The Last Adventure of ATM: Heaven on Earth

Chapter 16: Standoff at the Camino Real

Outside the Camino Real Hotel, Tijuana, Mexico, 7pm:

Chyna was standing still and LC was right there beside her.

"Something wrong mommy?" she asked and Chyna nodded.

"Yup, trouble's brewing I can feel it," Chyna replied holding her daughter's hand.

"How do you know trouble's coming?" LC asked as the birds began to swarm over their heads and the tourists stopped in their tracks to observe while others fled to their hotel rooms.

"After 5 years as a professional women's wrestler in the WWF you learn to smell trouble before it comes, ain't that right Stratus?" Chyna said looking to her left where The Truth: Trish Stratus was poised awaiting danger too.

"That's right Joanie, those divas are here for you," Trish said and LC frowned.

"Is this because you posed for Playboy?" she asked and Chyna nodded and LC kicked her father in the shin.

"OW!" Hunter yelped out.

"Why did you ask mom to pose naked, have you some crazy idea that all women have to be naked all the time?" LC asked angrily and Hunter thought about it then answered.

"Hell yeah," he said and Shawn stepped on his foot, "Shouldn't you be getting ready for your date with Lita?"

"I think this is more important then sipping virgin coladas and sharing nacho cheese chili fries Hunter," Shawn said and Chyna and Hunter looked at him like he was the dumbest cowboy this side of the border.

"This isn't about getting a snack with your girlfriend Shawn, it's about getting to know your future wife a bit better," Chyna said.

"I know Lita pretty well we've worked in the same company for like 7 years," Shawn said defensively and Hunter chuckled, "What?" Shawn asked annoyed.

"I know what this is about, you're afraid to have sex with her," Hunter said and Shawn laughed.

"Me? Afraid of sex? My theme music is all about how sexy I am how could I possibly be afraid of having sex with Lita? That's ludacris pun intended!" Shawn said confidently but DX weren't buying it.

"Because you've never had sex with anyone besides Rebecca," Chyna answered and Trish blushed while LC laughed hysterically and ran to tell Cameron what a dork his father was.

"Wait come back my son worships the ground I walk on!" Shawn said running after her while Hunter and Joanie awaited the arrival of Ashley and Candice; the 30ft Divas had destroyed L.A and crushed San Diego and according to The Truth, they were almost in Mexico and heading their way.

"How much are you paying me for this?" Chyna asked Hunter pulling on her leather gloves while Hunter tied back her long black hair.

"I'll see how much spending money's left in my bank account after I pay for Shawn's penis enlargement; that man needs a new set," Hunter replied and Joanie slapped him on the arm.

"There's nothing wrong with Shawn he's just not ready to get intimate with another woman, his wife just died baby, plus there's the children to think about. What kind of man just jumps into bed with the first woman he likes after losing his wife of 7 years?" Chyna said as Kevin Nash came over.

"Somebody call my name?" he said casually chewing gum as always.

"Get out of here Nash I've got this all under control," Chyna said.

"Carlito says the Whore of Babylon has turned Ashley and Candice into 30ft giants is that true?" Kevin asked Trish who nodded, "So why aren't you guys running for your lives?"

"Because that would be cowardly and I don't do cowardly," Chyna replied and Nash nodded seeing where LC got her moxie from.

"Well if you get in trouble, Scottie and Sean said they'll come a'runnin, I'll be in the pool playing Marco Polo with the normal Divas," Nash said and Hunter got irritated.

"Did you come all the way down here to tell us that?" he snapped, "If you really wanna be a pal go find Shawn and remind him how to have sex with a beautiful woman because he seems to have forgotten,"

"What?" Nash asked horrified, "Hunter the man just lost his wife and the mother of his children, you really think he's gonna have sex with Lita before they get married?"

"He has to or he might regret it later, what if she's not any good? Becky was a tigress," Hunter argued and Nash cocked his eyebrow suggestively.

"You don't have to tell me twice," he said and Hunter and Chyna laughed, "Rebecca was good in bed but that's because Shawn was too, you're only as good as the guy or gal you're having sex with,"

"Well in that case I'm terrible cause I'm not having sex with anyone," Shawn said coming back outside after failing to catch up to LC, "The idea of having sex with Lita after I told Rebecca that I wasn't interested in her just feels so wrong," he explained and Hunter rolled his eyes.

"Look just go find Edge and have a Live Sex celebration that'll help ya," Hunter said and Trish started to get aggravated and pinched her nose in distress.

"Why is everything always about sex when it comes to you Hunter? Can't you ever accept that two people can just hold hands for an extended period of time?" she said frustrated and Hunter baulked.

"What are you talking about Stratus you've had sex with half the Attitude Era," Hunter responded and Trish nodded.

"That's how I know, when I was single, I was sleeping with guy on top of guy and it made me unhappy because I could never see myself settling down with a man I truly loved. When you give it up that easily sex becomes so unspecial like a Bra and Panties match, once you've seen one Bra and Panties match you've seen them all. Shawn and Lita are like a 60 minute Iron Man match; it starts off slow, then it gets really intense and before you know it both competitors are lying flat on their backs totally exhausted by the once in a lifetime experience they shared in front of millions of people," Trish said and the Kliq just stared at her.

"Trish you have the weirdest sex dreams," Shawn said and Hunter, Chyna and Nash nodded, "But I think you're right about me and Lita being like an Iron man match and not some stupid diva pillow fight that comes on before the main event," Shawn rubbed his chin thoughtfully, "I gotta know she won't think I'm not attracted to her if we just hold hands for an extended period of time,"

"What if you guys just make out until Saturday?" Kevin Nash suggested compassionately.

"Yeah just take it real slow," Chyna suggested.

"Or you could just do her and get it over with," Hunter snapped angrily and the Kliq gasped in shock as he stormed away in a huff.

"What the Hell's twisting his nipple?" Chyna wondered distracted from keeping watch by Hunter's outburst but Shawn shrugged it off.

"He's jealous I'm gonna do what he's dreamt about doing for years; having sex with Lita," Shawn explained and Chyna turned her white.

"Hunter dreamt about having sex with Lita?" she said in disbelief and Shawn felt like digging the biggest hole and burying himself right in it; Undertaker was never around when he needed him.

"Uh-oh," he said avoiding Chyna's icy glare her mint green orbs glazing over with rage.

"HBK dropped the ball Scott!" Nash yelled to the top floor of the Camino Real while Shawn tried to reason with Chyna.

"Don't take it personally Joanie you know Hunter, if it's got legs he's just gotta want it!" Shawn continued and even Trish had to balk at that one.

"Shawn you really dropped the ball now!" Trish cried and Shawn watched in horror as Chyna began to grow, "Well that's just great St. Michaels now the Whore of Babylon's got her!" Trish told him and ran inside to get reinforcements to the two people who would never drop the ball while Shawn wondered who was more dangerous, the 30ft Playboy Covergirls or the 6' 4" best friend he had cheesed off consecutively for the last decade?

Just then a small hand tapped him on the leg and there was LC, Carla B. Cool, Cameron, Cheyenne, the Guerrero Sisters and Aaliyah and Dominic Mysterio.

"Go dad, we've got this," Cameron said confidently nodding to his girlfriends, past and present.

"I'm not so sure you all can take on the Whore of Babylon," Shawn said anxiously.

"Oh yes we can," Carla B. Cool said, "We're the antidote Uncle Shawn," she said and Shawn frowned confused.

"How's that?" he asked.

"We're all virgins, the Whore of Babylon only attacks, um . . . non-virgins," Shaul explained blushing and Dominic grinned until Shawn slapped him around the head.

"Don't be getting any ideas boy or I'm gonna tell your daddy," he warned Dominic who said something derogatory in Spanish which HBK understood and slapped him again.

"Quit hitting me!" Dominic complained and HBK took him away from the girls to find Rey Mysterio and left Shaul scratching her head wondering why her favorite Uncle in the whole world was so upset with Dominic.

"Okay people we're one virgin down but I think we can still stop the Whore of Babylon," Carla B. Cool said and Shaul laughed.

"What's so funny?" Cheyenne said sternly clapping her Children's Bible shut and putting her hands on her hips irritated, "This is serious," she said.

"I know its serious," Shaul said.

"Then why were you laughing?" Carla B. Cool asked.

"Because you said we're one virgin down and Dominic ain't no virgin," Shaul said and LC's raised her eyebrow Rock style.

"And let me guess, neither are you," she asked and Shaul nodded causing Carla and Chey to almost feint from shock.

"Dom and I had sex while we were flying in from L.A," Shaul said and Sherilyn and Kaylee Marie got really mad.

"Mama's gonna kill you hermana!" Sherilyn cried angrily, "Why did you have sex you're not even allowed to have a boyfriend!"

"Because he asked me to and I liked him, don't worry we used a condom," Shaul said coolly but LC was beyond pissed off with this piece of information.

"Newsflash Shaul, we need virgins to cast out the Whore of Babylon, Cameron go get Tristen and Sean Preston before Ashley and Candice get here," LC said and Cameron looked down at his feet and LC groaned in disbelief, "Don't tell me those two are players too?" she said her strength waning.

"I don't know about Sean but Tristen is a Nash and Nashes like women especially other peoples," Cameron explained and LC and Carla jumped up and down furiously.

"Oh this is just perfect, how are we going to banish the Whore of Babylon back to Hell if we're surrounded by hos?" Carla snapped and everyone saw the relationship between her and LC clearly for the first time; these two were on a holy assignment and they didn't have anytime to waste on foolish mortals or their sexually active children.

LC snapped her fingers and looked at the sun, it was going down and the earth was starting to tremble, Ashley and Candice would soon be here, "There's only one person who can save us now and she's taking a nap," she said and Carla shook her head knowing who her sister meant.

"But she's only been down half an hour she hasn't gotten all her beauty sleep yet, if we wake her she'll be in a really, really bad mood," Carla said and Cam-Cam, Chey, Aaliyah and the Guerrero Sisters smiled knowing who they were talking about.

"I'm counting on it Carla!" LC cried, "You guys go get her and whatever you do don't take that yellow rain hat off her head!" she instructed her friends and they obeyed running up to the hotel to awaken the sleeping beauty Hurricane Aurora while LC waited eagerly for the Playboy covergirls to arrive.

"I got a feeling this is gonna get real ugly," she said to herself, "I need a weapon of some-kind," she thought and looked up at the 30ft Diva she called mom, "Weapon located, 9th Wonder of the World standing by awaiting instruction," she said and jumped up onto Chyna's leather pants and climbed all the way up to her mother's ear, "Okay listen up mommy, the Whore of Babylon wants you to destroy all unfaithful men but if you do that, daddy would have to go away and you've already been to Hell and back so why get mad at him now? Forgive him for his sins and put this bitch back where the Hell she came from once and for all!" LC instructed her mother who was wrestling with her raging feelings of revenge towards Hunter, LC could see her struggling with her emotions and decided to mention the one thing that would set her mother's mind right, "Stephanie would love to see you two break up, don't give her that satisfaction!" she said and Chyna howled at the idea of losing Hunter to the Billion Dollar Princess again and rolled her shoulders almost bouncing LC off them as she did so.

"It's showtime Whore of Babylon!" she said seeing Ashley Massaro and Candice Michelle coming towards her over the horizon, they thought she was on their side; they didn't know how wrong they were.


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