I woke in my own bed, the sun pouring in the window. God my head was killing me, how much did I drink yesterday... yesterday. Oh god. I sat up, Elena was sitting on the side of my bed, Stefan was sitting on the window seat. They both looked so sad, I grabbed Elena's hand,
"What happened... did I... please tell me I didn't try and..." I couldn't even finish the sentence.
Elena's voice was soft, "You drank an awful lot yesterday and you ended up at the boarding house. You went up on the railing..."
I took over the story as bits and pieces came back to me, "I called Damon, I remember that now. But... but I fell, or jumped... I don't know what I did... how did Damon...?"
Stefan cut in, "Save you? He didn't."
Ok, now I was confused, "Well if he didn't save me, or catch me or something, then how am I here without a scratch?"
"Do you remember the journals?" Stefan asked me.
"Yes, of course." I replied, what the hell did they have to do with this. Stefan continued,
"Well, do you remember what it said about a person becoming a vampire?"
I was becoming exasperated, "Yes, if you die with vampire blood in your system then..."
A very sudden, very clear memory filled my mind. Me waking up in the hospital, Damon explaining, 'I gave you my blood, but it wasn't enough.'
I turned to Elena, "No, please no. I made a mistake, I was drunk and emotional, upset, I missed mom so much. But I didn't want to really die. I can't be a..." I couldn't say it. I just couldn't.
I started crying and Elena pulled me into a fierce hug. Stefan stood,
"Jessica, I'm so very sorry. But you have two choices. By tonight you can either feed, and complete the transition... or you can die."
I had to get up. I couldn't just lie in bed on what, one way or the other, was going to be my last day as a human. I was going through the motions as I went into the bathroom and got dressed. I came back into the bedroom and sat brushing my hair when a thought occurred to me, "Stefan you're in my house. How? I thought you had to be invited in."
"Normally you do. But this house was put in your name when your mom died, and then you died. We only have to be invited in when a living person owns the house."
I had almost forgotten. I started hyperventilating. Elena looked to Stefan, who came and knelt in front of me taking my hands.
"All your emotions are heightened during transition," he explained, "You need to take deep breaths, try and calm down."
I kept eye contact with Stefan as I worked to control my breathing, eventually I was able to do it.
Stefan explained, "When you become a vampire everything about you gets magnified. Your qualities, your emotions. That's why it's so easy for some vampires to turn off the switch on their humanity. It's easier than dealing with the pain."
That defiantly got my attention, "Turn of the switch?"
"Yes," Stefan continued, "It's a choice some vampires make. We have the ability to turn off our emotions... our humanity. As a result we feel nothing, which is obviously never a good thing."
I just nodded, not having to feel anything. How would that be a bad thing? Without saying anything else I got up and went downstairs, Elena and Stefan following closely. That could get annoying. I looked at Stefan,
"Where's Damon? I thought he would be here."
I felt the familiar ache in my chest when I thought of him, this no emotion thing looked better and better. I realised Stefan was talking, I tried to focus on him.
"Damon thought you would need time to process everything. He didn't know if you would want to see him."
I couldn't focus on his voice, that buzzing noise... I think it was the lamp bulb... it was getting too loud. I turned to them,
"I'm sorry, I need... I need a few... I need some space. I have to get out of here. I'll be back soon, I promise."
And with that I took off, I was glad they had the good sense not to follow me. I just started walking, everything was too bright, too noisy. Before I realised it I was standing at the cemetery standing over my mother's fresh grave. The tears started falling, god I was getting sick of crying.
"Mom, I don't know what to do! I've messed up so bad. God, you're only gone a few days and I screw everything up. I didn't mean to do this, I didn't mean... mom I miss you so much. You always knew what to do."
As I knelt down to touch the grave, I came to a decision. I wouldn't complete the transition, I wanted to be with mom. I sat there for a while, a couple of hours passed by and then I heard Damon's voice.
"Yes I feel pity."
I jumped up and turned to his voice, but I couldn't understand what I was seeing. Damon and myself were standing by a table in the grill. It was like watching a video or something, as I watched transfixed Damon moved closer to 'other' me, he wasn't breaking eye contact.
"I feel pity for the father who couldn't see what a wonderful daughter he had, and still has. I feel pity for the people you closed your heart to as a result of all this. And I will feel pity for any man or woman that ever tries to hurt you again because I will hunt them down and kill them. I do NOT pity you, you really don't realise how strong you are. But I promise you this, I will make you realise it."
Then it was gone, what the hell was that. Suddenly it happened again, I was in Damon's bedroom and he was biting me. I recognised what I was wearing from the first night I met him. More and more flashes were happening, all the times he had compelled me. To quit smoking, to invite him in, so that's how he knew about my vervain allergy. Hah, even in death vervain is deadly to me. Some nicer memories came then, of us lying in bed with him just watching me and stroking my face. In these memories when he fed from me I didn't see anger or hate on his face. Just... smiles and content.
I sat back down. I honestly didn't know what to think about Damon. What was I to him? I drew my knees up to my chest and leaned against my mother's headstone. At least the sun had gone down. My eyes weren't as sore now. I just hoped Elena wouldn't be too mad at me for not coming back, but this seemed like the right place to do this, next to my mother. As I closed my eyes I could feel my breathing getting shallow. It was starting to hurt when I drew in each breath. It was getting very painful now, I looked at my watch. I thought I had another two hours. Obviously Stefan had done his math wrong.
"God..." I shouted, I was angry and sad and tired and every other emotion. Thankfully it was nearly over.