Arizona thought Callie was being ridiculous, yet secretly, the thoughtfulness of the other woman warmed her heart.
She was sitting quietly in the dark living room, watching the beautiful woman sleeping peacefully, and she knew, then and there, that she loved her. The gate was open, there was no going back to bury these feelings, and she was completely screwed.
It made her feel terrified. Callie made her feel terrified. Being pregnant and being terrified was not a good combination.
She thought about their first big fight after Callie broke up with her. Arizona blamed Callie for sleeping with her the night before Callie broke them up. She accused her of knowing already yet still going for the physical contact out of selfishness, one last time.
She could never again feel the way the aftermath of that night made her feel, ever. She couldn't put herself in that position.
The thing was, she was nearly certain the other woman would never make her feel that way again, never put her in that position.
Nearly being the watchword.
"So, what? Was it a goodbye?" Arizona asked accusingly.
"No, Arizona, I didn't know. It didn't hit me until we got to the therapist's office," Callie swore.
Arizona was standing in Callie's hotel room. It took Callie a month, but she finally left the house, and it took Arizona a couple more weeks, but she finally came to tell Callie what was eating at her, what she'd been thinking for weeks but couldn't bring up.
"How could you possibly not have known?! A day after, Callie! A freaking day and you broke up with me!"
"I didn't want to know, Arizona! That's how it's possible! This wasn't about saying goodbye. I thought it was a reunion!"
"Well, I don't believe you," Arizona said coldly.
"Well, there's nothing I can do about it," Callie said quietly, sadly. She seemed defeated.
"Yes. Yes there is," Arizona said and walked towards Callie. She was now so close, they were practically breathing the same air.
"Arizona… no," Callie pleaded. It's not that she didn't want to. It's that she did. That was the problem. She always wanted to.
"Why?" Arizona asked, and she seemed so vulnerable to Callie. "What about me? Don't I get to say goodbye?" she said in a chocked voice.
When Callie didn't move, Arizona leaned in and kissed her. They were angry, they were sad, and they were also still very much in love. That kiss conveyed all of that.
"I get to say goodbye, too," she whispered.
And then she did, over and over again for about a month, before Callie finally cut her off completely, breaking Arizona's heart into pieces.
"Arizona, we can't do this anymore," she said, voice barely audible.
"Don't tell me what I can or can't do," Arizona said angrily, feeling like Callie was really slipping out of her grasp, permanently.
"It's for your own good," Callie said, the sadness and heartbreak evident in her eyes, voice, body language.
"We can still have sex even if we're not together," Arizona argued.
"No, Arizona, we can't."
"Why the hell not?" Arizona asked bitterly and Callie sighed.
"Because… when I have sex with you, it's because I feel guilty. And because I love you."
"Don't say that," Arizona spat angrily. She really didn't feel loved. She looked away from Callie.
"And…" Callie said and gently put her hand on Arizona's chin to make her look at her, "when you have sex with me, it's because you love me, and in the end, we're just postponing the inevitable and it will just hurt more."
Arizona looked past Callie but said nothing.
"You wanted a chance to say goodbye, it's right in front of you," Callie said and leaned in for a last kiss. One that they both knew was the last, this time. But Arizona turned her head away. She didn't want to do this. She was being walked out on. Again.
"I'm sorry," Callie said quietly, and got into the shower, hoping Arizona will be gone by the time she came out. She was.
Arizona resented her for that for so long, but months later, long months during which Callie hardly interacted with her, she finally understood. Or more accurately, she always understood, but she finally felt.
Sitting in front of the love of her life now, remembering those painful moments, she was contemplating just ignoring everything, keep on pretending nothing happened, and live in her bubble of no romance, but of parenthood and professional satisfaction.
Then she remembered that's exactly what the old Arizona would do. That's exactly what the old them would do.
They promised to be honest, and right now, Arizona wasn't exactly lying, but she was in that in between zone where she wasn't saying the truth either. She knew better.
She wanted to talk to Callie. She needed to talk to Callie, and she knew Callie wanted to talk to her, too. But how would they even deal with… them, considering everything that was already happening? Won't it hurt the chances of what they were in the middle of creating?
They were creating a family. Yes, they weren't together, but they were already parenting together and they were going to parent together some more. That's family right there.
If Callie and her try to rebuild themselves romantically, and they failed, would she find herself being a single mother to a second child? Because she wasn't sure she was going to be able to do that, and legally Callie wasn't bind to them in any way.
She sat there in the dark, letting all of her thoughts drive her away from everything, from the woman sleeping in front of her. But a strong, undeniable sense of longing, of belonging, kept her exactly where she was supposed to be.
"Good morning," Arizona said as she walked into the kitchen.
"Morning," Callie said. She was sitting by the table, eating cereals.
"Sofia?" Arizona asked, trying to keep some physical distance between her and Callie.
"Dropped her off at school. I don't have to go in until later today," Callie explained.
"Good, that's good," Arizona said. It's been a week since they've kissed. Some mornings were completely normal, some, like this one, were on the verge of awkward.
"So, how did you sleep?" Callie asked nonchalantly.
"Tam Tam knocked me right out. Pregnancy could be a solution that people with sleeping disorders might wanna consider."
"Except for the peeing during the night," Callie noted.
"Except for the peeing during the night," Arizona agreed. "How did you sleep last night?" Arizona asked in concern. She really thought Callie should start sleeping in a bed again.
"Yeah, I slept great. Until I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep again," Callie said casually.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Calliope. Maybe you should… you know, sleep in a bed?" Arizona suggested.
"Or maybe…" Callie said, put her spoon down and looked directly at Arizona, "I should forbid certain people from watching me in my sleep. It's very distracting."
Arizona looked at her in guilt.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up," was all she could say.
"Arizona Robbins, you deprived me of my sleep last night, and I didn't even get lucky. What do you have to say for yourself?" Callie asked.
"Hmmm… busted?" Arizona tried.
"Not good enough."
"Isn't it too early for this kind of talk, Callie?" Arizona suggested.
Arizona sighed. She was hoping to postpone this moment a while longer, but she couldn't, and in all fairness, Callie deserved better than this. If it was up to the other woman, they would've talked about this the night it happened.
"I really thought we were done," Arizona finally admitted quietly and sat next to Callie.
"Me too," Callie said softly and took Arizona's hand.
"We're not done, are we?" Arizona asked.
"I don't think so, no."
Arizona starts laughing hysterically.
"Why are you laughing, Arizona?"
"I cried myself to sleep for months and took two years to pull myself from this dark hole I was in, but, apparently, I still love you. Shit," Arizona said, half shocked that she blew all caution to the wind and actually uttered the words, half liberated that she finally let go.
"Oh, yes, what every girl longs to hear. 'I still love you. Shit," Callie said sarcastically.
"Well, what do you want me to say, Calliope? You can't expect me to be happy about this!" Arizona said angrily.
"Why shouldn't you be happy about this, Arizona? It's not like it's unrequited!" Callie shot back.
"What are you saying?" Arizona asked carefully.
"I'm saying that shit, I love you too, you idiot," Callie said so sincerely that it took Arizona's breath away.
"But you called us… you said we were roommates with benefits!"
"I was mocking you!"
"It's not funny, Callie."
"What about Maureen?" Arizona asked quietly, averting her gaze from Callie's.
"We were just having fun. We never even talked about exclusivity. I ended it the day after you kissed me," Callie said, causing Arizona to look at her again.
"Really?" Arizona asked, seeming completely vulnerable.
"Arizona, I just told you that I love you. Of course I ended it."
"How did she take it?" Arizona asked cautiously. She felt like the other woman in this scenario.
"How did she take me withholding sex from her for months, and then, just when I let her believe it's about to happen I break up with her because I'm still in love with my ex-wife?" Callie asked ironically, "yeah, not good."
"Jesus, Callie, all this time and you two haven't…?"
"No. I barley had the time to see her as it is. In retrospect, I guess my heart wasn't really in it. Clearly," Callie said and chuckled at her own joke.
"Why didn't you tell me when you broke up?" Arizona asked, hurt. They were supposed to be best friends. They were supposed to be able to talk about anything.
"Because I didn't want you to do the guilt thing and I knew you would. You're doing it right now. I can see it on your face. The last thing you should feel is guilt," Callie said firmly. "Also…I didn't want to put any pressure on you. Even if you and I weren't going to pursue this, I'm still in love with you. I can't keep leading the poor woman on, intentionally, or not."
"Okay," Arizona said and gotten quiet for a moment. "Are we going to pursue this?" she asked.
"You bet your gorgeous ass we are," Callie said without missing a beat, giving Arizona a hungry look.
"My ass is pregnant, and I think I've seen a stretch mark," Arizona said, feeling extremely self-conscious under Callie's scrutinizing look.
"And yet, somehow you still manage to be the most beautiful woman I've ever met," Callie said and stood up. "So, yes, we're pursuing this. And we will pursue this some more, later tonight, because now I have to go to work," Callie said, put her bowl in the sink, and left the room before Arizona could object. Not that she was going to.
"Hi," Callie said later that night, as she walked into the living room where Arizona was sitting on the couch. Callie looked around to make sure there was no Sofia around, and leaned down to peck Arizona's lips.
"Hmm, hi," Arizona hummed in content.
"What are we doing exactly?" Callie asked and flopped next to Arizona.
"Well, I was trying to watch some TV, and you just got here, so…"
"No, I mean, what are we doing?" Callie clarified.
"Wow, you're all about the going straight into the big questions lately, aren't you?" Arizona asked and gave Callie half a smile.
"I just had time to think today, and many things are confusing, but what I know for sure is that I don't want us to just fly blind. Not when we have Sofia and Tam Tam, not when… it's us. You know?" Callie hoped Arizona would understand where she was coming from rather than feel like Callie was pushing her.
"Well," Arizona said and leaned in to peck Callie's lips again, "for now, I'm perfectly fine with receiving a kiss every time you come back home, and I'm also okay with squeezing in a make out session when the kid isn't around."
"Which is nice, and tempting and already puts us in a better starting point than this morning, but, I mean…are we girlfriends?" Callie asked and Arizona couldn't help but laugh, seeing how hard it was for Callie to ask the question.
"I think that the girlfriend part usually comes before the 'I love yous,' Calliope," Arizona teased.
"We already established that we're unorthodox," Callie said and leaned her head on Arizona's shoulder.
"Which is very inconvenient because there are no guide books," Arizona noted.
"How to figure shit out with my ex-wife who I'm still in love with, and having a baby with even though we're still divorced and also we already have a kid?" Callie asked
"For dummies,' Arizona added and they both giggled and then sat in comfortable silence for a few moments.
"How was your day, Calliope?" Arizona asked in genuine interest.
"God, I love when you call me that," Callie said in a half a whisper. "I love you," she said and brought her head up to look into Arizona's eyes before leaning in and giving her a bit more than a peck. They were lost in one another for a few moments, not daring to cross a certain line. Not before they discuss a few more things.
"Don't you think we should go and talk to someone about… this?" Callie asked as they broke the kiss.
"Why?" Arizona asked in concern and Callie laid her head down on Arizona's lap, making sure she wasn't hurting her.
"Because you kiss me and I feel like everything is gonna be okay, great, even, and I want to know that this feeling isn't temporary, or deceiving," Callie admitted as she looked up at Arizona.
"Do you really think this is deceiving?" Arizona asked and smiled softly.
"Last time we went to therapy you broke up with me, so… I'm not too crazy about the idea," Arizona explained.
"Arizona, I want this to work. I want us to work. I don't want us to make the same mistakes. I don't want this to be about nostalgia," Callie said sincerely.
"Nostalgia isn't all that bad," Arizona said and played with Callie's hair.
"Not all bad, no," Callie agreed.
"But I want more," Arizona concluded.
"I want more too."