Interviews With a Woodelf

A Few Bits Worthy of Notice

As you can guess, there are several hundred hours of videotapes. I won't bore you with all of them. I put together a sort of collage of them that summarize the events best.

This one is from a security tape.

The camera reveals a passage that is weakly lit with those energy-saving lights that they like to use in big buildings and schools. It pans back and forth over and over the passage, which has a bare concrete floor and unfinished walls.

A door opens at one end and someone stealthily runs up the hall, making almost no noise at all. The camera zooms in on him. It's Legrist. He's almost to the end of the passage when a siren starts up. Almost instantly, the door slams open and men with guns rush in. Legrist turns and sprints back down the hall, but the other door is blocked as well. He stops and puts his hands up, and the bulges in his hooded sweatshirt made from various tools of sabotage are made more visible. (At this point while watching it, David muttered, "How could I be so daft? It was a trap!")

The men cautiously approach, and surround him. One guy shoves Legrist to the wall and pats him down. After pulling wire clippers and a crowbar out from under Legrist's sweatshirt, he just pulls the sweatshirt off. Then he yanks off the stocking cap, revealing Legrist's ears. Suddenly he jumps over the men's heads and starts climbing the support beams like they are rungs on a ladder.

Someone shouts frantically, "Shoot him! It's him, shoot him!" There's a soft bang and a whiz as a tranquilizer dart misses Legrist. Someone shoots again, and the dart hits him in the shoulder. He drops from the wall with a cry.

He's been captured again.


This next bit was on one of the videos of the experiments.

Two men in sterile, white clothing wheel unconscious Legrist, who's strapped down to one of those wheel-around beds they use at hospitals, to an x-ray machine and put him in. They watch the screen that shows the x-ray, but the x-ray they get is weak and barely visible. One checks to see if he set things up correctly, but the machine is in perfect working order. Finally, the lab man un-straps Legrist's arm and shines a flashlight onto it. Looking at the shadow, he puts his hand under the beam as well. There is a definite difference in the darkness of the shadow.

After the dissection, and the conclusion that Elves are the same on the inside as humans, except that they heal faster and they had to constantly fight new tissue that tried to fix itself. They also concluded that Humans and Elves could interbreed because they are the same inside. I'm sure an anatomy professor would have loved this. I couldn't watch it; I hid in my room and listened. I'm not a masochist.


Blood outside of the body makes me feel sick, so this bit after they stitched Legrist up really freaked me out.

One of the captors in white doctor clothes is drawing blood from his arm, and Legrist is chatting with him.

"So what's up, Doc?" he says, imitating Bugs Bunny. "Make me an eternal spring of blood for all patients needing it?"

"Nope, just gotta do some tests on it." He glances at the tube where the blood is flowing into a bag. "Squeeze the rubber ball I gave you a few more times, the flow is slowing down."

Legrist doesn't. Instead, he lets the ball fall from his fingers and bounce onto the floor. "I did that with the expressed purpose of annoying you."

"Don't worry, I'm impervious today," the "doctor" says, picking up the ball again.

"Really? Did you make some sort of breakthrough? Find the spring of eternal youth?"

The "doctor" twitches a little. "Of course not. We're looked for the cure to AIDS."

"Or you're trying to become immortal."

"Or we're looking for the cure to AIDS."

Legrist shakes his head. "That can't be. My body doesn't have any way to drive off disease because there is no illness that can dwell in something that is more spirit than body. Are you hoping to suck part of my spirit out with the blood? I'm not a vampire from a B Movie, you can't become someone like me by drinking my blood."

The doctor twitches again.

Legrist drops the ball. "I have a lesson for you, miserable twit. It's a song. You might recognize it. It comes from the last time someone like you tried such a trick.

"Kadō Zigūrun zabathān unakkha

Ēruhīnim dubdam Ugru-dalad

Ar-Pharazōnun azaggara Avalōiyada

Bārim an-Adūn yurahtam dāira sāibēth-mā Ēruvō

azrīya du-phursā akhāsada

Anadūnē zīrān hikallaba

bawība dulgī

balīk hazad an-Nimruzīr azūlada

Agannālō burōda nēnud

zāira nēnud

adūn izindi batān tāidō ayadda: īdō kātha batīna lōkhī

Ēphalak īdōn Yōzāyan.

Ēphal ēphalak īdōn hi-Akallabēth."

After a moment of silence, the lab-coat man says, "Sorry, but I couldn't understand the words."

"You should learn them; the Belain won't be near so lenient this time around. Ar-Pharazon would like you to know that."

"Or perhaps this world is cut off from Middle-earth and Valinor because the Valar have given up all hope for us."

"And your God truly is Morgoth in disguise. That would explain all of the smiting and mass slaughter of women and children commissioned by said evil."

The "doctor" smiled suddenly and looked down at the bag they were filling with blood. "That's enough of that," he said, pulling the needle out. "You were excited enough to get your blood moving."


This one is from the taped experiments. They're testing to see which type of sleep inducing agent works best on Legrist. In a quick summary, so far they have found alcohol and bear tranquilizers to be the most effective.

"Alright, let's try laughing gas," one man says, after seeing Legrist's eyes flutter. Legrist responds with a moan. "Good morning, David," says the lab man sitting besides his bed. "How do you feel?"

"I feel like giving myself back to the Valar and taking whatever punishment awaits me there."

"Good, good," the lab man mutters.

"Why are you doing this to me? What will you gain? You can't become an Elf by ripping one to shreds…"

"Enough psycho-babble, we're going to put you under again," the lab-man interrupts as he straps an inhaler mask onto Legrists head and starts the air flow.

All is still for a moment as they wait for him to fall asleep. Suddenly Legrist starts to convulse violently, and his lips turn blue. One of his arms rips free and claws wildly at the mask. "Shit! It's drowning him!" the lab man yells and turns the airflow off. Legrist rips the mask off and hurls it at the lab man. It hits him in the nose with a loud crack, making a small explosion of blood splatter on his silk tie. The various straps and buckles become undone so fast Legrist's hands are barely visible, and he sprints from the room in the all-white pajama-like clothing that they like to use in mental hospitals.

Legrist is free again.


What song was Legrist singing? It was the lore of Hi-Akallabêth, or The Downfall of Númenor in Adûnaic. The men of Númenor, led by Ar-Pharazôn, wanted immortality, and sailed to Valinor in order to force the Valar to make them immortal. Eru was not pleased, and thrust them and Númenor to the bottom of the ocean. The only ones that survived were the people who followed Elendil back to Middle-earth.
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