Chapter 33: There's No Place Like Home Part 3
AJ Styles house, 1am:
"Okay this party sucks, I say we sneak some booze around the back and drink it while Shawn's not looking, whad'ya say?" Matt Hardy said to Shelton Benjamin.
"Can't talk, kissing," Shelton replied as he and Krystal kissed it up by the stacked Styles trophy case.
"Man I miss having a girlfriend, but not as much as I miss you Jeff," Matt Hardy said looking at the almost empty bag of Skittles Lita had given him. Maria looked on while rubbing her ever swelling stomach.
"Your brother's amazing," she said her eyes sparkling under the florescent lights in AJ's lounge, "I could never get John to do anything like that for me,"
"Jeff really cares about Lita and he always had a kind of respect for Shawn, I guess he really is over what Mark said about him being gay, or else he wouldn't have gone out of his way to piss him off so bad," Matt Hardy replied and Maria blanched.
"Wait a second, Jeff is gay?" she asked in shock.
"No Taker just thought he was but that was before Shawn showed him the light," Matt Hardy explained.
"So Jeff's straight?" Maria asked making sure she got her facts straight for once.
"Yeah of course he is why? Is there somebody interested in him?" Matt Hardy asked curiously and Maria nodded towards Ashley Massaro and Matt Hardy lost all color in his face.
"C'mon Hunter let's go with that hooch!" he cried to Triple H who was still trying to get beer into AJ's house despite the protests coming from him, Shawn, Sting and ATM. Matt Hardy wrestled the keg from AJ and started hitting it hard while Ashley shook her head depressed, no-one wanted to hook up with her after the whole Whore of Babylon thing.
"Thanks for trying anyway Maria," she said to the bouncy announcer and Maria looked on sadly hoping that Jeff Hardy would give her a chance, she'd have to get in line of course, Extreme Expose over heard Maria and Ashley's conversation and now they all wanted to be with the Charismatic Enigma too.
"I was sure he was gay, Taker's full of crap man," Brooke said to Layla.
"I say we let Kelly Kelly have him," Layla said and Brooke pouted.
"No I wanna be Jeff Hardy's girlfriend," she protested.
"No way I'm way prettier than you," Kelly Kelly protested back and Lita interrupted them wondering what they were arguing about, "Lita you've known Jeff Hardy since like forever, who is he most likely to hook up with me or Brooke?" Kelly Kelly asked the buxom bride-to-be and Lita thought about it carefully, as usual Trish answered before she could even open her mouth.
"Kelly Kelly," she answered and the leggy blond did a back flip in celebration, Brooke and Layla looked to the Canadian diva for an explanation, "For the simple reason that Jeffrey loves girls who are athletic and Kelly Kelly's the only one out of the three of you who can do back flips, you wouldn't be able to keep up with him Brooke, Jeff's a break-dancing fiend, sorry," Trish explained and walked away leaving Brooke feeling very competitive all of a sudden and Lita frowned knowing where this was going.
"Oh no," she said to herself as Brooke challenged Kelly Kelly to a back flip competition, "AJ I suggest you closet all your expensive art work because something's about to get broken," she said to the host of Shawn's "Christian" batchelor party.
"Back flips? Ya'll wanna see a back flip ladies? Well check this out," AJ Styles said to Extreme Expose and did a triple back flip wowing his guests, especially HBK.
"Wow that was awesome, I bet I can do that, hold my non alcoholic beer will you sweetie?" he asked Lita who wasn't sure she heard him right and shook her head in disagreement.
"Shawn you're not seriously going to do a triple back flip in those jeans are you?" she asked him concerned, "I mean they're extremely tight,"
Shawn looked down at himself, "Are you sure these were yours Edge and not Lita's?" he asked Lita's ex-fiance.
"You gave him my jeans?" Edge asked Lita horrified, "He's too fat look his ass is just busting out of them!"
Lita bit her lip in anticipation of being able to get inside those jeans and caress Shawn's ass very, very soon, "It certainly is," she said carnally and Trish smacked her on the head and Lita resented that very much, "You're always going on about what a great ass Rocky's got, which by the way is an exaggeration,"
"What?" Trish said horrified, "Come on Lita my man's ass is way hotter than your man's ass,"
"Which man are you talking about, I mean seriously there's been like 3 in the last 2 minutes," John Cena commented and Trish slapped him around the head.
"Besides, everyone knows it ain't the back that counts, it's the front," Scott Hall said making the SUCK IT gesture at his crotch and Hunter, Kevin and Sean got in line and did the famous crotch chop simultaneously. Shawn looked on enviously really wanting to join in but those days were long behind him, he leaned his head to one side then the other and prepared himself to flip.
"Shawn I really think this is a bad idea," Lita said and Shawn hushed her but Lita continued, "At least take those church shoes off," she continued.
"Fine I'll take them off, man these are tight AJ," Shawn said trying to take the expensive Italian loafers off and the Phenomenal One shrugged.
"I wanted to give you something new for your wedding," he said and Shawn moved the shoes to one side, rubbed his hands together and went to flip but the jeans were way too tight and they split before he could leave the ground and the whole room erupted in laughter.
"Say AJ you wouldn't happen to have something else new you could give me for my wedding, like a new pair of jeans that aren't like a million times to tight, gees Edge how much do you weigh, 120lbs?" Shawn asked Rated R and Lita followed him upstairs to AJ's room.
"I'm sure I've got a pair of jeans from my old lady that I haven't worn yet, what size are you Shawn?" AJ asked HBK rumaging through his closet while the Anointed Couple came in behind him.
"32 wide," Lita answered and both AJ and HBK gave her a bemused look and she spoke into her chest sheepishly.
"Try these on Shawnie, " AJ said handing his Kliq buddy a new pair of Levi's.
"If you insist on doing anymore back flips, do one on me," Lita said cheekily and left the room, after she left Shawn collapsed onto AJ's bed.
"You've got it bad haven't you?" AJ Styles said sitting next to the Showstoppa on his bed.
"I can't stop thinking about her, I've had to fight like crazy to stop myself from taking her clothes off and devouring her beautiful lips with mine, touching her gorgeous legs with my hands and putting my mouth on her - "
"OK that's enough sexy talk Sexy Boy, only a few more hours to go Shawn, then you can make love to her just the way you want, I'm sure you won't have any problems in the love making department," AJ Styles assured Shawn as the Heartbreak Kid pulled on AJ's jeans which fit him perfectly which wasn't surprising since they more or less had the same build.
"You're right, I'm just a little horny and that red dress baby doll's sporting ain't making it any easier - EEK!" Shawn let out a pained noise and when AJ saw what he had done he covered his mouth feeling his stomach turn in revulsion, "AJ, I thought you said these were new?" Shawn said losing his breath going purple.
"They are I haven't even worn them!" AJ assured him backing up as Shawn came closer barely able to walk after what he just did.
"The zipper's broken and I'm caught!" Shawn shrieked in agony and AJ looked away totally grossed out.
"Yeah I can see that," the Phenomenal One said, "How bad does it hurt?"
"YARGH!" Shawn screamed as he tried to pull the zipper back down but it wouldn't budge, "Real bad, get Hunter he'll know what to do,"
"Okay, put some ice on it or something I'll be right back okay sit tight!" AJ assured Shawn and HBK scowled at his choice of words, "I mean just relax," AJ said apologetically and ran down the stairs to find Hunter and drag him back up to his room.
"What's with you kid where's the man of the hour, still trying to fit his fat ass into those tight ass jeans of mine?" Edge said as AJ tried to subtly get Hunter upstairs without creating a commotion, unfortunately for Shawn a commotion was about to be created.
"The train's off its tracks," AJ whispered to Hunter who had a huge problem understanding him with the Christian music blaring in the background.
"Gees Stinger will you turn that crap off? Jesus loves me I get it okay enough already!" Hunter yelled at the Icon of TNA and he complied turning 'Jesus Love Me' down a bit glad that Hunter at least got the message that Jesus loved him.
"Shawn's had a bit of an accident with the new jeans I gave him and he needs you to go upstairs right now and give him a helping hand," AJ explained slowly and now Kevin, Scott and Sean were gathered around wondering what on Earth happened up there.
"I heard Shawnie scream a couple of times but I just assumed he was excited about tomorrow," Big Sexy said cooly and Lita rolled her eyes.
"I'll go see what the problem is," she said turning for the stairs when Trish pulled her back trying not to laugh.
"This is definitely a guy thing honey, Hunter your best friend needs you and I suggest you hurry," Trish to the Cerebral Assassin who skipped upstairs towards AJ's bedroom and saw the funniest thing since he shoved Vince McMahon's head up Big Show's butt.
"You stupid sonofabitch," Hunter said as Shawn stood uncomfortably still with his dick caught in his zipper fly.
"I can't get it out, its stuck what am I gonna do?" Shawn hissed in pain going red with agony while Hunter went red with hysterics.
"One second I'll be right back," he said then he hollered down the stairs, "Kevin, Scott, Sean you gotta see this Shawn's got his dick caught in his pants!" Hunter yelled down the stairs, everyone heard but nobody believed him except those who knew when Hunter was kidding and when he was serious and the Kliq knew he was dead serious and came a-running to help their Christian brother out.
"Ouch, that's nasty," XPac said seeing Shawn's trapped nether regions.
"I think I'm gonna throw up," Scott Hall said looking away in disgust.
"This is no big deal," Big Kev said strolling cooly over to his old friend and putting his hands on his shoulders to calm him down, "All you have to do relax, I'm gonna get this bad boy back on track, everybody count to 3 now," he said to the rest of the Kliq.
"After you say 3 or like right now?" Hunter asked him and Shawn gave him a snarling glare, "I just wanted to make sure we were all in time," Hunter explained and his boys shouted him down.
"Pay attention Hunter this is serious, Shawnie's got a big day tomorrow and the last thing he needs is for his dick to be out of service!" Kevin Nash admonished the co-founder of DX, "Lita's a very sexual woman, she gonna want him to go at her pace, he's gonna have to be at his best and break her off no questions asked,"
"I don't think Lita has sex as her highest priority, she looks like a hugger to me," XPac said dreamily, "Don't you just wanna hug her real tight?" he asked Shawn who nodded through his pain.
"Um-hmm," he squirmed as Kevin began to lower the zipper and saw that he was starting to relax.
"What else do you want to do to her Shawn?" Hunter asked seeing the effect Lita was having on him, he wasn't in as much pain as he was before.
"I want to run my fingers through her hair and tell her how much I love her," he answered and Scotty and Sean sighed affectionately and Kevin eased the zipper down over Shawn's private parts noticing how easily it slipped out as Shawn began to fantasize about making love to Lita.
"I think you better take these bad boys off and go kick AJ in the nuts for giving you these," Big Sexy said helping Shawn take off the shoddy jeans.
"What am I gonna do I can't walk around like this all night?" Shawn protested.
"Why not, you used to walk around naked all the time when we were rolling together on the road?" XPac said as Shawn rummaged through AJ's drawer looking for underwear.
"That was a long time ago, I'm a Christian now I can't be the Sexy Boy you guys grew up with, I've got children and a career to think about," he said finding a pair of Calvin's and he slipped them on then welched in pain, "Shit," he snapped and his boys knew things weren't alright down there as he looked up at them dispairingly.
"Looks like Lita's gonna be in for a big disappointment, cause the Heartbreak Kid can't get it up," he said regretfully while Hunter's mind turned immediately to the one person who he knew could heal him right up, he just hoped Nitro wouldn't have a problem with his wife laying hands on Shawn down there and he flew down the stairs to find Melina the Miraculous to stop Shawn and Lita's marriage from starting off on the wrong foot.
"Maybe now Shawnie will wear underwear from now on," he said to himself as he grabbed Mrs. Hennigan and brought her into what was now the emergency room leaving Lita with more questions than answers and Trish with a dilemma which was to laugh out loud or hold it in until after the honeymoon was over, whatever her decision this was turning out to be the worst Christian themed batchelor party Shawn Michaels ever had and it was just getting started.