The Best Birthday Present.

Summary

Wade gets Spidey as a birthday present!! Why is Spidey so upset? Wade's POV of Happy Birthday!

Genre:
Adventure / Humor
Author:
Superhero-Stories
Status:
Ongoing
Chapters:
2
Rating:
n/a
Age Rating:
18+

Nope. Mine Now.

Wade Wilson POV

“Happy birthday, Wade.” Shikilah smiles at Wade as he enters the room. She sits beside an obnoxiously large present.

Wait. Was it Wade’s birthday?

Oh. It was.

“Aw, you shouldn’t have!” Wade grins, sheathing his still-bloody sword.

“So, how was surface world?” Shiklah asks.

“I’ll admit to being in a little bit of a bad mood... Spidey is missing. He’s my favorite hero.” Wade admits. Its not like Spidey to just vanish.

“Humans are unpredictable.” Shiklah points out.

“Yeah... can I open it?” Wade asks. Its his birthday, after all... he should focus on his wife, who is trying to make him happy.

Shiklah just smiles, and gestures to the present in a clear invitation.

Wade grins, and begins tearing open the present.

“Huh. Spider-Man wrapping paper...” Wade chuckles. Shiklah knows what he likes.

Wade opens the present, and is immediately hit in the face.

“Ow!” He yelps, jumping back.

After a moment, Wade leans forward, peeking into the box. A familiar masked face glares at him.

"Deadpool?” Spider-Man demands, incredulous.

Wade can’t help the grin that finds his face. Spider-Man is okay! “Spidey! Here, lemme help you out of here!”

The hero warily takes Wade’s extended hand, and Wade pulls the man to his feet.

Spidey whips his head around, studying the room. He looks nervous.

“Do you like your present?” Shiklah smirks.

Spider-Man is Wade’s birthday present. Wow. That’s amazing! Heh, amazing. Spider-Man. The Amazing Spider-Man.

Wade quickly nods. “I- yeah, I do. Just- did you kidnap him?”

“Yes. No one will be able to get him down here- he’s yours.” Shiklah smiles, flashing her fangs.

Spider-Man glances over at Wade. He looks fidgety. “Um. I- I don’t belong to anyone. People aren’t supposed to own each other.”

“You do now.” Shiklah smirks.

Spidey looks at Wade with a pleading expression.

“I- Shiklah, are you sure?” Wade asks. Does he really get to have Spidey?

“Yes. Go play with your new toy.” Shiklah agrees.

The way she phrased that is giving Wade ideas he really shouldn’t be thinking about...

At least, not if he want to keep his dick.

Spider-Man narrows his eyes. “I’m not a-”

“Yes!” Wade interrupts, cheering. He grabs Spidey by the arm, and drags him out of the room.

“W- wait a minute!” Spider-Man demands.

Wade ignores him. Best birthday present ever!


“Deadpool, wait a minute! Stop!” Spidey demands, trying to pry the Wade’s hands off him.

“Nope! Mine now.” Wade doesn’t slow down. He’s too excited!

“I- I am a human being! I don’t belong to anyone!” Spidey shoots back. He sounds like he’s on the verge of tears.

“You are currently in another country ruled by Queen Shiklah. You’re in her territory. No one else can come in here without her permission. And if they do, they’ll probably be eaten by monsters. Parker’ll be fine- he can get another bodyguard.” Wade argues. He can understand Spidey’s hesitation, but the hero will have to accept the facts eventually. Better to just be blunt about it.

“I- ’Pool, you can’t just- people aren’t supposed to belong to other people! There was a war on this topic!” Spidey argues, once again attempting to wrench his wrist from Wade’s grasp

Wade holds firm, opening a door and pulling Spidey into his room. “I know,” he sighs.

“Then let me go!”

Wade closes the door behind them.“I can’t.”

“Why not?” Spider-Man demands.

“One: its rude to refuse a gift. Or to get rid of it. Shakilah wouldn’t react well to that and may track you down and kill you.” Wade begins. And it’s true. She would also probably sulk. Which would mean people may die.

“Two: if I just ‘let you go’, you’ll be killed by monsters before you even get halfway there.” Wade continues. Well, he could just walk Spidey to the surface, but... he doesn’t really want to.

Maybe he should just tell the truth.

“Three: I... um... look, I never get presents. Ever. Not even on Christmas. And... well, I talk about you a lot. She... she payed attention to that, and tried to get me something she knew I’d like. And-”

“And so that’s a good reason to keep me here?” Spider-Man interjects, staring at Wade is disbelief.

“I- Spidey, please try to understand-” Wade begs.

“Try to understand? Try to understand?! You’re holding me hostage because you’re lonely. That’s not fair! I have people I care about! People I need to protect! You can’t just-”

“Just what? Just be treated like I’m actually a person? Look, rules don’t work the same here. But I finally have somebody who cares about me. And that person tried to make me happy. So I’m not going to throw that back in her face.” Wade snarls.

He’s not lonely. He just... only has one person who cares about him.

Damn it.

“... but I want to go home.” Spidey pouts.

Maybe its not pouting, but he looks like he’s pouting. And its kinda adorable.

“I’m sorry.” Wade lies. He’s not really.

“Not sorry enough, apparently.” Spider-Man grumbles.

Which is true.

“Spidey, I-”

“I have people I care about! People who are going to worry! People who don’t know I’m Spider-Man! I can’t just vanish off of the face of the earth!” Spidey interjects. He sounds desperate.

“You won’t.” Wade promises, swallowing back his guilt.

“Yeah, I will.”

“This isn’t for ransom or something. Don’t you have a phone? The service sucks down here, but you’re smart enough to jury-rig something, right? You can facetime or skype people. Tell ’em you’re on a business trip with Parker, or protecting one of his assets.” Wade suggests.

“I said they don’t know I’m Spider-Man!” Spider-Man yells.

Sometimes Wade forgets Spidey has a secret identity.

“Then come up with your own excuse.” Wade groans.

Peter takes a deep breath. “I... Wade, please. I want to go home. I need to go home!” He begs.

“I’m sorry, Baby-boy. I know this isn’t ideal. But you’ll get used to it eventually.” Wade promises.

And he will... won’t he?

“... how long do you plan to keep me here?” Spidey asks. He sounds... broken.

“I’m not sure.” Wade admits.

Fuck. Now he feels guilty.

Wade hates feeling guilty.

There’s an uncomfortable silence. Spider-Man walks to the other side of the room, as far away from Wade as he can get. He sits down, pulling his legs to his chest.

Wade sighs. He sits down on his bed.

“I’m not a toy.” Spidey growls. “If you try and touch me without my permission I will cut your dick off.”

Wade quickly nods. “Well, yeah. I’m not gonna do that. Rape is bad. I mean, the idea did cross my mind, but I wouldn’t do it! Scouts honour!”

Shit. He didn’t mean to say that much out loud.

“You mentioned monsters... I don’t suppose you have human food here? My sandwich was drugged.”

“Yes, actually! I can go get you some! Or, well, send someone to go get you some because I’m not dumb enough to leave you on your own right now.” Wade corrects himself.

“... is there anyway I can convince you to let me go?” Spidey asks.

“No.” Wade shakes his head.

“I am not above bribing you.” Spidey tries.

So much for being shining beacon of ethics.

“Still no.”

“The Avengers will come looking for me eventually.” Spidey threatens.

“Coming down here without Shakilah’s permission is illegal.” Wade reminds smugly.

“Ugh...” Spidey groans, slamming his head backwards into the wall.

Shit. Is he okay?

“Anything else you want to threaten me with?” Wade asks, forcing an amused tone.

He doesn’t want Spidey to realize that if he pouts and tilts his head just right that Wade will do anything he asks.

He’s wrapped around Spidey’s little finger.

Hopefully the wall-crawler never figures that out.

“I’ll just annoy you into letting me go.” Spidey decides.

“I’m the champion of annoying people. I can take whatever you have to give.” Wade shoots back.

Spidey puts his head in his hands, mumbling something too quiet for Wade to hear.

But the merc lets it go. He can mess with Spidey once he’s settled in more.

{1452 words!}

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