Chapter 8: To Live and Die in LAX
Meanwhile still in LAX airport Sting and LAX were arguing over how to get back to Florida with LC and Carla B. Cool.
"We're not taking the Stinger its 1 o'clock in the morning we might bump into a buoy or something," Sting argued.
"But I'm scared of flying please don't make me go up there!" Konnan pleaded and Homicide and Hernandez gave him a disproving look and he toughened up, "I mean let's go Holmes this wheelchair ain't gonna move itself!" he said to Samoa Joe who was falling asleep waiting for his buddies to decide how they were traveling, LC couldn't stand him and kept on punching him in the stomach but he didn't seem to mind.
"You're so cute, wanna learn to wrestle I could teach you?" he asked the Lil Assassin who gave him the finger in response.
"My father is the best wrestler in the world why would I want to learn how to eat burritos and fart all day? I mastered that art a long time ago tubby now move your fat ass!" LC demanded pushing Joe of his seat or at least trying to, "Carla little help?" she said to her sister who was on the phone with Chris Jericho, her father.
"You're not coming why not?" she asked him, "You're staying in LA with Stephanie McMahon? But Lisa and I need to talk to you about . . . you know," she said quieting her voice so no one could hear her, "About whether or not you're my real father,"
Jericho sighed, "Carla I am your real father," he said wishing he could be there instead, "I took a sample of your DNA to the hospital and compared it with Lisa's, you are both sisters and I am your father,"
"So does that mean that Uncle Hunter isn't Lisa's father?" Carla asked confused.
"WHAT?" LC cried grabbing the pink cell phone out of Carla B. Cool's hands.
"LC!" Carla snapped angrily her wrist now hurting, Homicide went inside his bag and pulled out some tape.
"Come here chica," he said sweetly and Carla let him tape up her wrist like a professional boxer, "Go like this," he said putting his fists up like a fighter and Carla copied him and smiled feeling much better, "She's alright," he said to Hernandez who nodded, as a father of two Homicide didn't like to see children suffer.
"Gracias amigo," Carla replied and she turned her attention back to her sister who was getting the lowdown on her paternity from Y2J who was still in Hollywood with Rocky and The McMahons.
"You're insane Jericho how could both your sperm fertilize mom's egg at the same-time?" she asked indignantly thinking Jericho was making the whole thing up.
"Well the doctor said that's what happened; when I slept with Chyna my sperm was about to fertilize her egg but decided to take a nap first or something, apparently my sperm is really lazy,"
"A little too much info dude YARGH!" LC said gagging and Jericho continued.
"Anyway when it woke up Hunter's sperm was almost inside the ovary! So my sperm caught up and just as Hunter's sperm was about to fertilize Joanie, we both broke through at the same-time!"
"What is this the Embryonic Olympics? What happened next?" LC asked and LAX and Sting frowned wondering what this little girl was on.
"The egg split into two, one was you and the other was Carla, so long story short you're twins with different fathers, get it? Got it? Good! Now put my daughter on the phone so I can say goodbye to her you little brat!"
"Go screw yourself Jericho or sleep with Stephanie whatever you do you're in for a miserable night!" LC replied and handed Carla back her cell phone, "He's your father alright," she said as Carla took the phone, "don't feel bad nobody's perfect, well except me I'm a Helmsley, what are you staring at Stinger?"
Sting shook his head, "You are a Helmsley through and through kid and I feel sorry for you," he replied and LC frowned.
"She doesn't know how many people would love to assassinate The Cerebral Assassin," Hernandez observed.
"I'd like to see them try big man because if anyone wants to mess with my dad, there's gonna have to go through me first," LC replied confidently and Konnan and Sting exchanged glances and wondered if LC knew what Jeff Jarrett had planned for DeGeneration X this month.
"Maybe we should just tell her now," Sting said and Konnan nodded.
"Tell me what ass-face?" LC asked Sting as they all walked towards the gate where the next flight to Orlando, FL was departing momentarily.
"JJ's planning another TNA invasion this time on your family," Sting explained and LC stopped and turned to see her adoptive family loitering outside the bathroom.
"Will you guys get over here Double J's up to something and it involves you!" she cried and her family strolled over to the little terror with apologetic looks on their faces, "What did you guys do in there get personality transplants what's wrong?" she asked suspiciously and Charlotte stroked her face lovingly but with tears in her eyes.
"We're not coming with you to see Hunter and Chyna LC," she said and LC shook her head confused.
"We thought it would be best to say goodbye here in LAX and then go back home to Bakersfield," her adoptive father said, "You don't need us anymore Lisa, you've got your own family now and its time for us all to go our separate ways,"
LC felt tears burning behind her lids but she dare not let them show, not in front of the rival TNA wrestlers and ROH punks, "So you're just gonna go home and forget me is that it?" she asked Charlotte who started to cry and Dan embraced her and wiped away his tears too.
"That's not what we planned but after seeing you perform at Louis Vuitton and the way you've been about HHH your entire childhood, there's nothing left for us to do except let you go to him LC, we're holding you back there's nothing left here for you in LA, except Carla of course," Dan explained and LC turned to look at her sister who was crying too.
"You knew about this?" she shouted angrily, "You knew they were gonna abandon me right here in LAX and didn't say anything?"
"I'm not going to leave Charlotte and Dan, not after everything they've done for me, I'm staying in LA too, that way I'll be closer to my father," Carla replied firmly and LC felt her heart breaking and Samoa Joe handed her his diet coke and she knocked it back hard, "You okay LC?" Carla asked as LC scrunched the can in her hand and scowled at her best friend cum cousin cum long lost sister.
"Okay Carla, you stay here with my adoptive family and your crazy ass father, I'm gonna go to Florida with the Stinger and LAX and get Cameron and Cheyenne out of grandma's house, then we're all gonna go to Universal Studios and have a blast. Just me and Cameron like at Karate Kamp, no more stupid Canadians to distract him, just me: Lisa Cornelius Helmsley. You better not write him anymore dumbass letters telling him how much you miss him because guess what? He's my boyfriend now! You should have never got with him in the first place; you made him into this weak and pathetic wuss just like you. Cameron Michaels used to be about something now he's nothing but a nervous wreck and its all your fault Carla B. Cool!" LC snarled.
"I think his mother dying had a little role in that too LC," Carla replied coolly and that made LC even madder, she held out her wrists to Homicide who knew what she wanted to do.
"Tape my wrists, I wanna whoop that trick!" LC demanded and Homicide looked at her adoptive family who shook there heads, "Don't listen to them they don't care about me anyway just do it!" LC barked and Charlotte picked her up and started to spank her on the bottom until she cried.
"That's enough out of you!" Charlotte said and LC jumped up and down furiously until Samoa Joe picked her up and put her in a sleeper.
"That's better," Sting said as the little Hell-raiser went to sleep in the Submission Machine's arms, "We'll call you from Florida," Sting told Charlotte who nodded taking Carla in her arms.
"She's not as tough as she thinks she is," Charlotte says, "Take care of my little sister,"
Sting nodded, "I won't let anything happen to her, God bless you guys," he said to Charlotte and her family including Carla who was worried that she had lost Cameron to his first love again, she had to speak to him soon, but first it was time to take a nap in her adoptive mother's arms and in the morning, she would be with Stephanie and Chris Jericho living the good life right here in L.A.
Somewhere over Texas . . .
Sean Preston was asleep on Torrie Wilson who was nervous about seeing Shawn Michaels again, she was sure Britney was in Charlotte already but how far would Sean Preston's mom go to get that ring around her finger?
"I hope she falls and twists her ankle before she can ring Naitch's doorbell," Torrie thought darkly stroking Sean Preston's hair as he slept, "then I can be with you longer little man," she said hopefully and kissed Sean's head, the kid's eyes popped open and he looked up into the big blue eyes staring back at him and smiled.
"I love you Torrie," he said and Torrie choked back tears as he went back to sleep in her arms.
"I've waited so long for a guy to say that to me and I had to hear it from a four year-old kid!" she sighed and Randy leaned over from the seat next to hers and smiled sweetly.
"Maybe it's a sign that you need to settle down, raise a family of your own," he said and Torrie rolled her eyes.
"What do you think I'm going to North Carolina for? To hang out with Flair and the Hardy Boyz? I'm marrying HBK if I have to drown this boy's mother to do it!" Torrie insisted and Randy backed off.
"Okay I see you've got this whole thing planned out, but I think you should know Shawn's not interested in marrying anyone except . . . well, I can't tell you or Trish is gonna kick my ass but it ain't you or Britney Spears," Randy replied and Torrie ignored him, "You don't believe me?" Randy said, "I want you to know I'll be there for you after he breaks your heart, that's all,"
Randy walked to the back where Undertaker was and sat down next to the Deadman while Torrie prepared her declaration of love to HBK causing Maria, Edge and the Bookahs to laugh out loud while Melina and Nitro made out in the bathroom.
"She's gonna get laryngitis," Randy said as Melina screamed with pleasure as Nitro made declarations of love peppered with kisses for the second time during the flight.
"Good then maybe she'll shut up for once," Shelton said covering his ears with both his as Krystal's pillows, "I wanted to ask you something baby, but I can't hear myself think!" Shelton complained to Krystal who was resting her head on his exposed chest.
"What?" she said crankily as Melina hit a note so high Mariah Carey couldn't even reach it.
"Lord have mercy," Maria said rubbing her rounding stomach, "I should have gotten pregnant by Nitro I haven't been romanced like that since . . ."
Everyone waited for Maria to fill in the blank but she never did and they went back to Shelton's question to Krystal.
"I want you to meet my momma in South Carolina," Shelton said and Krystal sat up straight the hairs on the back of her neck standing up and she wasn't the only one.
"Shelton no you didn't!" Randy Orton said getting excited.
"What didn't he do?" Melina asked coming out the bathroom pulling down her skirt before Nitro pulled her back in again and resumed their all nite sessions of making out in the airplane bathroom.
"He proposed to Krystal," Randy answered and turned the picture he took of Shelton and Krystal in L.A around and there they were cutting a wedding cake together.
"Halleluiah!" Judy Copeland cried coming over from her son's side and kissing Shelton and Krystal.
"Mazltov!" Edge said applauding them both.
"I haven't even proposed to her yet!" Shelton yelled outraged and Edge and his mother backed away quietly, "Thanks Air Canada, I was gonna wait 'til we got to NC so I could propose in front of Lita, Amy, Carlito, Naitch and DX,"
"What about the Hardyz?" Maria asked excitedly.
"Screw the Hardyz!" Mother and son Copeland said at the same time.
"That's not very Christian," Maria said disapprovingly furrowing her brow at Edge and Judy.
"Neither is having sex out of wedlock," Edge replied and everyone looked at him like he was the biggest jerk on the planet, "No judgment," Edge added knowing that's how the hatred between him and the Hardyz started in the first place.
"What about it Krystal? Will you marry me?" Shelton asked the sexy diva who couldn't believe what was happening.
"Oh my," she said and Maria wiped the tears away from her eyes loving seeing Melina and Krystal so happy, it gave her hope for the future when Punk got out of jail, "I'll have to check with my brother first,"
Shelton frowned, "You're brother? What's his name?"
"Jay," Krystal answered reluctantly and Randy hid behind Undertaker so Shelton couldn't see him laughing.
"Jay as in Jay and Silent Bob?" Edge asked curiously.
"No Jay as in JTG from Cryme Tyme," Krystal answered and Shelton's face melted.
"That dumbass n****i is your brother?" he cried in disbelief and Krystal nodded, "Did you know about this?" Shelton asked Randy who was still hiding behind The Deadman until Shelton pulled him up so he could see him laughing.
"I knew but I just wanted to see your face when you popped the question," Randy pulled out a picture of Shelton proposing to Krystal, "Here's the before picture," he said showing the picture to everyone looking, "And here's the after picture," he said showing everyone the picture of Shelton screaming in horror when JTG came up to him and said,
"YO-YO-YO-YO-YO - Yo, congratulations playa, Shad and I are gonna throw you the baddest, dirtiest, hoodiest bachelor party of all time, welcome to the Marshall family bruh!" JTG said jubilantly pulling Shelton into a hug while Shad popped open a bottle of Kristal and started pouring it over Shelton's head.
"I think we should just be friends," Shelton said through champagne soaked lips to Krystal who kissed him lovingly.
"We already are friends, I want you to be part of my family," she said adoringly.
Shelton looked over at Randy who was going red with laughter and so was everyone else.
"Give me that!" he yelled snatching the Cristal from Shad and knocking it back like ten year-old Scotch.
"Drink up everybody, there's much more where that came from," JTG said pointing to three crates of Cristal under Cryme Tyme's seats.
"Isn't that for Edge and Lita's wedding?" Undertaker said.
"There isn't gonna be a - hey what's your problem Orton?" JTG said as The King's Oracle kicked him abruptly, "If you wanted a glass all you had to do was ask!"
"Why you sitting next to Taker anyway? Didn't he Tombstone your ass the last time you were on PPV?" Shad asked handing out champagne glasses to everyone including Maria who handed it back, "Oh my bad baby here drink this instead," Shad said handing Maria some water.
"He's my boyfriend," Randy said and everybody spat out their Cristal at the same-time as Orton smiled proudly and came out of the closet, "That's right I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it," he said and Maria grabbed Torrie and told her to kiss him.
"But I love Shawn?" she said.
"Just do it!" Maria said and Torrie laid the Kiss of Life on Orton and brought him back to straightness.
"What happened? I had a dream that I was gay and you guys couldn't believe it," Randy said.
"It weren't no dream, you just came out of the closet!" Shad said still revolted by the mere idea of Randy with any man let alone The Deadman.
"Wow, I like you Mark but not that much sorry man, thanks Torrie," Randy said and Torrie smiled.
"Anything for a friend," she replied warmly and felt her lips swell and licked them savoring the sugary goodness the Kiss of Life always left behind.
"Maybe you should lay one of those on The Deadman, since he's still batting for his own team, no-one who wears that much mascara can be straight," Edge said disdainfully, he really should have kept his mouth shut.
Undertaker rose to his feet and stalked over to Edge, pulled him up by the scruff of his shirt and kissed him.
"Get off my boy!" Judy said wailing on The Deadman but it was too late, Mark went back to his seat with the sugary goodness St. Michaels had left on Edge and taken it for himself much to Edge's chagrin - his mouth felt assaulted now and the sweetness was gone; The Kiss of Life had been replaced by the Kiss of Death and Lita's fiancé was its first victim and unfortunately for Jeff and Shawn, the Deadman was heading their way too.