Haruhi's Best Friend

Episode 5 Part 1

Tomuru's Narrative

"Let's all play the which one is Hikaru Game!" the twins chorused to their guests, wearing identical green flat caps.

"Don't you think that name is kinda wordy?" I stated replacing an empty teapot with a refilled pot.

"What you think you can think of a better name?" Hikaru scoffed.

"Challenge accepted!" I declared.

"Sooo can you tell which one is Hikaru and which one is Kaoru?" the twins asked their guests.

"It's hard to say, you're identical," One guest spoke up.

"Many ladies have tried to tell us apart but so far none have succeeded."

"That's the dumbest game I ever heard of," Haruhi muttered as she walked passed.

"What about Twinki Donk?" I interjected.

"Oh yeah second dumbest game then," Haruhi corrected.

"What you have a problem with it Haruhi?" the twins protested.

"Not really I just don't see why you two are so popular," Haruhi responded.

"Aww don't be so mean," I scorned lightly.

"I'm disappointed," Tweedledum commented.

"Apparently you don't understand the merits of having a pair of twins at the Host Club," Tweedledee remarked.

"Listen up having a pair of good looking guys with homosexual tendencies earns the club high points. It also helps when the two struggle with their attraction and their friendship," Hikaru began explaining.

"In our case since we're twins our relationship is taboo and therefor more intriguing," Kaoru added.

"Twincest!" I coughed.

Do they really need to do those ridiculously promiscuous poses whilst they explain their worth?

"And besides who hasn't fantasied about twins having two loves is better than one don't you think?" Hikaru flirted standing beside one of his seated guests.

"It's a young women's romantic fantasy," Kaoru flirted to the guest on the other side.

"Um yeah you're right… I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT!" the guest answered, as she and two other guests go into squealy, heart eyes mode (which I'm gonna call 'Moe Mode' from now on).

The twins were looking smugly towards Haruhi.

"Certainly not my fantasy," I muttered.

"By the way what's Twinki Donk?" Kaoru inquired.

"Well…"

"Don't ask," Haruhi interrupted.

"Rude Dearest," I accused, before going over to Honey's table.

"You seem to be very chatty about something Rossi," I noted.

"Yeah I…"

"HIKARU, KAORU! WHEN I GAVE YOU CONTROL OF THE CLUB'S WEBSITE I DID SO ON ONE CONDITION THAT YOU TAKE IT SERIOUSLY!" Tamaki shouted, interrupting Rossi.

"We take our job very seriously Boss," Hikaru stated, unruffled by Tamaki's outburst.

"In fact last night we worked on it till dawn," Kaoru added.

"IS THIS WHAT YOU WORKED SO HARD TO CREATE?" Tamaki shouted revealing a laptop from thin air.

"Ok I've gotta see this," I commented, heading to see what the Tweeds have done this time.

I froze when I saw that there was a picture of Haruhi half-naked with her back to the screen.

"You look great Haru-Chan," Honey commented.

"You've got some s'plaining to do you perverted Tweeds," I seethed staring daggers at the twins, whilst some of the guests gathered round the laptop eagerly.

Haruhi herself was grey with shock at the time, smoke coming from her mouth.

"Tell me when!" Tamaki demanded.

"Huh?"

"WHEN DID YOU TAKE NAKED PICTURES OF HARUHI?" Tamaki shouted.

"THEY DID WHAT?" Rossi exclaimed, rushing over to where I stood.

"You bribed her didn't you?" Tamaki whimpered.

"You're imagining things it's obvious the photo's been altered." Kaoru stated.

"It was photoshoped?" Tamaki muttered.

"Oooh well that's alright then," Rossi shrugged.

"We've got some major Photoshoping talent," Hikaru stated.

"Still doesn't excuse you from creating creepy pictures of my best friend," I seethed.

"Don't worry Doggie we didn't leave you out," Hikaru responded ruffling my hair.

"Beg ya pardon?"

Then they retrieved the laptop and showed me the Photoshoped picture they created of me. It was basically my head on a St Bernard body.

"If you made a gross picture of my… HAHAHAHAHAHA," Rossi burst into laughter at the sight of my new look, I shortly joined him.

"Alright your forgiven. Can I get a copy of that?" I laughed.

"Sure." The twins agreed.

"YOU IDIOTS THAT IS A WASTE OF YOUR SKILLS HAVE YOU NO SHAME?" Tamaki exclaimed before sheepishly adding, "But if you're going to do it anyway can you Photoshop Haruhi into this Idol Photobook?"

"Don't be ridiculous Boss," Hikaru sighed.

"Why don't you just ask her to wear one of those fancy dressy things instead of being a creep?" I suggested.

"I never thought to ask her," Tamaki muttered, before walking up to Haruhi.

"What do you think of this my dear?" Tamaki inquired to Haruhi in his Princely style, holding up a dress that he somehow plucked from mid-air. Kyoya must have taught Tamaki some of his shadow magic ways.

"Not now you idiot the guests are definitely going to realize by now!" I derided quietly face palming.

"What are you doing with that dress?" Honey asked.

My thoughts exactly.

"He looks so handsome," One of Haruhi's guests sighed, her and three other guests retrieved the laptop and continued gawking at Haruhi's picture.

"Yeah but I'd have to agree with Tamaki I'd love to see what Haruhi looked like if he dressed as a girl," Another piped in.

"Oh he's so cute I'm sure he'll look great no matter what you put him in," the third guest flattered.

Haruhi snapped out of her frozen state and glared at Tamaki, which made him cry and back away from her.

Are the girls at this school really THAT oblivious? I mean I would definitely know something's hidden from me. Uh!

"Now cut it out! No more making weird pictures of me you got that? Just what do you guys take me for anyway?" Haruhi stated firmly.

"Isn't that obvious? You're our toy," The twins answered mischievously.

"Dearest look," I handed her the picture the twin's printed out for me.

"Hahahaha you're looking furtastic Sugar." Haruhi laughed.

"Was that a pun?" I demanded.

"Yep!"

"As we were saying in order to entertain one's self in this otherwise boring life…"

"One must find himself stimulating toys."

"I am not your toy okay!" Haruhi snapped at the twins.

"You want a toy?" a mysterious voice spoke out, which came from a random dark door.

"Toys…toys, if you like toys then you should come and visit my black magic club. We've opened a market place that boasts black magic items from across the globe. We're also holding mass around the clock. If you come and visit now I'll even throw in a free curse doll, you could have Belsanaff as your free gift," The voice persuaded, which came from a cloaked figure peeking out the door with a cream cat puppet on his hand.

"The cat puppet kinda offsets the creepy vibe the dude's trying to pull off," I commented.

"This is Belsanaff the cursed puppet and is not to be taken lightly," The cloaked dude insisted.

"Riiight."

"Why is he talking to us through a crack in the door?" Haruhi wondered.

"Hang on has that door always been there?" the twins asked.

"Nekosowa Senpai likes to hide he doesn't really care for brightly lit places," Kyoya explained.

"Don't get involved with that guy Haruhi, Tomuru. If you do you will end up being cursed," Tamaki warned whispering behind us.

"Do you have any basis for that?" Haruhi asked nervously.

"Yes it happened during the final exams at the end of the last school year. It's terrifying just to talk about it," Tamaki shuddered before continuing to tell his story, "On that faithful day I accidentally stepped on that weirdo Nekosawa's cursed doll Belsanaff. Afterward I took my exam but the entire test was written in some strange lettering. I looked to the others around me for help and realised I knew none of them. I WAS ALL ALONE IN A DIFFERENT DIMENSION!"

"Scary!" Honey whimpered.

"Did that really happen to you?" Haruhi asked uneasily.

"That only happened because you were so scared you accidentally walked into the beginning Greek class and took their exam," Kyoya informed.

"NO IT WAS A CURSE! I KNOW BECAUSE THREE DAYS LATER I WOKE UP AND MY LEGS WERE AS HEAVY AS LEAD JUST HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT?" Tamaki argued.

"Your legs were heavy because you ran a marathon the day before remember?" Kyoya explained that rather well.

"You shouldn't underestimate the dark power of Belsanaff the curse doll. All you have to do is write the name of someone you hate on his back. Then that person is certain to come face to face with…misfortune," Nekosowa interjected.

"Really? Does it work on ducks?" I asked eagerly.

"Why would you want to use it on a duck?" Nekosowa inquired in confusion.

"Cus I have a certain duck and his gang might need a bit of misfortune for once," I answered.

Before Nekosowa could answer my request the twins shone a torch in his face.

"YOU MURDERERS!" Nekosowa shrieked zig zagging towards his black door.

"Aww man!" I sighed.

"How on earth could you do such a thing obviously you two don't know the terror in black magic," Tamaki exclaimed.

"Uh I am so bored," Hikaru sighed; both twins were now sitting looking out of the window.

"Isn't there anything fun we can do?" Kaoru sighed

"My dignity as the club's leader is being ignored," Tamaki whined dramatically, going into his dark aura facing the wall.

"Hey Haruhi, Doggie we've got a favour to ask you?" the twins called over to us.

"Yeah Tweeds?" I answered.

"What is it?" Haruhi asked.

"The next time we get a day off-" Hikaru began.

"-Can we come over to either your place or Tomo's?" Kaoru requested.

"Why would you want to do that?" Haruhi asked skeptically.

"We're curious we want to see where you live," The twins answered.

"No way," Haruhi denied firmly.

"Aww pretty please," The twins pleaded.

"No way. You guys are just gonna make fun of me."

"No matter how much we beg you?" The Tweeds persisted.

"No way."

"I to think it's time we pay our respects to our beloved Haruhi's family," Tamaki interjected dramatically.

"No way in hell Senpai," Haruhi responded bluntly, making Tamaki return to his dark aura.

"You haven't answered yet Doggie," Kaoru turned his attention to me.

"I feel like my Dearest wants me to say no?" I answered unsurely, seeing Haruhi shake her head at me.

"Yeah I don't want them fondling one another anywhere near my home," Rossi interjected.

"Good point I don't want to sterilise everywhere you perform your 'brotherly love act'," I agreed.

"We can settle this with a game. If you can't pick out which one of us is Hikaru the penalty will be the two of us coming to your house later tonight. Then tomorrow we'll go to Doggie's place," The twins suggested, putting on their green flat caps again.

"Ok so which one of us is Hikaru?" the twins asked after they changed sides.

"Tweedledum is on my right, Tweedledee is on my left," I pointed to each twin.

"I agree, this one's Kaoru, this one's Hikaru," Haruhi agreed.

"Uh oh you both got it wrong!" the twins sang cheerfully.

"No I know I'm right. You two may look alike but you're very different," Haruhi differed, which shocked the twins.

"How did you do that Haruhi? When they wear those hats to cover up which way they part their hair it's practically impossible to tell which one is Hikaru and which one is Kaoru." A guest with short hair asked.

"How can you tell them apart?" Another guest with a purple ribbon inquired.

"Hmm well how can I put it? It's kinda difficult to explain. But Hikaru's speech and actions make him come across a little more mischievous than Kaoru," Haruhi explained.

"I'm sorry Hikaru I don't mean to laugh," Kaoru broke into laughter.

"Well I don't see what's so funny? I'm honest, I speak my mind and I don't hold back. It's sneaky people like Kauru who are the troublemakers," Hikaru accused.

"Don't turn this on me Hikaru. After all I'm always going along with all of your selfish games," Kaoru stated solemnly.

"I may suggest them but you're the one who really gets into them Kauru. If you hate them so much they why don't you just stop?" Hikaru argued.

"Because I'd hate to see you look like an ass in front of everyone. It was your idea to call Haruhi our toy. But I noticed you were quick to make a pass at her. Admit it Hikaru you're actually in love with Haruhi aren't you?" Kaoru retorted.

"Wait, first Tamaki and now Hikaru? You certainly are a rich boy magnet Dearest." I commented lightly.

"WHAT?" Tamaki exclaimed in a panic.

"You've got it all wrong Kaoru. Man you're such a freaking idiot!" Hikaru differed.

"Yeah there are some things in this world that must never be said!" Tamaki whinged.

"Why would I fall for her she looks like a Tanuki?" Hikaru continued.

"You do look a little like a raccoon dog Dearest." I realised.

"Thanks Sugar." Haruhi remarked sarcastically.

"Hey raccoon dogs are utterly adorable I dunno why you're taking offense." I stated matter of factly.

"How dare you call her a raccoon dog? YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THAT!" Tamaki exclaimed to the twins.

"Wait, what's that sound?" I wondered hearing electricity and something large rising up to the clubroom.

The sound came from a twirling, rigged platform, to which Renge stood on making a dramatic appearance.

"Oh no," I whispered in despair.

"Our beloved Haruhi is in the middle of a beautiful yet poignant four sided romantic relationship. And to make things even more exciting two of Haruhi's admirers are twins torn apart by love. Just the thought of it could make me eat three bowls of rice!" Renge recited as the platform rose.

I've heard of a love triangle but this is ridiculous. If you include Renge that makes it a love pentagon, which is certainly new to me.

"Oh butt out Otaku," The twins retorted.

"You guys are meanies you shouldn't say something like that to your manager!" Renge whined.

"But Renge I thought you had feelings for Haruhi as well?" Tamaki pointed out.

"Oh I do but I have no problem with Haruhi having a homosexual relationship on the side," Renge answered.

"What? Oh so when Haruhi has a relationship with a guy, as well as you, it's all hunky dory but when there's a 'female rival' you get all possessive? I don't even have romantic feelings for Haruhi!" I exclaimed to Renge.

"Silence Peasant!" Renge snapped.

"So unfair," I muttered darkly.

"I'm confused I thought you were going back home to France Renge?" Haruhi interjected.

"Well I was going to start up a Host Club of my own but I don't think France is ready for a Host Club just yet," Renge responded.

"Greeeat so prissy pink bow's here to stay," I murmured quietly to myself.

"Tomuru be nice," Kyoya stated, apparently hearing what I said under my breath.

"Why should I? Apparently she's my new nemesis," I reasoned.

"At least be the better person and act civil. Otherwise a certain debt may rise," Kyoya warned.

"Fine, manipulative, smug shadow lord."

"CUT IT OUT ALREADY! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S ALWAYS CRAWLING INTO MY BED TALK ABOUT ANNOYING!" Hikaru shouted.

"I ONLY DO THAT CUS YOU LOOK LONELY! I WOULDN'T CHOOSE TO SLEEP IN YOUR BED YOU IDIOT!" Kauru retorted.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING AN IDIOT YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SUCKS AT MATHS!"

"OH YEAH WELL YOUR FAILING YOUR FOUR LANGUAGE CLASS YOU BIG DUMMY!"

"UH THE WAY YOU GRIND YOUR TEETH IS DEAFENING!"

"AT LEAST I DON'T TOSS AND TURN SO MUCH THAT I FALL OUT OF BED!"

"SEX PIXIE!"

"SICKO!"

"YOUR MAMMA WEARS TOO MUCH MAKE UP! THAT'S IT WE'RE OVER!" The twins shouted simultaneously thus ending the shouting match.

"Whoa those two needed to vent huh?" I whispered to Haruhi.

"I guess they did," Haruhi whispered back.

The twins promptly stormed out afterwards.

"There's always something dramatic in this club," I concluded breaking the awkward silence the twins left in their absence.

Walking home from the Host Club…

"How did you tell the twins apart Tomo?" Rossi asked.

"Simple, they have different voices," I answered.

"What?" Haruhi asked.

"Oh come on, don't tell me you can't hear the difference Dearest?" I scoffed.

"No, they sound exactly the same to me."

"You're kidding right? They have completely different voices! Like you and I have different voices," I argued.

"Alright how do they sound different to you?" Haruhi asked patiently.

"I dunno they just do! I think Kaoru's might be a touch deeper than Hikaru's voice but it is definitely distinguishable."

"Guess you have better ears than you thought sis," Rossi shrugged.

"Maybe I am a dog?" I pondered.


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