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Black Lagoon: Off It's Nuts

By Dan Layman

Humor / Action


Well folks, I've finally done it. I, The Layman, have written a Black Lagoon fic. Partial thanks warranted to Amigodude and his absolutely fantastic stories of the same fandom, (Seriously, go check them out!), his absolutely spot on take on the universe is what inspired me to dip my toes in this fandom in the first place.

But I should probably say something about what you're about to read, shouldn't I? Well, it's primarily a humor fic, but I'll try to keep everyone in character as much as I can. Also, what you think the story might be about by going off the title, you're wrong. Unless you've got a warped mind like mine, you're wrong.

Warnings: It's Black Lagoon; you know what the heck you're getting yourselves into here.


"Rock," Revy said out of the blue one day. They were at the Yellow Flag, as was their usual weekend evening ritual, Revy pounding back shots and Rock nursing a drink he had yet to top off, "what the fuck are you still doing here?"

Rock sighed, knowing where this was going; it didn't happen all the time, but occasionally when Revy stated to reach her minimum tolerance level she'd ramble, and one of her favorite topics was Rock's desire to remain in Roanapur.

"I mean," she continued, "look at me; I was born and bred in this shit. I've been shot at more times than you've probably had sex in your whole pathetic life! I'm what the good Christian mothers tell their kids to look under the bed for at night! But you..." She'd turned and gave him a once over, her cheeks just starting to flush from all the alcohol.

"But me...what?" the Japanese man asked with trepidation.

"You're a fucking cubicle monkey!" the gunslinger gently reminded him.

"Really, am I?" Rock asked sarcastically, just oh so glad Revy had so much respect for him. Plus he hadn't had enough booze yet to not let that get under his skin.

"Didn't you used to do anything fun before you hooked up with us?"

"You were holding me for ransom!" he reminded her, thinking back to their fateful first meeting. ...Needless to say, he remembered things a bit differently than she did, "And for your information, I did do fun things before I feel in with you lot! I could bring the fun right now if I wanted!"

"Dutch ain't gonna like that," she said offhandedly, only half listening to her white-collar comrade.

"Seriously, I was the embodiment of fun back in Japan! ... you know, when I wasn't bending over backwards for my bosses."

"You know what you need?" Revy asked, not caring about Rock's sob story, "A good fucking tattoo." She then downed another shot of whisky. "Ahhh, good stuff! But seriously, a little ink'll toughen you right the fuck up."

For a moment Rock just stared at the possibly(?) psycho woman sitting next to him, a flabbergasted look plastered on his face.

"Are you even listening to-"

"I know this guy a few streets over," Revy said, not listening to the former salaryman, "he'll hook you up with some quality ink."

"And what if I don't want a tattoo, huh?" he retorted, hopping it would get Revy's attention. Really, it was bad enough when she tried to buy him clothes (he still shuddered at the thought of the horrendous Hawaiian shirt she bought him months ago), but this was just going far beyond the pale.

"Nothing good booze can't fix," she said, waving the bartender over. "Hey Bao, bring us more fucking Bacardi! ...And leave the bottle!"


"... And what the fvuck was up with the ending of Evangellion?" Rock slurred, now well and thoroughly plastered. "I mean... what the fuck did any of that shit even mean? And don't even get me shtarted on Japan only winning three good medals in the last 1992 summer Olympics! What kind of shit is that!"

"Jesus, I knew this guy had problems, but..." Revy just started at the inebriated salaryman, amazed at the vitriol he was putting out. About when Rock started complaining about comb overs she had stopped her own drinking and was now sober enough to be respectfully impressed by the many tangents he'd gone off on. Without looking away, she asked "You didn't spike any of this booze, did you Bao?"

"The hell do you take me for, you psycho bitch!" Bao screamed, "You think I want people like you, namely everyone in this damn city, doing me in 'cause of spiked booze? I run a clean business, dammit!"

"Yeah, I know the spiel; 'don't shoot up my bar' blah blah fuck, I don't care. Just help me get this poor sap out the door."


"Well, here we are!" she announced as they stumbled upon the tattoo parlor. True to her word it had not been far from the Yellow Flag, though the fact that it was nestled between two tall buildings made it a bit hard to spot. It's neon sign that was in an abysmal state of disrepair didn't really help matters. "Congratulations Mr. Okajima, tonight you're finally going to become a man!"

Rock just groaned, his head taking one or two knocks on the way our of the bar. (On top of the inebriation.)

"Oh don't worry," Revy said, as though Rock her actually given a coherent response, "with how plastered you are right now to won't even feel a thing." She held onto the former procurement associate with one hand and proceeded to bang on the rickety door with the other. "Hey Fucknuts, open up! I gots a costumer here for ya!"

The 'fucknuts' in question opened the door a minute later, looking annoyed and tired.

"It's four in the goddamn morning Two-hands, what's so important that you had to interrupt my beauty sleep?"

"I want to hook my man here up with some ink, care to oblige?"

The man regarded Rock, who hiccupped.

"Come on in," he said, holding the door open for the two Lagoon Company members.

"So Rock-baby," she asked as they waited for the artist to set up, "what design are you gonna get?"

Rock just hiccupped again and let his head drop onto his chest.

"Ah fuck it, I'll just surprise you! You ready over there yet, fucknuts?"


"Out late?" Dutch asked as Revy shambled into the common room at Lagoon headquarters. He was reclining on one of the couches sipping a can of Heireken beer, Benny at his computer like usual.

"Jane can't talk right now, Jane need beer first," she mumbled as she grabbed a beer from the small fridge. She popped the lid and took a big swig. "Next time that fucking alarm goes off before the time I set I'm gonna see if 'time flies' is really just an expression."

"Just make sure you open the window first," Dutch said. "Last time you threw something out a window you forgot that crucial step."

"Wasn't it someone she threw?" Benny asked offhandedly.

"Regardless, I'm not paying for new windows again." He grabbed a paper from the coffee table and flipped it open, "So what'd you and Rock do last night that lasted so long?"

"Dafuq you care?" Revy scoffed, flopping down on the opposite couch. "For what it's worth, I decided to do something nice for Rock and got him a tattoo."

Said "Rock" chose that moment to shuffle into the room, already dressed in his usual shirt and tie. His sudden arrival cut off any opportunity for a reaction to Revy's statement from the rest of the crew.

"Ugh, what I wouldn't give for some eki-kyabe right now...," Rock groaned. When he didn't hear anyone respond to his statement, (particularly Revy telling him to not be a pussy), he looked up and saw two stunned faces and one manic grin staring back at him. "What, do I have something on face?"

Revy burst out laughing, nearly falling off the couch once or twice.

"Did you... look in a mirror yet?" Dutch asked delicately, unsure of exactly how to approach the subject.

"No," Rock said simply, "should I? And why does my face feel sore?"

Revy continued her uncontrollable laughter, her arms and legs kicking and punching the cushions wildly.

"I think it might be a good idea if you did," Dutch said, managing to keep his own mirth under control. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go answer the phone."

"But I don't hear the..." was all Rock managed as Ditch hurriedly left the room. A moment later the large black man's hearty guffaws could be heard. Benny, for his part, had the good graces to be too stunned to laugh.

Having both his curiosity and dread piqued, Rock headed for the bathroom to see what everyone was so worked up about. Revy, who had since gotten her fit of the giggles tamed, was now grinning, eagerly awaiting the reaction she knew was coming.

"Did you really?..." Benny barely managed.

"Yeah," she said in answer to the techhead's unfinished question. "Rock's been kinda quiet in there, you think he's-"

"WHAT THE HELL, REVY!" sounded through the building (and even out into the street), causing certain unsecured item to vibrate. A few seconds later Rock came storming back, making a beeline towards the demon responsible for his recent facial modification.

"... there it is."

"Why is my face covered in tattoos?" he demanded. "I distinctly remember having nothing on my face last night."

"Amazing what a little booze can do for your perception," she remarked casually. "Besides, you were perfectly on board with the idea."

"I was?" he asked, disbelieving.

"Well, you were too busy bitching about the Olympics and Evangelists or some shit to say no, so that obviously must have meant yes."

Evangelists...? Rock mouthed before getting back on track, "Whatever, the point is that I was violated last night!" He pointed emphatically at his now colored in visage, "And don't tell me I was the one who chose all this crap too?"

"Nope," Revy said, popping the P, "you were too wasted by that point; I picked it all out for you."

Rock's eyebrow twitched.

"It's all swastikas," he intoned, well beyond the teeth grinding stage.

"Not entirely," Benny chimed in, finally able to do words again, "there's a little bear holding a small over its head next to your ear."

"Because that just make everything better," Rock sighed, defeated.

"That's the spirit, Rock-baby!" Revy congratulated, giving her comrade a hearty pat on the back.

"I can never go outside again," he moaned, flopping face first onto the couch formerly occupied by Dutch.

"You're gonna have to put that on hold for the moment," Dutch said, coming back into the room. He was wiping a tear from the corner of his eye, "The Rip-Off Church just called, said our order was ready for pickup."

"No shit?" Revy was surprised; from what little she absorbed while having her 'episode' she was pretty sore Dutch was just bullshitting before.

"Called a minute or so after I calmed down." He turned to Rock, "Sister Yolanda asked for Rock specifically to pick it up, said something about getting a new tea blend or something."

to be continued...


So, what y'all think? As a huge Black Lagoon fan myself, and having seen an example of Black Lagoon fanfiction at its greatest first know what? I just hope you guys like this; whether it's 100% super accurate can come with the next fic.

And make no mistake, there's more to come in the little excursion. I ought to have at least two more chapters done by the time NaNoWriMo rolls around.

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