Chapter 5: The Whore of Babylon
Grand Wilshire Hotel, Beverly Hills, CA:
Torrie Wilson entered the famous hotel to the stars with Rey and Vicky hot on her heels but she didn't care or even notice that her bag was much heavier than usual, she was blinded by her own desire to be Shawn Michaels' new wife. She pressed the call button and tapped her golden Gucci sandal until it came and bolted in before Rey and Vicky could catch her.
"What is their problem?" she said ruffling her eyebrows as the bellboy took her Louis Vuitton bag from her, "It's not like I've got something that belongs to them,"
"Excuse me ma'am did you know you have a little girl in your bag?" he told her and she gasped.
"We need to go back down!" she cried hitting all the buttons and the bellboy tried to calm her down but she had pressed the penthouse suite and ended up there with Aaliyah Mysterio who was laughing and refused to leave the warm leather interior or Torrie Wilson for that matter.
"I think she likes it in there," the bellboy observed and Torrie sighed.
"Vicky's gonna think I'm out of my mind," she panicked taking Aaliyah out of the bag and smiling warmly at her, "I'm so sorry sweetie I'll take you back downstairs to your family okay?"
Aaliyah shook her head, "Deseo permanecer con usted!/ I want to stay with you!" she pouted reaching up to play with Torrie's golden earrings.
"You don't understand English?" Torrie said getting more and more worried as the minutes passed, "Oh dear, here baby play with these until we get to the ground floor then I want them back,"
Aaliyah put the earrings on and just as the elevator doors began to close, Britney Spears and her son Sean Preston stepped in.
"Hey Torrie!" Sean beamed and Torrie sighed.
"This isn't what it looks like," she told the young mother and her young son who was sucking on a soda can while Britney removed her sunglasses to make sure she wasn't seeing things.
"Aaliyah?" she said confused, "What are you doing in that gorgeous Louis Vuitton carry-on muchacha?"
"Estoy ocultando de Dominic/ I'm hiding from Dominic," Aaliyah replied.
"¿Él está poniendo los movimientos en Shaul otra vez?/Is he putting the moves on Shaul again?" Preston asked and Aaliyah sighed.
"¡Necesito una rotura de esos dos!/ I need a break from those two!" she replied agitated, "¿Ése es porqué estoy colgando hacia fuera con Torrie Wilson, ella me dio estos pendientes nuevos frescos y desea casar a tío Shawn, usted lo piensa tiene gusto de ella también?/ That's why I'm hanging out with Torrie Wilson, she gave me these gold earrings and she wants to marry Uncle Shawn, do you think he likes her too?" Aaliyah said and Britney gasped.
"You can't marry Shawn Michaels he's mine!" she snapped and Torrie looked at her angrily.
"Since when do washed up pop stars tell Torrie Wilson who and who she can't marry? I'd like to see you walk down the isle with your head looking like a shaved armpit!" Torrie said rudely and Britney laughed.
"Honey, if ten years in the music industry has taught me anything its that looks don't matter, its what's in your heart that counts, Shawn wants a mother not a lover and I think I've got the advantage when it comes to child bearing, don't you think its time you stop pretending to be me ten years ago and start being who you are now?" Britney said sarcastically.
"And what is that Britney?" Torrie said.
"You're desperate! Come on Torrie, if Shawn wanted to marry a 33 year-old blond he would have proposed to you before he left Texas, he's only interested in women who can look after his kids and hello? Parenthood isn't exactly one of your strengths is it Miss Playboy 2003-2004?"
Torrie's head sank, "Oh my God, you're absolutely right, as long as I don't have kids Shawn would never want me as his wife, Jesus what am I gonna do?" she said panicking as the elevator door opened and Vicky and Rey Mysterio grabbed her Louis Vuitton carry on which now had both Aaliyah and Sean Preston inside.
Vicky kissed Britney's son on the cheek and waved at his mom, then she abruptly slapped Torrie Wilson across the face.
"If you don't pull yourself together Stephanie McMahon's gonna let you go, this kind of behavior is unacceptable from a legendary WWE Diva such as yourself," she said firmly as Torrie held her now red cheek.
"Legendary? As in old?" Oh my God it's true I'm over - the hill that is!" Torrie cried and collapsed in the elevator next to the luggage carrier and the bellboy panicked trying to revive her before people started to panic as well.
"What's going on here?" Stephanie McMahon said seeing the people crowding in the lobby and was furious to see that Torrie Wilson was causing all the commotion just like Shawn Michaels had at the Portofino Bay hotel back in Orlando and this was not the day to be pissing Stephanie McMahon off.
"She's okay she's just a little stressed out," Britney explained stroking Torrie's hair compassionately as the bellboy revived her, "She's worried that she might be a bit too old to be a diva,"
"How old are you this year Torrie?" Stephanie asked as the blond bombshell slowly came around.
"Oh hi Stephanie, how's Aurora?" Torrie said as Britney and the bellboy helped her to her feet relieved that she was okay.
"Sweetie why don't you come up to our room?" Vicky Guerrero said and Torrie wondered why she was being so nice all of a sudden, "Come on Stephanie's got her own problems let's go," Vicky said waving her children into the elevator.
"And what problems are those Vicky?" Stephanie said angrily crossing her arms across her chest and raising her voice so that everyone knew she was in town like the hoards of WWE fans outside wasn't clue enough that the WWE was in Hollywood.
"Oh I don't know Stephanie how about the way you just wrote Aurora Rose out of her inheritance and dropped her at Louis Vuitton like a dime?" Vicky snapped angrily and Britney and Torrie gasped.
"You dropped your eight month old baby?" Britney cried disturbed by this news.
"It was an accident, LC bit me dammit!" Stephanie said in self-defense.
"LC bit you, why?" Torrie asked confused.
"Because . . . nevermind," Stephanie said turning her nose up.
"Because you were trashing her mother most likely," Vicky answered.
"Chyna is a piece of trash and so is that bastard daughter of hers, if it wasn't for them I'd be happily married right now instead of going through a divorce and losing my only daughter to those damn Helmsleys!" Stephanie said angrily her eyes swelling with tears, "I'll never EVER forgive Hunter for this, and by the way I do think you're a little too old to be a WWE Diva Torrie Wilson, YOU'RE FIRED!" she yelled at the Playboy cover girl and stormed off in a huff leaving everyone horrified, everyone except Torrie Wilson that is who was figuring out the fastest route to North Carolina to see her old buddy Ric Flair and his good ole friend, HBK.
"Torrie are you okay?" Vicky asked concerned, "I knew that bitch was gonna fire you she's got her father's temper,"
"And chin," Mysterio added.
"If I catch the 450 out of LAX I can be in Charlotte by 6," Torrie said to herself ignoring Vicky and Rey's concern for her well being.
"Wait you're going to Charlotte? Isn't that where Ric Flair lives?" Shaul Guerrero asked curiously.
"Isn't that the old guy DX is hanging out with?" Dominic asked his father who nodded ruffling his son's hair fondly.
"Don't the Hardyz live in North Carolina?" Kaylee Marie added.
"I wanna see Uncle Shawn, I wanna see Uncle Shawn!" Sean Preston said jumping up and down and everyone put two and two together and understood why Torrie Wilson was so happy.
"No way!" Vicky Guerrero said.
"Yes way you're looking at the next Mrs. Michaels!" Torrie replied grabbing her Louis Vuitton bag, putting on her huge sunglasses and strutting through the crowded lobby to hail a cab to the LAX airport.
"If you want him you better run faster than that bitch!" Britney said sprinting past Wilson into the cab she just hailed and burning it downtown towards the airport and Torrie threw a temper tantrum so big everyone stopped to watch it.
"Dammit-dammit-dammit, how am I gonna get there before she does?" she cried frustrated pulling out her hair.
Just then Konnan's low rider pulled up and Melina the Miraculous poked her head up and waved to the WWE fans with Nitro, Shelton, Krystal and the other members of LAX.
"Thanks for the ride Konnan," Nitro said lifting Melina out of the back while Krystal and Shelton jumped out onto the pavement.
"I sure hope none of the McMahons are around," Shelton said looking from left to right to see any shark eyed moguls or green eyed medusas around, "Vince would throw a fit if he saw his top Superstars rolling with TNA stars,"
"Hey Vince need a ride?" Homicide yelled at the mogul who was taking to some press on the other side of the street.
"Thanks Nelson!" Nitro said angrily, "You totally screwed us!"
"Nothing that you gringos haven't been doing to the Latino nation for years, take care of yourself Melina, o a le viva la razza!" Konnan yelled out and started up the hydraulics but the car wouldn't start, "Dammit Joe!" Konnan cursed the Samoan Submission Machine who had flattened one of the wheels with his body weight, "Get out and push!"
Joe sank even deeper into the back seat and Homicide and Hernandez sighed, got out of the low rider and changed the wheel while Joe finished his afternoon burrito.
"Torrie where are my earrings I lent those to you," Krystal said staring at the blond's earring-less ears.
"Aaliyah's got them, I can't talk now I got a date with destiny!" Torrie said hailing another cab.
"Somebody call my name?" Randy Orton said pulling up in his metallic black Hummer H2 and stepped out into a sea of screaming girls. Torrie was one of them and jumped into the passenger seat.
"I need to get to Charlotte can you drive me to LAX?" she asked him desperately.
"You can't go to Charlotte we've got a house show in San Diego in less than 3 hours," Melina said and Nitro cleared his throat.
"You mean I've got a house show, you're retiring remember?" Nitro said and Melina slapped her head totally forgetting their agreement.
"You're retiring like Trish and Lita? But you only just became the Women's Champion why would you retire now?" Torrie asked confused.
"Because I'm pregnant and Nitro and I agreed that one of us should stay home and I figured I should since I've got a lot less to lose and a hell of a lot more to gain, know what I mean?" Melina explained and Torrie looked down sadly at her flat stomach.
"I know exactly what you mean, so who you dropping the belt to Ashley?" Torrie asked her and Melina shrugged.
"I have no choice, believe me I'd rather drop it to you Torrie you've been around for so long you deserve it, I mean as far as WWE Divas go, you're a Legend!" Melina said sweetly and Torrie let out a primal scream right out of Melina's play book causing everyone to cover their ears, "Do I sound like that?" she asked Nitro who smiled and kissed her on the lips lovingly.
"I love it when you scream baby," he said and Melina giggled, "Torrie relax, just wait for us okay? We're going to spend the weekend with Flair and the Hardyz; we're all going down to Charlotte on Friday to help Shawn move in,"
Torrie did a double take, "Shawn Michaels? Shawn's moving in with Ric Flair?" she asked confused.
"No he's moving in with the Hardyz, I just spoke to Lita, he says he doesn't wanna impose on Joanie and Hunter now that they've got two children, so Naitch offered him a room at his place but Shawn said it stank of alcohol, so Jeff suggested he move in with him and his brother,"
"But the Hardyz don't live in Charlotte," Shelton said confused.
"I know they live in Cameron, Lita's old home town," Melina replied and everyone exchanged baffled glances.
"I can't believe Lita's gone back there after everything those hicks but her through over the last two years," Krystal said.
"Well Lita's come a long way since Team Xtreme, she's having a great time and I can't wait until we get down there to hang out with my sisters in Christ!" Melina said excitedly.
"You mean they've finally forgiven her for the whole love triangle thing between her, Edge and Matt Hardy?" Torrie Wilson asked amazed.
"Yeah, she's Anointed Amy now, if anybody hurts her feelings she has the Divine Right to kick their asses," Melina said and Torrie gushed.
"Wow the Divine Right to kick ass, I wish I had a gift from God that I could use to open a can of whoop ass on Britney Spears," she thought enviously, then noticed Sean Preston was standing on the sidewalk waiting for his mother to come back, "Who left her son on the sidewalk oh my God, come here baby," she called to Sean who ran over to LC instead and gave her a big kiss.
"You rock my world baby!" he said and LC punched him in the face.
"Your mother sucks ass," she replied shaking out her fist as Torrie comforted Sean.
"She does not!" Sean said as Torrie took the ice out of his soda and put it on his face as LC came over to Randy's metallic black Hummer with Aurora, Carla B. Cool and her adoptive family, Charlotte and Dan.
"Aurora likes my mom don't you?" Sean asked the baby in LC's arms who blew a raspberry at him.
"I thought she liked Mariah Carey?" Melina asked blowing a kiss at the little mamacita with the bright yellow rain hat, "It's not raining take that off sweetie," she said removing the apparel then she heard a thunder clap and quickly changed her mind.
"Don't touch it she likes it," LC said, "Nice Hummer Randy, is this what you use to pick up guys when Edge is with Lita?" LC asked TKO who smirked.
"Picking on kids, making gay jokes, like father like daughter huh LC?" he said, "I heard you put on quite a show on Rodeo, you might be the most talented member of your family,"
"What show what are you guys talking about?" Nitro said waving to the fans ignoring the death glares coming to them across the street from Vince, Shane, Linda and Stephanie McMahon.
"LC did a rendition of "The Game" with Chris Jericho and the rest of her family and it totally blew Mariah Carey's performance out of the water, she even got kids asking for her autograph there's no doubt you're gonna follow your father into this business, you might even become a Legend that my son get's to um, "kill" one day," Orton said cheekily and LC gave him the finger which Aurora imitated and Charlotte gasped.
"LC behave yourself!" she snapped angrily and LC shrugged.
"What it's a family tradition!" she argued.
"Like lying, cheating and stealing!" Carla added, "Which I'm sure those guys have done plenty of, what are LAX doing pushing that low rider down the street with that fat guy sitting in the back?" she asked and everyone turned to see what she was talking about and Nitro and Melina rolled their eyes.
"Joe ain't fat by accident let me tell you, that dude loves his burritos," Nitro said.
"Not as much as you love your pornos," Shelton Benjamin said annoyed and Krystal drew his attention to the two little girls listening, "I'm sorry but after all the madness we've been through with ATM Nitro, you had to go and unleash other demon and not just any demon, the Whore of Babylon,"
"The Whore of Babylon?" LC and Carla said at the same time.
"Where-where?" Randy said looking around for a Babylonian prostitute, "Do you know her hourly rate?"
"This isn't a joke Randy, Nitro read Ashley's Playboy edition and when a married man reads pornpgraphy he curses his marriage vows and unleashes a demonic spirit that is very seductive, very beautiful and intent on destroying the sacred institution of holy matrimony,"
"Is there anyway to stop it?" Charlotte asked concerned, "I don't want anyone else coming onto my husband except me,"
"Just keep him away from Maria," Shelton said.
"What's wrong with Maria?" Torrie asked concerned.
"Where is she anyway?" Krystal asked looking around from the Chi Town beauty.
"There she is!" Dan said.
"Don't look at her!" Shelton said covering Dan's eyes.
"Why can't I look at her?" Dan said pulling Shelton's hands away from his eyes so he could look at Maria.
"Oh my God what's happening to all those men?" Melina said as one by one man after man turned to stone.
"Quick Mel go heal them!" Nitro said encouraging his wife as people started to scream.
"But there's thousands of them I can't do it alone!" Melina said looking at all the men Maria had turned to stone, then she didn't hear anything and turned to see what happened to her husband, "ARGHHHHHH!" she screamed as Nitro turned to stone just like all the other married men in downtown L.A. The women covered their ears but they didn't for long as Melina's primal scream broke the stone and freed the men within.
Torrie ran towards Maria and grabbed her, wrestling her to the ground which quickly turned into a bra and panties match.
"Break it up!" Vince McMahon said as people started to take pictures of the WWE Divas fighting in their underwear and Melina shook her head in concern; this was no time to be leaving the WWE, the Women's Division needed her now more than ever now that the Whore of Babylon was on the loose.
"I can't have this baby," she said to herself and spoke to Jesus, "What am I going to do Lord, what am I going to do?"
A camera flashed in her face and when she recovered from the blinding light she saw Randy Orton drying a Polaroid and brushing his hand over it; she knew what he was doing, "Show it to me," she said and Randy turned the picture around to show Melina what was going to happen to her in the future.
"Be careful what you wish for you just might get it," The King's Oracle said as Melina shook her head in disbelief.
"I can't believe it Shelton was right," she said tears welling up in her eyes, she jumped into the passenger seat of Randy's Hummer, "Drive, anywhere I don't care just drive," she said crying and Randy looked at Nitro who was wondering what the Hell was going on and shook his head pitifully.
"I'm sorry bro, but you brought this on yourself," he said and drove Melina down to Santa Monica away from the man that was gonna break her heart.
Nitro grabbed Shelton and shook him violently, "How do we put this Whore of Babylon back where she belongs?" he asked desperate not to lose his wife and Shelton smiled confidently.
"The answer to your question is simple: don't cheat on your wife," Shelton said and Nitro frowned.
"I'm not gonna cheat on my wife Shelton you gotta believe me, I love her with all my heart I swear!" Nitro assured him.
"You sure about that?" Krystal asked him stroking his hair and Nitro felt horny just looking at her, he quickly snapped himself out of it and realized what was going on: he was being tested, this Whore of Babylon was making him attracted to every beautiful woman Melina knew including Krystal and Maria.
"He's gonna need our help," Shelton told his girlfriend who nodded noticing all the beautiful women around them smiling at Nitro and Nitro smiling at them all in return.
"This is not going to be easy," she said shaking her head and LC pulled on her skirt and gave her some advice, "Cut his balls off?" Krystal replied horrified.
"Castration was used often to stop men from cheating on their wives back in Christ's day, it's the only way to be sure," LC explained, "I've got some relics from the Roman Empire back at my house if Melina decides to try something other than crying,"
Charlotte shook her head in amazement, any doubt that Lisa Cornelius Helmsley was her real sister was now completely erased from her mind.