and you'll make the right decision," Rebecca replied and Lita looked between Shawn and Edge, then between Melina and Trish who were looking back at her with Carlito and Randy.
"I choose Edge," she said and ran off to the Rated R Superstar who welcomed her into his arms and knocked over the candelabra setting the small Mexican church on fire.
"What's that smell?" LC said as Aurora smelled the air scrunching up her nose in disgust. Shaul and her sisters looked over at the church and Dominic noticed the plumes of smoke.
"Papi!" he cried.
"The church is on fire!" Cameron cried and Cheyenne jumped up on his back and he bolted towards the door.
"Ro-Ro kill the flame with another one of your tornadoes!" Lisa commanded and Aurora obeyed directing the wind with her sterling silver rattle causing the little church to chill and the flames burnt out leaving Edge confused.
"What happened just then, that felt like a tornado went by?" Bret Hart said.
"My daughter extinguished the flames," Stephanie McMahon said running out of the church towards LC and Aurora, "Come here sweetie and give momma a hug," she said with her arms outstretched and Aurora threw her rattle at her knocking her unconscious and LC and the gang laughed.
"I guess its gonna be awhile before she warms up to you like a billion years," she said and Cameron took hold of LC's hand and lead her towards the church steps where everyone was standing and applauding the Cerebral Assassin's baby girl.
"That's my girl!" Hunter said taking Aurora in his arms.
"You and Cameron make the cutest couple," Chyna said ruffling her daughter's hair and looked over at Carla who was looking down at her shoes with tears in her eyes, "Maybe you guys should kiss and make up," she said as LC scowled at her sister.
"Never, not after what you did to DX, you tried to kill our parents!" LC snapped.
"But the Bible says you must forgive up to seven times seventy times, how many times have you forgiven Cameron for being a Christian dork?" Cheyenne said and Cameron took that as a compliment.
"About a million," LC said, "but that's only because I love him - oops, forget I said that!" she said blushing and Cameron smiled.
"I KNEW IT!" he screamed like his mother's ghost, "you hear that daddy she loves me, I told you she was the one!" he said to his father and gave LC a huge kiss much to Carla's surprise.
"Can we be friends again? At least until I find my true love so I can rub him in your face like you're doing to me right now?" Carla B. Cool said.
"What about you Shawn, can you be friends with Bret so you can come to the wedding in Toronto?" Christian asked HBK who was observing at the victory dance his son was doing in front of everyone, it looked very familiar.
"Quit copying me Cameron," he said and Lita tapped him on the shoulder.
"Answer the question, are you gonna come to Toronto for the wedding?" she asked and Shawn nodded.
"Of course I'm coming to the wedding, I want whatever makes you happy Big Red even if it isn't me," Shawn said swallowing his pride down as far as it would go and Lita gave him the biggest smile he had ever seen.
"Good because I'm staying right here and getting married to you," she said and Shawn was ecstatic and jumped up and down and started doing his own victory dance while Edge went into a fit of rage.
"That was the best rib of all time!" Trish said slapping hands with Melina, Carlito and Randy while Hunter and Chyna looked at the Kliq in equal surprise.
"Wait you knew she was gonna pick Shawnie over that Canadian douche bag?" Kevin Nash asked Trish who nodded.
"I even got you in on it Taker," Trish said and the Deadman made the Tombstone gesture with his hands indicating that Trish was a dead woman walking for pulling the wool over his eyes.
"So I'm not Lita's true love?" Edge protested furiously and his mother picked up Sting's baseball bat and swung it at The Truth: Trish Stratus.
"Give me that!" Sting said snatching it back, "Don't ever threaten a woman of God with my weapon of choice,"
"Christian put that guitar down!" Lita's mom said as Christian was about to break Jeff Jarrett's guitar over Trish's head enraged by her keeping them all in the dark.
"Lita made her choice alright and it was Shawn, she just didn't want to leave her single life without some controversy," Trish said and the WWE Superstars laughed and eventually Bret Hart did too.
"Controversy? That's something you know all about Shawn Michaels, its only fitting that your future wife would be another man's fiancée," he said dryly and Shawn rolled his eyes.
"Are you gonna stay for the wedding or are you pissing off back to Canada with this miserable loser?" Shawn said pointing to Edge who gnashed his teeth.
"This isn't over, we've got three days to Monday Night RAW and I'm going to let the whole world know how straight you're not with the video footage Alex Shelley made of us when you were channeling Lita's spirit through your tattoos!" Edge threatened and Kevin Nash shook his head pitifully, "What are you looking at Big Lazy?" he said to Big Daddy Cool.
"Alex's Shelley Cam got destroyed by Mexican customs officers, and every teenage girl in America has seen those pictures and they think you make the cutest couple so find another way to sabotage Shawn's marriage that doesn't involve you and Shawn in Steph and Hunter's tour bus," he said.
The wrestlers laughed, Shad and JTG especially, as Edge went red, "At least I didn't get brainwashed by the Undertaker and lie about it so my older brother wouldn't find out!" he shot back.
"But you did have sex with Lita while I was injured and made her have sex with you on Monday Night RAW while you were still married," Matt Hardy said.
"Who here didn't have a man crush on Shawn Michaels at some point in their life anyway?" Undertaker asked the WWE and TNA wrestlers and no-one put their hands up and Shawn blushed.
"You guys are the ones who need to get married, there's nothing wrong with being in love with another man Hunter, as long as no icky stuff is involved," Shawn said turning to his best friend who was blushing the hardest.
"Why is everyone looking at me?" Hunter said defensively.
"As long as it's healthy and doesn't involve a leather seat on a tour bus," Shawn finished and Edge blushed hard.
"It was just a hug!" he yelled and everyone laughed at him.
"Yes it was and it was nice," Lita said and Shawn laughed as Edge stared at her in disbelief.
"You really did feel it when I was with Shawn didn't you?" he said smiling and Lita nodded.
"I was in his body, we were one and now we'll be one in the eyes of the Almighty Father in less than two days," Lita beamed smiling like a Cheshire cat, then her face turned sour as she saw her father glaring at her.
"I don't think so missy, you'll ruin his life the way you ruin every man's that you fall in love with, I'm going back to Georgia, don't expect me to stay for the farce of a wedding!" he snapped.
"Good because you're not invited, Edge will you give me away on Saturday?" Lita asked her ex-fiancé.
"No," Edge answered.
"I'll give you away bella," Matt Hardy said and Lita threw her arms around him and cried.
"Thank you Matt, I love you so much," she said and Matt rubbed her back lovingly.
"I love you too Amy, for everything including bringing my little brother back from the dead," Matt said.
"What if he doesn't want to come back?" Melina said, "Heaven's the only place to be, why would he wanna come back here and get screwed out of the WWE Championship again?"
"One thing at a time people, Edge please stay don't go away bitter like Bret did, I've really gotten close to you over the past year and I want us to go on working together when we go back to work, please stay," Shawn asked the Rated R Superstar who looked at his mother who shook her head, then looked at Lita's mom who nodded that he should go.
"I'll stay on one condition," Edge said and Shawn rolled his eyes wondering why Edge could never do something for free.
"Name it," he said, "You want a shot at John Cena after Wrestlemania right? Fine he's yours,"
"No, I want to choose the band for your wedding," Edge replied.
"No way, I get to choose the band, he's my best friend!" Hunter snapped.
"Well Lita's my ex-fiancé that counts twice!" Edge replied and Shawn and Lita watched as Hunter and Edge degenerated into a feud with no ring or referee present.
"Okay stop it, there's only one way to settle this," Shawn said and Lita listened curiously. "Rock, Paper, Scissors," Shawn said and Hunter smiled.
"I never loose at this, after 3," he said and Edge got ready, "1-2-3!" he cried and made a rock while Edge made paper.
"I win I get to choose the band!" Edge cheered jumping up and down and doing HBK's victory dance.
"Will everybody please stop copying off of me!" Shawn snapped and both Cameron and Edge stopped moving.
"Paper does not cover rock!" Hunter retaliated.
"Yes it does, you lost don't be a sore loser," Chyna said and Stephanie rolled her eyes at her.
"And you call yourself a Helmsley," she said taking Chyna over to one side, "Honey if you're gonna be Mrs. Hunter Hurst Helmsley you're gonna have to think like a McMahon,"
"You mean act like a complete maniac and write my family out of their inheritance if they ever piss me off?" Joanie replied and Stephanie stormed off with Jericho following after her.
"Aren't you gonna go with them?" LC asked Carla who shook her head.
"I don't think I can take anymore McMadness, can I stay with you and your family? You Helmsleys are so much more fun," Carla said and LC looked up at her father who was still making his case for choosing the band for Lita's wedding and challenging Edge to a Rock, Paper, Scissors rematch.
"As long as your cool with me and Cameron sucking face," LC said and Carla nodded, "Cool, then I've got a plan to make Lita's wedding the coolest event America has ever seen!" she said and called the Guerreros and the Mysterios back into the church and planned the wedding from Heaven in the small church where legends were born and WWE history was made.