Understand Me

Chapter 13

Dean’s life had lost all it’s color now. Cas left together with Balthazar just a day after the barbeque and Dean thought as if the world was ending. He hardly spoke, barely slept and felt like his head wasn’t screwed on right anymore.

Sam tried to call Cas after a week of radio silence when they found out that the sheep were all healthy except for the one that his father had planted on their farm. Cas had called once with the number of the store that Balthazar had bought and it was the only number they had of him right now.

John hadn’t shown any repentance about his behavior and Mary had had a huge argument with her husband about it. She had moved in with them for the time being, and slept in Dean’s old room.

He gave it to her because he just couldn’t be in there anymore. He slept in the shearer’s quarters now, in the room next to Bobby. He didn’t set foot in the cottage for the entire week and when Sam came down to where he trained the skittish quarter horse and told him that Cas still hadn’t called back to hear how the sheep were doing, Dean brandished a sledgehammer and single-handedly dismantled the cottage from top to bottom. The planks of wood crumbled easily while he took it down to studs and then he dismantled those too, one by one. Everyone came running once Dean had worked his way around the house and the roof came caving in.

“Dean, what the fuck?” Sam said, completely aghast.

“We could use the rubble, or just get it away, I don’t care. I just wanted it gone.” He let the hammer fall and stomped off to the shearer’s quarters, brooding for hours until he fell asleep, completely exhausted not even minding when he remembered that he hadn’t brought the horse back into it’s box.

In the morning, he stood by the remainder of the cottage, feeling energy and pain course through him. He spent the next few days over at Porter’s farm and continued searching for the object, finally having found something he could channel his restless energy into.

Cas didn’t reply to his emails and whenever he called, he only got Balthazar on the phone. He asked him to tell Cas to call him back every time, but he never heard back from him.

Whenever he wasn’t training or Sammy didn’t need him on the property, he was over at the other farm and searched it up and down. Maybe if he produced a result, Cas would be interested in it.

While he searched, the new sheep didn‘t show any signs of contagion and John Winchester got a severe penalty from the authorities. First of all for exposing his neighbors’ stock to a notifiable disease and second of all not having called a vet over when he noticed the first signs of the disease with his own stock. Sam was incredibly gleeful when people who hadn’t wanted his business before now called them about wanting to work with them. John Winchester had brought himself out of most of the surrounding people’s good books with his behavior.

Dean knew he ought to be happy about their victory over their father, but he couldn’t bring himself to even smile. Instead, he was over on Cas’ property, searching for the still not found object. He worked a grid over the entire farm but day and again he came back, not having found anything.

“Honey, shouldn’t you give it a rest now?” Mary asked when she came to him to bring him lunch. “It’s not as if…” her words trailed off and Dean didn’t wanna think about what she may have meant.

About two weeks after this, Dean found an old well, boarded up with corrugated sheet iron and something just told him that he had found what he had been looking for. He unscrewed the lid and made Sammy come out with him to lower him in to it.

He used a flashlight to search the bottom and found an old, heavily used, dirty doll down there.

“Yahtzee,” he grinned and put it into the bucket that Sam had lowered down.

“Pull it up,” he yelled, just when the ghost of the accidentally murdered girl came out of the darkness around him from outta nowhere.

“Shit! Sam burn it, quickly!” Dean yelled when the spirit of the girl reached inside his chest and he felt his heart in an ice cold clench as she whispered viciously at him.

“You let him go! I showed you that he was your sleeping prince and you just let him go! You may as well be dead now!”

Dean rasped out a strained breath, seeing that the dead girl ghost was totally right about his situation as she finally disappeared in a flame and he heard Sam’s voice 10 seconds later, shouting down the well.

“Dean?”

“Yeah,” he rasped quietly and pulled at the rope to show that he was still alive when he noticed that his voice didn’t carry all the way up there.

Sam pulled him up then and held on to hugged him close shaking and mumbling, but it was to be excused given that he had almost lost his brother just now on his first successful ghost hunt.

“Sammy?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you spare me for a couple a’ days?”

“Why?”

“I’m gonna go to town and tell Cas that we fixed his problem.”

“Yeah, great idea. And Dean? Don’t come back alone.”

Dean nodded as they went back to their own property.

“And don’t kill Balthazar.”

“Can’t make any promises, Sammy.”

Three days later, Dean was in Dallas, searching the local newspapers in the library. Not for obituaries of likely ghost candidates for once, but for recent openings of new stores. He didn’t need to go back far, it had only been one and a half months since Cas had moved back here, and he quickly found a picture on which Cas was with Balthazar. The blonde man wore his usual big grin, but Cas looked absolutely unhappy in it and that alone was enough to confirm to Dean that it was the worst decision he had ever made not to stop Cas from coming back here.

He found the address in the article and went into the café with the shop attached to it, prepared to wait for Cas for the next couple of years if he must.

The first one to show his face was Balthazar, and Dean fumed on the inside when he saw him, but he stayed polite.

“Hello,” he said and proceeded to tell him about he was just in town on business and thought he’d stop by and say hi.

“Cassie is not in today,” Balthazar said, but Dean could clearly see that he lied. He had smelled that Balthazar had been more than a little dishonest whenever they spoke on the phone and he recognized his lying tone again now. In person, he additionally shifted back and forth when he told him that Cas wouldn’t come back soon.

Apparently Balthazar had no back up plan in case the country bumpkin should actually invade the city and he squirmed around very much, trying to convince Dean that Cas wasn’t coming in today and he may as well go. Dean sat around and waited, somehow strangely happy when Balthazar told him about how things were going great with Cas now, but all he told him didn’t sound genuine at all.

“And well, I think Cassie and I are very close to finally getting over that asexual thing of his.”

“Hang on,” Dean held his hand up. “Cas is not asexual.”

“I’m pretty sure he is. He’s flinched away every time I tried to touch him.”

“Strange,” Dean mused, mock contemplative at Balthazar trying to assure him that he and Cas were in an asexual relationship, or any relationship for that matter. “He always seemed pretty sexual to me, y’know whenever we had sex.”

“What?” Balthazar spoke up astonished, but Dean was relieved of trying to unravel the possibility of Balthazar‘s surprise being genuine or not by the arrival of Cas coming in just now. He looked exactly like he had back on the farm, a little grim perhaps but his face parted into a wide smile when he caught sight of Dean who got up, finally smiling again too.

“Hello Dean,” he rasped as if something hurting was stuck in his throat. “What are you doing here?”

“What do you mean, what am I doing here?” Dean asked, a little confused. “I sent you an email that I was coming here.”

“I never got it,” Cas pondered, and ripped open his eyes.

“I wrote to you, Cas. Every night since you been gone. Don’t tell me you didn’t get those mails either?”

“I never-... I-”

“And I called. You never called me back.”

“I never got a call from you.”

“Yeah, that’s because I always caught Balthazar on the phone. And he said he’d tell you that I called.”

Cas stared at Balthazar with a burning gaze now. “He never told me anything. And I’m guessing he’s been deleting my emails too.”

“Listen, Cassie. I can explain. I didn’t want you to hear from the people back there. I set up an automatic delete for emails from other people too. Someone named Sam wrote almost as often as Dean and someone named Mary? Charlie?” The fact that Balthazar still had to guess people’s names after going on their nerves for an entire week was nothing but strange. But it showed that he had genuinely been only focused on Cas when he was over there. “I didn’t want you to be torn in two. Your life is here. And with me,” he said unsurely, almost questioningly.

Cas only looked at him, completely disbelieving and angry as if he couldn’t believe what he had just discovered.

“Yeah, and Cas? There is something else that Balthazar should tell you. About how my father paid him to leave all the gates open on our property to let the sheep wander all over the place.”

“Yes, but I never knew they were sick,” Balthazar said and then he looked shocked when Dean just smirked and made it evident that he had been bluffing just now. John had never told them anything but Balthazar had just confirmed Dean’s ever gnawing suspicion for everyone to hear.

“I have no patience to deal with you now,” Cas said, anger palpable in his every pore, which dissipated when he looked back at Dean. He took an instep and grabbed his hand.

“Let’s talk somewhere else,” he said and pulled Dean into another room, closing it after them with force.

“What did you want to talk to me about? Why did you come here?” he asked Dean urgently, wanting to hear everything he had to say, but Dean got nervous as Cas crept closer and even more so when he touched his chest as he stuttered out a torrent of words.

“I- I- um… We uh… harvested the corn and oh, well you knew that! I found the thing that was tying the ghost and Sam burned it. Just in time too. And uh… I got more contracts for horses to train and mom and dad have the biggest problems now becau- because of the sheep thing. She‘s moved in with us for now and I gave her my room because I couldn‘t be in it… uh… and I tore the cottage down. I couldn‘t look at it anymore. Not without you there and then I thought about the schmuck sleeping in there and I just completely destroyed it… and uh… oh, Dad’s old contacts aren’t blocking us anymore and working with us now and I-love-you-and-I-want-you-to-come-home-with-me-Cas!” he got louder and louder towards the end jumbling his words together, until he shouted out that he loved him. “Please, I’ll make everything up to you, I’ll behave, I stop scratching my balls in public, I won’t burp anymore if that are things that annoy you and I won‘t ever dunk your head into the lake again… unless you do it first. But please just come back! I‘m begging you. Please, man!”

Cas looked at him with wet eyes. “If you hadn’t started the begging, I’d have started it right now. I was a damn fool. You saw what Balthazar was like back then already. I should have never left. This here…” he motioned to the surroundings. “Isn’t my dream anymore. You are. I love you too and I wanna build a life with you. I thought life out there was hard, but it‘s nothing compared to how hard it is to live without you.”

Dean felt a single tear roll down his cheek as he tentatively moved towards Cas now. It was only a few inches because they had moved closer to each other without even realizing it and he took his hand, encasing it with his own and felt the same familiar butterflies like at first when he moved even closer very carefully.

Cas didn’t seem to be shy, or maybe desperation was guiding him as he raised his hands onto Dean’s neck and simply guided him onto his mouth without hesitation.

Once their lips touched, fireworks exploded and Cas moved them until he was pressed against the door to the office he had just closed.

“I thought I’d never feel your weight on me like this anymore,” he confessed as Dean braced his hands on the wood next to Cas’ head. “I had every right to lose you. I’ve been an asshole to you.”

“Cas?” Dean said as he finally made contact with his skin again.

“Yes, my love?” Cas answered, rocking on him already.

“Shut up,” Dean said, just like he had in the very beginning. “We can talk about who was an asshole and when later.”

Cas clearly remembered how Dean had told him to shut up when they had met and gulped. “Can we start over, please? Just give me another chance.”

“No,” Dean groused and Cas gulped again even when Dean’s hands were roaming his body and unbuttoning his trousers already.

“I’d rather take it up exactly where we left it,” he groaned and pulled Cas‘ pants down with one hard tug.

“That’s even better,” Cas gave an answering groan as he felt achingly familiar fingers probing at his hole.

“Fuck,” Dean’s breath hitched when he massaged Cas’ hole. “Lube?”

“Yeah, let me down for a sec,” Cas walked over to a filing cabinet now and pulled a bottle out.

“C’mere,” Dean rasped once Cas was close enough again and he pulled him in, kissing passionately and fully undressing Cas now. “Let me see you. All of you.”

“Hmm,” Cas purred as he hooked his legs back over Dean’s hips and made sure he was pressed against the door again.

Dean made quick work of opening Cas now, keeping eye contact as Cas rocked up and down whenever he stimulated his prostate.

“Fuck me, I’m ready,” Cas moaned wantonly once he was open enough and Dean pressed into the perfect familiar, yet somehow different heat inside Cas for the first time in over a month.

“Shit, Cas. Yes!”

“For the love of everything, Dean. Fuck me!” Cas roared when Dean had finally bottomed out and then he only uttered broken sounds when Dean ploughed into him with deadly precision.

“That’s it. Give it to me. Love your cock inside me,” Cas yelled, Dean’s balls slapping up against him whenever he thrusted in.

“Fuck, so hot for me. Thought I’d never have you again,” Dean panted, his sweaty forehead on Cas’ shoulder as he rode up so hard that the door shook in it’s frame.

“You have me,” Cas nibbled at his earlobe and pressed himself even closer to him. “Fuck! You have me for as long as you want me,” he shouted loudly as Dean brought one hand down on his cock and jerked him half a dozen times before Cas came with a shout.

“Ahhh, fuck,” Dean more roared than said when he felt Cas come around him.

“That’s right. Let loose on me, Dean. Show me I’m yours, fucking come inside me!”

“Ah, ah, ahhhh!” Dean kept roaring as he shot out his release into Cas, marking him from the inside before his legs simply collapsed under him and both fell onto the ground, completely blissed and exhausted.

“How’re you feeling?” Dean asked Cas on top of him, their legs intertwined and Dean’s now flaccid dick still almost all the way up Cas’ ass.

“At home.”

“Me too,” Dean chuckled, not minding the obscene position or that they had basically just gone all animalistic over each other again. It was who they were and it was all they ever wanted.

Half an hour later, they were able to pick themselves off of the floor, and once they were dressed, they walked back out of the office with the vague plans to find something to eat and drink now and talk a little more.

Cas clung to Dean like he was scared he’d be gone when he let go and kept nuzzling and scenting the base of his neck, just like Dean had been after the first time they had had full blown sex in his bed.

“Cassie?” They heard someone say in a teary voice and the word had suddenly lost all his sting in Dean’s ears. Obviously, Balthazar had heard what had happened in the backwards room just now and felt sorry for himself at seeing that he had never been what Cas wanted or needed.

“I don’t think there’s anything more to say, Balthazar. I’ll be in touch about my share of the business. Or rather, my lawyers will be.”

When they were in front of the store, Cas blinked at Dean as if he saw the sun for the first time.

“What are we gonna do now?”

“For now? I booked a hotel room and I was thinking about going out tonight.”

“Where to?”

“Cattle auction?” Dean deadpanned and then lost his shit at Cas’ face. He laughed for over 5 minutes, Cas joining in after a bit.

“I really had you there, didn’t I?”

“Yep, I admit it,” Cas said and tightly locked himself around Dean again as they walked aimlessly through the streets.

“How about we just stay in tonight? I think you’re enough entertainment for me.”

“Kinky bastard,” Dean huffed happily.

When they were in the hotel room and into bed though, they didn‘t start to heat things up at once though, but Cas asked Dean to open his email account for him. Dean sat behind him, his legs framing him from behind as Cas read every email he hadn’t received during the past couple of weeks.

“Wait, this one is special. I gotta read it to you.”

I may not be a poet, you know that I’m not. But if I were, I’d write you one instead of these emails, every night. You’re probably not even reading these anymore by now, otherwise you would have replied long ago, but I only gotta say to you what I wanted to tell you every night before I went to sleep. I wanted to tell you while you were still here and even more time since you been gone. And I’m now gonna say the thing I couldn’t say back then.

Stay.

Stay with me.

I love you, Cas.

Please, come back to me.

“How is this special?” Dean asked at having his words repeated back to him in Cas’ voice.

“It’s the first time you told me that you loved me without being angry. And that without any hope that I’d even read it anymore.”

“Yeah, what can I say? I’m hopeless,” he whispered, his hands roaming Cas’ front.

“Me too,” Cas answered and stroked over his arms now, hissing when Dean brushed over his nipples underneath his t shirt. “I’m hopeless without you.”

“Awesome that we needed an homicidal ghost and a dickbag who deleted your mails to find that out. Hey, did I tell you what her last words were before Sammy torched the doll? She told me that without my sleeping prince, I might be the one who was dead already. She really knocked me on my ass with that, y‘know?”

Cas snuggled against him, smiling softly, obviously thinking about how things had been before this.

“I need you to promise me something, Dean. And I am gonna promise you something in return. I’ll stop assuming before I know the truth, and you talk to me more whenever you feel like something’s up, ok? That was our problem before.”

“No, our problem before is that I always had the feeling that you strived for someone better than me and that you had the feeling that we have nothing in common except great sex. We have a life, Cas. A whole life. It‘s maybe not perfect, and we‘re not always easy to see through, the both of us, but we can make it work. We just have to find our little perfect moments now and again. We can make it perfect.”

“I like that,” Cas whispered, laying his forehead on Dean’s cheek, and then continuing to whisper: “I didn’t want to give you that feeling, you know? When I first met you in that bar, that was it for me, I was done for the second I met you.”

“No kidding,” Dean sassed, finally finding confidence in the knowledge that he was loved and that it was within his power to make Cas stay with him. “I felt just the same, even if you were an annoying city boy.”

“And what am I now?”

“You’re my Cas. Not ‘Cassie’,” he said viciously to intone air quotes, his hands too busy with stroking Cas to do the motion. “Maybe you were the guy who wanted to open a café and bookstore once, but you’re not anymore.”

“And what am I now?”

“You’re whatever you wanna be. But most of all, you’re mine.”

“Sounds right to me,” Cas grinned and turned around on Dean’s lap. “But only if you’re mine as well.”

“You know I am,” Dean answered and they stopped talking for a long while now.

Later, they lay there, listening to the city‘s late night noises surrounding them and neither of them could fall asleep. Even Cas, who had lived in the city for most of his life, had gotten so used to the quiet of the country at night that he couldn‘t sleep, but listened to Dean summing up their story so far: “So, you were pissed at me whenever it looked like I didn‘t trust you with working on the farm, and you thought I was feeling good in the knowledge that I was always superior and you‘d depend on me to fit in with the country folk, that about it?“

“Yes,“ Cas replied. “And you thought it was just a matter of time until someone better came around and I‘d leave you? I guess we misunderstood each other most of the time, right?“

“You could say that,“ Dean admitted. “But not about the stuff that really matters. There is one thing I want to have absolutely clear,“ he took a deep breath and stared at Cas right next to him. “I love you, and I always will and I'll work my hardest to make us work. But now that we know that we are on the same page, I don't think we'll even have to work that hard anymore, wouldn't you say?“

“It's gonna be much easier now that we both know where or rather with whom we belong. I love you too, and I wish for no more misunderstandings between us anymore.“

“Couldn‘t agree more,“ Dean yawned as he tangled their legs together and they could finally fall asleep now.


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