Is my name The Doctor

Chapter 36

An hour had passed since Jack had told the Doctor the entire story of the Time war. When Jack finally revealed that it was the Doctor who pressed the button, who had ended the war and ended his planet, the Time Lord broke down in disbelief and fled from the room. Jack and Donna didn't dare stop him, they had promised to allow him his freedom to cry or run and he had done both.

Jack and Donna watched as he ran from the console room and further into the depths of the TARDIS. As he ran, Donna fell forward into Jack's arms and cried as well. Jack comforted her as both their hearts broke for their friend.

"Why can't the universe just leave him alone!" Wept Donna.

Jack rested his head upon hers and sighed "I know. I was hoping his mind would have healed more before he remembered the war. I still don't think he was ready to hear it"

Donna retracted herself from Jack "He was going to find out sooner or later Jack. Even the TARDIS thought it was time he found out, now all he can do is move on and remember the rest, get his life back together"

"But was his life before ever that good? You know as well as I that the Doctor never opened up. He kept everything bottled and plastered that stupid fake smile on his face. I don't think I have ever seen him truly happy, the first time I actually saw him smile for real was before he remembered who he was. When he was Aidan" Jack confessed

"Aidan was more fake than those smiles; the Doctor is who he is" Said Donna, wiping the tears from her eyes "And if you can't accept that then why are you his friend?"

"Donna I'm not saying he was better of as Aidan, I'm saying he was happier"

"What, being abused, downgraded and locked up? That's not the Doctor and that's not the life Aidan deserved either. What's wrong with you Jack!" Donna exclaimed, standing up before pacing around the console.

Jack stood and bellowed "Hey! Don't make me sound like the bad guy here; you're the one who wanted to tell him earlier than he should have found out" Donna didn't answer and when she didn't Jack paused, he took a slow and deep breath before continuing "Look, I am his friend and so are you. We both want what is best for him and sometimes that means coming to a disagreement. All I want is for the Doctor to come back, but to come back happy. Have the weight of his life removed from his shoulders. Get the past off his chest and let him breath"

"Don't you think I want that too?" Said Donna, her exhaustion was displaying

"Of course, it's something we both agree on" Jack managed a smile


Jack nodded "Good. From now on, he remembers on his own. At his own pace, that goes for you too missy" Jack exclaimed to the TARDIS.

The ship responded with a warm blast of air at both of them.

Donna laughed at the ships response before turning back to Jack "God knows what's going through his mind right now"

"Shall we" Jack extended his hand for Donna to accept. When she did, they headed together into the depths of the TARDIS in search for their friend.

I'm a monster

The Doctor paced his bedroom he had found within the TARDIS. His hands ran through his hair almost tearing at his roots. Words and voices filtered through his mind without his control. He couldn't stop the voices as they infiltrated his head, deafening the world around him.

Time war…Murderer

"No" he cried. The Doctor rammed his head into the wall, not hard enough to break the skin but enough to bruise.


"Stop it!" The Doctor continued to push his head against the wall as he repeatedly slammed his fists against it. He then pushed himself away from the wall only to double over and fall to his knees. His hands continued to rake through his hair trying desperatly to rid the voices from his head.

Gallifrey is dead…because of you…you're all alone Time lord

Laughter penetrated his mind as he screamed for it to leave him be. Jack's voice resonated throughout his conscience

You were the only one you knew how to stop the war…you made the decision…murderer

"Please!" then he could hear his own voice

We lost, everyone lost…they're all gone, my family my friends….even that red sky….GENOCIDE!



The Doctor fell to the floor and curled into himself. He squeezed his eyes shut. His hands covered his ears in a vain attempt to block out the voices. "S-stop" he whispered


The Doctor's eyes burst open at the sound of a young woman calling to him. It took him a moment to realize who it was "S-Susan?" remembering her, a young lady with short brown hair, he had loved her.

What have you done grandfather? You've destroyed our home!

"No" he pleaded to the invisible woman "I didn't m-mean to"


The Doctor scuttled away across the floor to the corner of the room as if the words physically tried to attack him as he did his best to get away. His muscles jerke and convulsed, his head hurt and his ears began to ring. He screamed in agony but no pain was being inflicted on him. Only his mind was out of control, an illusion to make him think he were in pain.

A knock came at the door "Doctor are you alright?" it was Jack, probably accompanied by Donna too. The Doctor jumped at their voices, at first he couldn't tell if they were real or merely his mind playing tricks. Unless his mind was fine and everything he had been hearing for the past five minutes was true to his ears.

"Can we come in?" Just as the door started to creak open the Doctor panicked and ran for the en-suite, locking the door behind him.

Jack and Donna entered the bedroom in time to see the bathroom door slam shut and the sound of a lock clicking. Donna closed the door behind her as Jack approached the bathroom and tried the handle. His thoughts were confirmed, his worry for the Doctor started to increase.

"Sweethearts we just want to talk. You can't go through this alone"

Silence replied to Jack and he sighed. He figured they might be there for a while and decided to get comfy. Jack slid down and sat on the carpeted ground leaning against the wooden door. Donna turned a nearby armchair to face the en-suite and sat down in it.

She called to the distressed Time lord "Doctor please just come out, we want to help"

"Donna's right. Nothing is going to stop us from helping you Doctor, you're our family and all we want is for you to be happy" said Jack

Silence was all they received, for the next minute, they continued to talk to their friend through the door. "Doctor, you need to understand that what you did, was for the good of the universe. You selflessness is so unlimited that you scarified you own home to save the universe. If you hadn't have ended the war we would all be dead. Us, Earth, the TARDIS. Everyone! Only the Daleks would have been left to rule the universe, destroying everything in their paths"

"If it had of been us Doctor" said Jack "We probably would have done the same thing"

Jack was hoping for the Doctor to hear their words and understand what they were trying to tell him. He hoped that he would just un-lock the door and come out to them so they could scoop him up in their arms and carry on making him better. But Jack rarely got what he wished, things sometimes became more serious than he originally anticipated.

So when the Doctor didn't open the door and instead the sound of a crash resonated from the bathroom, his heart sunk. Jack and Donna jumped to their feet as another silence followed the crash. "Doctor open the door!" Jack proclaimed

When he received no answer Jack stepped back before raised his boot and kicked the door open. The framed snapped off of the wall and the door swung open and slammed against the other side of the wall. Jack froze at the entrance and Donna stood behind him looking over his shoulder. She gasped at the sight she saw.

The Doctor sat with his knees drawn to his chest, his body leaned on the side of the large tub as his breathing became ragged. He whimpered, tears flowing from his eyes as the voices started to diminish. Donna and Jack grew pale as they saw the blade at the Doctor's bare feet, blood dominated the floor and more appeared from the deep slash on the Doctor's wrist.

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