I heard someone running towards me, I could hear a heartbeat so it wasn't Stefan or Damon. I looked up through the pain and saw Mr Tanner. I let out a hard laugh, of all the people to be with me when I die, him? He was carrying flowers, he must have been visiting a grave and heard me shout. I tried to stand but fell back down. As tanner reached me he tripped on something, falling right in front of me. He quickly picked himself up and then helped me into a sitting position.
I couldn't take the pain anymore, my body was covered in sweat as I tried to focus on Mr Tanner, he was asking me something along the lines of 'Are you Ok?'. Through the pain I actually started laughing, although it sounded hysterical, probably was. How was I ok? Was he really that stupid, one look at me and it was clear I was anything but ok. I felt a sharp pain in my side and bent over, Mr Tanner moved closer... and then suddenly all I could smell was blood. And it smelled wonderful. I looked at him, he had a cut on his neck. It must have happened when he fell. I honestly don't think I could help myself, I had no control of my own body.
I lunged at Tanner, I completely surprised him and he fell back with me on top. Holding him down I sunk my teeth into his neck over the small cut. He tried to push me off but couldn't. I was surprisingly, even to myself, strong... or maybe just strong willed. The warm blood flowing down my throat was just so damn good. It was like if your drowning, and suddenly you're pulled out of the water, that first gulp of fresh air. Heaven.
I felt the blood flow starting to slow and some part of me realised that Tanner was no longer fighting me, when one last memory filled my mind. Damon was putting me in Stefan's car, 'I think I loved you too!' he whispered to me.
That memory actually threw me of Tanner.
I realised what I had done. God no, please no. I scrambled over to him and tried to find a pulse. I started crying when I couldn't find one.
God... I was so fucking sick of crying. I sat beside Tanner. I had killed him. I had killed a person. I was a murderer, I started hyperventilating when suddenly I grabbed my face. Somthing was happening to my jaw, the pain was unbelievable. I could feel my teeth changing.
I looked at Tanner's body again. I wasn't supposed to transition.
"Why? Why is this happening to me? What the hell did I do to deserve this?" I screamed at the night air. I honestly didn't expect an answer.
"You don't deserve any of this."
I spun around and Damon was standing there. I ran to him and buried my face in his chest. I could feel his shock as his arms went around me protectively, holding me as I cried into his shirt for what seemed like forever. Finally I looked up at him,
"I killed him Damon, I didn't meant to, I swear. I came here to die. I wasn't going to transition. But the pain started and I shouted. Mr Tanner was here, he must have heard me and came to check on me. But he fell and cut himself. I couldn't help it. I'm so sorry Damon, god I'm so sorry."
Why couldn't I stop crying, Damon just kept holding me.
"Jessica love, don't worry. I'll sort this out. It was an accident that's all. We can show you how to control it."
I pushed him off me, shouting at him now, "Why can't I stop crying. I feel like I've cried for days. For my mother, in a sick way for my father and even for you. For all the..."
I stopped, looked up at Damon, he reached out for me, "What is it?"
I had remembered what Stefan had said, only this morning. I said it out loud, "That's why it's so easy for some vampires to turn of their emotions."
Damon grabbed my shoulders, "No Jessica. That is not an option. You can get through this but not if you do that."
Ignoring him I closed my eyes, I didn't know quite how to do it and then... there in my mind, I could almost feel it, almost see it. Like there really was a switch, I just had to...
Damon watched in horror as Jessica tried to turn off her humanity. He was holding her shoulders, he didn't know what to say. Her eyes were closed, but he could tell when she figured it out. Damon did the only thing he could think of. He pulled her closer to himself, lowered his head and kissed her.
I was about to do it, turn it all off when I felt Damon's lips on mine. I couldn't help myself. I didn't know if it was the heightened senses or the fact that I just really missed the feel of his lips on mine, but I kissed him back, moaning into his mouth. My hands snaked up into his hair, holding his face firmly against mine. Our kiss deepened, I jumped up wrapping my legs around his waist, his hands moved to my backside, holding me tighter to him. He moved, and in the blink of an eye he had me pinned up against a tree, my hands were all over his body.
And then I was standing on my own, Damon was standing a few feet away. My breathing was hitched and I could see so was his.
"Why did you stop?" I asked him, pouting.
"I'm sorry, I had to make you stop. You were going to turn it off. I know turning off the bad emotions sounds good, but you would lose all the good ones as well. Love, happiness, compassion... you would kill for the sake of killing."
His eyes were pleading with me, begging me not to do it.
"I remember everything," I stated, looking at his feet.
"What are you talking about? What do you..." he stopped short, staring at me. In a flash he was in front of me again, he lifted my chin, tilting my face so I was looking him in the eye. He looked so sad,
"I'm so very sorry Jessica. All those... all the times I bit you and used you for food. That's what you're talking about right? All the times I compelled you. I don't know how, but I will make it up to you."
An hour ago, he would have been right, but not now. I placed my hands on his face, caressing his cheeks.
"I'm talking about the nights we spent together where you were so sweet to me. I'm talking about what you said about not pitying me... and I'm talking about you telling me you love me."
A single tear rolled down his cheek. "Jessica..."
I raised myself a little and kissed him. It was a gentle soft kiss. His arms went round my waist, mine around his. Then I remembered and pulled away.
"Mr Tanner. I forgot about him. I killed him."
Damon grabbed me by the shoulders again, seemed to happen a lot, people grabbing me by the shoulders.
"Jessi, I need you to listen to me. I need you to go to my house, go there and please wait for me. I'll sort this out. And I'm begging you, please don't try switching off your emotions."
I hesitated for a moment, but Damon pushed me, "Go now!"