The Universe Hates Me

Chapter 17

Fang's POV

After beating my head against my locker enough times to cause brain damage, I grabbed my books and dragged my feet to my next class. I was late anyway, so what was a few minutes?

There have you the twisted logic of a teenage boy.

When I finally arrived, I zoned out immediately as Mrs. Crain chewed me out for being late to her class for the umpteenth time. But, honestly, I couldn't've cared less about being late to her pointless joke of a class, especially when I had bigger problems at the time. Like, gee, I don't know, maybe the fact that I'm in love with my best friend who doesn't return the feelings, I hate my current girlfriend and I'm pretty sure all she wants is what's in my pants, and, oh yeah, I'm being forced to go on a double date with a girl I loathe and watch the girl I love swoon at some jackass of a guy. Like it wasn't enough to be reminded constantly that I couldn't have Max - now Whoever The Hell Is Up There is shoving it in my face and most likely laughing at me!

Needless to say, I received two days of lunch detention for my tardiness and, when she realized I wasn't listening, she added three days on top of that. But, honestly, she was doing me a favor - that's a whole week of lunch without Lissa. Maybe now I can actually eat without having someone clinging to my arm, or sticking her tongue down my innocent throat. This might just be a pleasant change.

The rest of the day zoomed past me in a blur, and all I could think about was that stupid wiener holding Max. Making her laugh. Holding her hand. Kissing her. Maybe more... God, it was like the Dylan situation all over again. I couldn't get the stupid images out of my head. I had no idea how I was going to restrain myself Friday night if I could hardly keep my cool thinking about them together. It left me in a sour mood the rest of the day, and I guess people could sense my Pissed Off vibes, because they steered clear.

When the final bell rang, I exited the classroom and practically ran all the way to my locker. The sooner I was out of here and gone, the better. I chucked my books into my locker, scaring the freshman a few meters down, and I caught the sight of Iggy skipping down the corridor gleefully as I turned. I rolled my eyes as he clicked his heels together, all the while humming, Ding Dong the Wicked Witch is Dead from the Wizard of Oz. When

"Ding dong, the bitch is dead. Which ugly bitch? The slutty bitch! Ding dong, the wicked bitch is de-ead!" he sang cheerfully, tottering towards me and linking our arms. "So, how does it feel to send a house crushing down on the wicked bitch? Now the munckins of Westfall High School are free at last, and you, dear sir, are free to go after that hottie with the cute dog named Total! I want to know everything, Fanglette! How'd it go? Did she scream? Did she hit you... there? Stomp on your foot with her hooker boots? Did she cry? Oh, boy, I hope she cried. Did you get it on camera?" Iggy rested his head on my shoulder. "Dang, I wish I was there."

I stared at him flatly for a minute, before he prompted cheerily, "Well?"

"You need to cut down on your Nudge-time," I said, shoving him off me.

"Yeah, whatever. I get it. I'm spending way too much time with your sister. Great. Now, let's get to more important matters. What happened? Did you talk to Max? Did you ask her out? Did she say yes? Did you kiss? Did you two realize your undying love for each other? Are you gonna toddle off to Vegas and elope? Did she jump your bones and make hot, passionate love in the janitor's closet, like in those porn movies?" How the fuck does he know what happens in 'those porn movies'? "Are you gonna have cute blonde-haired emo babies running around? Am I going to be an uncle?" he finished, his voice going up a few octaves as he gripped my shoulders, wanting answers.

"Again - you sound like Nudge." Iggy's eyes narrowed, obviously wanting me to cut the crap and tell him what the heck had happened. I sighed and lifted my gaze to the ceiling. What had I done to deserve this? Reluctantly, I complied: "No. None of that happened."

"What? Why not?"

"We were interrupted."

"By who?" he demanded, poking me.

"Max. Damn girl has impeccable timing." I ran a hand through my hair in agitation, annoyed just from remembering what had happened. "She cut me off right before I broke it off with Lissa, then asked us to go on a double date with her andSam. So now I get to spend Friday night with a Bitch and a Wiener and the Girl I'm In Love With."

Iggy winced in sympathy. "Man, I'm sorry. That blows big time. But there's still some hope, right? Max could realize Sam is a mega douche and that it's you that she really wants. Or, we could always go with the more... diabolical route and sabotage the date. I vote for option dos - more fun, I reckon - but that could just be me."

Iggy's words registered, and I smirked, an idea forming in my head. "You know what, Iggy? You just gave me an awesome idea. But I'm gonna need some help." I seriously had to resist the urge to rub my hands together, throw my head back and cackle. But that is so not how I roll, so I refrained.

"Oh, God, what have I gotten myself into?" (Am I the only one that wants Fang to say "that's what I said last night when I was doing your mom!"?) Iggy asked, looking up at the sky.

I smirked again as I leant in closely, all the while whispering my plan to wreak havoc on Max's - and, technically, my - date. I drew back once I was finished, waiting to see his reaction.

Iggy stood there for a few beats, staring at me blankly. But then a huge, exhilarated grin lit his face as he said bossily, "I'm going to need a disguise, and we have got to get some secret code names."

"So, you in?"

"Hell yeah, man! It sure beats locking myself in my basement and playing World of Warcraft all night! Or, hey, I have to check in on my Dungeons & Dragons thing, too! Damn. I had so much planned this Friday! Dude, for that, I am sochoosing your codename!"

"OK, sure, Iggy. Whatever."

"OK then. Now, we need a few code names, just to confuse our opposition. I suggest four each. Yours shall be... Corporeal Snuggle-Bunny-Fluffykins, Sir Talk-a-Lot, Lieutenant Colonel I-Screw-Ur-Mom, and Chief I-Luv-Max. Copy, Lieutenant I-Screw-Ur-Mom? Over."

"Iggy," I said, "We're in the hallway. We don't have any walkie-talkies."

"I repeat, over, Sir Talk-a-Lot! Wait, no, not over! Not over! My names shall be... Major Pain-In-Ur-Ass, Professor Einstein Junior, Mister My-Abs-Are-Bigger-Than-Yours, and Sergeant Bite Me! Over!"

I grimaced. "Sure, Iggy. Whatever."

Iggy huffed. "Fine. OK, ignoring your horrifying lack of enthusiasm, I just have to say - sabotage beings in T minus, uh, however long it is 'til Friday night in military time."

"I thought you took JROTC last year! Shouldn't you know that?"

"Yeah, but they kicked me out. The teacher said I wasn't serious enough, and the students said I wasn't man enough for the class, or some crap like that. Psh. I'm plenty man, they just couldn't handle so much man!"

I shook my head and shoved him lightly, but, Iggy being, well, Iggy, he lost his balance and fell back against the lockers with a loud 'bang'. He shrieked in pain, clutching his butt.

"FUCK! OW! What the hell, Fang? I think I have a Canada-sized bruise on my ass because of you! What the heck was that for! You know how fragile I am! Like porcelain!" he wailed, struggling to get up, his hands still fastened on the 'tender' area.

"Real manly, Ig," I said, making him scowl at me.

"Oh, shut up." Iggy regained his composure before stalking off towards his locker. If he had longer hair, I'd bet he would've done the hair-flip I'd seen Lissa do when she was pissed.

Before he was out of earshot, Iggy said loudly, "See, this is what I get for helping a friend. You agree to help him win the freaking love of his life who happens to be pregnant with his love-child, and he pushes you into a bunch of lockers! Society today, jeez. What is the world coming to?"

I rolled my eyes at his antics as I slung my bag over my shoulder and sauntered off towards my car, keeping my head low to avoid Lissa. As I walked, I hoped to God that our plan would work - if not, I might've lost my chance to be with Max. And, honestly, I didn't think I'd be able to cope knowing that.

As I backed out of my parking space, I glanced up through the windshield and mumbled, almost prayed, "If there seriously is someone Up There, I'm begging them - you - to give me a fucking break and let me have the girl of my dreams before it's too damn late."

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